


White Blank Page

by Gayle_fic



Category: Actor RPF, Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, Real Person Fiction
Genre: Anal Sex, Angst and Fluff and Smut, Angst and Romance, Anxiety, Confessions, Developing Relationship, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Evanstan - Freeform, Falling In Love, First Kiss, First Time, First Time Bottoming, First Time Topping, Friends to Lovers, Friendship/Love, Hand Jobs, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, M/M, Oral Sex, Post-Break Up
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-26
Updated: 2020-01-25
Packaged: 2020-09-27 01:50:18
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 98,719
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20399701
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Gayle_fic/pseuds/Gayle_fic
Summary: After their relationship comes to an end, Chris writes a fictional account of the last decade, but it’s too close to the bone for Sebastian. Their memories differ and their emotions are still raw. While Chris has dealt with the repercussions by writing it down, Sebastian is trying not to make the same mistakes that broke them apart. They are weeks away from the Endgame premiere where they will have to face each other.





	1. One

Boston 2019

Chris ran his hand over the crisp white page that topped a reem of paper now inked with memories of the last ten years. A short title centred on the page and a pseudonym he had picked randomly below. It had taken him a week of sleepless nights to write but nearly a year to make sense of it all. Writing everything down had saved his life; he had channelled the passion, love and heartache he had felt over the last few years and now he had something to show for it.

He wished it ended there, that he could put a year’s worth of work away and move on but, he couldn’t, not when there was still the hole in his heart and an anger that fuelled him. He could feel the tightening in his chest with every breath he took, there were just eighteen days until he would come face to face with him again. It had been almost a year since those blue eyes had been locked with his. Whatever calm Chris had managed to maintain, he knew it would all go up in flames with one look or smile from Sebastian. 

Closing his eyes Chris pressed his fingers to his mouth, just the thought of Sebastian’s lips on his and the heat of his breath and how it made his body react. He could picture the long fingers dragging over his skin and the need in Sebastian’s touch, it made Chris’s stomach drop and a heat flood him. Cursing he opened his eyes; he was never going to escape those memories especially when he still craved them so much and it terrified him.

“Fuck!”

Chris tried to swallow down the burning emotions and refocused on the desk in front it him. Pushing his fears aside he saved a single copy of the file to a flash drive and placed it in an envelope with the story outline and script. He sealed it and addressed it to _Anna Farmer, New York_ and placed it on top of the small pile he had made, ready to be collected.

\--

Sebastian sat back on the chair, his cap gracing his knee and a coffee cup in hand. He watched as his manager spoke briefly with her assistant.

“Would you like a drink Sebastian?” Anna’s assistant asked.

“No, no I’m good.” He said raising the cup in his hand.

He felt his phone vibrate and he checked it as the assistant excused herself. Sebastian hummed as he replied quickly to the message and put the phone back in his pocket.

“Oliver?” Anna asked smiling over at him.

Sebastian looked up surprised by her guess work. “Yeah sorry.”

“How is he?” She enquired.

“Fine.” Sebastian answered with a shrug.

Anna lent forward on the desk and eyed Sebastian in a way that made him feel nervous.

“Everything is going well between you two?” Her voice had a motherly tone that Sebastian only heard when she was talking to him about something personal or breaking some kind of bad news.

While Anna’s gentle tone was meant to be comforting, she was always very matter of fact and cautious with her words. She cared but she also knew it was an area of his life he was protective of and with past events firmly _in_ the past he knew that if he wasn’t careful then his personal life could easily become managed like so many other things.

The relationship in question was with Oliver, six years his junior and Anna’s ex personal assistant. The had been together just over six months and in the realms of being something more then just a fling. Maybe that was why Anna was asking but Sebastian wasn’t going to expand on it for her. Sebastian wasn’t about to announce to the world that Oliver was his boyfriend and walk him down a red carpet anytime soon, so, no, Anna didn’t need to know any more about it than that.

“Yeah everything is good.” Sebastian said with a slightly forced smile.

“Good. I’m glad.” She mirrored him and left it at that.

“So…” Sebastian prompted away from the uncomfortable pause.

“I have something I want you to look at.” Anna pulled out an opened envelope from her drawer and placed it in front of Sebastian. “I think you should see it before other people do.”

Sebastian picked it up cautiously like it might explode in his hands, “A script?”

“Yes.”

“Is it good?” Sebastian asked.

“I think you need to read it.”

“That good huh?” Sebastian said with a questioning grin.

“It deals with a sensitive subject.” She said not looking up from the envelope in his hand. “Take it home and call me when you are ready.”

\--

You can change a name, you can change a city, you can make up a new occupation but when you are reading the last ten years of your life in a script, conversations, private moments, things you never wanted to know or admit about yourself it is unavoidable and…

“Un-fucking believable!”

Sebastian threw the book of paper on the kitchen counter and pulled a glass from the cupboard; it took a bit of rummaging, but he found the bottle of vodka that he had stashed away at the back of the freezer. It had been left in there forgotten for so long; the last in a long list of vices, but he had it under control.

The bottle clinked off the rim of the glass as he poured a shot of cold liquid. He let the glass rest against his bottom lip and closed his eyes, he knew drinking when he was upset could easily lead to so many mistakes. One of which he had just finished reading. He knocked the liquid back into his mouth and let it linger for a moment, it chilled his tongue before the burn of the alcohol came and he swallowed it down.

He opened his eyes and poured himself another, it was bigger this time with his vision blurred as hot tears pooled threatening to spill. He was sure they were tears of anger, not of hurt and loss but, rage, bitterness and most definitely betrayal at what he had read.

He picked up the book of paper and bottle of vodka and took them back through to his perch on the couch, where he had spent the last few hours reading scenes over and over in disbelief and shock. He had only been a few pages in when he had gone back to the start, scanning over the writers notes and synopsis.

There was only a handful of people that knew about the events that transpired in those pages and Sebastian didn’t want to believe that the writer could be Chris, but there is was, the exact word-for-word conversations, arguments and endearments spoken between each other. It was all there in black and white, all there written down, sold to the highest bidder and passed out to agencies for people to read, act out and entertain people. At least that what Chris’s plan was Sebastian assumed.

Sebastian hadn’t spoken to Chris in nearly a year, he didn’t want to think of their last conversation, their last look or touch. Why this, why now? Surely Chris knew it would make its way to Sebastian, was it just to hurt him? If it was, it had worked.

\--

“Why do this?”

“Why do what?”

Anthony placed the script back down on the coffee table in front of Chris and sat back in the chair crossing his arms loosely over his chest and stared. It was a stare that could stop you cold and check yourself, that’s why Chris got up and turned away.

“Everyone is going to know who this is Chris.” Anthony said keeping in voice low and even, “I know who it is and I’m not even halfway through the damn thing.”

Chris chanced a look at Anthony, “It doesn’t say any one’s name.”

“Maybe not, but anyone that knows either one of you, will know who it is.” Anthony picked up the paper in front of him and flicked to a random page. “You don’t think Sebastian is going to realise he’s the lost soul that is just, _waiting_, to be rescued from his demons, by the tall and handsome main character in this biopic?”

Chris could feel the anxiety he had over the whole thing creep over his skin and tighten round his throat. He reached out and took the script from Anthony and curled it in his hands, ringing out his fears on the paper.

“Have you even shown Sebastian this before sending it out to people?” Anthony asked delicately.

Anthony had known Chris through the good and bad times over the decade. He had been a backseat voyeur to the disaster of a relationship that Chris had had with Sebastian. He knew too much to take a side in any of their fall outs. He had listened and observed and given advice when it was asked for, but he had never taken a side no matter who was in the wrong.

“Chris, you can’t leave it for him to find out from someone else or god forbid let him see this on the screen, if that’s where this is going. You have to tell him now.” Anthony said.

“Why?” Chris bit back, “Why do I?”

“Because whatever happened, it was between the two of you, and you two alone, and whatever friendship you had will be over for good if you do this.”

“There is nothing left Anthony, no friendship, no feelings.”

Anthony sat back again and surveyed Chris’s stance, defensive and ready to argue his point.

“Okay, maybe you’ve got it out of your system by writing this,” Anthony gestured to the rolled-up paper in Chris’s hand. “I’m hope it was cathartic and I’m glad you think it’s helped, but you aren’t the only one this affects.”

Anthony didn’t miss the slight step back Chris took as he stood up from his seat. He held his hands up to Chris, trying to settle his nervous energy.

“Sebastian has a right to know you are putting this out there, it’s his life too.” Anthony watched as Chris’s head dropped. “His feelings still count.”

Chris tried to ignore last bit of his conscience, that he had tried to stamp out long ago like a smouldering campfire in his chest. He didn’t want to go through this again, he had made the decision that he was going to do it, he had already set it in motion and there was no way he was going to call a halt to it, just so he could contact Sebastian and ask if he was alright with it.

After Mackie left Chris flipped through the book of paper and read over the first few lines. He didn’t need to read it he knew it by heart, he had lived it and when he closed his eyes he was right back there.

\--

London 2010

“You can’t do that,” Sebastian said as he pushed his body weight against Chris’s, nearly forcing him off the couch. “That’s cheating, and just mean.” He laughed. As Chris pushed back. “Hey!”

“Oops! Sorry! Did I just win again?” Chris laughed nudging Sebastian’s elbow with his own.

“I give up!” Sebastian threw the controller down on the couch exasperated. “You’re a cheater.”

Chris shook he head while laughing, “No, now don’t be a sore loser!”

“You are waiting for my character to reload and killing him before I can even move him, that is cheating.” Sebastian huffed.

“Don’t blame me that you aren’t quick enough.” Chris said triumphantly sipping his beer.

“I hate this game.” Sebastian said grabbing the bottle from Chris who gave it up willingly.

Chris lounged back on the couch and stretched out his arms along the back. It was late and they were meant to be up in five hours to go to set but neither of them had brought the night to an end. It had become a midweek ritual that had started when they had got to London. A combination of jetlag and homesickness. They played any old computer games they could find from their teenage years and battled it out. Sebastian sucked and that was official in Chris’s eyes, and Chris cheated and that was no less official in Sebastian’s.

If they weren’t playing old console games, they were watching old movies or talking about stories from their childhoods. Their backgrounds contrasted so differently that it might have surprised others that they bonded so well. In the space of two months Chris had told Sebastian things he hadn’t told others, embarrassing things that he would have been too ashamed to admit through fear of ridicule. On more than one occasion Chris had caught himself saying something cringy and would find Sebastian just listening like it was the most important thing he had ever heard. Sebastian heard it all and accepted it and just smiled warmly silently thanking Chris for trusting him enough to tell him.

It wasn’t just one sided; Chris however found that Sebastian played a lot of things closer to his chest. He didn’t open up as easily as a crisp packet as Chris had. Everything he said was filtered through careful thought and a language of self-discovery. It was on those occasions that Chris found himself spellbound, scared to move in case he shattered the fragile moment that he was suddenly privy too.

One of Sebastian’s revelations had happened hours before, near the end of their day of filming. Chris had made a passing comment that Sebastian had be uncharacteristic quiet that afternoon. Sebastian had given him a sad smile and said he was worried about being so far away from home, especially now with his stepfather being ill.

Chris had heard him but the it didn’t sink in and the more Chris stared at him unsure how to respond the more Sebastian told him in his usual calm and soft low tone.

“It was just small things to start with, losing his keys, forgetting where he said he was going.” Sebastian just looked down and fiddled with his phone. “When he began forgetting my mom’s name and getting angry, that he wanted to go home, but he _was_ at home, the same home he’s live in for the past thirty years…”

The rest of Sebastian’s words were swallowed up by Chris’s shoulder as Chris wrapped his arms round him and squeezed. Chris didn’t know what else to do, he wanted to hold him and reassure him. What would he have wanted if were him in that moment? Unashamedly Chris admitted in his own mind, his mother. He’d have wanted his mother to hold him while he let it all out. Chris didn’t know what Sebastian wanted or needed but he held on to him anyway not letting go even when Sebastian pulled back slightly.

“I’m worried by the time I get back he won’t remember me at all.” Sebastian let out a shaky breath.

“Fuck Seb, I’m sorry.” Chris held his shoulders and looked at him. “What do you need? What can I do?”

Sebastian just shook his head and rested it on Chris’s shoulder, Chris didn’t hesitate in tightening his grip and held on till he felt Sebastian stop shaking and begin to relax.

Sebastian had said nothing more on the topic all night, even when Chris had asked if he was ok. It was the reason they were both still sat on the couch in Chris’s hotel room, only a few hours from their call times without a wink of sleep between them. Chris didn’t mind, he would sit there till the following night if it helped take Sebastian’s mind off his worries.

Sebastian relaxed back into the couch, watching the demo screen from their game play over and over. Chris instinctively rested his arm over Sebastian’s shoulders and pulled him close to his body.

“You know what I need?” Sebastian mumbled letting his eyes close over.

“What?” Chris asked with a sleepy croak.

“A night out, just get shit faced and forget.”

Chris rested his head on top of Sebastian’s and yawned. “Done.”

They had been out plenty of times before now, they had been to bars and clubs all over London in their relatively short time of being there. They had been in large groups and in VIP areas, they had gone unnoticed but still had remained fairly reserved. They still had an imagine to maintain and the last thing they wanted to do was make a show of themselves in front of anyone from the studio. This was a big film, big budget and a much bigger way to fall from grace.

Tonight, was different though, while it was still in the back of their mind to be cautious, they were letting lose and trying to forget it all for the night. Two of the stunt team were local to London and had offered to take them out on a low-key night.

Chris hadn’t paid much attention to what Sebastian had been drinking at the beginning of the night, they had been at a bar and the drinks had flowed merrily. Chris only noticed a difference when they arrived at the club and Sebastian had shed his jacket and any shyness he had and led the way with more drinks and shots. There was no VIP section, no special treatment put on at the studios expense, instead they took it in turns going to the bar. Chris quickly realised how fast Sebastian was getting through his drinks when he had two full glasses untouched in front of him to Sebastian’s empty ones.

The length of time Sebastian took to go to the bar had also increased; Chris could make him out chatting up the girl behind the bar as his drinks were being made. On another trip, a girl had caught Sebastian round the waist and was tossing her mane of hair back and moving against him. Chris watched on amused as Sebastian, as drunk as he was, tried to extract himself from her grip and not spill their drinks in the process.

Chris was still laughing as Sebastian approached, the ice long melted into their drinks. “Thanks to your admirer I’ve nearly caught up.” Chris said motioning to the glasses in front of him.

“She was cute though, right?” Sebastian slurred while trying to talk over the din of the music.

“Yeah,” Chris nodded and watched as Sebastian knocked back half of his drink. “Hey maybe we should slow down, don’t want to make the bar trip again too soon, you might never make it back.”

Sebastian pulled a face and swayed on the spot, “I want to dance.” He shouted into Chris’s face.

Chris wiped the spray of alcohol off his face that Sebastian had left behind in his declaration to party. Chris wondered if it had been anyone else if he would have taken more issue, but he just smirked and nodded. “Okay.”

“Where are the guys?” Sebastian motioned to the table.

“Gary left, but Paul is still out there somewhere dancing.” Chris said.

A smile blindingly bright crossed Sebastian’s face, “Come on, we got to find him.” He turned on his heel and disappeared into the crowd.

Chris knocked back his drink and followed Sebastian into the crowd. He quickly lost track of him and despite the amount he had drank he wasn’t drunk enough to lose his inhibitions on the dance floor. He quickly located Paul; he was busy hooking up with a girl that looked half his age. Chris didn’t want to intrude so edged his way round the crowd until he finally caught sight of Sebastian.

Chris had never thought of Sebastian as a wallflower, but then he had never seen him as extroverted as he was tonight. He was lost in his own world; his eyes closed, his hips moving and grinding to the beat of the music. Hands were on his hips and another set on his shoulders, dancers around him gravitated towards him and he moved through them like water. He didn’t pay anyone in particular attention and when Chris thought maybe someone was being a too grabby, Sebastian just took control and turned them moving himself to another face in the crowd.

Chris felt a strange discomfort watching him, he felt like he was watching a private moment. He looked away and felt the heat in the room engulf him. When he looked back, he could see one dancer that had managed to maintain Sebastian’s attention. Low hung jeans on a thin frame, a t-shirt sheer enough that Chris could see the definition in his toned arms and chest, and he moved in time with Sebastian. He was more boy then man in Chris’s eyes, but he wondered what Sebastian could see. Chris felt his stomach flip when the hand that rested on Sebastian’s hip tugged his jeans and pulled him closer, the other hand combing up the back of Sebastian’s neck.

Chris wasn’t sure if he had moved forward because he didn’t want to see what was going happen or whether he was just desperate to get to the centre of the dancefloor _before_ anything happened. But by the time he called out Sebastian’s name and grabbed his arm the dancer had already turned his back against Sebastian’s chest and swaying to the beat.

There was a glaze in Sebastian’s eyes, but they lit up at the sight of Chris. He tired to hold on to Chris, pulling him back into the crowd but he gave up when Chris’s arm came around his waist and guided him out of the swarm of bodies.

Chris sobered up as soon as the night air hit him. He helped Sebastian light a cigarette and covered his shoulders with his jacket when he began to shiver as the heat of the club drained from his body. Now standing out there in the cold he knew he may have overreacted by pulling Sebastian out of the club. Chris felt a strange churn in his gut as he thought of the hands that had been on Sebastian. When Sebastian leaned onto his shoulder and hummed tiredly, Chris felt the feeling fade and replaced with the need to get them away from the club.

“Come on buddy let’s get you home.” Chris said and pulling a pliable Sebastian with him.

Sebastian pressed his shoulders into the wall beside his hotel room door and rocked on the balls of his feet. He handed Chris his phone and wallet.

“I’m sure I put it in here.” He slurred, fumbling in his jacket pocket and pulled out a handful of coins that scattered over the floor.

Chris felt this would have been more annoying if Sebastian wasn’t an endearing drunk that couldn’t stop apologising profusely over nothing and making all innocent conversations inappropriate with just a giggle; like when Chris asked a fellow elevator user if they were going up or going down. What was making it annoying was Chris was desperate for a piss and as cute as bumbling drunk Sebastian was, he had to take matters into his own hands.

Chris put all the stuff Sebastian had given him to hold back into Sebastian’s hands and checked the jacket pockets himself. He ran a hand quickly over Sebastian’s back jean pockets and the front. Hearing a jingle Chris slide his hand in to one of the tight front jean pockets. Sebastian let out a loan moan.

“You haven’t brought me enough drinks for that.” His voice was a low rasp and it made Chris flush with a heat up over his chest and up his neck.

Pulling his hand free with the key he waved it in front of Sebastian, “Just the key.”

Sebastian laughed and followed Chris into the room. Stumbling over himself he managed to get his shoes off and his jacket halfway down his back before he fell onto the bed face first and lay there until Chris came back from the bathroom. He could feel Chris helping him take his jacket off and pulling him further up the bed.

“I’m drunk.” He mumbled into the pillow.

“No shit,” Chris laughed. “Here, sit up, drink this.” Chris tugged at him and placed a glass in his hand.

“You are taking this hero role seriously.” Sebastian said into the glass.

“Oh yeah?” Chris said, not really looking at Sebastian just following the glass on Sebastian’s lips.

“Yeah, saving me from all that fun.” Sebastian laughed.

Chris watched as Sebastian wiped the dribble of water that escaped his mouth and rolled down his chin.

“Just keeping an eye out for you.” Chris swallowed thickly and gave a shrug. Maybe he had spoiled Sebastian’s fun.

“Just didn’t want to go home alone, did you?” Sebastian said with a raised eyebrow.

Chris took the empty glass from Sebastian and moved out the way as Sebastian tried to settle back on the bed. Chris felt an unease, his instinct was to flirt right back, that is how he always interacted with Sebastian and it meant nothing, but this felt different. It was different, because he had never seen Sebastian like that before tonight, he had never thought of him pressed up against another guy and he had never thought of himself as being jealous about it either.

“Would you have gone home with that guy if I hadn’t come over?” Chris asked.

Sebastian looked up at the ceiling as if the answer was clearly up there.

“No.” He finally answered.

It didn’t really satisfy Chris’s curiosity, so he pushed a little more. “Have you ever?”

Sebastian looked down where Chris was perched on the edge of the bed. He looked vulnerable, unsure if he wanted to know the answer.

“I’ve had offers but never left with anyone.” Sebastian watched Chris nod his head and look at his hands. “I’ve been with one guy but not all the way.” Chris looked up at that.

“Really?”

“Yeah, I was seventeen and we messed about, but that was it.” Sebastian smiled at the memory. “I’ve never told anyone that.”

Chris smiled with him, “Thanks for telling me.”

“What about you?” Sebastian asked.

Chris shook his head and smiled. “I can appreciate a good-looking guy; I’ve never done anything about it.”

“It’s not compulsory.” Sebastian said with a snort.

“No.” Chris nodded in agreement.

Sebastian yawned and curled up into the bed and reached out to touch Chris’s arm. “Thanks for looking out for me and not just tonight.”

“Anytime.” Chris whispered.

\--

New York 2019

For the fifth morning Sebastian had woken to the noise of his phone ring, and just as he had on previous mornings, he had turned it off and hid back under the covers. The fact he had made it to his bed at all had amazed him. He didn’t remember much past the first couple of shots of vodka. He knew he had lost some time, but he’d rather lose it then be conscious and have every memory of his time with Chris going through his head.

He thought he had dealt with it all, boxed it up and packed it away, he had dealt with it by ignoring it and he could do it again. As if like clockwork the apartment phone started ringing. He managed to slip from the bed, lift the handset just enough to stop the ringing before letting it crash back down. His head was too sore to deal with the noise or worse talking to anyone.

Sebastian sat on the edge of the bed, the weight of his head making his chin hit his chest. The door buzzer went, and Sebastian groaned, he was in no fit state to answer that either. He stumbled his way through to the kitchen, maybe a coffee would help and then he could get on with life. The door buzzer sounded again. A sudden panic flooded him, Oliver was due home, what if it was him? The thought pulled him to the door, he tired to think of the last message he’d sent, fuck he couldn’t see him like this.

Sebastian doesn’t even look at the video screen before he’s buzzed apologising over the speaker. He knew his mistake as soon as the door downstairs opened and the figure disappeared from the small screen, fucking Mackie. Sebastian quickly grabbed a t-shirt and pulled it over his head and reluctantly opened the door to stop the pounding fist on it.

“What the fuck, okay.” Sebastian said opening the door.

Despite the aggressive nature of his knock Anthony greeted Sebastian with a glorious smile.

“Wow, look at you.” He said walking into the apartment. “Hottest guy on the block, umm and is that Eau Du hangover I’m smelling?” He said patting Sebastian on the back.

Normally Sebastian would play along, he’d take the joke and set it right back up for Anthony to deliver a sweet punchline. But not today, not at his expense and not when he has mistaken him for someone else.

“What are you doing here.” He said closing the door behind him.

“Lovely way to greet your long-suffering friend.” Anthony said taking his jacket off and tossing it over the back of a dinning chair.

Sebastian followed him through the apartment keen to get to the kitchen before he could see the array of empty vodka bottles.

“How do you even know where I live?”

“Chris told me.” Anthony said pausing at the kitchen counter and picking up a half empty bottle. With his back to him, he didn’t see the surprise and confusion on Sebastian’s face.

“What?”

Anthony turned with the bottle still in hand. “A while ago, I wasn’t sure if you had moved since then but since you won’t answer a phone.” Anthony waved the bottle in his hand. “You are making a bloody Mary for breakfast?”

Sebastian took the bottle from him and shoved it into a cupboard and grabbed a cup. “Coffee?”

“Will that be the strongest thing you’ve had today?” Anthony asked leaning against the counter.

“Look,” Sebastian turned tired and angry, “I don’t need the third degree, this is my home, my life, I can do what the fuck I want.”

“I know, I know.” Anthony nodded his arms crossed over his chest. “I’m just worried about you, I just wanted to make sure everything was ok.”

“Why?” Sebastian asked his brow knitted in a frown.

Of course, he knew why. Why else would he be here checking up on him? He should have known Chris would have told him, shown him everything; looking for approval to ease his own conscience.

“I told him to tell you before other people see it.” Anthony said, ignoring Sebastian’s question. There was no point in pretence especially when it was obvious that Sebastian had been swirling in booze and his own self-pity for days.

“He didn’t, my manager gave it to me.”

Anthony tutted, “I don’t know what he is thinking.”

Sebastian didn’t really know how to respond to that. It was only Chris that could tell them that. Sebastian knew his own side of things and he knew he wasn’t innocent, but either way he didn’t understand why Chris was trying to make this into some kind of entertainment for the world to see. Hadn’t they both been hurt enough?

Sebastian turned to make some coffee, he could feel Anthony watch him, he wanted to ask when had he seen Chris, how did he look, was he happy? Instead he found himself talking as the memory came back to him.

“You know, I was in London recently and all I could think about was the time I’d spent there making that first film.” Sebastian turned and pushed a coffee cup across the counter to Anthony. “I don’t have any bad memories from that time. It still gives me that buzz, you know?” He rubbed at his chest absently. “We didn’t know then, I didn’t know what it would lead to, it was just innocent and fun.”

“We both remember things differently but not that time, that is the same.”

\--

2010

Sebastian stood just a small distance from Chris, he watched as the concentration in his face creased lines between his brow. Sebastian had an urge to rub a finger across it and make Chris smile. They were cold and tired; it was the last scene of the day and for whatever reason it was taking the longest to shoot. Nothing strenuous, nothing too demanding, not even any dialog, just a simple panning shot of them looking over a map and the compass in Chris’s hand and then Chris had to give the camera a disgruntled look. Easy.

Maybe is the time it had taken to set up, or the fact that the direction had changed several times, but the simple scene had suddenly become Chris’s nemesis. Sebastian had seen Chris deal with lots of quick changes but something about this had Chris wound up, as much as he tried to relax his shoulders were up at his ears. Sebastian could see Chris taking in everyone’s reaction before the camera was even off him. He was taking every mess up as a person failure and the anxiety was coming off him in waves. Several times Sebastian attempted to catch his eye and give him a smile of reassurance, but Chris never noticed.

They did the take three more times before cut was called with a tone of “That will have to do.”

Sebastian felt his stomach sink at the dejected slump of Chris’s shoulders as he walked away from the scene. He tried to catch up with him, but an assistant was already ushering Sebastian back to the trailer to change, eager to get away at the end of the long day.

Once Sebastian was changed, he made his way to Chris’s trailer, he listened for a moment at the door, everything seemed uncharacteristically quiet. He knocked, when there was no reply, he tried the door calling Chris’s name gently.

Chris was sat on couch his legs splayed, his elbow on his knees and his head in his hands. He was stripped down to his boxers and t-shirt. Sebastian said his name, but he didn’t respond. When he listened carefully, he could hear a count under the laboured breathing.

Sebastian crouched down in front of Chris and gently touched his shoulder. He waited till he heard the count of a hundred to finish before he spoke.

“You ok?”

Chris lifted his head from his palms and wiped frantically at the tears with the back of his hands.

“So, fucking stupid.” Chris croaked. “Don’t know what the fuck I’m doing here.”

“Hey, stop,” Sebastian grabbed at Chris’s hand. “So what? You had a bad half hour at the end of the day.”

Chris couldn’t look at Sebastian’s face, instead just focusing on the squeeze of his hand in his. “Once it started, I just couldn’t get it to stop.” He explained.

Sebastian knew what Chris meant; he could feel the panic radiating off him. “It’s ok.”

“Everyone is looking at me, expecting so much, I can’t even…”

“Stop it,” Sebastian pulled Chris’s face to look at his, “stop beating yourself up over one day.” Sebastian sat up on his knees and pulled Chris too him, wrapping his arms round his shoulders and squeezing. “You just need to let it out, stop trying to control it for one moment.”

Chris let his head rest against Sebastian’s chest and his hands grip round his back, he let out a few shuddering breaths and felt the tears sting at his eyes again. He let out a little sob as he heard Sebastian mumble into his hair, “I got you.”

They had stayed like that until someone chapped Chris’s door, his car was ready to take him back to the hotel. Sebastian had helped Chris get dressed and the last of his stuff packed away. He was exhausted and desperate to get a shower and forget about the day, but as Sebastian went to leave ahead of him, Chris could feel himself begin to panic at the thought of being alone in that room, with only the voice of self-doubt playing on a looped track in his head for company.

“Hey, are you busy tonight?” Chris asked.

“Nothing urgent, you want to hang out?” Sebastian asked.

“Do you mind?” Chris asked so unsure of himself.

“Like all those other times we’ve hung out?” Sebastian said with a soft smile. “Of course, I don’t mind.”

“Thanks.” Chris couldn’t help but feel stupid for even asking, he knew they hung out a lot but the thought of Sebastian being stuck trying to cheer him up or ward off the demons in his head, it didn’t seem like fun.

Despite feeling better after a shower and dinner Chris was still on edge. Sebastian put the controller down and turned to Chris.

“I think I have what you need.” Sebastian said in a coy tone.

Chris looked at him eyebrows raised. “Oh yeah?”

Sebastian smirked, “Yeah, but don’t judge me.” Squeezing Chris’s knee and getting up from the couch, he grabbed for his jacket and pulled out his cigarette packet.

“I don’t think a smoke will help.” Chris said seeing the packet.

“This kind might.” Sebastian said offering Chris a rolled up joint.

Chris lay on his back; the lights of the room were dim and the breeze from the open window he lay in front of chilled his skin, but he didn’t mind it. Chris had dramatically fallen off his chair laughing so hard at Sebastian’s impression of Chris doing his failed scene today. It was what he needed; to laugh at himself and just let it go.

His eyes opened and closed slowly watching the silhouette of Sebastian as he sat on the chair blowing smoke out the window. At no point had Chris tried to get back up, instead laying on the floor and letting the sleepy feeling take over. He was exhausted, his emotions had drained him and his last blast on energy courtesy of Sebastian’s secret stash had tipped him over the edge.

“Where’d you get this?” He’d asked. Sebastian had just smiled at him.

“It pays to be nice to everyone.” Sebastian teased.

“I am nice to everyone.” Chris said through the billowing smoke.

Sebastian reached down and took the last of the joint from between Chris’s fingers and had one last drag before stubbing it out. He turned and looked down at the mess of Chris sprawled on the floor. He reached down and grabbed Chris’s hands.

“Come on, you better get to bed, or you’ll be no use to anyone tomorrow.” Sebastian gave a tug on the dead weight of Chris arms.

“No, I’m staying here.” He laughed as Sebastian grunted while trying to pull at him, “No, you can’t make me.” He laughed and squeezed Sebastian’s hands and pulled him down on top of him with little effort.

Sebastian landed with a grunt, “Ow! My arm!”

Chris couldn’t stop laughing despite being winded. “I’m sorry.” He chuckled.

Sebastian rolled off him and rubbed at his elbow. “Sure, you are. Ouch.”

Chris tired to sober his laughter and rolled over, “I am, I’m sorry, let me see.” He reached for Sebastian’s arm, but Sebastian rolled away again.

“Never, you are just a bully.” Sebastian smirked when Chris feigned hurt.

“I’m not a bully, I’m a lover not a fighter.”

Chris held one hand out to Sebastian’s sore arm, as soon as Sebastian rolled his eyes and offered it to him, Chris grabbed him and dug his fingers into Sebastian’s side making his squirm and laugh while he tried to scramble away. Chris held on tight and buried his face into Sebastian’s chest as he attacked back.

Chris gave up panting with laughter, “Okay, okay!”

They both collapsed back on the floor, Chris half on top of Sebastian, he still held Sebastian’s sore arm on his hand. “I’m sorry.” He placed a kiss to Sebastian’s arm absently and said it again, “I’m sorry.” He began trailing a line of kisses from his hand up to his elbow and back down the underside till he kissed his palm.

He hadn’t noticed the way Sebastian had held his breath or the way his finders were fisted in the back of Chris shirt. But when Chris looked up and saw the way Sebastian’s eyes were blown out, Chris instinctively moved over him and watched his lips.

“Sorry.” Chris said barely a whisper.

Sebastian closed the small space between them, crushing his lips against Chris’s briefly, when he pulled back Chris stared at him. Sebastian opened his mouth to say something, but Chris was already chasing Sebastian’s lips again with his own.

Chris faltered when his tongue licked against Sebastian’s for the first time, suddenly unsure if he should stop but Sebastian had pulled at him, his hand in his hair, the other on his back. They didn’t stop until they were out of breath and fanning each other with their hot breaths. What could have been an awkward moment was subdued by their sudden breathless laughter.

Sebastian had pushed and rolled them till he was on top of Chris. He couldn’t stop the burning in his cheeks at the flood of embarrassment.

“Apology accepted.” He said in a husky voice. “Now get up and go to bed.” He said lifting his weight from Chris and offered down a hand which Chris accepted.

Chris swayed slightly on his feet, “Night Seb.” He said smiling sheepishly.

“Night.” Sebastian said opening the door and smiling back.

\--

New York 2019

Anthony looked like he had been smacked in the face as he stared at Sebastian taking a sip of coffee.

“You just walked away?” Anthony said when Sebastian didn’t elaborate.

“Yeah, it was, what it, was.”

“No conversation, no, what the fuck does this mean?” Anthony asked bluntly.

“We didn’t want to make it awkward.” Sebastian shrugged.

“What the fuck did you say the next day?”

Sebastian thought back on the day, it had been so long. It felt odd explaining it, but they hadn’t been any different, they had gone about their day like nothing had happened. That was until Sebastian knocked on Chris’s door that night; he still had one joint left to smoke. They never spoke about it just smoked, laughed and ended up on top of one another, wet kisses and groans, hands roaming over clothed bodies.

Anthony threw his hands up in disbelief, “At no point you thought we better set some ground rules.”

It made Sebastian laugh out loud for the first time in days, he wasn’t sure if Anthony’s reaction was more for dramatic effect or just genuine disbelief hearing it from his friend like this.

“Do you lay ground rules out when you make out with someone?” Sebastian mused.

“If I ever started making out with a friend that was a dude, that I didn’t know was gay or bisexual, then yes, I might have to lay out some rules or even just ask if what we were doing was cool.” Anthony summarised clearly.

“Okay well we were both very cool about it because, THAT was obvious.” Sebastian said wiggling his eyebrows.

“Okay, moving on…” Anthony waved his hand, keen to skip some details.

“Well the next time, we didn’t have the pretence of getting high, so it was a bit more intense.” Sebastian said.

\--

2010

It was a couple of nights before they hung out again, they had decided to give game night a miss because Sebastian refused to play any of the games that Chris cheated on, so it had narrowed down their choices, so they had settled on a film.

Sebastian could see Chris was busy looking anywhere other than at Sebastian. Never catching his eye, always looking down at his phone or scrolling through the channels for a film for them to watch. Sebastian tried to not let the conversation falter; filling the silence that Chris and his awkwardness was creating.

Neither of them paid attention to the film instead lost in their own thoughts. Both had flirted and they had done it tongue in cheek. It had meant nothing. _Hadn’t it?_ Sebastian had openly commented on how Chris could flirt with rock and still have it go home with him at the end of the night. Getting high had just been enough to take the edge off and maybe it had been what they needed, maybe it was just going to be a two night deal and they could just forget about it.

When the film had finished Sebastian had made the motion to leave, “Early start right?”

Chris had nodded in agreement as he followed Sebastian to room door to show him out. Chris was just a step too close and when Sebastian paused with his hand on the door and stepped back into Chris’s space, brushing his back to Chris’s chest; a hand grabbed at Sebastian’s hip and lips brushed his neck. Sebastian moaned and keened into Chris’s touch; it was all the invite Chris had needed. His hands roamed over Sebastian’s chest and slipping under the material as he sucked and nipped at Sebastian’s neck. It wasn’t until Chris let his hand skirt down and cupped Sebastian’s cock through his jeans that Sebastian had let Chris’s name fall from his lips.

It was like a match had been struck and the fire in Chris’s gut was ignited. There had only ever been moans and the sound of lips on skin but to hear Sebastian moan his name and acknowledge that it was Chris turning him on and they were _actually_ doing this, it made Chris explode.

Turning Sebastian, he pressed him against the door and locked eyes with him, his fingers worked the buttons on Sebastian’s jeans, he licked out and caught the lip Sebastian was biting on.

“Tell me what you want.” Chris’s voice was laden with lust.

Sebastian has dug his fingers into Chris biceps and barely whispered, “Touch me.”

Chris did, he pulled Sebastian free of his jeans and stroked his cock that was already hard. The soft groans from Sebastian, laid waste to any doubt in Chris’s mind at that moment. He pressed his lips against Sebastian’s and Sebastian gripped at him frantically, clawing as his shoulder, pulling at his hair as his tongue devoured his mouth. Sebastian’s head fell back as Chris’s pace increased, Chris couldn’t take his eyes off the way Sebastian panted for air, his tongue sweeping his lips making them wet made Chris groan.

“I’m… I’m gonna… fuu..”

Chris cut Sebastian’s words off with his mouth, tasting him and pressing wet kisses to his throat. Sebastian tensed as he let go and his coated himself and Chris as he came. Chris let his head rest against Sebastian’s shoulder, still slowly stroking Sebastian as he softened in his hand. Sebastian’s breath hitched and he grabbed for Chris’s hand, too sensitive for the touch.

Chris didn’t lift his head but just sighed. “This is going to be awkward now.”

Sebastian laughed and rested his own head against Chris’s, “Let’s not make it awkward then.”

“No talking about it?”

“No talking about it.” Sebastian said pulling back. “I better…” He looked down his dick still in Chris’s hand.

“Not awkward.” Chris chuckled letting go and feeling the sudden coolness in the room now they weren’t pressed together.

Sebastian tucked himself back into his jeans while Chris cleaned himself, he waited till Chris came back into the room. He could see it in his face there was something wrong, maybe regret, maybe embarrassment, but when Sebastian went to him and touched him, he felt him stiffen.

“Chris?”

Chris locked eyes with him, “I’m ok.”

Sebastian was unsure and didn’t want to push anything so when Chris cupped his face and brushed his lips gently over his he let him take control and kissed him slowly. When he pulled back Sebastian opened his eyes and let out a breath. He knew he was in trouble.

\--

“He was scared.” Sebastian said more to himself than Anthony. “I can see that now.”

Anthony cleared his throat; it had gone dry listening to Sebastian skirt around the details of first sexual encounter.

“That’s _not_ how it comes across in his story.” Anthony said.

Sebastian looked up at him, as if just noticing that he was still there.

“Of course, it doesn’t, he doesn’t want to admit a lot of things either.”

Sebastian got up and found the script he had shed so many tears over the last few days, just a bunch of memories of one person. He put it on the counter between them both and stared at it.

“None of this is my side, this is just all the hurt and hate he feels for me in some manuscript.” His voice was calm, but Anthony couldn’t miss the break as he tried to maintain his composure.

“You need to talk to him Sebastian.” Anthony picked up the paper, “That is why he has done this because he’s hurt and it’s only to show you that.”

“Then why take it this far and send it to people.” Sebastian asked incredulously.

Anthony shook his head, “To get your attention, he thought it would and its worked.” Anthony signed and hung his head, “It might have something to do with you moving on and he’s not been at the stage to do that yet.”

“What?” Sebastian asked.

“You have found Oliver and he’s still, he’s not over you.” Anthony said softly.

“How?” Sebastian frowned, “How does he know about Oliver? It’s not public.” He shook his head.

“Do you think Chris gets his Sebastian gossip from twitter?” Anthony joked. “You have mutual friends dude.” 

“Oliver is…” Sebastian faltered, he wasn’t about to label him or their relationship, not here, not now, especially when he hasn’t even spoken with Oliver about it.

When Sebastian didn’t finish there was a sighing noise that had both Sebastian and Anthony turning to the kitchen door.

“Don’t stop now. Oliver is what?” The bright smile was offset by the questioning tone.

Oliver stood looking between both Anthony and Sebastian, unsure of what he had just walked into.


	2. Two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chris and Sebastian come back together on the set of Winter Soldier. A mix up on a night out leads to a troubling issue for Sebastian and Chris realises he's jealous and wants more.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The title of this story is based on the Mumford and Sons song White Blank Page. A few of their songs have influenced the story so I'll tag them at the end the chapters.
> 
> I hope you enjoy the story.  
Any feedback is welcome.  
Thanks

New York 2019

Sebastian pushed his fork into a pile of spaghetti on his plate and twirled it round. It never once left his plate. He sipped at his glass of wine nodding occasionally as Oliver did his best to engage him in conversation.

“What do you think?” Oliver asked looking over at Sebastian. He put his own fork down and cleared his throat. “Seb?”

Sebastian looked up at him and let out a long sigh, “Sorry, yeah, it sounds good.”

Oliver sighed and took a bit of his own dinner watching as Sebastian tuned back out again. Since he had got back to Sebastian’s apartment and interrupted his conversation with Anthony, Sebastian had shut down and shrugged off any questions on the topic. Oliver had seen Sebastian in through some highs and lows, but this was different, this scared him, he was detached and lost so deep in thought that he couldn’t break through. He knew better than to push for too many answers, Sebastian would tell him in time, but he couldn’t just ignore it.

“Sebastian, are you ok?” Oliver asked.

Sebastian looked at Oliver’s hand where it rested on his own, those slim fingers with neat nails, his tanned skin up his arm to a rolled up white shirt sleeve. The arm of the shirt pulled over his defined bicep. The collar on his shirt was open and Sebastian could just see his pulse point. His jaw was clean shaven, sharp but soft, with thin lips, his eyes were dark and the lashes that fluttered over them allowed him to get his own away more often than not. His short and slightly gelled spiked hair meant Sebastian never ran his fingers through it, despite how much he wanted to sometimes.

Oliver, poor sweet Oliver, looking after him, he always did. Sebastian hadn’t answered his calls in days and as soon as he was back in town, he had come over to make sure he was ok. Sebastian had given him the spare key weeks before, he had told him it was only for emergencies or to water the plants when he was out of town, it was not a symbol of them taking this relationship any further; the latter part had gone unsaid because, God forbid Sebastian tried to move on and make any kind of commitment with someone.

The union with Oliver had started as rebound, a band aid Sebastian needed to move past other things. It had evolved into the longest, sustained, uninterrupted relationship he had had with a guy and he was the opposite of everything that Chris was, and it was everything Sebastian needed.

Oliver was good for him, he was kind, caring, gentle and boring. So fucking boring and gentle so gentle he wasn’t sure he felt anything when they were together and my god kind, so kind that when he doesn’t hear from Sebastian for days, he turns up, makes him dinner and doesn’t push him for explanation as to why he’s been lock away abusing his liver with vodka. Fuck, and fuck Chris for reminding him that Chris was everything that Oliver wasn’t, and that _he_ was all Sebastian ever wanted.

“I’m fine.” Sebastian smiled at Oliver and squeezed his hand back.

Sebastian went back to his wine and pushing his dinner round the plate not offering anything else. He had never told Oliver about Chris, of course he knew about him in the same way everyone knew about Chris Evans; but he didn’t know how deep their friendship had gone. How could he tell someone, when he hadn’t even acknowledged it? He’d have to now though, now that Chris had written a fucking essay on their relationship.

Once they had finished dinner Sebastian really wanted to be left alone but despite his mood, he knew he couldn’t do that to Oliver. Sebastian tried to shut off, focus on the affection that Oliver was trying to show him. He had never compared one to another and he didn’t want to start so when Oliver pressed him back on the couch, his lips pressing against his neck and hands roaming his chest he fought to push away the memories of Atlanta.

By the time Sebastian had gone to Atlanta to start filming Winter Soldier he was like Bambi trying to find his feet again, but Chris was there as he was before, as a friend, a confidant and so much more.

The memory twisted pleasantly in Sebastian’s gut and left Sebastian hot and…

“Stop, stop!” Sebastian moaned against the lips that were assaulting his own.

“What?” Oliver panted.

“Sorry, stop… Oliver…” Sebastian said focusing on the beautiful man in front of him.

Sebastian pushed up from under his slight frame and extracted himself from his hold. Oliver sat up with him and watched as an agonising look crossed Sebastian’s face.

“What’s wrong Sebastian, just tell me, please.” Oliver whispered.

Sebastian sat forward his head in his hands and sighed. He knew Oliver deserved some explanation, but he had nothing to give.

\--

Early 2013

Chris trailed his fingers lazily down the damp t-shirt clinging to Sebastian’s chest. His other hand fisted in the jean material of his hip. He could feel Sebastian push back against him and the heat of his body soaking through to Chris. It was intoxicating, he could feel their bodies moving in time with the music. He felt he was holding on to Sebastian for dear life. His head was swimming in the dim coloured lights and crowd that moved as one body together. He wasn’t sure if he was on solid ground anymore, everything felt uncertain blow his feet, the only thing that he was sure of was the body in front of him.

Chris closed his eyes and felt himself stumble, but hands held onto his pulling him against a strong back. Chris let his head fall against Sebastian’s shoulder and then they were swaying slowly out of time with the music. He could taste salt on his tongue, licking over his lips and the skin beneath them. The sound of the music covered the groan that left Sebastian. Chris let his teeth sink into the soft flesh of Sebastian’s neck. He let them graze all the way down to the neckline of his t-shirt.

Chris noticed the shift in their movement when Sebastian’s hand came to rest on the back of Chris’s head, fingers lacing through his hair and tugging. Sebastian’s lower body ruched forward into the palm of Chris’s hand that was no longer on his hip but rubbing along the hard outline of Sebastian’s jeans.

The crowd around them thinned as Chris let himself be pulled behind Sebastian to the bar. He felt the chilled glass at his lips and the bitter wash of water over his tongue as it washed away the spicy taste of Sebastian’s skin. He could see Sebastian talking at him, his body leaned into his as he bent over to say something in his ear. Chris clutched to the front of Sebastian’s t-shirt wanting to pull him closer but whatever he had said had him pulling back. Sebastian ran his hands over Chris’s arms leaving scorch trails of heat on his skin and pulled at his hands, prising him from his seat.

His legs weren’t functioning anymore as he was handled into the back of a car. As soon as the cool night air had hit him, he could feel his knees going weak. Sebastian never let go, talking him through every step till he was in the car. He wasn’t sure if he lost consciousness but he but felt Sebastian’s hand tight in his and a raking of his fingers through Chris’s damp hair.

When Chris woke, he wasn’t sure if it had been a dream but there was a burning in his throat, and nothing could bring his head off the pillow. The pain weighing him down and keeping him safe from moving too fast.

Rolling on to his side, he squinted into the dim light of the room, Chris could see the messy figure of Sebastian in a chair. Black clad legs flopped over the armrest and his arms folded in over his chest. Chris could make out the shallow breathing and soft sound of snoring as Sebastian’s face crushed against the back of the chair. Chris felt a throb and twitch in his groin at the sight of him.

It set a train of confusing thoughts off in his head, he could still feel the movement of Sebastian against him in the club. The heat and the taste of his skin and the hard length beneath his jeans. 

Chris heard himself groan, a cracked call against the dryness of his throat, it wasn’t loud, but it was enough to stir Sebastian. Flinging himself up, lost and confused, hair sticking up from where he had been pressed into the cushion. He squinted over at Chris and clambered off the chair on to the bed.

“Hey, buddy.” Sebastian cooed in a sleepy tone. “You’re ok, you’re at the hotel.”

Chris tried to lift his head and speak but Sebastian placed a firm hand on his shoulder.

“Don’t get up.”

Sebastian leaned over Chris to reach of a glass of water on the table beside the bed. Chris licked at his dry lips taking in the stale scent of Sebastian, cigarettes, alcohol and sweat. Sebastian held a glass of water with straw to Chris’s lips.

“Just little sips.” Sebastian coaxed.

Chris complied, placing a shaky hand over Sebastian’s trying to hold the glass.

“Thanks.” Chris finally croaked.

“Glad to you see can at least talk again.” Sebastian said placing the glass down. “You scared me.”

Nothing Sebastian said was making much sense to Chris, everything was still just a fog in his brain. The only thing that didn’t seem foreign was Sebastian himself, so Chris gripped on to him and pulled him down, so he was beside him on the bed.

“I feel… I, everything is…” Chris tried to order his thoughts and worked to process them into words.

“Hey, it’s ok, just close your eyes and get some sleep.” Sebastian reassured.

Chris did as Sebastian said but it wasn’t until he felt the tug of the material from Sebastian’s t-shirt that he had fisted in his hand as Sebastian tried to pull away, that he panicked.

“Don’t.” Chris said his eyes flying open.

Sebastian looked down at him and nodded and he lay down beside Chris. He let Chris pull at him so he could curl up and hide against Sebastian’s chest. Sebastian placed a tentative hand on Chris’s shoulder and Chris keened into it. Sebastian let himself relax and snaked his arm under the pillow where Chris’s head rested and pulled Chris closer running a hand soothingly over his back until Chris’s breathing eased out and fell into a steady rhythm.

When Chris next woke, he was on his own. He couldn’t place the ringing that blared out in the room. Only when it stopped did Chris try to lift his head from the pillow. The dull pain at the back of his eyes didn’t feel like his normal hangover and his recollections of the night before were less then clear, but he did know that Sebastian was now gone, and there was a puddling dread in the pit of his stomach when he tried to think of the night before. Squeezing his eyes closed he tried to think of something else, and not venture back there.

He stood under the shower and lost track of time, his stomach was in knots and despite the heat of the water it could not rid him the cold chill of goose bumps covering his skin. When he finally got out the shower he could hear the banging on his door, confused and grumbling he wrapped a towel round his waist and pulled the door open.

“What?” He snapped before he realised it was a disgruntled assistant.

“You are late.”

“What time is it?” Chris asked looking round for the jeans he had thrown on the bed before his shower and took out his phone.

“Past nine, you were meant to be at the studio over an hour ago.”

“Fuck.” Chris cursed under his breath. “I’m sorry I’ll be two minutes.”

The assistant didn’t say anything just let the door close behind them as they went back into the corridor. Chris pulled his clothes on as fast as he could and grabbed his bag. Never had he been late to set, never had he slept in and never had he lost time to the night before when he had a call time. When he joined the assistant to in the car to the set he apologised profusely. He felt like an ass and he knew he looked like one. He was obviously hungover, his stomach growled, and his eyes were bloodshot.

Chris checked his phone, there were several missed calls from Sebastian, probably trying to wake him up. There was a message saying he’d gone back to his room to get showered and he’s see him at training, another asking where he was and then one final one saying he’d told people that Chris wasn’t feeling well the night before, that is was something he’d eaten. Chris liked that excuse, it was at least some kind of excuse, Chris’s brain wasn’t functioning enough to come up with one himself.

The makeshift gym was also the training area for choregraphed fight scenes and weapon handling. Chris was used to it; it was familiar as were all the stunt crew which made him feel worse showing up in such a state this morning. Scanning over the room he caught sight of Sebastian, he was in deep conversation with Paul one of the stunt guys.

Chris remembered the first day Sebastian had turned up at training for Winter Soldier, it had been the first time he had seen him in nearly a year, Chris would have been lying if there wasn’t bundle of excitement and anticipation at seeing him again. He wasn’t sure what to expect when those blue eyes hit his or how he was going to feel, there were so many unanswered questions in his head, like had too much time passed for them to be as close friends? Are they going to ignore everything that happened in London or are they going to talk about it? Should he expect more of the same or was it just wishful thinking on his part?

Whatever unresolved questions that he had running through his head they were gone in a flash as soon as he saw the familiar soft smile and sharp jaw and the crinkle round his eyes as Sebastian approached the floor to say hello. Chris couldn’t stop himself from lighting up and maybe a bit too eagerly pulling Sebastian into a bear hug of a welcome. He was sure he could feel the nervous energy pulsing through Sebastian, but it eased as he held on for what might have seemed a moment too long to anyone else.

When Chris had let go, they had both easily fallen into conversation, it might have been a year, but it felt like just yesterday they had stood in front of each other and talked. Despite that there was a little unspoken tension between them and before it could rear its head, Paul who had been part of the stunt team from the beginning had come over and welcomed Sebastian in a similar welcoming embrace. The relief on Sebastian’s face when he found out he would be working with Paul again had warmed Chris but also twisted in his gut.

Paul and Sebastian had a great repour and it created a great team to work with. It was good to watch, Paul pushed Sebastian in all the ways to get the best out of his performance. As with all the stunt team they had grown close. But there was something more about Paul, the way he made Sebastian laugh or how he had praised him during training or the way his hand lingered on Sebastian’s body. No one else might have noticed it but Chris did.

In the two weeks Sebastian had been on the set training Chris felt he had barely had a chance to speak to Sebastian or even spend time catching up. Even when they were together, there was always someone else there and more often than not, it was Paul. So, when Chris had suggested night out to break the ice with the crew, he wasn’t surprised to find Paul at Sebastian’s side in the club.

The jealousy that swirled in Chris’s stomach had been enough to make him hit the beers a bit harder than he had intended. He had made the move to go and commandeer the conversation away from Paul several times but he always found himself stilted, saying nothing of importance and being caught off guard when someone butted in. To be fair the club wasn’t the best place to talk, so Chris had offered to get Sebastian another beer instead and suggested they grab dinner through the week, he wanted to hear how everything was going.

Sebastian had agreed happily despite being distracted at the bar by Paul. Maybe Sebastian had noticed the way Chris seemed dejected by the abrupt end of their conversation or he just wanted to get a chance to talk to Chris alone, so when he grabbed the beers from the bar and pushed them out into the crowd, Chris couldn’t have been happier. When they stopped someone had bumped into the back of Sebastian nearly knocking the drinks flying. Chris caught him, taking the drinks from his hand as Sebastian tried to wipe down his damp t-shirt. Chris had made some bad joke about a wet t-shirt competition and taken a big swig of his drink as he watched Sebastian’s cheeks burn.

Now in the cold light of day, Chris could see that burn again as Paul held Sebastian’s arm up and he positioned him into to a stance for a fictional punch he would be blocking in a sequence they would be doing with Chris later today. The thought made Chris’s head expand and pound in an angry rhythm.

Chris shuffled off the changing room and settled on the bench, he tried to ignore the coming and going of everyone, he held a fixed, stiff grin and let his head lull back with his eyes closed wishing he was back in bed. He wasn’t sure if he had dosed off when Sebastian sat next to him, bumping his leg against Chris’s. His hand squeezed Chris’s arm gently and his brow knitted together in concern.

“Hey how you feeling?” Sebastian asked.

Chris tried to focus on Sebastian.

“I feel rough.” Chris croaked.

“Yeah I’m sorry, that’s all my fault.” Sebastian said letting his gaze drop.

“It’s not,” Chris would have shaken his head, but he felt it might burst if he tried. “I shouldn’t have drank that last beer. I had too much.”

Chris felt Sebastian let go of his arm with a hollow laugh, Chris couldn’t mistake the look on Sebastian’s face as anything other than guilt.

“What’s wrong Seb?”

“It was my fault,” Sebastian looking up at Chris through his lashes, “It was my drink you had by mistake. When you took it off me, you must have mixed them up and drank mine.”

Chris just looked at Sebastian confused, he remembered holding the beers but… “What?”

Sebastian rubbed at the back of his neck. “Mines had a little something extra in it.” When Chris just stared back at him and said nothing Sebastian cursed. “Please don’t look at me like that.”

“Why would you do that?” Chris croaked.

“I didn’t do it on purpose!” Sebastian said in a quick defensive tone. “I would never do that!” The sweat was beading on his forehead as panic kicked in. “I didn’t realise till it was too late, and you had spaced out.”

Chris could see the flame of Sebastian’s skin, in his cheeks, down his neck and under his t-shirt. His hands twisted and his knee jerked up and down so fast Chris couldn’t watch without his stomach churning like he was on rough seas.

“No, I know, I just…” Chris closed his eyes to try settle the movement round him and try to get it straight in his mind what Sebastian was saying. “I mean why, why were you taking something.”

“It’s just... sometimes I, it’s not a big deal.” Sebastian shifted uncomfortably.

Chris gave a muffled laugh, “Not a big deal?” He opened his eyes peering at Sebastian.

“No,” Sebastian shook his head, he felt awful seeing Chris like this. “I just get a high and have something the next day to level me out.”

Chris’s eye grew wide, “Jesus Seb.”

“It relaxes me, that’s all, but at least I know I’ve taken it.” Sebastian, sighed, “I’m so sorry Chris.”

Chris closed his eyes again groaned, “So what is the cure?”

“Sleep and pain killers for your head.” Sebastian offered.

Chris sat forward and put his head in his hands, “I’ve taken some painkillers, hopefully they’ll kick in.”

“There is something else.” Sebastian’s voice dropped to a whisper.

Chris looked at him Sebastian couldn’t meet his eye but held out his hand, and in his palm was a small pill.

“What the fuck Seb?” Chris said taking Sebastian’s hand and wrapping his fingers into a fist to hide the pill. “What the fuck is that?” Chris shot a look round the changing room making sure there was no one watching on.

“It’s nothing strong, it just perks you up.” Sebastian kept his tone hushed.

“No,” Chris looked at him incredulously. “What is all this, when have you started popping fucking pills?”

Sebastian sat back and pulled his hand from Chris’s, “It’s not like that,” He defended. “Sometimes I have something when I go out or if I’m stressed.” Sebastian admitted quietly with a small shrug. “It’s no different than smoking weed.” He said looking at Chris coyly.

Chris raised his eyebrows and spluttered, “That’s not that same Seb, and you know it.” Chris knew Sebastian was trying to appeal to Chris’s soft side, unable to judge when they had got high together in the past. “You can’t go passing out fucking drugs, like it’s nothing.” He said motioning to Sebastian’s fisted hand.

Sebastian physically flinched at Chris’s words. “I was just trying to help.”

“Maybe hold on to your own drink better next time.” Chris said, he didn’t mean it to come out in such a clipped tone, but he was in no state to be worried about Sebastian’s hurt feelings. They had a full fight scene to learn today and Chris felt his head was like lead.

“I said I was sorry.” Sebastian bit back.

They both stared at each other for a moment too long, Chris knew he should let it go but there was an odd feeling that he couldn’t place, it was like finding out that Santa Claus wasn’t real; finding out something about someone you thought you knew well, only to find out a horrible secret and he wasn’t sure what to do with the information.

“Where are you getting this shit? Who gave it to you?” Chris felt he was looking for someone to blame that wasn’t Sebastian. “Is it Paul, did he get you in to this?” Chris blurted out.

“What?” Sebastian asked with slight shock.

Chris realised as soon as he said it, it was a mistake, but he couldn’t get his mouth and brain to work together. “Was is Paul that gave you this shit?”

“Are you fucking serious?” Sebastian asked.

“Yeah, why not?” Chris said hearing his own voice raise. “You guys are always together, inseparable. Every time I turn around you guys are whispering about something. Is that what it is about, when you are next getting high together?”

Chris knew he had lost it, maybe he could blame it on the aftereffects of the drugs but could tell by the look on Sebastian’s face he had let more than anger slip, the implication in his words stung.

Sebastian took a deep breath and controlled his words more carefully than Chris had. “No. Chris. Whatever you think, you are wrong.”

They sat looking at each other, breathing laboured, biting back words that they didn’t want to regret. They both knew this was not the place or time. Chris went to say something, but he was cut off by someone coming into the changing room.

Sebastian tore his eyes from Chris’s and felt it like ripping a plaster from raw wound. They had to work together for the rest of the day and couldn’t let this escalate and let it get in the way. Sebastian got up to leave but paused considering his next words but instead just walked away. Chris felt sick.

Back in his hotel room that evening Chris lay on the bed in the exact same position he had fallen on it when he came in the door. His body ached and his head was mush, it had been all day. With the effects of wherever drug he had had the night before coursing through his system wearing off with its obligatory flashbacks of the club and Chris felt like shit.

He also felt like a fucking idiot running his mouth; implying anything was going on between Sebastian and Paul. What made it worse, was by saying it, it had dismissed what had happened between himself and Sebastian as nothing more than a petty fling or fumble, and that Sebastian would do again with anyone else. Sebastian must have known it was jealousy, fear and a distinct taste of desperation talking, at least Chris hoped he did.

Chris cursed himself, the thought of Sebastian and their time in London made his dick twitch. What had happened between them seemed, surreal. As time had passed Chris had wondered if it had only been a lucid dream.

Chris wondered if Sebastian thought about the first time Chris had touched him and how he had kissed him after, he had been so unsure and nervous, the confidence he had had gone and he’d let Sebastian take over. His pulse quickened at the memory of holding on to Sebastian, his fingers digging into the soft skin of his arms as he worked his hand over Chris’s cock. Chris had held back, and it had taken some coaxing and the verbal teasing from Sebastian’s deep, rough voice in his ear to get him to lose control.

He had blushed and hid his face for a full ten minutes after he came, embarrassment and shamed at his own shyness. Sebastian hadn’t let him hide, he had pressed tentative kisses to his cheek and jaw and when Chris had caught him between his hands and kissed him back, he knew they would be ok, even if they never spoke about it or touched each other again.

They had though, more than once, it had been as fast and as frantic, Sebastian had started with the dirty talk and it was got Chris far more relaxed and pliable than the first time. There was less fumbling and far more direct request and response. Clothes had been shed and Sebastian had tasted nearly every muscle on his body, but Chris had always stopped him from going further, instead begging him to stroke him and fuck his mouth with his tongue until he came.

Sebastian had joked that there was some invisible line that he didn’t know about and if he crossed it, it would wake them out of their daze, and they wouldn’t be able to look each other in the face again. The irony was that one of the things that got Chris turned on the most was Sebastian telling him how he wanted to taste him, wanted to suck his cock.

Sebastian didn’t take Chris’s awkwardness as rejection, instead he had said with a wicked grin that he took it as a personal challenge, and unsurprisingly he had won it.

During a week of goodbyes as people from the cast of First Avenger were wrapping and heading home and leaving London. Chris had turned up at Sebastian’s door just past midnight a lopsided smile and usual caution falling at the wayside. Chris kept his hands to himself maybe more than he used to when they weren’t alone, there had been the occasional lingering touch subconsciously, but they never let it falter in front of anyone, but when Chris was drunk, he was more confident and unapologetically horny.

The air was forced out of Sebastian as Chris came through the door, his lips parted by Chris’s tongue, his chest pressed against his own and hands holding him there.

“Seb, Sebby,” Chris mumbled against his lips.

Sebastian didn’t make any attempt at replying, he pulled himself against Chris and combing his fingers through his hair and rutting his hips against Chris’s. Sebastian moved them towards the bed, but Chris had stopped pulling back, his hair on end and a look at Sebastian with what he knew must be childish pout.

“You never came tonight.” Chris whined and it made Sebastian smile.

“I told you I wasn’t going; tomorrow is my last day I don’t want to be hungover.” Sebastian reminded him.

“I hate everyone leaving.” Chris sighed.

“You are leaving in two days.” Sebastian laughed.

“I know but…” Chris dropped his gaze and pulled at the hem of Sebastian’s t-shirt.

Sebastian looped his hands round his waist and sucked Chris’s bottom lip between his own and gave it a gentle nip with his teeth. Chris shivered and groan, his hands were back on Sebastian instantly and edged them back on the bed.

Sebastian rolled his hips against Chris, pulling trying to get any friction he could from solid bulge in the front of Chris’s jeans. Chris pressed him down and pulled at Sebastian’s t-shirt until he slipped it over his head. Chris began grinding down and his breath hitching as he pressed wet kisses along his shoulder and up to his jaw. Sebastian’s hands tried to slow Chris’s hips, he was too worked up and was going to come right there if he didn’t stop.

“Chris,” Sebastian coaxed, pushing him gently off, till he landed beside him on the bed.

“What’s wrong?” Chris asked confused.

“Nothing,” Sebastian mused, “But you aren’t going to have as nearly as much fun with your pants on.” He said resting on his elbow and starting to work Chris’s belt buckle.

Sebastian smiled at Chris when he cupped his face, “I’m going to miss you.” Chris said his voice choking.

It made Sebastian pause, the smile on his lips faltered as he looked at him. Chris meant it, but he was also drunk. He was drunk and emotional because the shoot was coming to an end everyone was leaving. Sebastian regained his composure and pulled down the zipper on Chris’s jeans and smiled.

“Then why don’t you let me give you something to remember me by?” Sebastian said licking his lips.

Chris knew his restraint couldn’t last forever, so did Sebastian. Towering over Chris he pulled his jeans from under him and revealed Chris’s boxers strained against his hard cock. Sebastian ran a gentle hand over the soft material and watched a Chris squirmed and shivered. Sebastian bent forward and placed his lips to the material. Chris jolted and grabbed at Sebastian.

“Wait, wait.” Chris said.

Sebastian looked up for him, “What’s wrong?”

“Come here.” Chris said pulling at him.

Reluctantly Sebastian crawled over Chris and looked down at him. “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing I just want… you don’t…”

“Have to, suck your dick?” Sebastian said finishing his sentence for him.

Chris blushed fiercely. “Yes, you don’t have to.”

“What if, I want to?” Sebastian said lowering his lips and ghosting over Chris’s. “What if I want you to fuck my mouth?”

Chris moaned and swallowed thickly he couldn’t stop his dick from twitching. “I don’t…”

“Like blowjobs?” Sebastian asked.

Chris laughed his cheeks flaming, “No, I love blowjobs.” He wasn’t sure how to explain himself properly.

“I’m not expecting you to blow me Chris.” Sebastian tried to reassure.

Chris looked up at Sebastian, “It’s not that, I don’t have a problem doing that.”

“Then what?” Sebastian asked confused as hell as to why he wouldn’t just lie back and enjoy it.

“I’m scared I’ll want it all the time.” Chris said quietly. Sebastian gave him a confused look. “This, if we do more, I’m not sure I can stop myself wanting, more.”

Sebastian let out a breath and looked down at his hands holding him over Chris.

Chris took a breath and absently ran a finger down Sebastian’s chest. “A few kisses and hand jobs can be forgiven, no feelings attached, no expectations.” Chris could feel Sebastian’s eyes searching over his face, he couldn’t bring himself to look at him. “Blowjobs could easily lead to more, wanting more, feeling more.”

Chris knew he would never have said half of this if he hadn’t been drunk, his own fears were being laid out. He knew how easily he could become emotionally attached and how much he already was. He didn’t want to presume anything on Sebastian’s behalf. When he looked up at Sebastian, he wasn’t sure what he saw, his lips were pursed, and his eyes were piecing into Chris’s.

“I just don’t want to make you feel like we have to, if you don’t want to.” Chris said trying to smooth out his muddled explanation.

Sebastian’s eyes flicked down to Chris’s lips, “This isn’t going to lead to anything else Chris.”

There was just a flash of hurt or sadness for a second and it was gone, whatever response Chris had to Sebastian’s words he swallowed them back down, so he settled on a nod. “Okay.”

“This might be the last time we get to do this.” Sebastian said catching his eye again, there was a desire there and Chris felt it.

“You sure?” Chris asked.

“Yeah.” Sebastian said leaning down and licking into Chris’s mouth. Chris couldn’t stop his hips lifting off the bed and begging to be touched.

Chris knew he was holding back as Sebastian worked his tongue over his cock. He couldn’t talk dirty with Chris’s dick in his mouth, but he was still more vocal than Chris was. Chris’s hand was balled in a fist on the bed, scared to touch. Sebastian laced his fingers with his, leading it to his head and combed his fingers through his hair. Sebastian pulled off Chris and working him with his hand, Chris’s eyes were closed and his chest heaving up and down, his lips falling open with panting.

“Chris look at me,” Sebastian teased. Chris lift his head and opened his eyes, that look made Chris burn with want. “You like that?” Sebastian teased, Chris nodded, “Tell me, tell me what you like.” Sebastian hand kept moving on Chris and blew gently on the tip of his cock, making Chris moan. “Tell me.”

“Fuck it’s hot,” Chris croaked, “I like you, tasting me.” He tugged on Sebastian’s hair as he licked at him, teasing. “I want you to swallow it, I want to fuck your mouth.” The words were coming out through his gritted teeth and Sebastian groaned taking the head back between his lips. “Suck me, please Seb, please.”

It was the first time Chris had ever given him any dirty talk and Sebastian lapped it up. Swallowing Chris down as more stilted demands came out Chris followed by a few thrusts from his hips as he started to lose control. Sebastian held him down, his lips stretched round Chris’s length. His own cock rubbing against the bed making him groan and ache wanting to be touched. Chris’s breath hitched and he pulled at Sebastian’s hair the build up to his orgasm got closer. Chris gave a high-pitched wail as his voice strangled before flooding Sebastian’s throat with his release.

“Fuuuck.” Chris shuddered as Sebastian sucked and licked him as he softened.

Chris pulled at Sebastian, his hands running up his sides and over his ass, pressing Sebastian flat against him. His lips pressing wet kisses up his neck and jaw eager to get to his lips and when he did, he licked hungerly into his mouth, tasting a hint of himself. Chris’s hands cupped round Sebastian’s face and he kissed him slowly and with purpose. Chris pulled back just enough to catch a breath and Sebastian whimpered slightly.

“How can I not want more now?” Chris whispered.

\--

“Fuck.” Chris cursed as the he pumped his cock in his fist at the memory. A knock at the door startled him, pulling his hand quickly from the waistband of his sweats. He sat up on the bed flushed and listened unsure if he had heard correctly. When the knock came again, he dashed off the bed and quickly ran his hands under the bathroom tap and splashed at his face, he grabbed a towel and dried his hands trying act casual and not like he was tugging his dick a minute ago.

When he opened the door, he was surprised to see Sebastian’s sheepish face and holding an offering of what looked like take out soup.

“An apology.” Sebastian said with a small smile when Chris hadn’t responded.

Chris held the door open for him with a nod and let him in. He watched as Sebastian laid out the container and cutlery on the table and stood back burying his hands deep in his pockets.

“How you feeling?” Sebastian asked.

“Like I could sleep for a week.” Chris said as he pulled back a seat from the table. “You didn’t have to do this.” He said motioning to the soup.

“I wanted to.” Sebastian nodded.

“Join me?” Chris said sitting down. Sebastian tentatively sat down and watched as Chris tired the soup.

“I’m sorry Chris.”

Chris looked at Sebastian feeling his cheeks take on the heat of the look Sebastian was pouring on him.

“It’s ok.” He took another spoonful and felt himself cringe, “I think I owe you an apology too.”

Sebastian frowned and shook his head, “Nah I deserved it.”

“No,” Chris shook his head feeling shame he felt from today and the things she had said to Sebastian. “What I said about Paul… I didn’t mean to imply anything.” He looked at Sebastian, “I don’t think… it’s just none of my business.”

“Chris,” Sebastian butted in, stopping Chris before he dug himself a deeper hole. “There is _nothing_ going on.” He watched as the pinks on Chris’s cheeks got brighter. “Paul doesn’t know anything about what I was taking either. Okay?”

Chris nodded, not sure if his voice would be able to hold itself at that moment. He stirred his soup and took another spoonful. A silence fell between them and Sebastian huffed.

“There was me thinking you were going to apologise for getting handsy with me last night.” He couldn’t keep the smile from his face, his tone laced with humour.

Chris’s nose wrinkled up and he squeezed his eyes shut and groaned, “Yeah, last night I got a bit carried away.”

Sebastian laughed and rested his folded arms on the table in front of him. “Seemed like jealously, if you ask me.”

“Yeah, it may well have been.” Chris nodded his head risking a look at Sebastian and finding an open smile.

“What can I say, I’m not any less flattered then, any of the other times.” Sebastian winked.

Chris laughed out, the tension seeping from his shoulders. “Hey that wasn’t all one sided you know.”

Chris watched as the blush heated Sebastian face, “Oh god.” He screwed up his face in embarrassment. “That happened didn’t it?”

The laughter died between them in a pregnant pause. Chris caught Sebastian’s eye over a spoonful of soup.

“It was fun, I don’t regret it.” Chris said in earnest.

They were a couple of years older, a little wiser and Chris wasn’t going to feel ashamed of anything especially when it was between the two of them. Apparently, Sebastian felt the same because he didn’t shy from Chris’s stare and just spoke softly.

“It was fun, no regrets.”

Chris finished the soup and Sebastian picked the containers up to tidy them away.

“You don’t have to.” Chris said trying to take the stuff from Sebastian’s hands.

“No, let me, it will cleanse my soul for my wicked ways.” Sebastian joked dramatically, putting the stuff in a rubbish bag and tying it up.

“Hey Seb.” Chris put a hand on Sebastian’s shoulder to make him stop.

“What?”

“Please don’t take that shit,” When Sebastian frowned Chris gently clarified. “Wherever it was in the drink last night, don’t do it, you don’t need that.”

Sebastian took a small step back and dropped his head, Chris could see the unease in Sebastian’s stance. He tried to shake it off, but Chris felt he knew Sebastian well enough to know whatever came next wasn’t going to be true.

“Chris, it was a one off…” Sebastian didn’t meet Chris’s eyes.

Chris wanted to challenge him on that, but he wasn’t is mother and he didn’t want to be a dick. He’d said his piece. “Okay.” He squeezed Sebastian’s shoulder and let go.

“You better get some sleep.” Sebastian said clearing his throat and grabbing the bag of rubbish. “Gym in the morning?”

“Yeah,” Chris smiled brightly, “I’ll get you down there.”

“No sleeping in!” Sebastian teased.

Chris watched as Sebastian went to leave, “Seb?”

Sebastian turned and raised his eyebrows in question, his bottom lip between his teeth. Chris could feel his body being examined with those cool blue eyes as he approached him slowly. Chris moved into Sebastian’s space, a breath between them. Chris looked for a sign that he should stop or pull back that he should just wish him good night and turn away, but those his eyes were on his lips and the sweep of his tongue over his own lips set Chris’s pulse racing.

“I missed you.” Chris said his breath fanning Sebastian’s wet lip.

The gasp that came from Sebastian didn’t match the groan from Chris as he closed the space between them with fumbling of lips and hands on each other. Sebastian dropped the bag he was holding as Chris pressed him against the door frame. Their tongues clashing and fingers digging into firm muscle.

They pulled back panting and moaning, their bodies pressed together in heat. Chris felt dizzy trying to get a breath, but it stuck in his throat. Sebastian nudged his nose with his, pressing a closed kiss to Chris’s lips gently, Chris couldn’t stop the smile on his face spreading and what he could feel coming up from his chest he tried to swallow down but he knew he couldn’t stop the words.

“I want more.”

Sebastian looked blankly at him for a moment before a knowing smile spread at the memory. “I thought you didn’t want to get attached?”

“Too late.” Chris said flicking his tongue over Sebastian’s bottom lip.

“Fuck.” Sebastian groaned, knowing he couldn’t say no.

\--

New York 2019

Sebastian watched the concentration on Oliver’s face soften as the as he finished the last page of the script. He turned it over to the back page and stared at it, letting what he had read sink in. Sebastian was hunched over his elbows on his knees and nursing the last of his glass of vodka.

“This all happened?” Oliver asked not looking up from the page.

Sebastian nodded and whispered “Yeah.”

“This is all one sided though.” Oliver said turning the paper over, so he was back to page one. “These are his feelings.”

Sebastian swallowed thickly and sipped his drink. It was all of Chris’s feelings wrapped up and with a bow, but the facts were accurate non the less.

“I mean, this isn’t you.” Oliver said looking up at Sebastian for the first time. “This isn’t the Sebastian I know.”

Sebastian wasn’t so sure, and he couldn’t admit he had been any nicer than what was written down in those pages, but he knew for sure, his side, his feelings and the reasons he did some things were not represented. Sebastian did his best to bat it off with a joke. “Technically that’s not me in that story, see the names different.” He chuckled.

Oliver shook his head, his mouth open in confusion and anger. “Why are you defending this?” He threw the paper on the table. “Why aren’t you fucking angry about this?”

Sebastian looked at Oliver and could see the hurt there and it was for him, “I am anger, I’m hurt and I’m not defending it.” He drained his glass and ran a hand over his face, “What am I meant to do about it?”

“Stop him.” Oliver barked.

“How, he’s done it already, he’s made his point.” Sebastian said calmly.

“At humiliating you?”

Sebastian looked at Oliver a new sting in the wound with his words. “Is that what you think? I’m humiliated?”

Oliver gave grimace, regretting his choice of words. “That’s not what I meant.”

“I don’t find it humiliating finding someone and being happy together.” Sebastian said not dropping Oliver’s gaze. “I’m embarrassed at the shit I did though, the partying and being wasted, not asking for help or just accepting the support that was there for me.” Sebastian looked at his empty glass, just another reminder he needed that help still. “I’m not ashamed of falling in love, but I am ashamed of hurting him.”

Oliver watched as Sebastian fumbled with the glass in his hand and put it down on the table beside the script thrown there.

“You love him?” Oliver asked his voice gentle.

Sebastian shook his head, “I loved him, but that was…” he shrugged not sure when started or if it had ended.

Oliver got up from his seat and settled down beside Sebastian and pulled him close till his head rested against his chest. He could feel the tension subside as Sebastian’s arms looped round his waist. He pressed a kiss to the top of his head and mumbled into his hair. “You have to talk to him about this.”

Sebastian knew he did, he knew he’d have to, but right now he could hide away in Oliver’s arms, just a bit longer. 


	3. Three

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> While they have been close physically, Chris notices that Sebastian is distancing himself. Chris knows the cause but can't get Sebastian to admit the truth.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoy this chapter. The song that is in my head when writing this is at the end of the chapter of you want to give it a listen.
> 
> Thanks :)

Boston 2019

The night air was cool and crisp, and it stung at the hot skin slick with sweat. Chris’s brow was wet, his head spinning, and his chest was tight, restricted with every breath. He held on to the edge of the bed, planting his feet firmly on the floor, grounding himself. It took a moment to realise where he was and longer to realise that the ringing must just have been in his dream.

The nightmare didn’t happen as frequently as it used to, for long enough he had dreamt of himself racing to the front door to find a dishevelled Sebastian, babbling incoherently. Chris knew it was a dream, but is hadn’t come from nothing either. Chris tried to clear his mind; he didn’t need to relive it now he was awake. He went to the bathroom and splashed water on his face, he wasn’t sure if he could fall back asleep now his body was racing with energy.

Putting the beside light on he checked his phone, there was a missed call, the number withheld. The phone buzzed in his hand, there as a voicemail, Chris felt an unease as he dialled and waited for the preamble of the message service and then listened. There was nothing but a faint rustling, Chris pressed the phone harder to his ear, he could hear a faint breathy sigh. Chris sat up straight, he knew it was him, he knew.

His senses were ambushed by a series of emotions. It was Sebastian, he had his number, he’d called him, was he angry? Scared? He must have seen the story, was that why he was calling? Chris felt a flutter of excitement and then sinking dread, his internal voice praying Sebastian had said something in the message. His heart dropped as the message ended and the recorded voice took over. Chris pressed replay and lay down on the bed and closed his eyes listening to the wordless message till he fell asleep.

\--

Atlanta 2013

Chris could feel the eyes on him as he mapped out the fight sequence with the stunt guy, when he looked up in the direction of the stare, he caught Sebastian looking away. His face was red and the sweat from his workout made his shirt stick to his chest, Chris couldn’t stop his thoughts going to the gutter.

“Chris! Come on!” His trainer shouted for his attention.

He was distracted; he had been since Sebastian had got to Atlanta and the confession that he wanted more had led to some of the hottest encounters they had ever had. Chris felt he was passing time till he got time alone again with Sebastian. It was always hot and desperate like they had been starved of each other. Clothes discarded and slick skin pressed against each other, begging for releases, wet kisses and dirty promises of pleasure.

Chris could feel his heart beginning to slow down, when he opened his eyes, he tried to focus on the ceiling above him. He heard the soft chuckle to his side and looked over at Sebastian, propped up on his elbow beside him.

“You always look like you are seeing in colour for the first time after you come.” Sebastian said in a husky drawl.

Chris laughed, “I feel like I am.”

Chris rolled over to face Sebastian, he couldn’t stop his hand from running down the soft skin of Sebastian’s side and rested his hand on his hip. Sebastian smiled and gave Chris’s arm a quick squeeze before pulling away and getting up and disappearing into the bathroom.

Chris knew this was his sign to get up and get dressed, they had been doing this for weeks now, and it was always ended same. They had their quick, hot fumble and when they were finished Chris would reach out to hold on and bask in the afterglow, but Sebastian would pull away. It soured in the pit of Chris’s stomach every time. He knew what they were doing was just fun, there were no stings attached but there was something in the way Sebastian was quick to let the heat of their bodies faded that made Chris worry that they shouldn’t be doing it at all.

Chris pulled his slightly damp gym gear back on and sat on the edge of the bed waiting for Sebastian to reappear. When he did, he was just in a towel and Chris knew was caught gawking as his eyes travelled up to Sebastian’s body, over his chest and to the shy smile that was on Sebastian’s lips.

“You finished?” Sebastian asked of Chris’s gawking.

“Sorry,” Chris said looking away. “I wandered if you fancied hanging out later, maybe come by the house, watch film, pizza?”

Chris had rented a house for the second year in Atlanta, he had wanted his home comforts and was sick of being stuck in hotel rooms. He enjoyed getting people round and frequently asked Sebastian to join them, but he had only visited once.

“Oh, I’m meeting some friends that have come into town to see me.” Sebastian said looking everywhere but at Chris. “So maybe another time.”

“Right, right,” Chris said getting up feeling awkward. “Another time.”

“Yeah, sorry.” Sebastian said, his voice just a whisper.

“It’s fine.” Chris gave him the best smile he could to hide the disappointment.

As Chris stood under the shower, he cursed himself for being so stupid. He and Sebastian talked, granted not as much as they used to, talking had taken a back seat to lust at any given moment they were alone. He didn’t remember Sebastian mentioning about anyone coming to town to hang out but that’s because he had never asked. That might also explain why anytime Chris tried to get a little closer to Sebastian, he pushed him away. Their relationship outside the realms of professionalism had become physical and they seemed more like strangers. Chris suddenly missed Sebastian more then he realised.

He didn’t have long to see him though.

It was barely past eleven when Chris shut off the TV, he checked his phone; it was too late to start bugging anyone. He started shutting off lights and making his way to bed when he heard the buzzer for the front gate. The noise startled him, and he felt a small anxiety creep over him. Anyone coming would have messaged, he wasn’t sure if this was just some random at his gate. He clicked on the intercom and could see the faint outline of someone peering through the gate.

“Hello?” Chris said.

Chris saw Sebastian’s face come into view on the screen and him grab at the intercom. “Chris, I lost my phone, I…” his voice trialled off as he leaned away, still talking but motioning behind him.

“Hang on.” Chris said quickly releasing he gate button.

Chris opened the front door and turned on the floodlights, illuminating the driveway. Sebastian was making short distance from the gate. Chris could tell by the stumble and trip that Sebastian was wasted. It wasn’t until he was closer that Chris made the distinction that Sebastian wasn’t just drunk but high as well.

“Hey buddy, what are you doing here?” Chris said grabbing on to him, making sure he didn’t fall.

“You asked me.” Sebastian said with a lopsided smile.

Without warning Sebastian grabbed Chris by the back of the neck and smashed their lips together, his other arm locking round his shoulder. Even if Chris tried to pull away, he had nowhere to go and Chris couldn’t stop the familiar heat gripping him as he kissed back. It took him a moment, but Chris managed to pull Sebastian’s arms from round his neck to break the kiss to catch air.

“Seb, what are doing? Where are your friends?” Chris asked holding Sebastian still against his chest.

“They left,” He said biting his lip. “I came to see you.”

Chris looked out at the road, there was no car or anyone waiting on Sebastian. He found it strange and it made him nervous. “Come on let’s get inside.” He said helping him to the door.

Once inside Sebastian let his jacket hit the floor, stumbling down the hall. “I need a drink.” He murmured.

Chris picked up the jacket and guided him to the lounge and sat him on a couch, making sure he couldn’t fall or hurt himself from there. Chris came back with a glass of water and handed it to Sebastian.

“You got anything stronger?” Sebastian slurred.

“I think you’ve had plenty Seb.”

Chris couldn’t take his eyes off the way Sebastian seemed to be floating, his eyes not fixed to any point, a smile that was more a sneer on his lips and the knot in his brow permanent. It was a hard thing to look at. Chris had never seen Sebastian like this before. Whatever he had taken had changed his whole physical appearance and Chris hated it, he didn’t understand what would make Sebastian want to do that to himself.

“What happened to your phone?” Chris asked.

“I dunno.” Sebastian shrugged.

“Where did your friends go?”

Sebastian sighed, “Left town.”

Chris looked at the clock, “It’s only after eleven, did they only come to town for a few hours?”

Sebastian just looked at the glass of water and tipped it back avoiding Chris’s question. Chris sighed frustrated and annoyed. What friends let you get wasted then disappear or worst let someone wander off in this state.

“Just wanted to see you.” Sebastian said pulling him from his thoughts.

Chris lent forward and took the glass from Sebastian, “You need to sleep this off.”

“I’m fine.” Sebastian said grabbing Chris’s arm. “I came just to be with you.”

“How did you get here?” Chris asked ignoring the advance.

“What does it matter.” Sebastian said pulling Chris down to him.

Chris didn’t let Sebastian kiss him, instead he pulled Sebastian to his feet and tried to hold him steady, “I have the spare room.” Chris said.

“No,” Sebastian whined, “I want you.” Sebastian kissed at his jaw, “I want you to fuck me.”

Chris stilled as Sebastian continued to kiss along his jaw. Chris wasn’t even sure Sebastian had heard his own words because it wasn’t something they had done, never mind spoken about. For all their passion and lust, it had never gone that far, and Chris wasn’t sure it was even on the table, so to hear Sebastian just throw it out there made Chris take a firmer hand.

“Stop, Sebastian, stop.” He pushed him away maintaining his grip on his arms. “You’re too drunk for this.”

“No,” Sebastian said trying to get closer again. “I need you.”

Chris shook his head, “I can’t do this when you are so wasted, you don’t know what you are asking.”

Sebastian frowned and tired to pull himself from Chris’s grip suddenly stung by Chris’s rejection. He stumbled back but Chris didn’t let go.

“Come on, let’s get to bed.” Chris coaxed.

Sebastian let the pained look slip away and rested his head against Chris’s chest, giving in. Chris took them though to his bedroom and got Sebastian settled on the bed.

“I need to make up the spare room.” Chris said pulling out a t-shirt and shorts for Sebastian to change into.

“Can’t I just sleep here?” Sebastian asked. The bravado was gone, replaced with just a tiredness.

“Of course, I just don’t want you to think…”

“I can keep my hands to myself.” Sebastian slurred with a grin.

Chris laughed, “It’s not that I want you too.” He handed Sebastian the clothes.

“Just hold me?” Sebastian whispered.

Chris felt something tear inside at him, whatever this was between them, Sebastian never seemed to want to be close, not like that and to see him ask for something so simple like it was a burden broke Chris’s heart.

“Yeah, of course.” Chris said reassuringly.

Chris climbed into bed next to Sebastian, he felt more nervous than he had about anytime they had spent together. For so long he had wanted to hold Sebastian, but he never imagined it would have been like this. Sebastian rolled so his head rested on Chris shoulder, his hot breathing fanning his neck. Chris pulled him close and rested his head on top of Sebastian’s and tired not to giggle as Sebastian’s fingers danced over his chest and rested under his arm. Chris breathed deep at the weight of Sebastian’s arm over him. It felt right.

“Night.” Sebastian whispered and pressed a kiss to Chris’s chest.

“Night.” Chris smiled.

It took a long time for Chris to finally fall asleep, aware of every movement of Sebastian as he drifted off into soft snores. When Chris woke in the morning, he was alone, but he could hear talking coming from another room. When he sat up, he could see the clothes Sebastian had worn to be bed were neatly folded on the chair. Getting up Chris followed the voice through to the kitchen. Sebastian stood with his back to him looking out of the window, a cup of coffee raised to his mouth as he paused in his conversation.

“Okay, I’ll see you tonight. No problem. Bye.” Sebastian put the phone on the counter and sipped at his coffee.

“Found your phone?” Chris said making Sebastian jump slightly.

Chris was surprised when he saw Sebastian’s face, how bright eyed he was despite how out of it he had been the night before. It crossed his mind that it might be another pick me up of Sebastian’s, but he didn’t want to ask.

“Fuck, you gave me a fright.” Sebastian said leaning against the counter. “Yeah, inside pocket of my jacket.” He said shaking his head at his own stupidity.

“You are up early, dressed.” Chris said stating the facts, not sure how to take this chirpy Sebastian.

“Yeah, hope you don’t mind.” He said gesturing with his cup.

“No, it’s fine.” Chris took a step into the kitchen and lifted the coffee pot and poured himself one. “How you feeling this morning?” He asked raising his eyebrows.

Chris could see the blush come into Sebastian’s cheeks but the unwillingness hid from the conversation.

“I’m sorry about last night, turning up so drunk and…” He looked at Chris seeing there was no point in lying, “I’m sorry.”

“It’s ok, I guess I’m just glad you felt you could come here.” Chris said honestly.

Sebastian fidgeted and looked anywhere but at Chris, “About what I said, I…”

“You don’t have to say anything,” Chris cut in feeling the discomfort come off him. “If it’s what we both want then we should talk about it.” Chris said matter of fact.

It made Sebastian lock eyes with Chris, “You want to sleep together?”

Chris felt the heat then of Sebastian looking at him expectantly, “Seb, I’m crazy about you, I can’t get enough of you, of us. Of course, I want to sleep with you. I just want to do it right, not like last night, when we are both ready.”

Chris’s heart was pounding in his chest, he wasn’t sure if he was making a fool of himself and making a mistake, but he’d never know because this was the most, they had ever spoken about what they were doing or where it might lead. Chris just focused on the quick raise and fall of Sebastian’s chest a few feet away, unable to look him in the eye a moment longer.

Sebastian closed the gap between them and pressed himself flush against Chris, his hands ran up under the back of Chris’s t-shirt, his nose nudged Chris’s own till Chris tilted into his kiss. Chris let out low moan and let his hands run up Sebastian’s arms and down on to his hips. He felt Sebastian, thrust his hips gently against him. Chris let his hands slowly caress over his ass and grip, squeezing tentatively. Sebastian let out a gasp, pressing wet kisses along Chris’s jaw as the started grinding against each other. Chris could easily have lost control; it didn’t take much to lose himself in Sebastian’s touch and kisses, but it was the gentle shaking from Sebastian pressed in his arms that made Chris slow down. It wasn’t the time, or the place and they knew there had to be a discussion.

There was no discussion. As the weeks went on, they never spoke about it again. There were several times, in the heat of the moment, it was between them like a heavy weight, but Chris was sticking to his guns. They didn’t talk about it, it wasn’t happening. So, it didn’t.

What did happen though was Sebastian had asked Chris along to a few nights out with friends. It wasn’t that they didn’t socialise normally, but this was Sebastian letting Chris into his world a little more. There are been a couple nights out with the crew, but Sebastian had convinced Chris to leave early and come clubbing with him.

Chris was drunk. Very drunk.

When Chris was that drunk the philosopher in him came out and he talked and talked to anyone that would listen. Unfortunately, it was not to Sebastian, he had excused himself and Chris had settled for an equally drunk girl that was, as happy to listen, as Chris was to talk.

“You see, just because you care for someone, it doesn’t mean that you are good for them. We kid ourselves that because we love them, that we care for them and what you are doing, is for their own good; like lying to them.”

Chris looked at the girl, making sure she was following, “Keeping secrets and telling half-truths, it makes us all liars and we do it because we tell ourselves that we are protecting each other.”

Chris swigged his beer and choked on a laugh, “Like white lies, my sister sends me these cookies my niece made. They were horrible, worse fucking thing you’ve ever tried.” Chris held the girls shoulder ensuring she understood the seriousness of how bad they were. “But he says they are _delicious_. Do you know why he said that? Because he doesn’t want to hurt my feelings or my nieces.” A small smile comes to his lips, “So I accept the white lie because it’s endearing.” The girl smiles too.

“But what happens when you are both implicit in the big lies? The big things, like where they went, who they were with, what they were doing or most importantly why they are even lying to you in the first place?” Chris’s smile is gone as he drains his beer and throws back his chaser.

Chris knew he could break it down.

He looked round the bar area and down on to the dance floor, no Sebastian. Chris ordered more drinks and waited.

He knew where Sebastian went; to the parking lot of the club.

He knew who he was with; Marc, sleaze-ball Marc, slicked up hair and expensive suit, club hound, a “friend” of Sebastian’s, could promise you anything, had a face Chris wanted to punch.

He knew some of what was going on; Sebastian however long he was away came back lit up like a fucking Christmas tree. He had ignored it the first time it happened, not wanting to make a scene and he reminded himself that he couldn’t control Sebastian, he had said his piece. So, he let it slide, but the longer it went on, the harder Chris found it, to turn a blind eye.

The longer he waited though the more drunk he became and when Sebastian found him, he had an insatiable need to dance and thirst for more than just another drink. That was where Chris seemed to come in, Sebastian made a beeline for him and well Chris, he couldn’t control it, it was all he wanted was Sebastian pressed against him, the taste of his skin, the hold and arousal. Whatever affection Sebastian rained on him he was there like a thirsty mutt.

They were pressed into one club’s private booths, Chris worrying someone could walk in at any moment. It crossed his mind as Sebastian pulled at him, his lips on his neck and his hands working their way under the material of Chris’s clothes; he wondered if this was part of it for Sebastian, the risk of being caught. Chris knew it was more likely that all his fears were gone due to the drink or whatever drug he had coursing through him at that time. Chris tried to push the thought away as Sebastian’s tongue fought his for dominance in a heated kiss.

The hands that were on Sebastian’s hips pulling him closer, began to push him away. Sebastian fumbled holding on to Chris trying to deepen the kiss that Chris was trying to stop. He looked confused, his eyes were blown out, a mixture of lust and whatever shit Chris knew he had taken. When Chris placed a hand on Sebastian’s chest, he could feel his heart racing dangerously.

“What’s wrong?” Sebastian’s voiced husked out of him breathlessly.

Chris had a million questions, like why were they doing this here? Why was it him Sebastian came too? Why was he taking fucking pills to get high? Was this the only reason he wanted Chris? How was he paying sleezy Marc for drugs? Why was he risking it all? But Chris knew he couldn’t ask those questions, he knew Sebastian would only lie. So instead he asked something small for some truth.

“Where did you disappear to earlier?”

Sebastian frowned, “Went for a smoke, got chatting to someone.”

And there is was the lie that they both knew was a lie but decided to ignore.

You see Sebastian didn’t owe Chris an explanation, because it was a fling and that was fine, they hadn’t made promises and there was no pillow talk. Not that Chris didn’t want to talk, he wanted answers to the questions in his head, more than anything he wanted Sebastian to be sober and in the moment.

Sebastian leaned back in and ghosted his lips over Chris’s, it drove Chris mad.

“Did you miss me?” Sebastian asked.

“Yeah, I did.” Chris said a little too earnestly.

Sebastian smiled at him and let his fingers trail round the edge of his collar making Chris sigh into the kiss.

This was wrong, all wrong but god if Chris couldn’t stop breathing it in and riding his own high off Sebastian, rutting against him and murmuring about how much he wanted to taste his cock again, and how much he’d got off to the thought of it.

Chris didn’t let his conscience get in the way as Sebastian licked the wet tip of his cock and pumped his fist round it moaning as he swallowed it back as far as he could. Chris’s hand in his hair pulling and watching as the spit coated his cock as Sebastian pulled back to lick from the base to tip, teasing Chris, making a show of it. He sucked on the tip like it was a lollipop and grinned as Chris hissed and whimpered when he squeezed his balls.

“Fuck Seb.” Chris let his head crack back against the wall.

Sebastian let his lips slide down again and picked up speed, his mouth in time with his fist and the hum and gag as he took it too deep, it had Chris quivering and pent up ready to blow, one last tug of Sebastian’s hair and the touch at the back of his throat and he did, spilling without warning.

Fuck Chris was addicted to Sebastian’s mouth, he would have said as much but his lips were occupied by Sebastian’s own in a sloppy post release kiss. Sebastian rutted his crotch against Chris’s hip. Chris fought past the material to get to Sebastian’s skin, Sebastian was chasing his own release, biting on Chris’s lip and moaning. Chris had barely touched Sebastian before he felt the hot mess coat his hand. Sebastian’s fingers dug into the back of Chris’s neck and held him still till his orgasm had subsided.

When Sebastian pulled back Chris could see a sobering moment between them, something was different, something was changing and there was no cockiness or breezy joke that they would normally play it off with. Instead Chris saw a vulnerably in Sebastian that he was seeing more and more. Sebastian’s eyes dropped from his and he shivered. Chris’s automatic response was to pull Sebastian too him and pressed a kiss to his temple. It was affectionate and new. They were close physically, but there was something in that gesture that was intimate, far more then they normally were.

Sebastian reeled back from Chris like someone had interrupted them but if Chris was honest, he had just interrupted himself from the moment, both a bit scared and suddenly aware.

Chris lay in bed in the early hours of that morning wishing his mind would switch off and he could get some sleep. He kept seeing the haunted look in Sebastian’s face after they had been together. He kept thinking how much he wanted to kiss that away, how he wanted him in the bed next to him. It was not that Chris hadn’t offered, but every night had ended the same, they came together in a frenzy of passion and then went their separate ways, Chris wanted more.

\--

It had been nearly a week since they had been out, Chris had dropped Sebastian a quick message asking if he wanted to hang out, but he hadn’t heard anything back. He’d seen him briefly on the way to set one morning, but Sebastian had been talking to someone and Chris had been steered in the opposite direction. He had been sure Sebastian had seen him, but he had turned away before Chris could acknowledge him.

They didn’t live in each other’s pockets, they didn’t see each other every day, they didn’t even message daily but unless Chris was being paranoid, Sebastian was avoiding him, and it made him nervous.

“You are staring.” Anthony said into Chris’s ear.

Chris jumped and looked back at the plate in his hand. It had one scoop of pasta on it and the serving spoon in his other hand was still midway to his plate with half the food falling back into the tray. He took another quick scoop and moved on to the salad. His eyes shot a quick glance back to the back table where a Sebastian sat. His headphones plugged in, his face was in a book and black hair of Winter Solider was pulled back from his face.

“Looks like the goth kid in school, right?” Anthony said prodding at Chris’s back to keep moving.

Chris shook his head and smiled, “Shut up, he’s the nicest guy I’ve ever met.”

“Whoa, how can you say that when you know me?” Anthony said with a smirk.

Chris never said anything, just stood there looking lost in the room, his gaze anchored on Sebastian. He wanted to go sit with him, talk to him but everything he wanted to say was choked up in some emotion he wasn’t sure how to deal with. Had a kiss on the side of the head made Sebastian want to recoil away from him so much?

“Come on.” Anthony said matter of fact and with his own plate of food in hand started towards Sebastian. Chris followed quickly, not sure if Anthony had even met Sebastian and worried, he might say something uncomfortable.

Sebastian looked up as Anthony sat down across from him holding his hand out. “Anthony,” He said as way of introduction.

Sebastian took his hand with a shy smile, “Sebastian, nice to meet you.”

“The pleasure is all mine, I had to meet the nicest guy Chris has ever met.” He said motioning to Chris.

Chris rolled his eyes and cringed; he could see Sebastian blush. Chris went to take the seat next to Anthony, but he blocked it putting his arm over the back and looking blankly at him. Chris forced a smile and went around and sat next to Sebastian. This was ridiculous Chris thought, he suddenly felt like he was a teenage boy being forced to sit next to his crush. He had never felt awkward round Sebastian, never like this. Now though he felt like a bumbling idiot and Anthony had caught on to that somehow.

Chris wasn’t really listening as Anthony flicked through the playlist Sebastian had been listening to, reviewing it and making Sebastian defend his choices. Anthony as ever, making the person he had just met feel like he has always been a part of their life; no kid gloves, no warming up, respond well you might have a friend for life. Chris just chewed on his pasta and watched him out the corner of his eye, amused and relaxed. A couple of times Sebastian caught his eye and he gave a quick tight smile.

“I’m going to give you some tunes to add on here, this is awful.” Anthony said pulling out his own phone.

“It’s Mackie’s playlist or none.” Chris said with a roll of the eyes.

Sebastian laughed, “I’m game.”

Chris reached over and tapped the book Sebastian was holding in his hand, “What you reading?”

Sebastian closed the book and passed it to Chris to look at, he didn’t say anything just concentrated on Mackie’s ramblings. Chris felt a knot in his stomach, there is was again, avoidance. Chris gave the book a quick look and put it back on the table. He chewed on his lip and stared at Mackie, pretending to listen. Anthony caught his eye and acknowledged him with a sharp nod.

“Right I’m going to get a list made up for you Sebastian but right now I have to get back.” Anthony said standing up.

“Sure, I better get going too.” Sebastian said reaching for the book.

Chris put his hand out to stop him, his fingertips barely brushed the back of his hand and Sebastian pulled away as if he had been burnt, his eyes shot to Mackie who said nothing and just picked up his plate.

“See you man.” Anthony said turning away.

“Yeah later.” Chris said his voice low.

There was a long pause before Sebastian started gathering his things again. “I gotta go.” Sebastian mumbled.

“Hey, wait.” Chris said putting his hand on top the book this time, to stop another whiplash response from Sebastian. “What’s wrong?”

Sebastian looked at him innocently, “What do you mean?”

“I’ve not heard from you since the other night.” Chris said.

Sebastian fiddled with the headphones, “Nothing is wrong.” He gave him another thin-lipped smile.

Chris nodded, settling on the fact he knew he wasn’t going to get any better than that. “Okay, then what are you doing tonight?”

“Ahh…” Sebastian looked over Chris’s shoulder and shook his head when he would think of nothing. “I’m not doing anything.”

Chris put his hand down on the table beside Sebastian’s a breath apart, he could see Sebastian twitch like he wanted to pull away. There was that twist in Chris’s stomach again. “Seb, have I done something? Have I upset you? Not done something I should have?”

Sebastian shook his head shocked a little by the question, “No, course not.”

It wasn’t a lie; Chris was versed in Sebastian’s lies, so he could tell that much by his response. “Do you want to come over tonight?” Chris asked, his voice a little quieter.

Sebastian didn’t reply straight away; he watched his hand next to Chris’s and let his pinkie rub the side of Chris hand. Even at the slightest touch Chris felt the jolt of electricity travel through his body down into his groin, it burned, and he bit back the urge to gasp.

“You mean to talk?” Sebastian said not looking at Chris.

“Is that the new codeword or do you have something you need to get off your chest?” Chris said trying to lighten the mood.

Sebastian laughed and pulled his hand away, his cheeks blooming in colour as he finally looked at Chris. “Could watch a movie and maybe talk.”

Chris couldn’t keep the smile from his face, “We could, yeah.”

“Take out?”

“Deal.” Chris said.

\--

The following day Sebastian was late to set. Chris checked his phone for the millionth time. Chris wondered how many people had noticed. He knew there was murmuring between some of the crew, a few dashing back and forth. Chris went back to his trailer and picked up the phone to call Sebastian when he heard his assistant chapped on the door and poked his head in. “He’s in make-up. He doesn’t look good.”

“Thanks Joe.” Chris said feeling the anxiety he had harboured all night switch to anger as the relief of knowing he was at least alive settled in.

Chris had waited for Sebastian to turn up at his home the night before as planned. Early on Sebastian had messaged Chris to say he was going to be a bit later than planned but would see him soon. Chris had delayed ordering the food, after an hour of waiting he had messaged Sebastian to let him know he was just going to order. An hour after the food had arrived, Chris had rung Sebastian’s number, concern kicking up notch. It had been in the back of his mind that Sebastian might have changed his mind about the night altogether and was just uncomfortable at cancelling. Trying to keep a level head and not come across as annoyed Chris had messaged Sebastian one last time, he said he hoped he was ok, that he’s not upset about tonight, just that he was concerned as it wasn’t like him, just let him know he was ok.

Nothing.

Chris had not slept well, he wondered if he should go over and check he as ok at the hotel, but then he tried to keep his head straight and get some sleep. So, when Chris heard that Sebastian was in the makeup trailer, he did his best to casually make his way over and enquire as to what had happened.

Sebastian didn’t look good, in fact he looked awful and whatever interrogation Chris had in mind was gone, replaced by concern.

“Seb, Jesus are you ok?” Chris said kneeling on the floor beside the seat he was in.

Sebastian’s skin was pale and waxy, his eyelids were heavy covering the bloodshot whites of his eyes. Chris could see the shiver in his arms as he wrapped them round his stomach, clutching and groaning. Resting a hand on his arm he could feel the burn of fever in his skin. Sebastian never spoke just shook his head.

One of the sets medics was by his side checking his pulse and temperature. “Best get back to bed, we’ll get Sharon to go by the pharmacy and pick up something for flu.” He smiled at Sebastian, “You shouldn’t have got out of bed today.”

Chris was suddenly ushered from the trailer as the directors came in to see how he was. Chris waited outside keen to see him before he left. Mackie came up behind Chris startling him.

“What’s happening?”

“Fuck,” Chris said, “You can be so quiet sometimes.” Chris looked back at the trailer and waited for Sharon one of the set assistants to go into the trailer. “Sebastian’s not well, they are sending him back to the hotel.” Chris said, “Flu.” He added as explanation.

“Shit he could be out a few days.” Mackie said. “Maybe you could nurse him back to health.” He said with a knowing smile.

“Stop, it.” Chris said looking round him, making sure no one overheard him.

It did cross Chris’s mind that Sebastian would be back at the hotel but maybe he would be better somewhere a bit more homely, he could offer at the very least. When the trailer door finally opened the Joe Russo spoke to both Chris and Anthony, they were going to call it a day, give Sebastian a chance to get back on his feet, they wouldn’t have time to reschedule for another scene today so they could take the day and do as they pleased.

Chris edged his way passed the people milling about, checking on Sebastian, “Hey.”

Sebastian looked at him his eyes were half shut and his voice rough and low. “I’m sorry, I’ve fuck up everyone’s day.”

Chris shook his head, “You can’t help it if you aren’t well buddy.” He looked round and made sure no one was in earshot, “Listen, we are off the rest of the day, if you want, I can help you back to the hotel.”

Sebastian paused looking at the him. Chris could feel the burn in his skin as Sebastian looked him over in some mistrusting way. “It’s ok, I’ll get the car to drop me off.”

“Are you sure?”

Chris never got an answer, Sebastian’s face drained of colour and he bolted to the toilet door. Chris followed, unsure at first what to do, hovering over him as he threw up, heaving and retching. Grabbing some paper, he handed it to Sebastian and rubbed his back, flushing when he was finished. Sebastian sat back against the wall while Chris fetched him a bottle of water.

“Come on, I’m taking you back to the hotel.” Chris said matter of fact.

There was no fight from Sebastian, he let Chris take charge. He found himself in the back seat of a car, a bowl in front of him for emergencies and Chris’s voice drifting over his head as the car took them past a pharmacy and then back to the hotel.

Chris held onto Sebastian, his arm round his waist, guiding him as he went. In the elevator he felt Sebastian rest all his weight against him as he struggled to keep his eyes open. Chris just held on tighter and got him to the room door.

“You got your key?” Chris asked.

Sebastian pulled the key card from his pocket but stopped before tapping the lock. “I’m ok from here Chris.”

Chris felt an odd twist in his stomach, “Sure, ok.” He handed Sebastian the bag from the pharmacy. “You just going to get some sleep? You don’t want any food?”

Sebastian didn’t look at Chris, he just shook his head and stepped back from his hold, “I’ll be ok, thanks.”

Chris let go and nodded, “You got my number, if you need anything…”

Sebastian nodded and swayed and nearly landed like a sack of coal on the ground, but Chris was fast grabbing him and hauling him back to standing. “Okay give me the key.” He said plucking it from Sebastian’s hand. Sebastian didn’t object, aware he wasn’t going to make it without some help.

The curtains in the suite were still drawn from the night before making the room dull, only a sliver of day light stretching across the room. Chris flicked the wall light switch bring much needed light. Chris took a quick look over the room but kept moving towards the bed. Gently Chris helped lower Sebastian until he was sitting. He took the paper bag from Sebastian’s hand and looked to put it on the bedside table but there was a mess of glasses, an ashtray and some rubbish. Chris put it down beside Sebastian on the bed and helped him out of his jacket.

Chris watched as Sebastian moved in slow motion trying to remove his clothes. Chris knelt down at his feet and untied his shoes and pulled them off. He helped Sebastian stand and let him hold on while he shuffled out of his jeans. Once he was left in his t-shirt and boxers, Chris let him go and tried to fix the rumpled sheets and scattered pillows so Sebastian could lay down. Absently he picked up a shirt and t-shirt abandoned previously by the side of the bed.

“I’ll get you some water.” Chris said taking the empty glasses that were by the bed.

Sebastian just rolled over silently and pulled at the covers, his eyes already closed and abandoned any of care that Chris is still in the room.

Chris turned off the overhead light and turned on a small lamp instead, he fixed the curtain, so the day light was blocked out. He continued to pick up a few glasses as he walked round the room. Chris could see by the mess that nothing had been cleaned in a couple of days, there were plates of unfinished food and rubbish scattering the surfaces. Chris was sure it wasn’t just the work of Sebastian that maybe there had been a people over. He knew Sebastian well enough that he was far more meticulous than this.

As Chris poured the half empty glasses of liquid down the sink his sympathy for the sleeping Sebastian began to wear. He ran the tap to let mix of alcohol flush away. Chris knew from experience how Sebastian was feeling, and it was nothing to do with flu. Chris didn’t stop, he wasn’t sure if he was clean up after Sebastian for his sake, or in case someone else was to see the mess and there would be a lot of questions.

Chris found a tray and began stacking the dirty dishes for room service to collect. Picking up the ashtrays he emptied the signs on what had been smoked the night before. Picking up the rubbish and scraps of paper he put them into the rubbish bin. It wasn’t until he had picked up the last few plates and a small bag landed at his feet that Chris realised what he had been looking for.

He sat down on the couch with the bag in his hand, looking at the three pink pills. Chris wasn’t sure if the burning in his chest was anger at Sebastian for taking them or the person that was supplying them, Marc.

Chris cursed and looked at the bed where Sebastian was sleeping. This was why he hadn’t come over the night before because he was wasted and judging by the state of the room, Marc and maybe a couple more had joined him. Chris felt sick, he wanted to shake Sebastian until he woke up and get some answers, make him explain what the fuck he was doing. How had this started and more to the point, how had he got to this stage. Chris had said nothing over the weeks and months he had see Sebastian get wasted, even when he had turned up at his, he had said nothing, it was Sebastian’s business.

Today had changed that though.

Today the whole shoot had been derailed because Sebastian hard partied the night before. This affected far too many people, this affected him.

Chris knew that he hadn’t been doing this stuff a couple of years ago, so what had happened?

Chris wanted answers, he wanted to know how to stop this before it spiralled any further. Shoving the small packet into his pocket he sat back and counted till he felt his heartrate slow down and he could control his anger.

When he next opened his eyes, Chris wasn’t sure where he was, it was still dark except for a small desk lamp across the room he tried to let his eyes adjust. He had no concept of time; the curtains were still drawn and the room seemingly quiet. He could feel the stress in his neck from the way he fallen asleep sat up on the couch. He rubbed at his neck but froze when he heard the running of water from the next room, he could see the bed where Sebastian had been sleeping was empty.

Chris felt an uneasy feeling in his stomach at the thought of confronting Sebastian with what he had found. The door opened and Chris sat up, he saw Sebastian shuffle out the bathroom towards the bed. He took no notice of Chris, instead sitting on the bed his back to him. Chris wondered if Sebastian even remembered he was there.

Sebastian picked up the glass on the bedside table and drained the water. He looked round him, pulling the covers back and patting the bed. He got up and went to the chair where Chris had folded his clothes. He began searching his pockets and pulled out his phone, he gave it a quick look and then flung it, where it landed on the bed. Sebastian sighed emptying his jacket pockets and the then his jeans. Chris watched as Sebastian got frustrated, probably looking for was in Chris’s pocket.

“Lost something?” Chris’s voice broke the silence, rough and low.

Sebastian gave a shout and spun round, he banged at the wall light switch. The room slowly came into focus for him, seeing Chris sitting in the corner.

“Jesus Christ! What are you doing!” Sebastian breathed out in fright.

Chris sat forward on the chair, “Making sure you are alright.”

Even from where he was sitting, he could see the sheen of sweat on Sebastian’s brow, the dark circles under his eyes against his pale skin and the subtle shake of his hands. The t-shirt he had worn to bed was damp round the collar.

“You feeling any better? You don’t look it.” Chris asked his voice nice and soothing.

“No,” Sebastian said running a hand through his damp hair. “No, I still feel a bit shaky.”

Chris got up and stood at the end of the bed. “There’s the stuff from the pharmacy in the bag, it might help.”

“Sure, I’ll check it out.” Sebastian said looking over at the bag. “You know you didn’t have to stay.”

“I know, but I was worried.” Chris said with a pained smile.

Sebastian nodded and turned from Chris opening a drawer and pulling out some sweats to put on.

“I err… I’m sorry about last night and for worrying you.” Sebastian said not turning to look at Chris.

“It’s ok, you weren’t well.” Chris said watching Sebastian look round the room. He knew he was scouting round for the bag of pills.

“Did you clean up in here?” Sebastian asked, finally turning to Chris when he’d crossed the room.

Chris put his hands on his hips and looked round, “Yeah, it was like there had been a party or something.” Chris gave a smile. He could see Sebastian was caught in a potential lie.

“You didn’t have to do that.” Sebastian said flatly.

They just stared at each other, Chris willing Sebastian to just be honest with him, to not make any shit up. When Chris couldn’t take the uncomfortable silence anymore, he bit the bullet.

“So how is Marc?”

Sebastian looked away, his jaw tightening.

“Who else was up? Or was it a private party?” Chris pressed.

“Chris,” Sebastian said his voice quiet.

Chris couldn’t be quiet though, the pent-up frustration of the situation burning in his throat. “Come on Seb, I didn’t get an invite, so you’ll have to fill me in.”

Sebastian let out a breath and steadied himself against the chair. “I know you’re upset about last night, but I was sick.”

“Bullshit.” Chris said flatly. “You were fucking wasted Sebastian; you still are, look at you.”

“I’m not…” Sebastian bit out.

“Don’t!” Chris said taking a step forward. “Just don’t lie. Do you think I’m fucking stupid? Do you think I’m blind?” He threw his arms out to the room. “You might be able to pass this off as flu to some people, but I’ve seen you fucked up plenty of times and I know from experience how this, feels.” He said pointedly to Sebastian.

Sebastian shook his head, “I thought we were past that, it was a mix up. I said I was sorry.”

“That, is not what this, is about.” Chris took a deep breath and tried to put the focus back on Sebastian. “You are doing this every weekend, if not more. You are fucking yourself over and I don’t know why.”

“It’s not every weekend.” Sebastian defended weakly.

“Why are you doing it?” Chris asked.

“I… I don’t…” Sebastian looked round the room for something to help him explain but Chris could see the well of emotion crack and the tiredness fade and an anger fuelling him instead. “I don’t need to explain myself to you.” He threw back.

Chris’s own anger surfaced. “No? Well what about everyone today on set, you going to explain yourself to them? To the studio?” Chris saw it hit home.

“I’ve got flu.” Sebastian said shakily.

Chris shook his head, “You know, I thought I knew who you were Seb.” Chris swallowed down the lump in his throat, “We used to talk, all the time.” Chris could see Sebastian’s eyes glisten like his own. “Now, now I only see you when you are drunk or on some shit and you want something from me.” Chris could taste the bitterness in his voice, “Is that all this is to you? Were you needing to get high just to come see me last night?” Chris shock his head and gave a bitter laugh, “Or did Marc come up with a better offer?”

Sebastian wiped away the tears from his cheeks angrily, “What is it? You jealous? You think I’m fucking Marc instead of you?”

Chris felt the heavy weight in his body, the tiredness and the hurt settled in his chest, “No, I know there is only one thing you want from Marc.”

Chris took the small bag of pills from his pocket and threw them on the table and watched as Sebastian tried to look him in the face and not at the drugs. It was too late though Chris had seen how Sebastian flinched, trying to maintain some coolness as the desperation for his next hit, landed on the table.

“Chris,” Sebastian said through muffled tears.

Chris took a step back as Sebastian went to approach him. “Sort your shit out Sebastian. Don’t risk it all for that.”

Sebastian looked down shaking, Chris couldn’t take the sight of his like that anymore, he backed away and left without looking back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mumford and Son's - Tompkins Square Park 
> 
> Thanks again for reading and any kudo and feedback.


	4. Four

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sebastian doesn't want to lose his friendship with Chris and opens up. They still cant deny they want each other and take it a step further.

New York 2019

“We spoke after he left, briefly, we had to, we still had to work together.”

“Did you take any more of the pills?”

Sebastian looked at the hands of the therapist before him, she wasn’t his normal therapist, Dr Shah was on holiday and Oliver; who was waiting diligently in the waiting room outside, had said it didn’t matter, that he couldn’t wait another two weeks to speak to his usual therapist, not when the habits he had spent so long trying to break were creeping back into his daily life.

One of those habits was insomnia, for which he self-medicated with vodka, his dose; enough until he passed out.

Oliver wasn’t a stranger to Sebastian’s habits, nothing of what he had read had been a surprise to him. He had seen Sebastian through some rough nights, and it hadn’t scared him away, if anything it had made him closer, safer and needed. He knew Sebastian had taken drugs in the past; but Sebastian had assured him that it hadn’t been anything close to an addiction, but anyone just had to be in Sebastian’s presence for five minutes to know that wasn’t true of his personality.

The first night they had met it had been a blur of attraction and a lustful fumble. Sebastian had been drunk but not anywhere to the point he couldn’t remember himself. What had shocked him was when he woke up in the morning, Oliver was still there in his bed, smiling at him and it happened all over again but slower and in the cold and sober light of day. Suddenly Sebastian wasn’t alone, and he had someone to hold, so he didn’t let go.

The irony of course was that was all Chris had wanted from him. He knew that back then, but he had acted on it too late.

“The pills.” The therapist prompted.

Sebastian looked up at her. “I didn’t take them.” He shifted in his chair, when she nodded at him to continue. “I didn’t take them… until the I had wrapped on the film and went home a couple of weeks later.” He let out a sigh and let another little piece of himself go.

That was what therapy was to him, letting the little details go, stopping them from clogging up his thoughts, his focus, and his conscience. 

“So how was that first interaction after he walked out?”

“He was nice, so fucking nice to me.” Sebastian scratched his thumb nail over the palm of his hand. “He just came up to me and asked me how I was feeling, like everyone else did.” He screwed up his face thinking of the memory. “Just, _How are you? Feeling better?_ It confused the fuck out of me, I was expecting the cold shoulder or harsh words, but he was just, nice.” Sebastian huffed a laugh, “It made me feel worse, I guess that might have been what he was trying to do but…” Sebastian knew him better than that. “He was just being himself, being caring, he cared.”

“What did you say back?”

Sebastian looked to the ceiling and tired to blink away the tears he could feel forming. “I said I was fine.” Sebastian swallowed thickly, “I didn’t say thank you for looking after me. I didn’t even say sorry. I’d hurt him and I didn’t even have the nerve to apologise.”

“Do you think he needed to hear you say you were sorry?”

Sebastian shrugged, “I don’t know.”

“_Were_ you sorry for what you had said or done?” The tone was not accusing, but soothing and patient.

Sebastian looked at the therapist, “Of course I was, I’d hurt him… us, I’d hurt us and I’d keep doing it.”

\--

LA Late 2013

Sebastian started a message then deleted it. He started again but cringed at it and put the phone down. He lifted his pen and held it to the notebook in front of him. It listed his thoughts and a short list of anxieties that he was willing to put down on the page and hopefully work on overcoming. His main anxiety right now was being in LA and being on his own.

It’s not that being alone was something that would normally make him anxious but being alone and on a come down was something else. Over the past month he been kept busy working and had even managed a holiday but when he was asked to go to LA for an audition his first thought was to let people know he’d be in town; they could catch up, go out. High on that list had been Chris, or it would have been, but he hadn’t spoken to him since the shoot had wrapped and they had gone their separate but amicable ways.

That was the start of his depression, realising that if he didn’t fix what was wrong, he and Chris would never be the same again and he’d be losing him as a friend. That led to Sebastian having to take his head out of the hole he had buried it in and admit to himself what the fuck he’d done and why. This wasn’t just about taking some pills to get out of his head space, it was about lying and hiding it from someone that cared and how he’d ruin whatever they had.

He felt like shit. A little bump right now would make him feel better. Or just being a fucking man and talking to Chris, the one person he owed an explanation too might help.

He picked up the phone and abandoned any effort to message, hitting the call button instead.

Chris had answered second ring; Sebastian wasn’t sure why that was a shock, just the bright hello of Chris’s voice and made Sebastian stammer. He’d managed to fumble that he was in LA and while he wasn’t sure where Chris was, Boston, LA, anywhere in the world, if he were in town, did he want to meet up? Before Sebastian could ramble on anymore, Chris had said he was on his way home but wasn’t far, and he’d pick him up and they could hang out.

Sebastian stood just outside the café he’d been hiding in; he couldn’t control the rhythm of his heart as it tried to stampede out of his chest. It didn’t ease any as the car rolled up in front of him. Chris beeped the horn and waved out at him. Sebastian gave a small wave back and opened the car door sliding into the seat, he clutched a rucksack to his chest and an iced coffee in the other.

“This is for you.” Sebastian said handing it awkwardly to Chris. He felt like an idiot, but Chris just smiled brightly and took it.

“Thanks man.” Chris said immediately taking a large slurp.

A smile tugged at Sebastian’s lips, just being in the immediate presence of Chris made him feel warm. “No problem.”

“I gotta, head home and shower,” Chris said securing the drink in the cup holder. “I should have said I was just leaving the gym when you called. I didn’t see the point of driving past you and leave you waiting.”

Sebastian shrugged, “It’s fine.”

“You want to wait or just come and wait at the house.”

“The house is good.” Sebastian hoped he didn’t sound too eager.

Chris smiled, “Then let’s go.” He pulled out and joined the traffic. “So, what you in town for?”

“Audition, I had done a tape and they asked me to come in.” Sebastian said.

“What’s it for?” Chris asked taking a side glace at him. “Film, Tv?”

“Film.” Sebastian’s heart was still racing, and he couldn’t in his frame of mind talk about himself. Instead he changed the focus to Chris. “I thought you had a gym in the house?”

“Ah ha!” Chris laughed, “I also have a house full of distractions and procrastination streak that could rival anyone.” He looked at Sebastian and smiled, “Plus it’s good to have someone there, to push you, work you a little harder.”

Sebastian smiled in return, “Right.”

When they pulled up at Chris’s it dawned on Sebastian that he had never seen Chris’s home before. The only house he had seen had been the rental in Atlanta. He had never thought what it would be like being in Chris’s real home and if it would be just like him.

Sebastian followed Chris inside, still sipping his iced coffee, he threw the keys a table by the door and kicked his shoes off.

“Should I?” Sebastian motioned to his shoes.

“Nah man, you don’t need to, but if it makes you feel at home, go ahead.” Chris said pulling at the hoodie he was wearing.

Sebastian kept his shoes on and tried to ignore the heat coming from Chris and the sweet scent of sweat that must have been from his gym work out. Sebastian felt suffocated even in the open space, he knew his cheeks were burning red, but he couldn’t hide it.

“Come on through,” Chris said leading Sebastian into the open living space. “Make yourself at home, kitchen just through there.” He turned and looked at Sebastian, a slight shade of concern crossed his face. “You ok?”

Sebastian nodded dropping is bag on the chair next to him. “Yeah, I’m good.”

There was an unspoken acknowledgement that this was more then just a friendly visit that there were unresolved issues that needed to be aired. This was the first time they had been alone in each other’s company since Atlanta and as relaxed as this welcome was, they both knew they weren’t ready to crack the shell on those discussions.

“I’m going to grab a shower.” Chris said.

Sebastian could feel Chris eyes on his face and travel down to see the nervous way he was clasping his hands. Sebastian quickly pushed them into his jean pockets and turned to the to the TV. “I’ll stick something on.”

“Sure.” Chris said turning on his heel.

Sebastian couldn’t stop himself from looking back as Chris disappeared down the hall. His heart rate hadn’t slowed and if it didn’t, he was sure he was going to pass out. Taking a deep breath, he found the controller and sat down. He flicked through a couple of channels and then hit on the recorded shows to see what Chris had saved. It felt odd a bit like prying, but it gave him a little insight into what Chris would watch alone in his home. As he scrolled through the list, he couldn’t stop the surprise at some of the choices and it made him relax and laugh little.

Sebastian had settled on Back to the Future movie and slouched down on the couch. It wasn’t long before he heard Chris come down the hall, pausing at the door. Sebastian feeling much more relaxed looked lazily over the back of the couch at Chris, who seemed to have taken on some of the energy Sebastian had shed.

“You have an interesting collection of TV and films saved.” Sebastian smirked, getting a rise of the eyebrows from Chris.

“The Disney films? Because that is no secret.” Chris asked walking in and standing by the couch.

Sebastian looked up amused, “Gossip Girl?”

Chris shook his head and blushed, “That must have been my sister, she err… she was over.”

Sebastian paused the film and went back the recorded list “Look, you are halfway through the boxset.” Sebastian continued and wiggled his eyebrows.

Chris sat down in seat next to Sebastian and huffed, “Whatever.”

Sebastian laughed and looked at Chris’s profile, “I was a guest star in it… but you won’t know that, having not watched it.” He couldn’t keep the grin off his face even when Chris gave him a bored look.

“Fuck off,” Chris cracked laughing and reached over and pulled the remote from Sebastian unpausing the film and slouched down to mimic Sebastian’s relaxed pose.

“If you could time travel where would you go?” Sebastian asked after a long time.

“Hmm,” Chris never took his eyes off the screen. “Does it have to be in my lifetime?”

Sebastian scrunched his face in thought. “Yes.”

“What kind of time machine is that? I can only go back in my lifetime?” Chris complained.

“I didn’t build or program it, that’s just the rules.”

Chris huffed, “Can I go forward in time?”

“You want to see your future?” Sebastian turned and looked at Chris.

Chris pursed his lips in thought, “No. I don’t want to spoil it.”

Sebastian just smiled, “So, you would go back in time.”

“Yeah,” Chris nodded looking at Sebastian.

“And do what?”

Chris squinted his eyes and curled his lip, “I’d not ask Kelly to the prom.”

Sebastian laughed out, “Why?”

“She ditched me on the night, and I got really drunk.”

“That sounds like a good shout then.” Sebastian mused.

Chris turned leaning his head and shoulder into the couch, ignoring the film. “What about you?”

Sebastian looked back at the screen, doing the best impression of contemplating the question while trying to do think of the fresh scent of Chris after his shower. “I wouldn’t used it.”

“What? Why not?” Chris asked incredulously.

Sebastian shrugged, “There are loads of things I could change, but any of those things would change who I am now.” He chanced a look at Chris who was fixated on him, “We always assume that we would change things for the better but what if it made them worse?”

“Are things bad now?” Chris asked changing the tone.

Sebastian looked away and took a deep breath, “They’ve been better.” Sebastian started scratching his thumb nail over the palm of his hand.

Chris watched as he scored red lines on his hand, he fought the urge to reach out and grab it to stop him. “What would make it worse?”

“I… uh… I’d lose a friend.” Sebastian croaked out.

“Hey,” Chris touched Sebastian’s arm gently, stopping the assault on his hand. “You aren’t going to lose any friends.” Chris said ducking his head to see Sebastian’s face.

Sebastian couldn’t meet Chris’s eyes, he just sighed, “Chris, about Atlanta.”

“It’s ok Seb, just forget it.” Chris said cutting him off.

Sebastian looked up at him then, he knew Chris wasn’t looking for an explanation, maybe scared of what it might be, but Sebastian had to, he couldn’t live with that pushed down inside.

“I can’t forget it, if I don’t learn from it, I’ll make the same mistakes again.” Sebastian reasoned.

Chris nodded, “I’m always here to listen Sebastian, I just don’t want you to think you owe me anything, especially if you aren’t ready to deal with it.”

“I know, thanks.” Sebastian said with a small smile.

“Is it too early for beers?” Chris asked breaking the tension.

Sebastian flipped a burger using the tongs, giving on up the other tools Chris had presented, he insisted that the tongs were fine, but Chris was like a kid a Christmas unwrapping new things. The heat from the barbeque was pleasant, he’d never barbequed in winter before. The heat from the beer would have kept him warm but Chris had decided it was the only option before the sun went down to lighten the mood and maybe ease the tension.

Chris came up beside him with plates and buns, “Nice job you are doing there, chef.”

“I don’t know anyone else that would let me be in charge of this,” Sebastian said crowning a bun with a burger. “We are either going to die from smoke fumes or food poising.”

“Nah!” Chris said dowsing the burger in sauce, “We are made of stronger stuff, we’ll survive.”

They sat out on the patio and ate their burgers and washed them down with beer, they had let the conversation flow easily like old times. It felt good, it felt normal and it made Sebastian feel calm for the first time in weeks.

“I’ve missed this.” Sebastian said when they were in a quiet moment just staring out at the view.

Chris was beside Sebastian on the chairs he smiled to himself, “Me too.”

Sebastian picked at the label on his bottle, “You’ve always made me feel safe.”

Chris looked at Sebastian’s profile. He opened his mouth to say something be closed it again and let Sebastian continue.

“I always feel a bit lost and you seem to anchor me down. You are always there, dependable.” Sebastian sighed. “That’s what home always was, no matter where I went my family was home.”

Sebastian looked at Chris felt his walls crumble down, “My stepdad went into hospital few months back, everything about home changed.”

Chris shifted pushing himself up. “Seb, I’m sorry.”

“It’s not an excuse for my behaviour.” Sebastian was quick to point out. “I just didn’t deal with it in the best way. I isolated myself from everyone.” He looked back at the view trying to arrange his thoughts. “I got a lost the role and the job, thinking about not knowing who you are, dealing with losing everything you were but people just expecting to be the same as you have always been. Everything about it reminded me of him. It was all just too close to home.”

Chris swallowed thickly, he knew about Sebastian’s father, but he hadn’t asked, he hadn’t thought to ask and make sure he was ok. Chris ached; he might not have been able to help but Sebastian might have opened up before now.

“Why didn’t you talk to me Seb?” Chris asked his voice just a whisper.

Sebastian chanced a look at Chris, “I just wanted to forget, I didn’t want to talk.”

Chris nodded he understood that. “Drinking or taking drugs to forget though Seb, it doesn’t make it go away.”

“I know, but neither does talking about it.” Sebastian said honestly, “I just didn’t know what else to do. The drugs came with no pressure.”

Chris dropped his head and gave a sigh, “I’m sorry if you thought I was pressuring you.”

Sebastian placed a hand on Chris’s arm, “No, that’s not… you didn’t pressure me Chris. I mean the pressure of talking about what was going on, dealing with what was going on at home and filming.”

Sebastian sat up in his chair and placed his beer down on the table, he rubbed his thumb over the scored part of his palm. “Getting high, the initial buzz, the lightness I feel, I couldn’t beat it.” He closed his eyes and shook his head, “The more I did it the bigger the come down.”

Chris bit at his thumb listening and desperate to reach out and hold Sebastian but he could see it, the weigh he’d been carrying was coming off of him in floods and he didn’t want to stop him, he knew he need to let him get this out.

“I started coming out of the high like someone had thrown a bucket of water over me.” Sebastian ran his fingers through his hair. “It’s like being woken up suddenly and not knowing where you are, just hyper aware of everyone round you, all moving a slow motion.” Sebastian looked as Chris, “It was like a panic attack.” Chris nodded. “It was like someone had flipped a switch and the drug suddenly stopped working and I got scared.”

Chris knew the feeling he had experienced it, the panic taking over you, your vision intensifying, your hearing muffled by the flow of blood in your ears. He’d never gone from a euphoric high like Sebastian had been on, but the quick drop itself was scary enough.

“That night I showed up your house.” Sebastian looked away ashamed. “Was the first time it really hit me, and I was scared.” The tears rolled down his face, “I just bolted from the club and left everyone behind, I just wanted to feel safe.”

Chris reached over and grabbed squeezing Sebastian’s arm, “Seb.”

Sebastian shook his head and pulled from his grip, “It didn’t stop me doing it.” He said, very matter of fact. “I used you instead.” His voice was almost cold.

“No.” Chris said shaking his head. “That’s not true.”

“Isn’t it?” Sebastian shot him a surprised look. “I just got you to come with me, so I didn’t have as far to run.”

Chris took a deep breath and thought of those nights in the clubs and how Sebastian sought him out when he was high. But Chris knew about it, Chris didn’t put his foot down, he didn’t put a stop to it in fact he had got his own high from being with Sebastian.

“If that’s the case then I think we both used each other.” Chris stated. “I knew you were wasted and as drunk as I was anytime, I never stopped it.”

Sebastian never agreed or disagreed, instead just looked at his sore hand and picked up his bottle and took a swig.

“If I’d known the reason why you were getting drunk then, yeah, I should have stopped it.” Chris said matter of fact. “But it didn’t start that way Seb.” Chris reached out and pushed at Sebastian’s shoulder until he looked up at him. “It started before you got in that state, there were plenty of times when it was just us, nothing else.” Chris could feel himself getting choked. “And if that made you feel good and safe enough that you’d seek it out when you were scared, then… I’m glad it was me.”

Chris looked down and swallowed back his emotion before looking back at Sebastian and his saucer eyes, scared and looking for something, anything to make it all better between them. “I’m here Sebastian, I’ll always be here for you. It doesn’t have to be what it was, it’s not about sex for me. I’m your friend first and foremost. Okay?”

Sebastian nodded slowly, Chris reached up and wiped at the tears on Sebastian’s cheek. “Fuck I might have a tissue.” He got up from the chair leaving Sebastian outside as he went into the kitchen.

Chris grabbed some tissues from the counter but stopped, resting his body against the counter he closed his eyes and let his own tears fall. He felt sick and stupid he hadn’t opened his eyes long enough to see what Sebastian was going through, he felt responsible, that he’d let him down when he’d come to him to feel _safe_.

Chris wiped his face with the tissue and discarded them reaching for a new one. When he turned, he stilled, Sebastian was there in front of him. They both looked at each other with heavy breaths of emotion and heat between them. Chris wasn’t sure who moved first but their lips were locked, and hands fisted in material. The swell of desperation taking over, Chris held on tight, he could taste the beer and the salt of the tears. His hand ran up into Sebastian’s hair and he pulled at him till he was flush against his chest.

Sebastian ran his hands up and down Chris’s back, clawing at him, trying to get closer and feel him like he hadn’t in a long time. He moaned as Chris took his bottom lip and sucked it between his own. It was hot and needy, Sebastian whimpered as he pulled away, panting for breath. Sebastian was scared to open his eyes, he felt Chris rest his forehead against his.

“Seb.” Chris whispered.

Sebastian could still feel the tears rolling down his face. Chris’s hands cupped his cheeks and wiped at the tears and he pressed another kiss to his lips.

“Sebastian, look at me.” Chris coaxed.

Reluctantly he opened his eyes and was faced with Chris’s red cheeks and nose, he couldn’t stop the little laugh that left his lips.

“I look hot right?” Chris said watching Sebastian.

He wasn’t sure if it was Chris’s tone or the beer or just the ridiculousness of if all that made Sebastian burst out laughing. Chris did too but he never let go. His hands came to rest on Sebastian’s hips and Sebastian held on, his fingers a little too tight round Chris’s arm. The laughing subdued and Chris watched as reality hit back in on Sebastian’s face.

“Chris, I don’t want to make a mistake and complicate things between us.” He looked up from his hooded eyes.

“I know.”

“I have to deal with these issues and I’m not place them at your door.”

“I know, but you don’t have to do it alone.” Chris said a little more firmly this time.

“I…” Sebastian was out of words.

He knew he wanted Chris and he needed him, but he didn’t want to lie to him either because he was still hiding from the things he didn’t want to deal with, and sometimes, well most of the time he dealt with it by getting shitfaced. So, he stopped before he said anything else, not that he had too because Chris knew all too well how he dealt with things.

“Meant what I said Sebastian.” Chris said and pulled him in close.

Sebastian let out a shuddering sigh and held on just listening to the solid thud in Chris chest. After a minute Sebastian pulled back feeling himself stable enough to drop the topic. “You want to watch some Gossip Girl?” He said a straight face.

“Fuck you.” Chris said letting his hands drop to his sides dramatically, making Sebastian laugh.

When Sebastian left that night, he felt like he was floating, it was the best high he had had in while. The talk, the tears and the kiss. He was attached. He was addicted and it was to Chris.

\--

Boston 2019

It was less than two weeks to the premiere of Endgame and Chris was packing, he was due to fly out to LA to start the press tour. He had finished filming late the night before and he had spent the night listening to a stupid voice mail with no voice. It had crossed his mind that he could call the number he had for Sebastian, but for all he knew he could have changed the number, plus he had deleted the number he had from his phone, admittedly he could not delete it from memory. His other option was to ask Mackie for the number or in other words ask if he’d spoken to him.

“I don’t think it’s a good idea.” Mackie said flatly.

“Why?” Chris asked.

“Why? Because you fucked him over with this script. I told you to speak to him, to tell him but you didn’t.” Anthony’s tone scolding, “And now he’s in a bad way.”

“How bad?” Chris asked concerned. Whatever his intensions had been, it hadn’t been to send Sebastian spiralling out of control.

Anthony huffed at the end to of the line, “How bad he asks.” Chris can feel the disappointment that he is sending down the phone. “If you wanted to know, you should have asked before now Chris. You know him, how do you think he is doing?”

Chris chewed on his lip and rubbed at his eyes, trying to not let the worst thoughts come to him.

“Is he alone?” Chris’s voice croaked.

“No, Oliver is with him.” Anthony said softly as if it might soften the blow.

“Good. Good.” Chris said feeling a slight sense relief as bittersweet as it was.

There was a long pause before Chris spoke again. “I didn’t mean to hurt him.”

“I don’t think that either of you were trying to hurt each other.” Anthony said.

He was right but it was too late the damage had been done by both.

“What should I do?” Chris asked, not sure he wanted to hear the answer.

“His number hasn’t changed Chris.”

\--

New York December 2013

Sebastian hadn’t made his presence known to Chris yet, he had this fear of putting him off or maybe that he might be intruding. He kept off to the side and quietly spoke with a set assistant. Chris was talking through a scene with his co-star and checking the monitor. This was Chris’s directorial debut and it gave Sebastian a small swell of pride watching him in his element.

They had been in touch daily since Sebastian had been in LA, he knew Chris had a lot on his plate with the shoot coming up but he had called even when it was late, before he went to bed to just chat and vent about the preparations for the shoot. It had made Sebastian feel useful that Chris would let it out and confide in him about his insecurities.

Sebastian had held off trying to make plans to see Chris, not wanting to add to his already busy schedule. It was only day five of a short shoot and Chris had called him, when he got to set, he sounded tired and it was still early in the night. There had been a waiver in his voice and as much as he said he was fine. He admitted that he had had trouble sleeping the night before and then spent most of the day reviewing the previous nights shoot. He was feeling the pressure and Sebastian wasn’t sure how to help but reassure him, he was capable of doing the job, that a few sleepless nights would be worth it. Even when he had come off the phone Sebastian felt underwhelmed by his own advice.

Now he stood back and admired the brave face Chris was putting on and the great job he was doing. Sebastian became distracted by the assistant he was talking to and missed Chris scanning the small group and catching sight of Sebastian, he missed the smile and the way Chris’s shoulders relaxed, and the way he nearly set off in his direction but was stopped with the pressing urgency of the job. When Sebastian glanced back, he decided to leave Chris too it, instead sending him a message of support.

_You did a really great job tonight. You looked the part. Get some sleep tonight._

By the time Sebastian got back to his apartment he heard his phone ringing.

“Where did you go?” Chris said without a hello.

“I’m just home.”

“Why didn’t you stay?” Chris asked disappointed.

“I didn’t want to disturb you.” Sebastian said kicking off his shoes. “Are you finished?”

“Nearly.” Chris sounded tired.

Sebastian looked at the clock, it was half two in the morning, “Isn’t it early to be finished?”

“It doesn’t feel it.” There was a pause of while someone spoke to Chris, the voices muffled. “Seb?”

“Yeah, I’m here.”

“Can I come by?”

When Chris arrived the exhaustion on his face was more evident despite the smile that travelled to his eyes. Sebastian pulled him into a welcome hold, Chris didn’t hesitate in burying his face into Sebastian’s shoulder and he mumbled something incoherently. When Sebastian tried to pull back to hear him, Chris groaned and held on tighter. It made Sebastian chuckle and tightened his own hold.

“Hey, I think you need to go to bed.” Sebastian whispered and couldn’t stop himself laughing at Chris’s suggestive mumble and hum into his shoulder. “To sleep Chris.”

Chris relented and let go, “You bore.” He smiled sleepily.

Sebastian rolled his eyes and sighed, “Yeah well, I’m not the one that’s got to be up first thing.”

The energy between them was a strange mix of comfort, familiarity and awkwardness. Sebastian could see Chris’s eye flicker to his lips and away again and suddenly the air between them was charged, the drop of heat in his gut made Sebastian ache.

“Stay?” Sebastian asked his own eyes now on Chris’s lips.

Sebastian managed to get them settled without making any move on Chris. He could hear his own words in his head from a few weeks ago. He didn’t want to make a mistake and complicate things. He still hadn’t got his head in the right place to get involved but fuck if Chris didn’t look like a treat in his boxers and a t-shirt of Sebastian’s that was, just a little, too tight.

“I normally sleep naked, but I’ll make an exception for you, to save your innocence.” Chris had said slipping onto the bed beside Sebastian.

“You never left me with any innocence.” Sebastian commented, easily falling into their normal flirtation.

Chris rolled onto his side, propping himself on his elbow, he looked a Sebastian’s profile. “How is everything?”

Sebastian looked quickly at Chris then back to the ceiling. “Fine, everything is fine.”

“Sebastian.” Chris said coaxing him to open.

“What?” Sebastian said shrugging.

“I’m here, I’m right here, talk to me.”

Sebastian swallowed thickly, “Dad is good, he’s being well looked after. I see my Mom every week while I’m home, she has great support round her, family and friends.”

“And you?” Chris pushed.

“What is it you want to know?” He looked at Chris and sighed. “I’m seeing a therapist, it’s horrible and good at the same time. I… I don’t have anything on me.” He looked away unable to look what Chris’s reaction might be. “Last time was a week ago, it’s less frequent than before.” He said thinking of the pills. Chris hid any disapproval well and just nodded.

“Thank you.” Chris said quietly.

Sebastian looked at him confused. “For what?”

“For being honest with me.” Chris reached for Sebastian’s hand, “For just talking to me.”

It was a fleeting moment, but one Chris didn’t miss the frown on Sebastian’s face. Sebastian rolled over and pressed his lips lightly to his own. _Fuck_ Chris thought chasing the kiss.

The thin material between them was never going to hide their arousal at being together and being so close. Chris’s hand travelled up Sebastian’s chest and brushed over the hard, dark nipples, the first press of wet lips to his neck and it was game over for Sebastian, he needed this as much as Chris wanted it.

It was late in the morning when Sebastian had opened his eyes, he could feel the smile in his cheeks, he could smell Chris’s scent as he nuzzled into the pillow. It had left him cold to see the other side of the bed empty. The memory of Chris kissing him in his sleepy haze only a couple of hours earlier, made up for it, as it had all week. Sebastian felt like he was in a dream state, he stayed up late each night to wait for Chris to turn up, they spent the night rolling round his bed and in the morning when he woke Chris was gone. 

Every night Chris had held him and asked how he was trying to read him, Sebastian wanted nothing more than to open up and tell Chris everything that was in his head, what was making him live for every minute Chris came to his door, because Sebastian knew that if he was being honest with himself, he was substituting Chris for his usual high. The only difference was that he couldn’t always have Chris when he wanted him.

Getting up he made his way through to the kitchen. He stopped and looked at the note on the counter and smiled.

_Best sleep I’ve had in a long time! ;) Wish I could have stayed for breakfast. Xx_

Like any high it was addictive and then there was the want and need to for more. Sebastian picked up his phone and messaged Chris before he could over think it.

_S – I want you to stay for more than breakfast, I want more._

Sebastian put his phone face down and busied himself with making coffee and nearly burnt himself with the hot liquid when his phone buzzed.

_C – More? As in…?_

_S – As in… I want you to fuck me Chris, I want to feel you._

Sebastian’s heart was racing, he stared at his words on the screen and panicked maybe it was too much.

_C – Fuck Seb… I want you too._

When Sebastian pulled open the door that night, his heart was pounding out of his chest. Chris stood before him, his chest rising and falling quickly, Sebastian could see the words starting and then failing on Chris’s lips. Sebastian reached out and grabbed on to the front of his jumper and pulled.

Chris didn’t hesitate, his hands were on Sebastian, running up the back of his t-shirt desperate to get to the soft skin beneath. Sebastian pulled at Chris till he let out an “oomph” as his back impacted with the wall. Sebastian couldn’t stop his hands from moving, he was desperate to touch, to feel the pressure of Chris against him, he clung on riding his hips against Chris’s, both eager for friction.

Sebastian pushed at Chris’s jacket until it was off his shoulders, Chris yanked at his jumper and pulled it over his head. Sebastian gave an audible groan as the soft material was removed, revealing the hard muscle and sweeping of dark hair on his chest. There a pause as Chris looked at Sebastian checking that they were both on the same page, both wanting this. Chris cupped Sebastian’s jaw and watched as he lent into it, his fingers trailed down Chris’s bare chest and stopped short of his waistband. Sebastian pressed his lips to Chris’s and licked into his mouth.

Chris steadied himself with one hand on the wall beside Sebastian’s head. He could feel Sebastian tug at the waistband of his jeans and the other brush down over the hardness trapped inside.

“Chris,” Sebastian murmured against his lips.

Chris groaned unable to think as Sebastian stroked his hand along the outline of his cock.

“I want you.” Sebastian panted as Chris’s lips travelled along his jaw and down his neck and nuzzled into him. “Please.”

The words burned deep in Chris’s gut, “Fuck,” his hand flatted against Sebastian’s back pulling his where there were no room to move, the other slid down over the soft sweats that Sebastian had on, groping at his ass, he pulled sharply at the material, he heard a high pitch breath leave Sebastian as the material slide down over the swell of his ass. Chris grabbed at the bare skin and let his fingers run close to the crease, Sebastian’s breath hitched.

“Please, Chris.” Sebastian begged.

“I want you too.” He said pressing his crotch into Sebastian’s hand. “I don’t… I haven’t…” He mumbled into Sebastian’s shoulder.

Sebastian pushed back against Chris till he looked up at him, “Here is the talk that you want so much Chris… I want you to fuck me. Do _you_ want to fuck me?”

Chris couldn’t take his eyes off Sebastian’s red wet lips as he spoke, his cheeks pink from the burn of Chris’s beard and the heavily hooded eyes that made Chris want to sell his soul to be watched by them. He could feel how hard Sebastian was against him and the firm muscle of his ass clenching in his hand.

“I do… I just, I’ve not… I’ve never... this is going to be different.” Chris tried to swallow but his throat was dry. “And this, this isn’t just a fuck for me.” He watched as Sebastian bit the inside of his lip, “I don’t want to do this if you are high or on something.”

Sebastian held Chris’s face in his hands and looked him dead in the eye. “Look at me Chris, I haven’t taking anything, I haven’t had anything the whole time you have been here, nothing, not even a drink.” Sebastian could see the bit of doubt in Chris and he couldn’t blame him. “I promise, this is just us.”

“I just want to do this right.” Chris said earnestly.

“Then let’s do it right.” Sebastian said after a long pause and pulled Chris to the bedroom.

Chris pushed whatever insecurity he had aside and allowed himself to get lost in Sebastian, he was overcome with touches and kisses. They slid together on the bed, teasing fingers running over his body, both bringing each other to the edge before pushing away again. Sebastian had swallowed Chris down till he was close but pulled back denying him the release.

Chris knew he couldn’t wait any longer. Sebastian had taken the foil packet of a condom and placed it in Chris’s hand. He felt his heart stop when he realised that Sebastian was already ahead of him. Chris didn’t take his eye’s away as he ran glistening fingers over and round his tight hole before he pressed inside himself, his eye’s closed and his mouth slack. Chris’s felt the pulse in his cock and ran his hand over the top of Sebastian’s.

Chris felt his fingers in the slick wetness of the lube and pressed into the heat of Sebastian, Chris was quick to kiss away the sharp hiss that left Sebastian’s lips. Fingers dug painfully into Chris’s shoulder as Sebastian rode himself down on Chris’s fingers. The muttering of praises Chris realised were his own in enjoying the sight. Sebastian off balanced him with a sudden and clear plea of need.

“Chris fuck me.” Sebastian reached out and brushed he wet tip of Chris’s cock.

Chris had to stifle the moan as he pulled his fingers from Sebastian, he knew he’d be done too quickly if he didn’t cool off. Sitting back on his knees between Sebastian’s thighs, he tore open the foil packet and rolled the condom down to the base of his cock where he held on tight, trying to restrain himself.

The sudden realisation of what they were doing hit Chris, Sebastian saw the wavier cross his face, he sat up on his elbow and ran a hand over Chris’s cheek.

“We can stop.” Sebastian whispered, “If you aren’t sure, it’s ok.”

Chris lent forward and captured Sebastian’s lips and let out a shaky sigh. “I know… just stop me if anything…” Sebastian cut him off with a sweep of his tongue.

Chris felt back down to the slick heat of Sebastian and pressed the head of his cock to his ass. Sebastian let out a shaky groan as Chris entered him. Chris pressed his face into Sebastian’s shoulder cursing and panting, pressing wet kisses as Sebastian raked his nails over his back, begging him to go deeper. Chris started to move, the hot tightness of Sebastian gripping him, the room filled with grunts and whimpers, pleas and cursing. Chris laced his finger in Sebastian’s hair, pulling his head back as he licked desperately into his mouth.

In Chris’s haze he was lost chasing his high from Sebastian, he heard Sebastian calling his name in strangled moans, he watched as his face contorted and he squeezed his eyes closed, panic struck Chris and he stilled worried he was being too rough. Sebastian’s eyes shot open with a look of frustration and confusion.

“Don’t stop.” Sebastian panted, his hand gripping his hard length pumping into his fist.

Chris ground his hips down watching Sebastian begin to untether beneath him. Chris moaned when he saw the way Sebastian shuddered when he rocked his hips back and fucked against the tender spot of his prostate. Sitting back on his knees Chris pulled at Sebastian’s hips, he slid out just enough to fuck into him quick and shallow, the head of his cock teasing him. Chris could see Sebastian’s body spike as he lost control.

“Please, fuck, Chris!”

Chris could feel Sebastian’s tighten round his cock. He reached down and pushed Sebastian’s hand away from his dick and stroked him in time with his hips. He leaned down and slipped his tongue between Sebastian’s wet parted lips. With the urgency of his own orgasm coming he began to fuck faster, Sebastian clinging on and shouting out as the slick of his orgasm burst between their abdomens, it made Chris growled from somewhere deep inside and his hips stilted snapping against Sebastian’s ass as his own orgasm ripped through him.

Chris could hear his voice echo in his own head, but the pulsing aftershock of his orgasm made his body heavy and he collapsed against Sebastian; his open lips pressed against his shoulder. They both breathed heavily, trying to get air back into their lungs. Sebastian let a gasp out as Chris softened and pulled out, Chris cupped his cheek and pressed his lips gently to the edge of Sebastian’s mouth. Chris couldn’t stop the smile that came to him when he saw the blissed-out grin on Sebastian’s face.

“You ok?” Chris whispered, scared to break some spell by speaking any louder.

“Yeah.” Sebastian replied just as quietly.

Sebastian ran his fingers lazily up Chris’s back that was soaked with sweat. Chris didn’t want to move but the shake in his thighs from exertion and the air catching the wetness of their bodies began to chill him. He pressed another quick kiss to Sebastian’s lips before he rolled over and sat on the edge of the bed to remove and discard the condom. Chris looked over his shoulder at Sebastian, the smile still on his face but his eyes closed.

Chris lay back down beside him and pulled the cover up over them. He watched Sebastian’s profile, he wanted to reach out and hold him but he didn’t want to disturb the moment either. He waited until Sebastian opened his eyes and turned to look at him.

“Any regrets?” Sebastian asked.

Chris smiled, “None. You?”

“Yeah,” Chris’s stomach sank, and his smile dropped. “Just that you aren’t staying longer.” Sebastian said with a smirk.

Chris gave out a deep breathe and huffed, “You dick,” Chris said rolling top of Sebastian and crushing his lips to his. He could hear Sebastian laughing muffed by Chris mouth. His leg came up and locked behind Chris’s, his arms tight round his back, it felt like the most natural thing to be curled round each other and it made Chris feel whole.

The short shooting schedule for Chris was coming to an end and the little bubble that they had both been in began to feel fragile. Twice Chris had found himself running late because he didn’t want to let go; he didn’t want to leave the safe cocoon that they were in. It had been perfect and intimate, something they had never had before. Chris didn’t want to think about what it was going to be like leaving New York in a few days, even more so he didn’t want to think about how long it would be to the next time they would see each other.

So, when Chris had got a message from Sebastian, just a few hours after he had left the bed, they had shared the night before, saying he was going out of town and wouldn’t be back before Chris left New York, Chris was stunned. He hadn’t been sure how to reply so he didn’t, not right away.

Chris tried to think rationally; Sebastian’s sudden but inevitable recoiling from what they had had over the last couple of weeks was going to happen. Chris had been waiting on it. It was how Sebastian had always been in their _relationship_. But maybe Chris had been foolish to think that Sebastian had overcome that hurdle, he was the one after all that had wanted to take if further and sleep together.

It made Chris question if what they had shared in that short space of time, like that morning they had held each other, lazily pressing kisses to warm skin; had it meant so little to Sebastian that he couldn’t have forewarned Chris, that it was going to come to an abrupt end, without a goodbye?

It hurt and Chris could admit that to himself because he knew he was in this more emotionally than he knew how to deal with. What Chris had to decide was what Sebastian was offering, was it enough for him? Could he deal with him lying and running away as soon as they got close.

Chris had decided not to respond.

\--

Boston 2019

Chris answered the door to his brother Scott; the welcome was muted by Chris pointing to the phone at his ear. It was late and they were packed ready to go to the airport. Scott a welcome travel partner while Chris was feeling anxious.

“I don’t understand, there isn’t anything alluding to who it is.” Chris said down the phone. “I didn’t think I needed your permission!” His voice raising. “Has this come directly from Sebastian?”

Scott watched at Chris paced the floor the phone crushed to his ear. As much as he didn’t want to listen in, he listened, sipped at a glass of water. When Chris hung up the phone with a bitter “Fine!” He watched in curiosity as Chris stilled and his shoulders sank.

“Chris?” Scott asked tentatively.

Chris straightened up and turned to his brother, his eye brimming with tears and sighed, “I’ve fucked up.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed this chapter. Let me know what you think.  
Thanks Gayle :)


	5. Five

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A tragedy for Sebastian sends him over the edge. He needs help and Chris wants to be the one to be there for him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is later then planned but it is really two chapters in one, so I hope that makes up for it. It's a long hard one but there is going to be some lighter stuff next chapter.
> 
> There is a song that I listened to a lot when writing this story. I've added at the notes at the end.
> 
> Hope you enjoy it. Let me know what you think and always, thank you for reading.

“You did what?” Sebastian looked at Anna his manager like she had grown two heads.

Anna stood firm, “I did want needed to be done.”

Sebastian threw his hands up exasperated and stammered pulling at his hair and paced in a circle. “What… I never, fuck… you should have asked me first!” He finally spat.

Anna cast an authoritative look and spoke in a tone at made Sebastian’s anger dampen quickly. “This isn’t something that will go away, unless it’s dealt with. If you want the world to know everything that happened, then you need to be in control of this!” She let her eyes travel over Sebastian before fixing him with a stare. “And in control, is something you are not right now Sebastian.”

It was true, just by looking down at himself and his dishevelled appearance, unshaven, sweats and t-shirt, his hair crushed under a baseball cap and the noticeable shake in his hands with anxiety. If it hadn’t had been for Oliver forcing him up this morning and into the shower, he wouldn’t have made it to this meeting.

Anna let her body relax and her tone soften, trying to appeal to the part of his head that was not in this emotionally. “You could have come out at any point Sebastian; you could have made that decision and weathered the storm, because you could have prepared for it. You could have openly discussed addiction and the struggles you’ve faced, but you didn’t. You chose to keep it private.” She reached forward and placed a hand gently on his forearm.

“No one has the right to make that decision for you. Especially just to hurt you.” She could see Sebastian processing her words. “Just because it’s someone you know or care about it doesn’t make it any less intrusive. It’s flat out revenge what he’s doing, and for what? A broken relationship.”

Sebastian rolled his eyes to the ceiling; it wasn’t any easier hearing it out loud when it was all that ran through his head. “He could say it’s not me though.”

Anna cleared her throat and nodded. “This had gone out to limited number of people and I’ve already fielded calls; people know this is about you and Chris. As much as you think people were blind to what was going on, it was right out there for everyone to see.” She placed her hands on his shoulders and made sure he was paying attention. “The only difference is that this, is confirmation from the source, masked poorly in a so-called fictional character. Expect all the dark sides aren’t that fictional.”

She was right and Sebastian knew she was. He knew it from the moment he had read it. If anything, Sebastian hadn’t realised how much he must had hurt Chris. To have him declare to the world that they had been together and highlight Sebastian’s personal issues and struggles; many of those things even people close to him didn’t know yet. He was not just putting Sebastian’s personal life out there but his own and to risk it all, it must have meant so much to him.

Anna sat down behind her desk. “It’s been nothing more than our legal team speaking to his legal team. A gentle request to retract the script.”

“Have you heard anything?” Sebastian asked his voice small and lost in the room.

“Just that it’s been communicated.” She said.

Sebastian sat down and stared at a blank space in front of him. “It shouldn’t have got this far.” He said absently. “I should have spoken to him.”

“I can arrange that.” Anna said, taking a note.

“Jesus, we shouldn’t need all this, we should be able to pick up the phone and talk.” Sebastian sighed.

“Then do it.” Anna said firmly.

\--

Late December 2013

It had been exactly a week since Chris had woke to Sebastian’s mop of curled hair tickling at his nose. The weight of his body shifting and left his body exposed and cold on one side. Chris had chased the heat and rolled with Sebastian, tightening his arms round his waist and letting his half hard cock rest in the crook of Sebastian’s ass cheeks. Later he had stroked Sebastian’s own hard-on while he fucked him deep and slow in the same position.

He had kissed Sebastian goodbye, promising to do more of the same that night, only to get a message from Sebastian that he was on his way to LA, to meet the director of his new project before Christmas. Chris had consider calling bullshit, but he didn’t want to be a dick if it was true, he didn’t want to seem petty, so he went for the more childish option and didn’t reply to his calls or messages.

Sebastian hadn’t relented, he had messaged and told him how the meeting had gone, he had told him when his flight was coming back, he had asked what he was doing over the holidays. By day three or four he had stopped messaging. The last had been late on Christmas Eve, a simple, _Merry Christmas Chris_. It made Chris feel like shit. He didn’t know why he was doing it when all he wanted was to talk to him, but he ignored it until the following day and replied with the same sentiment.

It was enough for Sebastian to try calling him, Chris had let it ring out and then sent an apology that he had missed the call, that he was out with friends. When he could have easily answered it because what he was really doing was watching a film with his nephew.

Sebastian had tried a couple more time but Chris recognised the pattern of Sebastian’s late-night calls. If they were going to have any kind of discussion Chris wanted Sebastian to be sober for it.

Now at half three in the morning Chris watched Sebastian’s name flash on his phone. He’d be lying if he said he’d been asleep. His body was restless in the same bed he’d slept in as a child, surrounded by all the same posters he used to lay awake and look at, while thinking how he was going to ask out his school crush. Turns out with adult crushes things weren’t any easier, they just got harder; they develop into sex and feelings and then heartache and confusion and at the end of it you still don’t know what to say or how to ask how they fell in return.

Chris let the phone ring out and felt his heart sink, the longer he left it to a talk to Sebastian the worse the outcome could only be. Chris picked up his phone and flicked through his contacts.

“Hey.” A gruff voice answered.

“You’re awake then.” Chris smiled.

There was a long pause before Anthony spoke. “And you’re an asshole, you spoke to lover boy yet?”

“I deserve that.” Chris said.

“You deserve worse.” Anthony said coolly.

Chris knew that was probably true, so didn’t challenge it. “I didn’t confide in you, for you to make me feel worse than I already do.”

“Then I see no point in you telling me at all.” Anthony mocked. “It’s half three in the morning Chris what do you want?”

“Just missed another call from Seb.” Chris said with a sigh.

“Missed?” Anthony scoffed, “Does lying to yourself make you feel better about the fact that you are blatantly ignoring him?”

“It’s just not the time to discuss anything, at this time in the morning, when his is drunk or worse.”

Chris in his own drunkenness had told Anthony much more then he had intended to, weeks back. He had told him about the fact they had started messing about in London a few years ago and how attracted he was to Sebastian. He had told him about the fact he had turned up at his house in Atlanta and the need from Sebastian that night had scared him and what scared him more what how intoxicating he found him, despite the trouble he sometimes found himself in.

It had all come out at the end of the Winter Soldier shoot; Anthony had commented on the fact Sebastian hadn’t stuck round for the wrap party. Chris in his merry drunken state had broken down and confessed to Anthony about Sebastian’s “flu” incident. At no point had Anthony judged Sebastian, instead in his limited time of meeting him on set, Anthony was quick to defend him, giving him the benefit of the doubt. “He’s a good dude, I got that from him.” Anthony had said, and he rated his judgement of character as first class, always.

Chris had felt relief telling Anthony about Sebastian’s trip to LA and what he had told him about his use of drugs and why. There was a spark of guilt about speaking to someone about Sebastian, but Anthony had helped Chris to sort through all the stuff that was going through his own head and it helped. That was what made Anthony such a good friend, because he listened, and he didn’t just tell Chris he was right or wrong, he helped him see it from both sides.

Chris had called Anthony to wish him a happy holiday but had buckled and let it all out about his trip to New York, from the film and the directing, to the best sex of his life. It had been enough for Anthony to get him to repeat himself and then stop him before he spilled any details. He was also quick to shame him for acting like a “goddam pussy” for not talking to Sebastian over a goodbye.

“He always pushes me away. I don’t know how to deal with it.” Chris said more for himself.

“It’s self-preservation.” Anthony said down the line with a hum in thought. “He’s running away before the other person hurts him.”

“I’m not trying to hurt him.” Chris said hopelessly.

“Yeah, you are really doing a good impression of that for him.” He said jarringly. Anthony sighed when Chris didn’t defend himself. “Look he is never going to be the one to make the move, if you want this to work, you got to stand tall and be there, no matter how many times he pushes you away, just bounce back, prove you aren’t going to be just like… history repeating itself.”

“What do you know about his relationship history?” Chris asked unsure how he was qualified to make that assumption.

“People don’t just bail and run for no reason, they have either been let down before and have trust issues or have never been a serious relationship before.” Anthony explained. “We know the latter isn’t true.”

“Fuck,” Chris could feel himself crumble inside. If what Anthony was saying was true, he had fallen at the first hurdle. “I should call him.” Chris whispered.

“Okay but don’t be a dick and call him at four in the morning, no one, no matter how good you are at giving head, wants a call from at this time of the morning.” Anthony said bluntly but made Chris bark with laughter.

“You’ll never know!” Chris said letting his laughter peter out. “Thanks man.”

“Go get him and, look after him, I think he needs it.”

It was late morning when Chris finally woke up, his first thought as it had been every morning was Sebastian. Chris was too much a chickenshit to just call, plus he knew he owned Sebastian more than a phone call, so he sent him a message to meet up instead.

_C - I’m going to be in New York for new year’s, can we meet up? Grab a coffee? Chris._

Chris wasn’t sure when or if he expected a reply, either way Chris knew his plan was to give him a time and a place and if he showed then he could take that as a win.

\--

Chris had his hands wrapped round the cup in front it him, to stop himself looking at his phone every five seconds. His heart was racing and the time for Sebastian to meet him and come and gone. He wasn’t sure how long he should wait. Half an hour seemed reasonable but and hour seemed excessive. So, after two hours Chris decided to give up and fuelled by a bitter sadness, he decided to hunt him down.

The hunt didn’t take him very far, just to his apartment, where a lovely neighbour -who Chris had bumped into when leaving Sebastian’s one morning- confirmed that he was in town and had seen him leave for the gym a few hours earlier. Chris had thanked them and checked to see if Sebastian had responded to any of his messages. Nope. So, Chris decided to make himself comfortable and wait.

The worst thing about day drinking it that it’s not socially acceptable to see people walking down the street drunk in the fading daylight. It’s even harder to navigate when the street is busy with commuters and the alcohol that is swirling round your body is making you feel twice as drunk as you thought you were, Sebastian felt he was dealing with it much better than expected.

It hadn’t been his intention to get drunk today. He had fully intending on going to the gym, then go home, shower and _maybe_ meet Chris. It had only been a maybe, because after finally hearing from Chris after so long on radio silence, he wasn’t sure what to expect and he felt like he was walking into something completely unprepared and he didn’t like that.

Sebastian wasn’t stupid though, he knew why Chris had been avoiding his calls and it was all because of the last time he’d seen Chris; he had looked back at Sebastian laying naked in his bed after making his toes curl, with a kiss to keep him going until later. To Chris, _later_, might have meant a few hours but Sebastian knew it was going to be a much longer. Did he feel shit for that? Yes. Did he want to have to explain himself? No. By doing so it made the feeling that was developing even harder to deny and it meant his secrets would be harder to keep.

He had strolled pointlessly along the street, unsure what to do and had ended up doing shots in a local bar for courage. Shortly after he had turned off his phone to avoid admitting the mistake he had made and possible the new one he was making. Chris wouldn’t wait long and maybe they could just forget it all and get back to being just friends or at the very least colleagues. He felt sick, he moved faster to get home.

He didn’t take in the figure sat with his back against his door until he was a few steps from it.

Chris slowly stood up, stiff from sitting so long. He could see the confusion on Sebastian’s face, and he could smell the alcohol. He was still wearing the gym clothes his neighbour had said he’d seen him in. It was now past eight in the evening and unless Sebastian’s gym now had a bar, Chris was safe to assume the worst.

“Where have you been? I’ve been calling you.” Chris asked.

Sebastian took a step round Chris to the door, “What are you doing here?” He said ignoring the question.

“I was worried, you never showed up today… I wanted to make sure, you are ok.” Chris said watching Sebastian fumble with his key.

“I’m fine.” He slurred, pushing against the door, it gave way and he stumbled in.

Chris grabbed out to catch him on instinct, “Are you sure about that?”

Sebastian pulled his arm from Chris’s hold. “Don’t feel the need to care just because you’re here Chris.” Sebastian said pulling at his jacket.

Chris bit at his lip and placed his hands on his hips, fighting the urge to take the bait but failing. “What is it Sebastian? Why don’t I care?”

“I don’t know Chris, why don’t you?” Sebastian mumbled pulling a jumper over his head and throwing it over the back of a chair.

“You’re the one that stood me up, I bought you a coffee” Chris said trying to lighten the mood.

“I don’t give a shit about coffee.” Sebastian mumbled.

“Ok so you stood me up because you had a better offer?” Chris continued looking at Sebastian’s flushed face, “With a bottle of tequila?”

“Getting closer.” Sebastian said pulling open the fridge door and pulling out a beer.

“What is it then Sebastian, because it’s not like I fucked you and left town without telling you until it was too late.” Chris said flatly.

Sebastian swallowed back his beer and rested it on the counter between them.

“So that, _is_ why you avoided my calls.” Sebastian smirked and nodded not able to meet Chris’s stare.

Chris couldn’t hold back his anger, “Why would I give you anymore curtesy then you have given me?”

“I didn’t realise we were bound to each other and I had to plan everything round you.”

Chris had to hold back, he knew Sebastian was drunk and he everything he said or heard would be going through that filter, but he couldn’t stop his own thought’s spilling out. “No, you’re right but, I thought that the time we spent together might have meant something.”

“It did!” Sebastian said raising his voice. He looked at Chris incredulously. “That’s why I didn’t want to say goodbye!”

Chris looked down and shook his head, “I don’t get it, so running away it easier than just saying, you’ve got to leave town?”

“No easier then picking up the phone and talking to me like an adult it seems.” Sebastian countered.

“It hurt,” Chris stated. “I was hurt, and I didn’t know what so say because I thought I was getting the brush off after what I thought it had been a perfect couple of weeks.” He softened his tone and face when Sebastian looked at him wide eyed. “I didn’t want to say goodbye either, but it’s not like I wasn’t going to see you again.”

“This is so fucking childish.” Sebastian sighed.

There was a heavy pause between them, neither wanted to fight, neither wanted this to go around in circles, neither of them wanted to admit that this was a stupid argument masking much bigger things they didn’t want to deal with right now. So, someone had to give, before it got too far.

“You started it.” Chris said crossing his arms over his chest in mock anger.

Sebastian sighed and chuckled, the tension slipping from his shoulders. He pushed the bottle of beer across the counter towards Chris. “I’m sorry, for not telling you I was leaving sooner.”

Chris took the beer and took a drink, “I’m sorry for being a pussy and not answering your calls.”

Sebastian snorted with laugher, he was tired, and the buzz of the shots had started to wear off. He rested against the counter and sighed. “I don’t do goodbyes. I don’t like them; I’ve said enough in my life to know that I don’t want anymore.”

“What about, see you later? Not everything has to be so final.”

“I thought that’s what I was doing.”

“No,” Chris said shaking his head, “You were avoiding having to admit you were going to miss all this.” Chris sticking his hip out and running his hands suggestively over his chest and pursed his lips in a kiss.

It made Sebastian burst with laughter, “You got me.”

“I knew it.” Chris said, satisfied he’d got the desired effect from Sebastian.

Chris came around the counter and leaned into Sebastian’s shoulder, “You know, we could avoid all this confusion, if we maybe talked, about this.”

“This?” Sebastian looked up at Chris.

“Us,” Chris clarified, “what we are doing, what we want.”

Sebastian pushed back against Chris and rested his head on his shoulder.

“What do you want Sebastian?” Chris asked, his voice barely a whisper.

The question sent an unease through Sebastian, he wanted Chris, he knew that, but he knew it wasn’t that simple. Look at them both, they were both in an industry that hid from exactly this, big bucks were lost on a rumour in Hollywood. There was pressure to not make any mistakes and drag the film down with them. Not to mention Sebastian’s own issues that he didn’t want to mare Chris with. This couldn’t be more than what it was, even if he felt like it meant everything to him, having Chris to himself.

“I’m too drunk for this conversation.” Sebastian said softly.

Chris dropped his gaze and nodded, “Okay.

“I’m sorry.” He said honestly.

Chris lifted one of Sebastian’s hands and traced the lines on his palm, “It’s ok. Maybe later.” He forced a smile. “I guess I should head off.”

Sebastian gripped Chris’s hand a little harder. “If you’re about, maybe I’ll see you over the new year?”

“I’m about.” Chris said a little too quickly.

Sebastian felt a little twinge in his chest. “How about breakfast tomorrow?”

“I do owe you a coffee.” Chris said, the backs of his fingers running over Sebastian’s stubbled jaw.

“I think you owe me more than that.” He could not taking his eyes off Chris’s lips and the way Chris slide his tongue over the bottom one.

“Breakfast in bed?” Chris said his lips ghosting over Sebastian’s.

Sebastian’s world was spinning again but this time it was nothing to do with alcohol. Chris had backed him into the sofa and dragged his sweats and boxers down his thighs, a firm hand kneading his ass cheek while the other guiding his cock into Chris’s mouth. Sebastian couldn’t get the words out, instead he clawed at Chris and his hair, Chris never faltered as Sebastian thrust his hips up, chasing the hot velvet heat of his tongue and hollowed cheeks.

It was all over too quickly but Sebastian was too blissed out to be apologetic, riding the wave of his orgasm. Even as Chris crowded on top of him and licked into his mouth, mumbling obscenities, Sebastian, barely got his hand to Chris before he was shuddering against him, making them both slick with his come. Chris was a comforting weight on top of him and the trail of wet kisses down his throat, made them both sigh.

Chris groaned when he felt Sebastian move his hips up press against his now sensitive cock.

“Fuck Seb, I lo…” his words cut off as he pressed his lips quickly back to his throat, “… tasting you, you feel so good.”

If it was a save, they both appreciated it, but Sebastian didn’t miss a beat and pinched at Chris’s side making him squirm and laugh. “Where’s my breakfast?”

Chris pinned the hand assaulting his ticklish side and smiled down at him, “We never made it to bed.”

\--

New York 2019

Sebastian rolled the lid of the vodka bottle between his fingers, he fought the urge to take a drink from the bottle, instead he watching the liquid disappear down the sink. It felt good; it was a decision taking him in the right direction. He had promotion coming up for the biggest movie of his career and he needed to sober up.

He could feel Oliver’s eyes on him as he placed the empty bottle by the sink. Oliver hadn’t spoke much on the ride home; they had just returned from Sebastian’s latest appointment with his therapist.

“I like this new doctor,” Sebastian said breaking the silence. “But I feel like I’m cheating on my regular one though.”

Sebastian turned and looked at Oliver who had a troubling look on his face, but still never said anything.

“I wish I’d done that, a long time ago.” Sebastian said motioning to the bottle.

Sebastian knew after his session today, if he didn’t do something to move forward, he probably never would. His mouth was now dry, and he knew no amount of water was going to quench the thrust he had. The way Oliver was looking at him made him regret pouring the vodka away too hastily.

Oliver had been doing everything he could to support Sebastian. He had taken time off work to go to appointments with him, he had listened to him when he was drunk, he had taken Sebastian’s abuse when he had cut him off when he had had too much. Oliver had got him up and out daily, keeping him active and making sure he didn’t miss anything for work. He had also held him when he was upset, calmed him and not asked any questions.

There were so many questions, and Sebastian could see him biting them all back, but it was getting harder. Sebastian knew he deserved the whole story, but he still wouldn’t ask.

Clearing his throat and folding the kitchen towel over and over in his hands Sebastian tried to open up.

“Today, I spoke about something very few people know about.” Sebastian started. “It led to a big change for me and if it hadn’t happened…” Sebastian stared at the wall behind Oliver, “if it hadn’t happened, I don’t know where I would be today… _if_ I would be here.”

“The night of the premiere?” Oliver asked gently.

Sebastian nodded, “What you read in Chris’s story, it wasn’t all false.”

Seeing Oliver flinch, Sebastian reached out, “Oh my god Sebastian.”

“It wasn’t on purpose.” Sebastian stated firmly. “I’d never do that.”

“Okay.” Oliver said nodding his head with a shaky breath.

“I don’t have to…”

“No.” Oliver said cutting him off, “I need to know what happened.”

“Okay.” Sebastian nodded.

He had told the therapist the story just a couple of hours before and it had exhausted him but looking at Oliver now he knew it was right to tell him.

“We were halfway through the promotional tour for the film, just about to leave Europe when I got the call that my stepfather had passed away suddenly.” Sebastian let out a sigh, “Except it wasn’t that sudden. He’d caught an infection and had been moved to hospital.” Shaking his head at the memory. “I had spoken to my mom before I left, I knew he was ill, but I didn’t realise how bad, my mom was putting a brave face on, not letting me worry, shielding me. I should have called but I was so wrapped up in everything… in Chris.”

“Your mother didn’t let you know when he got worse?” Oliver asked.

Sebastian looked away and swallowed thickly, “She called, I didn’t respond straight away.”

“Why?”

“I ignored the call; I was too busy fucking Chris any minute we had alone.” Sebastian said gripping at the towel in his hands, his knuckles white. “By the time I called her back… he died a few hours later.”

Oliver pulled the towel from Sebastian and took his hand. “You know that you wouldn’t have made it back in time, even if you had picked up that first call, right?” Oliver said his voice gentle. “You were thousands of miles away.” He placed a hand on Sebastian’s cheek and made sure he was looking at him, listening. “Being there, or on a flight back wouldn’t have changed anything.”

“I know.” Sebastian closed his eyes and lent into his touch, “I know that now, but back then…” He shook his head.

Sebastian took a moment to compose himself and Oliver pulled him to sit down on the couch. “Everyone was great, they got me back to the states as fast as they could.” Sebastian swallowed thickly. “I remember Chris trying to hold me, to comfort me but I just wanted to be alone, I pushed him away, but he was there, always just out my line of vision, ready to catch me, you know?”

Oliver nodded when Sebastian looked at him, trying to emphasise his point.

“My mother, she had been adamant that I should go to the LA premiere, she said that my father wouldn’t have wanted me to miss it.” He paused trying to think how to explain. “I know she meant well, she wanted to see something good in all that was bad in that moment.” He gave out a shuddered breath. “I didn’t want to go; I wanted to just stay and look after her… I wanted a chance to say goodbye, even with him gone, it still never got to say goodbye.”

“Seb, sweetheart.” Oliver gripped at his hands, wanting to somehow take the hurt away.

“I just did as she asked.” Sebastian continued. “I felt like she was pushing me from where I needed to be, but I went.” 

“To LA, to the premiere?” Oliver asked after a long pause.

“Yeah. And I did what I knew best, I numbed it out and I put a smile on my face.” Sebastian said in a very matter of fact way.

\--

2014 CA:WS Premiere

Chris sipped from his glass of fizz and let his assistant Joe fuss round him. “What time is it?”

“You’ve got ten minutes before we should head down.” Joe said standing back. “He’s just down the hall.”

Chris felt caught out and a smile on his lips that Joe knew what he needed to know and that he was that discreet. “Thanks.”

Chris walked down the corridor, he hadn’t seen Sebastian since he had arrived in LA, it had all been so last minute and unexpected after the news of his stepfather. Chris had watched Sebastian shut down at the news of his passing, Chris had tried everything to just let him know he was there and just to comfort him, but he had heard nothing. He was jus eager to see him and make sure he was ok.

As Chris approached the suite, Sebastian’s manager, her assistant and his PR assistant came out of the door talking a frantic but hushed tones. Anna gave a strained smile when she saw him.

“Everything ok?” Chris asked but something told him it wasn’t.

Anna looked as her assistant Helen nodded back to the room, Helen quickly disappeared through the door. Anna took Chris’s arm and pulled him down the hall away from the PR assistant. When she stopped, she looked up at him with a softness that frankly scared Chris.

“What is going on?” Chris asked, confused and worried.

“I know you and Sebastian are close.” She started, it put Chris suddenly on edge, he wasn’t aware of who knew how close they really were. “You know that Sebastian’s stepfather passed away.” Chris just nodded. “He’s not dealing with it in the best way.” She said matter of fact.

“I didn’t expect him to be here frankly.” Chris said. “I haven’t spoken to him, I wanted to just see how he was doing.”

“I didn’t expect him to come either.” Anna agreed. “Problem is, Sebastian is a very strong headed. He’s decided he’s going to go tonight.”

“So? Maybe it’s what he needs.” Chris said shrugging, “Maybe it can take his mind off things for a few hours.”

The door behind them opened and closed, Helen stood outside and shook her head.

“Maybe you can talk him.” Anna said after a moment and pushed the door to Sebastian’s room open.

Chris gave Anna a half smile and edged in the door. Looking round the room, there was no one there, he could see Sebastian’s suit jacket still on the hanger and an opened bottle of champagne on the table. Chris picked up the bottle and gave it a little shake, it was empty. Fuck. Chris felt a dread set in.

Eyeing the closed bathroom door, he approached it and pressed his ear to it to listen, but it was silent, he was about to knock, when he heard the lock turn. Chris jumped back and stared wide eyed at Sebastian. He looked… fine.

“Hey.” Sebastian said with a strange look.

“Hey, I just wanted to check how you are.” Chris said backing up.

Sebastian looked round the room behind Chris and ran a hand through his hair and sniffed. “I’m good.”

When Sebastian never met his eye Chris touched his arm, “Seb?”

“I’m fine!” Sebastian burst.

Chris grabbed him until he turned to look at his face properly. Chris cursed under is breath when he saw the pupils of Sebastian’s eyes blown out, the pink tip of his nose shining through the make-up covering it and the fine pin pricks of sweat on his brow. “Fuck sake Sebastian, what the fuck are you playing at.”

Sebastian bit at his lip and swayed slightly. “I’m fine.”

“Fuck off, you are not fine, you are fucking wasted.” Chris growled. “Jesus what are you thinking?”

“Stop shouting at me.” Sebastian said calmly.

“You are about to walk the fucking press line and you are shitfaced and you’re worried about me shouting?” Chris laughed in a high pitch and turned from him and paced the room.

“I’m fine.” He stated again, not raising his voice.

Chris turned to him, Anna was right, he shouldn’t be here, he knew it was all too soon. His father only passing away day’s before and now this was how he was dealing with it. Chris took a breath and looked at Sebastian, he looked lost and heartbroken. It was enough to kill that last of his anger.

“You don’t have to do this tonight Seb. It’s not too late to back out.” Chris said calmly.

“I’d be letting people down.” Sebastian said his heart on his sleeve.

“No, you wouldn’t, you’d be looking after yourself.” Chris said.

“I can’t, people are expecting me.”

“If people see you like this, you _will_ be letting them down Seb.”

“Have I let you down?” Sebastian asked a little concerned.

Chris knew this was coming from a much darker place and he knew with only minutes until they were to leave it was not the time.

“Seb...” Chris said taking Sebastian’s hand.

The door to the room opened and Anna, Helen and the PR assistant came in. “Okay, you are not going to do interviews on the carpet, we have two outlets we _have to_ talk to and that is it. Helen will be shadowing you, you do as she says. Smile and keep moving.”

“Are you sure he should be doing this?” Chris asked.

Anna gave Chris a exasperated look, “Have you talked him out of it?” Chris took that as his turn to shut up. “I’ll meet you at the end of the press line and we’ll get you out of there.” Anna said turning her attention back to Sebastian who looked like a child being told off.

It broke Chris’s heart to see Sebastian like this. He’d fucked up and he that still angered Chris but at least this time he could understand where this had come from.

“Okay.” Sebastian nodded and looked down at Chris’s hand holding his before looking up at him.

“I’ll be there too.” Chris reassured, not sure what good that would be.

“Okay.”

Chris found his mind all over the place, half listening to questions in the press, half fooling about. The whole time his eyes searching for Sebastian over people’s heads. He didn’t see him till the they were in the theatre and Helen had stuck to her word and not let Sebastian out of her sight. He looked tired and Chris could see the nervous bouncing of his leg and the clenching of his fists. Chris wasn’t sure how he would fair on the stage in front of the crowd.

Chris made his way over to them before they were due to go up in front of the seated crowd; he grabbed Helen’s attention while Mackie talked to Sebastian. “How is he?”

“He did fine, just got this to do, then he can leave.” Helen smiled.

Chris saw Sebastian catch his eye then looked back to Mackie, “I’ll watch him.” He said.

Helen shook her head, “Anna wants him to go back to the hotel.”

Chris knew it was probably the right thing to listen to Anna and Helen, but he was more concerned about Sebastian being alone in a hotel room feeling like he did. “I won’t leave him, just let him enjoy the rest of the night, the pressure is off now.”

“You don’t understand…” Helen started but was drowned out by the music for the casts entrance.

Chris had to put his protest on hold, and he was dragged to the front of the stage. The entire time Chris kept turning to look at Sebastian, there was a sheen of sweat and forced bright smile that made Chris want to brush them away. Anthony stood close to him and Chris was sure he saw a gentle hand on his back.

Once they had left the stage Chris grabbed for Sebastian, his eyes were glazed and not focusing. Chris cold feel dampness of his suit jacket as the sweat seeped through. Helen was right Sebastian couldn’t continue with the night.

“Seb, Helen is going to take you back to the hotel.” Chris said.

Sebastian did his best to focus on Chris and gave him a sad smile. Chris pulled him into a hold, his hand on his back, a hand firmly on his elbow, he could feel Sebastian tuck his face into his neck. “I’ll follow you back ok.” Chris said squeezing his arm.

Sebastian shook his head and lifted it so he could see Chris, “I’ll be ok, enjoy the night.”

Chris reluctantly let Sebastian pull out of his arms, aware they were still surrounded by so many people. Helen stood off the side and smiled as Sebastian approached her, she gave Chris a reassuring nod before guiding Sebastian away.

Chris looked round and the sea of faces and wondered how quickly he could get out of there.

“What’s going on?” Anthony asked coming up next to Chris.

Chris gave a sigh, “He’s wasted.”

“Oh, I know that.” Anthony said.

“It’s not his fault.” Chris started but Anthony shot him a look.

“Rule one with addiction, you don’t make excuses for people.” Anthony said looking at Chris sternly, “If you are trying to help, you have to have your vision at twenty-twenty and you have to be firm.”

“It’s not addiction… his dad just died.” Chris said trying to explain.

“I know, I do.” Anthony moved closer and lowered his voice. “What about the rest of the time?”

Chris shook his head, “He… it’s only… sometimes.”

“Chris,” Anthony said looking at his friend with all sincerity, “You are too close to see the problem and when you do you are turning a blind eye. He’s not starting and stopping this shit, this is all the time, it’s just that you have been distracted by his pretty eyes too long to notice.”

Chris felt sick, part of him knew Anthony was right, but he was ignoring it because he wanted it to not be true. Chris knew the signs, the lying and avoidance, Sebastian always pushing Chris away and it was because he was hiding this part of himself.

“If you want to help him, you got to be honest about what it really going on. Stop getting distracted.”

Chris looked at Anthony lost and unsure, “How do you know this?”

“Dude have you ever really listened to him? Have you spoken to him and listened to what he’s been through?” Anthony placed a hand Chris’s shoulder and squeezed, “This isn’t just about his dad passing away.”

Anthony and Sebastian had spent a lot of time together over the pest few weeks after they had been paired with each other during the press tour. Chris wasn’t sure if Anthony had divulged what he knew about their relationship, but it had made Chris smile when Anthony had confirmed to Chris that he was right with his first instinct, he was a good dude.

So, to hear Anthony talk about Sebastian and what Chris might not have picked up on, he felt a heavy weight in his stomach.

“I gotta go see him.” Chris said looking at Anthony, “I said I’d follow him back.”

Anthony gestured to the bustle round them, “You sure? You are going to be missed, people will notice if you leave, especially with Sebastian already gone.”

Chris ran hand down his face, “Fuck.”

“Look, give it an hour, he’s not on his own. Do what you got to do here and then head back.” Anthony tugged at his shoulder, “Come on, try and enjoy this, just for tonight.”

Chris did his best to make his way through the room of people all desperate to talk to him and get photos. Normally this would be a rewarding night to enjoy the reaction of people seeing the film and for celebrating the achievement of everyone involved. But Chris found himself watching the time, not wanting to be rude to people but eager to get away. More than once Anthony caught his eye and he rescued him from someone keen to hold his attention.

What should have been an hour turned into three and as soon as he was out the door and into the waiting car, he called Sebastian. There was no answer, first call, second or third. Chris tried to think rationally, he must be sleeping or in the shower or just avoiding his calls. All were better options than the reality.

He wasn’t there.

Chris banged firmly on the door, but no one came, he rang Sebastian’s phone again but there was no ringing from behind the door. Chris even tried to the hotel reception, asking them to place a call to the room but there was nothing.

It wasn’t that Chris didn’t think of Sebastian as a grown and capable adult, he wouldn’t normally have given it a second thought if he couldn’t get in touch. And it wasn’t just because Sebastian had been upset or high tonight, there was something else; it sat in the pit of Chris’s stomach, something was wrong, and he knew it. The longer time went on with not being able to get hold of Sebastian the worse the feeling got and crept up his throat making it hard for him to breath.

Chris called his assistant and asked him to get Sebastian’s manager Anna or Helen, he need to know if they had seen him. His next call was to Anthony.

“He’s not here, I don’t know where he is.” Chris said as soon as he picked up.

“You sure he’s not sleeping?”

“No, he’s not here… fuck… I don’t know where to look.” Chris’s voice was strangling with a panic.

“Okay, he could have gone to an after party, a friend, anywhere, it’s nothing to worry about.” Anthony tried to calm him.

“No,” Chris started towards the elevator, “You saw him tonight Anthony, I’ve got to find him.”

Anthony paused thinking back on seeing Sebastian earlier. When he spoke, it was calm and direct, taking charge to the situation and taking a pressure off Chris. “Call his manager…”

“I’ve asked Joe to get her number.” Chris said cutting him off.

“Good, I’ll find out what parties are happening round here. You need to see if you can get hold of any of his friends that live in the area, find out if there is a place he might go, club or bar.”

“Okay,” Chris said hitting the button for ground floor.

“And Chris?” Anthony said, “You got to keep calm, casual enquiries, don’t go worrying anyone, we don’t need a man hunt to find out he’s as the corner store buying smokes.”

Chris took deep breath, Anthony was right, but he couldn’t get that dread to fade.

Chris had got a call back from Helen, she hadn’t sounded quiet as concerned as Chris thought she might, considering it had been her responsibility to make sure he got back to the hotel in the first place. Helen however had it clear in her defence.

“He is a grown man Chris, I can’t lock him in his room, my job was to get him out of the premiere and that’s what I did. What he does after that I can’t control.” Helen stated.

Chris sighed, “I just need to know where to look, where he might go. He’s not picking up his phone.”

“I’ll send on some numbers of friend’s he might have gone to see.” She said. “Judging on what he was like tonight have you tried Marc?”

Chris felt his heart stop for a moment, “Marc? As in that fucking dealer guy?”

“Marc is not the actual dealer.” Helen said, “But he has all the contacts. He owns a number of clubs across the country.”

“He’s a fucking dealer.” Chris growled down the phone, “Where can I find him?”

Helen gave Chris names of a couple of clubs and a number he could call if he wanted to get to him quicker. “Don’t call yourself and don’t go alone. I don’t want to be responsible if you get caught trying to get hooked up.”

“How do you know this? Was it you that introduced Seb to Marc?” Chris asked incredulously.

“Wow…” Sha said her tone was low and irritated. “No, I didn’t, and it’s my job to know this stuff. How else do you think Sebastian’s habit hasn’t been all over the tabloids?” Helen asked accusingly. “You see, Sebastian disappearing like this isn’t that uncommon Chris. This is just another weekend for him.”

Chris felt the burning heat rise in his throat; he could taste the metallic taste of his blood from biting the inside of his cheek. “This is different.” His voice was deep and rough.

“Sure, well, if you don’t have any luck with those contacts, let me know.” Helen said dismissively before hanging up.

Chris shuddered and tried to suck in a deep breath of cool air, in an attempt to ward off the frustration and panic pooling in his chest. He had to find Sebastian, he didn’t care what state he was in, but he had to find him and make sure he was safe and that someone was watching out for him.

Joe, Chris’s assistant pulled up in a car and Chris got in, he wasn’t sure where to start. He gave Joe a list of the names and numbers and they started calling Sebastian’s friends. There were a few unanswered but anyone they spoke too just thought Sebastian would be a the afterparty for the movie and hadn’t expected to hear from him. Chris felt deflated, he only had the clubs and Marc’s number left. He had been so hopeful that he would have been with a friend and that he wouldn’t have to contact Marc.

Chris’s phone rang, it was Anthony. “So, I hear there are a couple of parties tonight one for a new night club, few faces are there but none that are Sebastian. The other party is hosted but the owner of the club at some house in the hills.”

“Let me guess, owners name is Marc?”

“Bingo. Private party, invite only.”

“You got the address?”

“Yeah I’ll send it and I’ll meet you there.” Anthony said before hanging up.

Chris looked to Joe, “Do you think we need an invite?”

“I can call the number we have.” Joe suggested.

“No, let’s just go.” Chris said feeling the urgency going up a notch.

It wasn’t what Chris had expected, in his mind he had pictured something much smaller and secluded but there was security on the gate of the house and up a winding steep driveway was a glass fronted house, crowning the plot.

“Fuck,” Joe said in awe, “How many clubs does this guy own?”

“This guy is not making this off of clubs.” Chris mumbled.

Joe pulled up behind a few cars across from the gate, Chris stared up at the house and wonder how many lives this guy ruined to get it. There was a sharp knock on the opposite window. Both Chris and Joe jumped and turned to see a smiling Anthony.

Chris wound down the window, “I don’t think we can just walk in there.” He said motioning to the gate.

“I could call…” Joe stated.

“It’s ok, I know someone inside.” Anthony said, standing back for Chris to get out the car. Anthony leaned back down to the window, “We won’t be long so just sit tight and if anyone approaches you call Chris.”

Chris had taken off his tie and unbuttoned the top buttons of his shirt. “Is this as dodgy as you are making it feel?”

“This guy is no prince charming, let’s put it that way.” Anthony said pulling Chris across the road towards the gates. “I don’t know how Sebastian would get messed up with this guy.”

“He was in Atlanta.” Chris said giving Anthony a look.

“Might have been giving Sebastian the star treatment.” Anthony said and he could see Chris’s jaw twitch in anger. Anthony slowed down and stopped Chris. “Look we are going in here, making no trouble and getting Sebastian and leaving. That’s it. Fuck Marc. We make no fuss, keep our mouths shout and go.” Anthony stared Chris down.

“Okay.” Chris said squirming under his gaze. “In and out.”

“If you can’t say anything nice, keep your mouth shut. We don’t need to be associated with him or this place, right?”

Chris nodded, “Right.”

Chris kept his head down as Anthony spoke to the security on the gate and the gave a nod as they let them through. The sound of the music got louder the closer they got the top of the drive. Chris wasn’t sure what he expected, people falling round drunk? People dancing and sweaty like they were dancing in a club?

Whatever he might have thought was quickly dispelled as he entered the house, the music had a base, but it was much more chilled out that Chris has anticipated. There were groups of people and talking and laughing, milling a round but all well dressed and varied in age. This was more like a high society party then the frat party Chris had in mind.

They were just in the door when they were offered a flute of champagne from a silver platter held by a boy that Chris was sure wasn’t old enough to drink yet. Chris could see the boy never once looked at him, instead looking straight ahead, not making any eye contact. Something about it chilled Chris and made him eager to get out of there as quick as possible.

“This is not what I expected.” Chris whispered in Anthony’s ear as they made their way through the large entrance hall.

Anthony, who had taken one of the flutes sipped at it as his eyes took in the surroundings. “You don’t expect him to invite club junkies to his home, do you?” Anthony looked at Chris before catching sight of someone over his shoulder. “He only invites the rich ones. Head’s up.”

Chris turned slowly in the direction Anthony was smiling. Chris felt the cold sweat prickle on his skin as he saw Marc approach with a calm smile that Chris didn’t trust and wanted to wipe off his face.

“Anthony.” Marc said holding out his thin wristed hand to shake.

Up close Chris noticed so many things he couldn’t possibly in a dark club, when drunk. Marc was older than Chris had ever thought, maybe late fifties, his hair which always looked to black and sleek had a grey through it that matched his age. His sharp features were shocking and attractive with a healthy glow that gave away the fact he didn’t touch the stuff he was supplying to Sebastian. Chris didn’t care what anyone said, if he was the one that facilitated Sebastian’s habit then he was getting the sole blame for it in Chris’s eyes.

“Marc, right? Thanks for having us.” Anthony said smoothly.

“Anything for Martha, she is a darling.” Marc was fucking British? Chris knew that statement must have been written on his face because when Marc turned to Chris with a light rise of his eyebrow. “And this must be the Captain America everyone gushes about.”

Chris felt a tense in his muscles and wanted to snap the hand that presented to him in two. “Hi.” Chris managed.

“Pleasure.” Marc said given a sharp nod. “Can I get you a drink?”

“I’m just here to get Sebastian.” Chris said bluntly. He could feel Anthony’s eyes boring a hole in him.

“He ditched us for a better party it seems.” Anthony said trying to gloss over Chris’s tone.

Marc clasped his hands in front of him and replied to Anthony while keeping his eyes on Chris and his fidgety stance. “I wasn’t aware he was here, I’m sure I’ve greeted everyone.”

“You wont mind if I look round then?” Chris said locking eyes with Marc. As broad shouldered as Chris was, somehow Marc’s slender frame and height seemed more imposing.

Tilting his head towards Chris in what Chris can only describe as, patronising, Marc spoke in a softer voice so only the three of them could hear. “Thing is dear, I do mind, you are not an invited guest and to have you snooping around my home and invading my guest’s privacy, I could not allow that.”

Chris’s nostrils flared and his jaw sparked with the pressure as he ground down his teeth, stopping himself from losing his head. Anthony placed a hand on the centre of Chris’s chest and nudged him back slightly.

“Look, I apologise for us showing up like this, Chris and I are just a little concerned about our friend.” Anthony said calmly. “We don’t want to disrupt your night or your guests, that’s not our intention. Neither would it be Sebastian’s, but the state he was in tonight, I wouldn’t want him to make a bigger scene later.”

Marc’s calm posture never changed but he listened to Anthony and after a moment, motioned for the young boy that had been offering them drinks to approach. He took the last glass from the tray the boy was holding and instructed him to show Chris to the bar area. “Once you have, please give Mr Mackie a tour of the house, I think he’ll find what he want’s in the guest room.”

Chris looked Marc disbelievingly, but held his tongue when Anthony fixed him with a hard stare. “I’ll be right back.” Anthony said.

“Enjoy your evening gentlemen.” Marc said with a sharp smile and walked calmly up to another group of people and joined their conversation like he had always been a part of it.

The bar was only a few feet from where they were now stood, Chris took few steps towards it in a hope to speed the boy up in showing Mackie where Sebastian was. Chris’s head hurt from the pressure and anger at that he just had for that prick Marc. He was going to lie and turn them way, for what? So, he could pump Sebastian with more shit? The condescending asshole. Chris paced, his whole body vibrating, he cursed under his breath, burning holes in Marc’s back.

The minutes felt like hours, the rhythm of his heart out-beating the slow baseline of the music that filled the air. It wasn’t until he saw the young boy come from along the corridor and approach Marc beside the people, he was talking to that the real panic set in. Chris looked down the corridor and he saw Mackie appear slightly flustered around the corner, looking at Chris and motioning for him to follow. Chris gave a quick glace in Marc’s direction, the boy was talking quietly in his ear. Fuck it. Chris ran down the hall in Anthony’s direction.

“What’s wrong?” Chris said catching up with him.

Anthony pushed open a door to a dull lit room. A den of some sort, there was the heavy smell of smoke and the low couches that reached round the walls of the room, cushions were dishevelled and up ended. It was out of character with what else he had seen of the house. There were still lit cigarettes and joints laying in the ash tray on the centre of the large coffee table. A large sliding door was half open and he could hear some voice’s floating in from that direction. But he couldn’t see Sebastian.

Anthony was already across the room and entering what was a small bathroom. Chris was right behind him, but nothing prepared him from the sight he saw of Sebastian’s laying on his side on the floor. There was he stench of sick in the air and a pool murky liquid close to where Sebastian’s head lay. His skin was white and waxy, his hair wet and scrapped back from his face. The expensive suit he wore making his tangle limbs undistinguishable.

“Chris!” Anthony barked at him knocking him out of his shock.

Chris looked and Anthony knelt beside Sebastian his hand to his neck checking for a pulse and pulling back his eyelids before letting them flutter shut. Chris crawled down beside them he shook at Sebastian’s shoulder and cupped his cheek, he couldn’t hear his own voice for the blood rushing in his ears, the fear gripping him as he called Sebastian’s name over and over.

“Chris,” Anthony said gripping Chris’s chin till he looked at him dead on, his voice was calm but firm. “Call Joe now.” Chris nodded and patted at his pockets for his phone. “Tell him to drive right up the driveway as close to the side of the house as he can.” Anthony instructed.

Chris stopped and looked up from his phone confused. “Shouldn’t I call nine-one-one?”

Anthony looked over Chris’s shoulder to the door of the den. “That’s not going to happen. Call Joe.”

Chris looked back over his shoulder where Anthony had looked, there stood Marc instructing two guys in different directions. “You’re serious?” He said looking back to Anthony, “He’d rather let him die than interrupt a party?” Chris sounded helpless.

“Listen to me,” Anthony started, “He’s breathing, he’s already been sick, that’s a good thing. We want to get him out of here with as little fuss and eyes on him as possible.” Anthony gave Chris a second to filter in what he was saying. “Now, fucking call Joe.”

Chris did, and he instructed him to drive up as Mackie had said.

Chris couldn’t believe this was happening, it felt like a slowed down dream, the haze of smoke, the heat in the room, he could feel his mouth and throat dry and he burn at his eye’s. The image of Sebastian on the floor was haunting and Chris was scared, he knew he should be the one holding him, talking soothingly to him, rubbing his back as more vomit came up but he just watched as Anthony took care of him. He watched as Anthony pressed a cold flannel to his head and wiped the sick way from Sebastian, not letting him roll on to his back.

Chris suddenly felt Joe at his side, and they stepped forward. Both Joe and Mackie got Sebastian upright, his head lolled, and a groan escaped him, it wasn’t a good sound, but it was something to indicate he was near consciou2sness. Anthony stopped for moment and told Joe to help him put Sebastian over his shoulder in a firemen’s lift. It wasn’t dignified but nothing about this was.

Chris followed them towards the sliding door leading outside. He wouldn’t have turned around if he hadn’t heard the voice, breeze over to him. “Have a good night gents.” Marc voice came out in a singsong tone.

Chris lost it and turned launching himself at Marc, even with Joe fast on his tail, he was too late. A fist swung and his connected with a nose and it was Marc’s fist in Chris’s face. Maybe he had moved as slow as he felt the time was moving but he was caught off guard, punished before he could make a bigger mistake. Joe growled in Chris ear to move, he pulled at him and Chris complied holding his bloody nose.

There was no sympathy for Chris and his stupidity, he didn’t need it or want it. All he wanted was to get Sebastian out of there and to a hospital. To his relief that was exactly what they did. The windows in the car were down, Sebastian lay with his head in Chris’s lap. Chris squeezed at his shoulder and raked his fingers through his damp hair. He could feel his shallow breaths and hear the gentle groans escape. Chris whispered to him that it was ok, he was going to be ok, they were going to look after him. “You aren’t alone Seb, I’m here.” Chris choked.

Anthony looked over the back of the passenger seat and handed Chris back his phone. He called Helen and Anna and told them what had happened and where they were heading. Anna said, she’d meet them at the hospital, she’d phone ahead.

Chris felt useless once again when they reached the hospital. Sebastian was ripped him his grasp and taken away, Anthony was giving the nurse a run down of the events and while he couldn’t be sure, gave her a possible run down of what he might have taken.

Chris only seemed to come to when he realised, he was standing in the middle of a private waiting room. The sound of the door made him turn, it was Anthony holding a couple of plastic cups of water and a tissue. He handed Chris one of the cups and watched as Chris’s hand fought to keep from shaking, he quickly clasped his other hand round it to stop if spilling.

“Here,” Anthony said edging Chris towards a seat. “Sit. Drink that one. This one is to clean up your nose.”

Chris sipped at the cup and hissed at the unexpected warmth of the tissue stinging at his nose. Anthony ignored him and continued to wipe at the dried blood.

“I had a cousin, he was 3 years older than me, he used to hang out with a rough crowd.” Anthony said as he worked. “He used to come to our house when he got in a fight, my mom would never ask any questions, never scolded him for getting involved, she would just clean him up and send him home again.” Anthony sat back and looked at his handy work. “Her theory was no matter what, he had a safe place to go. My uncle would have killed him with his own bare hands if he knew who he was messing with.”

“When he didn’t show up one night my aunt was frantic, so was my mum. They scoured the neighbourhood looking for him.” Anthony’s head dropped and he focused on the cup of bloody water in his head. “When the police found him, he was unrecognisable. The police knew he was part of a gang, but it was all news to his mother and father.” Anthony looked at Chris who watched him closely. “My mom was the only on that knew and she blamed herself… she blamed herself for just patching him up and sending him back out there. She blames herself for not telling her sister and her husband, what he was messed up in. She blamed herself for not being harder and trying to make him listen.” Anthony swallowed thickly. “The thing is just because you love someone, it’s not always enough to save them, sometimes there’s got to be tough love, you have to be cruel to be kind. Otherwise you are just enabling them.”

Chris let his eyes close and his tears fall, he knew Anthony was right and he knew that was what Chris was going, had been doing. Ignoring the bad and embracing the good. Tonight, Sebastian could have… Chris didn’t want to finish the thought. He opened his eyes and looked back at Anthony.

“You saved him tonight.” Chris said his voice rough and emotional. “I don’t know what I would have done if you hadn’t been there, he might have been dead right now.”

“Hey!” Anthony said hitting Chris on the arm. “Let’s not do that, he’s fine, he’s going to be fine.” But he shook his head. “He need’s help Chris, proper help.”

Chris nodded, “I know.”

“That might not involve you, or whatever you guys have right now.” Anthony said breaking it to him. “He needs to do this himself, for himself.”

Chris couldn’t speak because of the burn in his throat as he tried to swallow choking on a breath. Anthony shed his jacket and wrapped his arms round Chris’s shoulder and held him tight as a shudders and sobs rippled through Chris. They sat holding each other till Chris couldn’t cry anymore.

It seemed like time wasn’t moving and with little word as to what was happening it drove Chris insane. Anthony had told him to go get his nose checked by one the doctors, but he was scared to leave the room in case he missed an update. He had leapt to his feet as the door to the waiting room hand opened and a tired looking Anna came in. Gone was her normal, power attire, replaced with jeans and t-shirt, he hair normally floating round her face was pulled back in a bun and her clear eyes, red and watery.

She gave a smile to both of them as she entered, she didn’t stop till she had pulled Chris into a firm but short hug, she turned, and Anthony stood up and did the same. She stood back, holding her phone in her hand and looking to the ceiling until she had gathered herself. No one spoke waiting on her to say something, when she did, her tone was as business like as Chris had always known her.

“Sebastian is fine, he is awake but needing some rest. They are keeping him in. They are also wanting him to talk to a someone before they will release him.” She flickered her eyes between the Chris and Anthony.

“You don’t think… this wasn’t?” Chris asked aghast at they would even imply this wasn’t an accident.

“No.” Anna said firmly. “I don’t and he promises me it wasn’t.” She nodded in thought. “It’s just routine.”

“So, he’ll get out tomorrow?” Anthony asked.

“Yes.” Anna smiled. “He is flying home tomorrow to spend a few days with his family while I arrange some help for him.”

“Help?” Chris echoed. “As in… rehab?”

Anna dropped her gaze and softened her shoulders, “I have known Sebastian since he his late teens and I have watched him develop into the kindest and sweetest person I know, he gives to much of himself to others but never asks for much back.” Anna looked up at Chris. “He’s dealt with a few demons, but it has never been this bad. I try to protect what he has worked for because it’s the only thing he gives himself, it makes him happy. I don’t want to see him ruin everything. I don’t want him to risk it for nothing.”

Chris listened carefully and felt a heat of defence rise in him. “Are you blaming me for this? You think I wanted this to happen?”

Anna shock her head, “No on the contrary, you both saved his life tonight.” She gave Anthony a fond smile but when she returned her attention back to Chris, he felt the air cooling. “He need’s time to deal with this, without distractions. He comes first.”

Chris threw his head back and turned way, he took a moment to take in what Anna was saying, he rubbed his hands over his face and turned back to her. “So, you are telling me to walk away from him, when he needs people most?” His hands sat on his hips accusingly. “I’m just to forget any feelings I have and leave him with no one.”

“He has people, clear and defined relationships that will support him through this.” Anna said.

“Oh, fuck you!” Chris spat. “You don’t know what we have.”

Anna hugged an arm round her torso and pressed her fingers to her lips taking a moment for Chris to calm down. “This is not a personal attack on you Chris.” She put her hand up to stop Chris so she could finish. “I don’t think Sebastian knows what you have together. I don’t think you do either.”

Chris opened his mouth to say something back, but the words were lost on his lips, he didn’t have a response, because it was true. He looked at Anthony who gave him a sad smile. “I know how I feel about him.” He said barely audible.

“Then you have to let him go. You have to let him get better.” Anna said softly.

Chris stood in the corridor before Sebastian’s hospital room door. His head was spinning, and his heart was heavy. It had been one of the longest most exhausting nights of his life. When he closed his eyes, he could still see Sebastian on the floor, his face pale and lifeless body. Even knowing now that he was ok couldn’t take the image away.

The words of both Anna and Anthony ran through his head. Sebastian needed help, he needed it now and he needed the complications in his life to be extracted. It that what he was? A complication? Chris didn’t think so. Okay so they never spoke about what they were, or what they were really doing. But so what? There was such a thing as a causal relationship.

Of course, he wanted more, he loved him, he just didn’t allow himself to think about it. If he thought about it, he’d want to talk about it and that in turn would only chase Sebastian away and so the cycle would start again. But now he was viewed as a complication, adding to the trouble in Sebastian’s life, and now it wasn’t just Sebastian pushing him away but other people wanting him to distance himself.

Fuck. If only he knew, if only Sebastian would open up, he could be there for him, help him, they could do this together.

Chris knocked the door and entered without waiting. He stalled at the door; he was sure Sebastian was asleep, but his head turned when there was silence.

“Can I come in?” Chris asked closing the door behind him anyway.

Sebastian looked awful, his skin so pale, the dark circles round his eyes, his lips were split and red. He ran a nervous hand thought his hair which was slick with grease. Chris watched as he clasped his hand in the other, one had a cannula in the back of it, hooked up to a bag of clear liquid. Chris tried not to let his eyes settle on anything in particular, seeing as Sebastian was already fidgeting.

Chris pulled up a seat by the bed and sat down and gave a strained smile. “How you doing?”

Sebastian gave him a quick side glance and then back to his hands. “Awful.”

Chris bit back the urge to say he looked it. “I’m just glad you’re ok.”

“Chris…” Sebastian voice was hoarse and low, “I’m sorry.”

Chris scrubbed his hands over his face and groaned. “I want to scream at you, I want to shout and curse and tell you what an idiot you are but…” He looked at Sebastian who caught his eye. “I don’t think it’s going to help.” He tilted his head and scooted forward in his seat till his knees were touching the bed. “Please just tell me what I can do to help, how can I make this better.”

Sebastian gave him a confused look. “It’s not your fault, you didn’t do anything.”

“Seb, why didn’t you call me instead of going there to… fucking Marc’s house.” Chris spoke though gritted teeth.

Sebastian didn’t answer, instead he just shook his head and cleared his throat.

“I want to help Seb, please.”

“Anna is arranging rehab.” Sebastian said shifting.

“I know.”

“I’m going to go home first.”

“Yeah Anna said.” Chris said nodding along to Sebastian’s monotone.

“I’ll get the help I need.”

Chris bit his tongue, he could hear what Sebastian was saying it was verbatim from what Anna must have said to him.

“Sebastian, look at me.” Chris said reaching out for his hand. Sebastian let him take it and watched and Chris squeezed it and rubbed at it. “Sebastian.” He looked up, his eyes pooling with tears.

“You don’t have to do this alone, I will be there for you, if you want me to.” Chris need to hear it, he needed to hear that Sebastian needed him, that what Anna had said wasn’t true.

“What happened to your face?” Sebastian said wiping the tears away with his other hand.

Chris shook his face frustrated. “Marc punched me.” Chris said dismissively.

“What, fuck, Chris why?” Sebastian asked.

“It doesn’t matter, I was angry, and he got me first.” Chris said. “He would have let you die if Anthony hadn’t of got him to let us look round that house.”

Sebastian cursed and let his head crash against the pillow that was propping him up. “You guys could have got into trouble, what if someone seen you there?” he said looking back at Chris.

“So what?” Chris asked disbelievingly. “Seb, none of that matters. What matters is you. We came for you, because we care.” Chris reached and touched Sebastian’s cheek. “I care Seb, I… Seb, please just tell me and I’ll be there.”

They stared at each other the air in the room seemed to be sucked out and the sudden seriousness of what Chris was saying, what he was asking made Sebastian’s chest rise and fall quickly.

“I’m going to get help.” Sebastian’s words tumbled from his lips as did the tears from his eyes. “Anna’s arranging rehab.”

Chris hung his head and felt the sting of tears from the tip of his nose to the burn in his cheeks. He let his hand fall from Sebastian’s cheek. He knew it was too late, Sebastian had the mantra in his head that Anna had told him. He had closed the door on Chris being part of that, part of his journey of recovery. It wasn’t open for discussion; it never had been and now it was over. Chris knew it was selfish to ask, to make he make a choose at this point. He just didn’t want to lose him, but he knew he had to let him go. Sebastian had to get better.

Chris looked up at Sebastian, he was destroyed, the last week and been enough, he didn’t need this on top of it. “I’ll always be a there, if you need me, no matter what.” Chris forced through his tears. “I love you Seb.” He saw Sebastian open his mouth to say something, but Chris was quick to cut him off. “Nothing will change that.”

Chris stood up and lent over and pressed a kiss to Sebastian’s head. He could feel Sebastian cling to the hand he held and his body heave with a sob. Chris pulled his head in to the crook neck and scratch is nails gently on his scalp.

“I’m sorry.” Sebastian whispered.

“Don’t be, there’s nothing to be sorry for. You are going to be ok.” Chris said pressing another kiss to his head before pulling back and wiping the tears from his own cheeks.

Gently Chris pulled his hand from Sebastian’s, “Get some rest.”

Sebastian nodded and rested his head back on the pillow.

Chris waited until he was alone in his home that night, the door closed firmly behind him before he let out the guttural scream of pain that had built up in him that night. He had so nearly lost Sebastian tonight and despite the relief that he was going to be ok, he had still lost him anyway.

\--

Boston 2019

Chris stared out at the runway from the private lounge, he had done his best to forget about everything and concentrate on the task as hand. He was due to fly out to join the press junket in Singapore. Scott had got him to the airport and had done his best to distract him when Chris had said no to discussing what was wrong.

“You are making me nervous, sit down.” Scott said from behind a magazine.

Chris looked at him, “Yeah you look so stressed.”

“Shut up and sit down.” Scott said looking him over. The state he had found his brother in when he had reached his house had scared him, he hadn’t seen him like that in a long time.

“I’m good.” He turned back to the window.

Scott didn’t miss the jump in Chris’s calm when his phone rang, fumbling as he pulled it from his pocket and taking a deep breath before putting it to his ear. “Yeah.” He answered curtly. Scott watched Chris nodded forgetting that he couldn’t be seen. “Yeah, ok I can do that. Right. Fine. Bye.” He hung up the phone and turned to Scott.

“What is it?” Scott asked when Chris said nothing for a long moment.

“They are arranging a sit down for us and our lawyers.”

“Who?” Scott asked.

“Sebastian.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The song that goes with this chapter is - Mumford and Son's - Believe.
> 
> Thanks again <3


	6. Six

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The aftermath of Sebastian's rehab has Chris heartbroken, but there are hopes for a fresh start.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading and please let me know what you think. :)

New York 2019

“I remember how nervous Chris was to see you after you came out of rehab.” Anthony said, taking a short puff on his cigar and letting the smoke billow out round himself and Sebastian.

Anthony had called Sebastian to meet up, a pre-premiere get together before they had to fly to LA. It was also a check-in to make sure Sebastian was ready for the week ahead and that there was not going to be any kind of repeat from years gone by. Both Sebastian and Oliver had joined Anthony and a friend for dinner, as pleasant as it was just shooting the shit, Anthony didn’t miss the unusual reserved nature of Oliver.

There had been no discussion of the recent events and revelations, something Anthony thought must be a welcome relief for Oliver, but he could see it was there, in the back of his mind. Excusing himself early in the night, Oliver had explained he had a meeting to prepare for the following morning, he had given Sebastian a brief kiss goodbye, with Sebastian holding on fast to his hand; that hadn’t gone unnoticed by Anthony either.

Once Anthony’s friend had followed suit and said his goodbyes it left just the two of them free to talk, something Sebastian felt sick of doing lately.

“Why was he nervous?” Sebastian asked after a moment, surprised by Anthony’s sudden admission about Chris.

“He thought you were going to change so much that you wouldn’t be the Sebastian he knew.” Anthony sipped at the rich liquid in his glass and looked out at the city from the roof top bar. “He was scared that he had never met the sober Sebastian before, and thought he might be a dick.”

Sebastian laughed at that and looked sideways at Anthony taking a sip from his own glass, his first of the night. “Do you think he was disappointed with sober me?”

Anthony thought on it for a moment before replying, “At first yeah. You showed up with that insanely hot chick and gave her all the credit for your recovery.”

Sebastian sighed and tilled his head shaking it, he was eager to defend himself, but Anthony stopped him before he could. “I think sober Sebastian just reminded him of all the reasons he loved you and why he had had to let go.”

Sebastian felt a deep ache in his core hearing those words. “I was scared too.” Sebastian said looking at the liquid in his glass. “I was scared I’d lost him.”

Anthony rested an arm along the back of the seat and watched Sebastian. “What’s going on with Oliver, he was so quick out of here tonight.”

“I told him about what happened, what led up to the rehab.” Sebastian explained.

“What did he say?”

Sebastian sat back and the confusion that he felt etched itself over his face. “Not much. He just listened.” He turned to looking at Anthony, “The only thing he asked was why I didn’t say anything back, when Chris said he loved me.” Sebastian shrugged. “I explained it was all so muddled. I was in hospital and that I didn’t take it as the declaration of love it was meant to be.” Sebastian’s brow knitted, “He got annoyed at that. Like I was lying, but he didn’t say any more about it.”

Anthony nodded, “It’s hard to hear your partner talk about an ex at the best of times, but to hear there was love involved.”

“He knew there was love involved, he just seemed to take offence at this discussion of it.” Sebastian a gulp of his drink.

Anthony gnawed on the end of his cigar thoughtfully, “Have you told Oliver you love him?”

Sebastian looked up surprised, “What?” He shook his head, “No, no, we aren’t there yet, it’s…”

“Think about it Sebastian,” Anthony started, reaching over and knocking the ash from his cigar into the ashtray. “You and Oliver had been together for a while now; he’s been there for you through good and bad. Now this comes along, and he has to listen to you talking about a relationship that’s had bigger highs and lows than his own.” Anthony gestured with his hands wildly, emphasising his point. “And even after Chris saved your life that night, you still couldn’t say that you loved him.” He watched as Sebastian took in his words. “How can he compete with that?”

Sebastian dipped his head and tried to take in what Anthony was saying. He knew back then how he felt about Chris and ok he hadn’t said anything because it hadn’t been the right time. He didn’t regret it and he was sure Chris didn’t either. It had been hard, on both of them, but it was never going to be the time to admit feelings when he was about to go into rehab.

Oliver was different, it wasn’t that the timing was bad, or there weren’t feelings it was just… fuck he didn’t love him that way.

“I still love Chris.” Sebastian said clearing his throat, “I’m not over him and I can’t think about feeling that for someone else when I’m still consumed by him.”

“I think Oliver knows that.” Anthony said after a long pause.

Sebastian gave a little shiver and put his glass down. “Maybe after this week, when we’ve spoken to each other and put some of this stuff away then, I can move on.” He looked up at Anthony, hoping for some reassurance but he couldn’t see it in his face.

Anthony opened his mouth to say something but snapped it shut and simply nodded instead, “Hopefully.”

Anyway,” Sebastian said with a smirk, “You’re giving Chris an awful lot of credit for saving my life.”

“Details, details.” Anthony said waving it off.

Anthony wanted to be more encouraging about their upcoming meeting, but he knew where Chris’s head was at, more so from hearing from his brother. Scott had accompanied Chris on the Asian press tour for Endgame and while Chris was being upbeat and putting on a professional and calm front, Scott could see the jangling nerves and muddled thoughts clogging up his mind.

Scott had called Anthony and relayed what Chris had told him about the sit down with lawyers over the story and script Chris had written. Anthony hadn’t been shocked, more disappointed it was going to come to this. As much as he had tried to reassure Scott it would be ok, Scott had his own reservations from dealing with a broken-hearted Chris before.

When Chris had first told Scott about what had happened to Sebastian after the premiere of Winter Soldier, Scott had been dumbfounded. Never would he have thought that Sebastian would have been involved with drugs. What had shocked Scott further after a few weeks of Chris moping and watching his phone like it was a lifeline, it became obvious that it was more then just worry for a friend that Chris was harbouring.

Scott didn’t want to push Chris into admitting anything that he wasn’t ready to say but he did his best to drop in the fact he was well aware of Chris’s attraction to Sebastian. He had found a picture of Sebastian online, shirtless and made a deal of commenting on it.

“Wow, I can see why you like this guy.” Scott said.

Chris had merely looked up and frowned, “What?”

“Sebastian.” Scott said, seeing Chris’s interest pick up.

Chris got up and looked over Scott’s shoulder at the phone, “What about him?”

“Let’s just say, if you hadn’t already gone there, I might have jumped him myself.” Scott had looked up at and saw it written all over Chris’s face. “Oh my god!”

“Shut up!” Chris said hitting the back his Scott’s head.

“Ouch! Just because you are pining over him don’t take it out on me.”

“I’m not pining!” Chris defended.

Scott had all he needed to finally understand what was going on. He looked at the picture one more time and commented. “He is hot.”

“I know.” Chris said quietly not looking up from his own phone.

\--

It had taken nearly two months for Chris to just pick up the phone and call Sebastian after the night of the premiere. They had messaged frequently when Sebastian had got home from rehab and it had made Chris feel relief that there was no awkwardness between them despite never actually talking to each other. It was a daily contact that Chris had missed when Sebastian had been away. All Chris wanted to know was how he was doing, did he need anything, what was he up to and maybe some chat about the latest boxset he’d been watching.

So, when he finally bit the bullet and picked up the phone to call Sebastian, he did it before he could talk himself out of it. When Sebastian had picked up the phone he was out of breath and there was the distinct clanking sound in the background to make Chris aware he’d interrupted a session at the gym.

“Hey, I can call back later.” Chris stated, just happy to have heard Sebastian’s voice for a second.

“It’s ok, I was just about to finish up. What’s up?” Sebastian panted down the line.

Chris paused trying to get his brain in gear. “Guess I was just wanting to check in, see how you are, forgotten what you sound like.” Chris felt a flutter in his stomach as Sebastian chuckled.

“I’m good.” Sebastian started. “I have a meeting with my therapist this afternoon. You’d like her.”

“Oh yeah? Why’s that?”

“She’s originally from Boston, it’s a good thing I do most of the talking, her accent is unintelligible.”

“Whatever!” Chris defended as Sebastian laughed.

“Then heading out tonight, friend’s birthday.” Sebastian said finishing listing his day for Chris.

“Oh,” Chris said with a token of concern, “How do you feel about that?”

“I’m fine Chris.” Sebastian quickly soothed. “It’s dinner with friends, there’s not going to be lines of coke on the table as an appetizer.”

“I don’t eat out in New York often, how am I to know that’s not the new thing.” Chris joked.

“Don’t play the country bumpkin card.” Sebastian said flatly and chuckling as Chris mumbled defensively.

“I’m sorry,” He said once the they fell silent. “I didn’t mean for it to sound like I… I dunno.” Chris stumbled over his words.

“It’s ok.” Chris could hear the smile in Sebastian’s voice.

“I’d like to catch up with you properly.”

“Me too. In fact, I’d like to do something for both you and Anthony.” Sebastian, felt his voice go, choked by the lump there. “I’d like to do something to thank you both for everything.”

“You don’t need to.” Chris said trying to not let his mind go back to the night they found him, passed out lifeless on the floor. “I think the fact you’re ok and doing well it enough of a thanks.”

“Really? Because Anthony has already given me a breakdown of places he wants to frequent at my expense when he comes to New York next.”

Chris laughed, “All at your expense huh?”

“Yeah, he’s sent me a short list of shows and times last night for me to book.” Sebastian chuckled.

“A boy’s day out?”

“Seems like it.”

Chris hummed, “I’m in!”

The high he had got from the call had lasted the week, but as time went on and their schedules grew busier, it became obvious that their boy’s day wasn’t going to happen.

Chris was working in the studio with the editor of his film, Before We Go. As much as Chris had enjoyed his time filming it, watching it back now, so many of the memories were intertwined with Sebastian and the weeks they had spent together while Chris wasn’t working on set.

He hadn’t lied when he had said it had been perfect; Chris wished he could just go back to those two weeks before it all began to fall apart. Chris could hide in his ignorance of Sebastian’s problems and there was no pressure on them to admit their feelings.

Once he had completed the film and it was ready to show, the first person he thought of was Sebastian, he wanted him to the see it before others but Chris wasn’t sure if it would be a good idea to remind him of that time either. So, he didn’t.

A few weeks later, Chris was back on set of the latest Avengers film and hiding out in his new dwelling place; Anthony’s trailer. He had found it a good place to go when people were looking for him and he wasn’t ready to face the day. Anthony hadn’t minded at first, but it was becoming a daily occurrence where he would come in and find Chris brooding or overtaking his couch in slumber.

“Okay, what is it this time?” Anthony said when he saw Chris laid out on his couch and staring at his phone.

“Do you know who this is?” Chris said holding out his phone to Anthony.

Anthony grabbed the phone and looked at the picture which was obviously a paparazzi shot of Sebastian walking down the street. “What is this? You stalking him now?” Anthony said throwing the phone back onto Chris chest.

Chris knew it was a bad idea to show Anthony, he knew it was a bad idea to look Sebastian up online at all but if it was right there what did it matter? Did he like seeing paparazzi pictures of himself? No. But it was the first thing that came up on his search. He had also looked up Sebastian’s Instagram and watched some videos of him at the gym. If he was putting them up there for the world to see, that wasn’t stalking. Was it?

“He’s your friend, call him, facetime him, don’t looking him up online.” Anthony said dismissively.

“I do call him,” Chris said sitting up. “But there is something he’s not saying. I’m worried.”

Anthony looked at him Chris curiously, “What? What’s worrying you?”

Chris and Sebastian hadn’t talked once about their relationship or where they stood. Chris knew he had told Sebastian how he felt, and he knew it wasn’t to be returned. It didn’t kill Chris’s hope that there might still be something, but he was left to assume that whatever he and Sebastian had had, it was over. It hurt, but he had made Sebastian a promise to be there for him no matter what, so he buried those feelings deep down and wallowed to Anthony every chance he got. What he found too hard bury and deal with was the subtle and frequent mention Sebastian made of Ashley. Which had led him to snooping in the first place.

From what Chris had gathered from their conversations -none of which were directly about Ashley- was that they had met through a friend and frequented the same gym and spent as much time together as Chris wishes he could spend with Sebastian. Chris wasn’t sure if she was just a friend that was supporting him through a rough time, or if she was a lot more.

“Is he seeing someone?” Chris asked Anthony.

Chris saw it in Anthony’s face before he got the chance to hide it, “Ask him.” Was his response.

“He told you?” Chris pushed.

“I’m not doing this Chris; you have to speak to him yourself.” He deflected.

“Ashley, is that the girl in the picture with him.” He said holding up the picture again. “He’s mentioned her but not said, directly that he’s seeing her.”

Anthony looked at his friend, lost and broken by it all, it wasn’t fair he deserved to know more than what Sebastian was telling him. He let out a sigh and took the phone again and looked at the picture. “Yes, and that’s her.”

Chris felt a wave of nausea and his heart drop to the pit of his stomach. It shouldn’t have been a surprise; he knew before asking but the thought that everything they had had together was nothing and no more was too much. The sober Sebastian didn’t want Chris, maybe he never really had wanted him, and it had all just been part of the thrill, doing something or someone like Chris because his reality was never clear.

It hurt more then walking away from Sebastian after telling him how he felt. It hurt even more because he hadn’t acknowledged what Chris had said that night. Now he wasn’t going to tell him that he was moving on. Once again Chris felt like he never really knew who Sebastian was, no matter how close they had been.

All the calls and messages, it made Chris feel stupid, like he was being played, like he was the only idiot that didn’t know what was really going on and was counting on other people to tell him. Anthony must have sensed Chris’s thoughts because he was quick to defend Sebastian.

“He’s just doing what he thinks everyone expects him to do Chris. This isn’t a reflection on what you had.”

“Are you saying this is fake?” Chris choked.

“I’m saying, a broken heart could put him in a bad place, maybe Ashley is what he needs to get over that.” Anthony reasoned.

“Wait a minute.” Chris got up and stalked across the room. “You think he’s with someone else to get over me, or what we had, when I’m here!” He pointed down to himself emphasising his point. “I’m right here. He doesn’t need to get over it. It doesn’t need to be over.”

“Doesn’t it?” Anthony asked. “Do you really think that you are both such a good fit that you should be together? Have you even asked him that?”

“I told him I love him. What more is needed?”

“He need’s support to deal with his addiction, he need’s friends that are going to be there no matter what.” Anthony said firmly trying to talk sense into Chris. “What he doesn’t need, is this Chris, you can’t force him to feel the same way that you do. For what it’s worth, I’m as surprised about Ashley as you are. Whenever I talk to him all he does is ask about you.” Anthony placed a hand on Chris’s shoulder and watched his anger deflate. “He knows he has hurt you; I think he’s just trying to let you go and move on so not to hurt you anymore.”

Chris swallowed the lump in his throat and wiped at the tears from his cheeks. “I didn’t want to let go.”

“I know, but you gotta decided if you can move on, like he is.” Anthony said softly.

Over the next few weeks Chris did his best to move on, unable to keep letting himself feel like he had over the past months. He still spoke to Sebastian regularly, but he never mentioned Ashley. Chris felt that was down to Sebastian to as least tell him. Chris began to let the time he spoke to Sebastian become shorter and the time between grow longer. It was too hard to maintain the pretence he was happy when his heart was broken. He needed to get over it so he could face Sebastian when he would see him in the next couple months when filming would begin.

The plan for Chris to get over Sebastian was to follow his lead; he was going to focus on someone new. That was how Chris found himself at home during his downtime with Isabella, a makeup artist he had shamelessly flirted with during a photoshoot for GQ. It wasn’t his finest hour, he hadn’t romanced her, hadn’t made any sweeping gestures, he had made a flirtatious joke that she had laughed and smiled at him sweetly and he had taken advantage of his own pull and slept with her that night.

He had continued to hook up with her for weeks after, calling her when he needed distracting. More than once he had woken with a smile on his face, the memories of a hard body against his, that fading only to be comforted by Isabella’s small delicate frame. Chris didn’t make any effort to hide what they had, which was thin in terms of a relationship, but he also didn’t want to divulge any information or label it either.

Chris had been made aware that there were photos doing the rounds of him kissing Isabella as they got into his car after leaving a burger joint. His reaction to them being posted was one of no concern, it didn’t matter, it wasn’t that important. He felt nothing for the relationship, so a few pictures meant very little. What shook Chris was the message he got from Sebastian a few days after they had been published.

_Sebastian: You look happy. _

Chris had been flustered and stared at the message for too long before replying.

_Chris: Nothing special._

He felt even more stupid by his reply. He knew how he had felt when he had seen the picture of Sebastian with Ashley. He hadn’t commented on it but maybe Sebastian wasn’t aware of it or would think that Chris would have seen it. There was a part of Chris though that made him wonder if Sebastian was feeling how Chris had felt. Was he hurt? Did it surprise him? Did he want Chris to tell him it meant nothing?

_Sebastian: Not long until training starts. Will be god to catch up with everyone._

_Chris: Yeah, not long._

Chris felt deflated and cancelled seeing Isabella that night, and for the foreseeable future.

There was a crossover of promotion for the new Avengers movie and the preproduction of the next Captain American film. Chris felt he was being pushed and pulled all over the place with his schedule and while he has grown used to the set up of the films, he hated missing everyone arriving in Atlanta before the shoot. When he had seen the extensive filming schedule, he could feel the pressure of it all building up.

It had been Joe, Chris’s assistant that had suggested a small get together with the people that had arrived so far, it would coincide with the football and it might cheer Chris up a bit.

“It will be good; you can unwind and catch up.” Joe said listing down bunch of names.

Chris wasn’t someone that needed encouraged to have people over, but his mood has been so low over the last few months that he just wanted to hide away and avoid the inevitable; seeing Sebastian.

“Do you know who is in town already?” Chris asked shifting in the seat.

They were waiting to board their plane to Atlanta, after a quick stop over in LA where Chris had had a meeting about a different project. Keeping busy his only savour.

“You can be specific,” Joe said looking up with a smirk. “Sebastian is already there.”

“Alone?” Chris asked.

“I don’t know, do you want me to open up the invite?”

Chris thought about it, he couldn’t avoid asking Sebastian and he couldn’t be rude and ask only Sebastian if he was there with someone else. “This is a bad idea.”

Joe looked at Chris defeated. “Why don’t we leave it then, arrange it for another time.” 

“Maybe just don’t have it at the house, that way I can leave at any time.” Chris mumbled in thought.

Joe laughed and then snapped his mouth shut when Chris looked at him with a scowl. “It’s just you are normally the last to leave.”

“Yeah well, I don’t want to have to sit a whole night with Sebastian, all loved up with his new girlfriend.” Chris said feeling the ache in this chest.

Joe closed over his laptop and sighed. “You don’t even know how serious it is. If he’s not even mentioned it, how serious can it be?”

“It’s not that simple,” Chris wanted to explain more, how he felt, what he thought was going on, but he didn’t. “Just make it at a bar or something.” Chris said with a sad smile.

It had been the right call, most the cast and crew that were already in Atlanta had descended on one of their regular bars. People were coming and going through the night and after a few drinks Anthony and whispered to Chris that Sebastian had arrived, and he wasn’t alone. Chris acknowledged the news but didn’t weaver from the conversation he was having with Paul and Will part of the stunt team, but it didn’t stop his eyes traveling over the room and catching sight of Sebastian.

The thought Chris was trying to express was gone, his voice was caught in his throat and a sudden heat flushed over him. Sebastian looked different, he looked good, he looked healthy and big, so much more imposing than he could ever remember him. His usual short hair was longer, tucked behind his ear, the smile that was on his face looked genuine and brought a light to his eyes.

“…I sorry I forget what I was saying.” Chris said trying to regain his composure.

Chris had tried to string the conversation out as much as possible, but he could see Sebastian making his way over out the corner of his eye. He looked up a and trailed off from what he was saying. Both Paul and Will were quick to embrace Sebastian and give him a welcome Chris wasn’t sure he could.

“I heard they had to size you up for a new arm.” Paul said gripping firmly a Sebastian’s bicep.

Sebastian blushed and cringed, unable to take any of the compliments that they were openly giving him. “I have to keep up with guys like this.” Sebastian said motioning to Chris.

Chris knew he was smiling, he couldn’t help himself seeing a happy Sebastian in front of him, such a difference from the last time they have been in the same room. He was still Sebastian, but it was like he was a new version but just as sweet. Chris could sense the hesitance in Sebastian’s movements and the way his eyes flicked to Chris’s nervously. Despite his own anxiety Chris had the overwhelming urge and pulled Sebastian into a bear hug.

“Hey bud.” Chris let out in breath.

Sebastian gave Chris a tight squeeze back, “Hey.”

There was a moment when he knew he had to let go but the voice behind Sebastian was like a cold bucket of ice, breaking the moment.

“Sebastian, you need to introduce me.” Her voice was like a sing song and it nothing more than polite.

Sebastian let go but didn’t take his eyes from Chris, “Ashley this is Chris, Chris, I’d like you to meet Ashley.”

Chris knew he couldn’t blame his staring on a haze of alcohol, he had barely had two sips of his first beer of the night, but they weren’t to know that. He shook himself and held out his hand and greeted her as best he could, without letting his true feelings play over his face.

He wasn’t sure what he had imagined Ashley was going to look like, but he couldn’t deny how beautiful she was. The soft features of her face and dark eyes and dark hair pulled back into a slick ponytail, she looked casual in just a t-shirt and skinny jeans pulled tight round her athletic curves. Chris could see where the attraction lay but it didn’t make it any easier.

“Nice to meet you.” Chris smiled.

“It’s really nice to meet you, Sebastian speaks about you all the time.” Ashley said with an open and honest smile.

Chris couldn’t return the compliment and he could see Sebastian begin to shift uncomfortably. Chris sighed dramatically. “Whatever Sebastian has told you about me being a cheat on Nintendo, it’s bullshit, and I did not watch Gossip Girl and I have never been jealous of his hair… okay well maybe now but that doesn’t count.” Chris tutted and rolled his eyes for comic effect.

The both laughed and Chris could feel Sebastian’s eyes on him. “You are the worst cheat I know.”

Chris took a sip of his beer and shook his head, “Sore loser.” He muttered with a smile.

Chris felt he had done well to deflect any possible uncomfortable meeting, but it was all helped by Anthony coming over and introducing himself. The beer that had gone warm in Chris’s hand was quickly replaced by a cold one and he did his best not to be left on his own with Sebastian as the night grew on, talking and drinking faster than he intended.

There was only a handful of people left by the time the bar was closing. Anthony looking merry, came over and gave Chris a firm hug. “You did well tonight man.”

“Yeah wasn’t too bad.” He said returning the smile.

They both looked over to where Sebastian sat talking animatedly to Paul and with Ashley at his side. They hadn’t been overly affectionate, in fact Chris wasn’t sure you would know they were together until now. Ashley sat flush against Sebastian, her head resting gently on his shoulder and Sebastian lent his arm on her knee.

Chris could feel the buzz of his beer fading and a dull ache that was in his head radiate over his body. He wanted to go home, and he wasn’t much in the mood for niceties before he left. He could do without one more touch or look from Sebastian and he would happily leave without wishing Ashley well.

“Go on, I’ll say night for you.” Anthony said sensing Chris’s trepidation. 

“You sure?” Chris said. “I’ve barely spoken to them.”

“You don’t need to.” Anthony squeezed his arm. “Go, I got this.”

Chris felt rubbish running out on them, but he was happy to let Anthony make excuses for him.

When he woke the next morning, his head was foggy and his heart heavy thinking of the night before. He’s made it through seeing Sebastian and to top it off had met Ashley and he had survived without letting the months of heartbreak show. Maybe they could just get back to being the friends they once were. Maybe.

Chris decided to try work off his hangover in the training gym at the studio. He was glad of the quiet space and stuck his headphones in and began to jog lightly. He never heard anyone come into the gym instead zoned out. It wasn’t until he was could feel the burning in his lungs the whirl of the machine slowed that he felt the presence in the room. He turned felt his breath catch at the sight of Sebastian leaning against the wall, his attention engrossed in whatever was on his phone.

He let out the breath he was holding, and it ended in a coughing fit. Sebastian’s head shot up and looked on in concern.

“You ok?” Sebastian asked approaching Chris, on the now still treadmill.

Chris grabbed his bottle of water and chugged some, spluttering as he did. Sebastian reached up and thumped at his back and continued to run a soothing hand over it as he steadied his breathing.

“Sorry, just looked up and got a fright, thought I was on my own.” Chris explained panting.

Sebastian motioned back the where he had been sitting. “That was what I was trying to avoid. I was sat out waiting for you to finish.”

“I’m good.” Chris said after he realised that Sebastian was still stroking his back.

“Sorry.” Sebastian clasped his hands together.

Chris wiped his face with his towel. “It’s early. You not tired after last night?”

Sebastian gave a small smile and nodded, “That’s the bonus of not drinking, no hangover.”

“Fuck, right, Sorry I forgot.” Chris said feeling like an idiot; he hadn’t even noticed what he had been drinking.

“I can drink,” Sebastian said cutting in. “I’m just not because of the training.”

“Right.” Chris said moving round Sebastian and over to the weight bench.

Sebastian turned and watched as Chris sat himself down, “I missed you last night, before you left.” He could see that Chris was avoiding his gaze. “I feel like I never got a proper chance to talk to you.”

“Yeah sorry, I was drunk and needed to get home.” Chris said waving it off.

“Not avoiding me then?” Sebastian asked.

Chris shook his head and pulled a face, “Course not.”

Sebastian nodded as if accepting the excuse, even though he knew it wasn’t true. “Ashley was sorry she never got to say goodbye.”

Chris felt uncomfortable and gave a thin-lipped smile. “I’ll see her next time, I’m sure.”

“Chris…” Sebastian watched him fiddle with the lid of his water bottle. “Chris!” He said more firmly. Chris looked up, wide eyed and lost. “Are we ok?”

Chris didn’t know what to say to that. He had spent so much time wanting and waiting to see Sebastian again, months had passed and now he was here with him and all he wanted was to be far away. He knew he couldn’t keep his emotions in check and as he felt his chest expand and tighten.

“I don’t know.” Chris blurted out. “I don’t know what to say.”

“I thought we were okay; we’ve been talking and messaging all this time.” Sebastian said in earnest.

Chris sighed, “Why didn’t you tell me about Ashley?” Chris said looking at Sebastian in the eye. “If you thought we were fine, then why not tell me?”

“I’ve spoken about her…” Sebastian started.

“Yeah you spoke about her, but you never told me you were seeing her.” Chris countered.

Sebastian bit on his lip and looked over Chris head, trying to think how to explain. “It didn’t start out as anything… she has just been there since I got back, and we’ve grown close.”

Chris couldn’t look at Sebastian. “I just wish you had told me and not let me find out from someone else.”

“Like you did with that girl a while back?” Sebastian countered.

Chris nodded, he couldn’t argue that point, except it was after he known about Ashley. He looked at Sebastian, he didn’t like that this was what they were finally doing now they were in the same place. Arguing about things that they were not going to agree on.

“She seems nice.” Chris said with a huff. “Ashley. She seems lovely.”

“She is, she’s been great. I don’t know what I would have done without her.” Sebastian defended.

Chris swallowed thickly, “I wish it could have been me.”

“I wish it had been too.” Sebastian’s voice came out as a whisper.

Chris looked up at him the hurt evident over his face. Sebastian sat on the bench opposite him.

“I fucked up really bad Chris and I didn’t… I still don’t know if I’m okay.” Sebastian felt the words coming to him in floods. “I couldn’t ask you to deal with all that. So much time passed, and I couldn’t ask you to put your life on hold for me.”

“I told you…” Chris started but Sebastian shut him down.

“And I couldn’t do that to you. I couldn’t drag you down with all my problems, it wouldn’t be fair. You deserve better than that.”

Chris let Sebastian words sink in before speaking again. “Why is it ok to lay all your troubles at her door?”

Sebastian dropped his gaze, “She doesn’t know everything that happened Chris.” He shifted on the bench and wrung his hands. “I told her I was in rehab, but I never told her the reasons why.”

Chris felt exasperated. “Who do you talk to Seb? Who do you ever open up to? Why are you so scared?”

Sebastian looked up at Chris, his soft tone catching him off guard. “I… I guess my therapist knows a lot now.”

Chris looked at his hands and nodded. “I get that you wanted to move on… I just wish you had told me, maybe I could have as well.”

“I thought you had.” Sebastian said.

Chris shook his head, “You are hard to get over.”

Chris lifted his gaze to Sebastian and was lost in the open stare he gave him. It felt like the air had been sucked out the room and they were sharing the last of the oxygen. Sebastian’s eyes flicked to Chris’s lips and back again, Chris could feel his heart thumping wildly in his chest. Sebastian edged forward on the bench as Chris parted his lips to say something, but it was all lost in the sound of the door crashing open and the loud voices of Paul and Will.

Both Chris and Sebastian just stared for a moment before greeting the guys that had entered. There was an unspoken acknowledgement that this conversation wasn’t over.

LA 2019

“I’m melting in here.” Joe said shifting his suit jacket uncomfortably. “I still think this is crazy.”

Chris was sat on a small couch, of the lawyer’s office, waiting room. He stared at the clock on his phone and then back to his watch. It was half one in the afternoon, the meeting his manager and lawyer had arranged with Sebastian and his legal team, was at two. He was due to brief his lawyer before Sebastian arrived.

He looked up at the abstract artwork on the wall, one of the only walls not made of glass. Chris wasn’t sure if he had ever been in this office before. He felt like he may have, but it seemed so empty of any personality or distinguishing features that he could have easily forgotten about it.

Chris looked at Joe, “Take it off then.” His tone was dull and lifeless.

Joe came and sat next to Chris, “Are you sure this is how you want to do this Chris?”

“I can’t back down now.” Chris said bluntly.

“Back down from what? Making an ass of yourself? If I were you, I’d drop this now. There is no going back after this.” Joe’s tone was hushed but clear.

“Why do people keep assuming there is a going back?” Chris asked.

Joe looked at him like he was insane. “Because this is you and Sebastian we are talking about. You have always been like this, you have pushed each other to the limits, time and time again, but you always come back together. You are both just hurt and too fucking stubborn to deal with it in a healthy way.”

Chris just looked on at Joe, his vision slightly blurred.

“Pull the plug on the story, call him, talk, make this right.” Joe pleaded.

The door to the waiting room open and Megan, Chris’s manager came in with her assistant.

“I can’t.” Chris whispered. He looked away to gather himself before getting up to greet Megan, the door to the conference room opened and he followed them him inside. Joe looked on hopelessly.

Atlanta 2015

Filming had started on Civil War and Chris was already exhausted with scheduling and the heat of Atlanta. Hitting the gym first thing in the morning had started out as an honest routine to maintain himself through filming but after only a couple of weeks, it wasn’t unusual to find him lying on the weight bench, listening to tunes and munching snacks he had hidden in his pocket.

“You know it doesn’t count as gym time if you don’t break a sweat.” Anthony’s voice boomed as he pulled a headphone from Chris’s ear.

“I am sweating, soon as I leave the room, the air hits me and I’m fucking sweating. I come here to cool down.” He said motioning to the aircon vent above him.

“You sure you aren’t just hoping to bump into someone else in here?” Anthony said giving him a knowing look.

Chris had told Anthony about the encounter with Sebastian. It had messed with his head and he didn’t know what to make of it. They had seen each other since but only on set and round the rest of the crew. Not anywhere you want to have a private conversation. Anyway, it didn’t change the fact, Sebastian was still with Ashley and he and Sebastian were over.

“I was going to get people over for the football this weekend.” Chris said sitting up. “Do you think I should invite Seb?”

Anthony watched at Chris stuffed a fistful of gummy bears into his mouth. “Of course, you should, because he’s your friend and you want to be friends.”

“Right.”

“Nothing more.” Anthony emphasised.

“I know.” Chris said through a mouthful of sweets.

“Chris.” Anthony tone was a warning.

“I got it. I know, I want to be his friend and nothing more. I miss him… as a friend.”

Anthony gave a mistrusting look. “I don’t want to see you hurt.”

“We are on the same page. I promise.” Chris said this a lopsided smile

\--

Sunday, football, beer and friends. Nothing could be better. At least until Sebastian shows up Chris thought to himself. He waited until they were on set and as casually as he could he mentioned he was having people over Sunday and he should stop by. He knew Sebastian wasn’t a big football fan, but it was just friend’s hanging out with pizza and beer, what was there to say no to?

Well there was the small matter of Ashley being in town for the weekend.

Her flight to New York was late Sunday afternoon but Sebastian said he’d try come over for a bit. Chris stopped short in inviting Ashley to join them, firstly because he was sure they’d want to spend time themselves and secondly… well he didn’t want to. He knew what Sebastian had said she had helped him and supported him, but Chris didn’t want to spend time with her.

Most of the afternoon had passed and nearly all the food was gone, as was most of Chris’s hopes of Sebastian turning up. Chris lent against the kitchen counter and drowned another beer. It made his body warm, but his head hurt.

“Hey, you want a hand with this stuff?” Joe asked bringing through some empty bottles and clinking them down on the countertop.

“Nah, it’s fine, you leaving?” Chris asked, most people were dropping off in dribs and drabs.

“Yeah I got a date.” Joe said with a wide smile.

“Tonight?” Chris said pulling a face.

Joe threw a scrunched napkin at Chris, “Yeah dude, it’s still early!” Chris battered the napkin away and looked disgruntled. “You should get out and get a life Chris, stop waiting about.”

“Get out,” Chris grumbled, “No happy people allowed.” He picked up at bit of cold pizza shoved it in his mouth and opened another beer as Joe flipped him off, heading for the door.

Seconds later Joe peeked his head back in the kitchen and whistled at Chris, “Looks like your waiting about was worth it.”

Chris screwed up his face and looked round Joe with his smug grin. “Fuck.” Chris mumbled through his mouthful of food.

Sebastian was stood in the hallway laughing at something Anthony was saying. It made Chris feel an odd sense of relief. He came, it was too late for the football, but he came. Chris knew he had a stupid grin on his face, but he couldn’t help it. Plus, he could always blame it on the beer.

“Have fun.” Joe said patting Chris on the shoulder.

On the way past Joe stopped to speak to Sebastian, Chris felt like an idiot just staring so returned to the kitchen and began tidying up some of the rubbish.

“Hey man,” Anthony called, “Thanks for the beer.”

“You’re not going, already are you?” Chris asked watching as the last of getting up to go.

“Part of me tells me I _should_ stay but I’m not playing gooseberry.” Anthony said bluntly.

Chris opened his mouth to defend himself, but Sebastian came up behind Anthony with a shy smile.

“Wow, I am a lot later then I thought.” Sebastian said placing a paper bag on the counter. “I thought I’d drop this off anyway, didn’t want it to go to waste.

Anthony took a peek in the bag, “Oooh Chris’s favourite ice cream.”

“Hand’s off, you were leaving.” Chris said pulling the bag towards him. He could see the blush in Sebastian’s cheeks as he looked at a number of small cartons of his favourite ice cream. “Thanks man.” He said with a drunken smile.

“I better get going.” Sebastian said.

“You don’t have to.” Chris blurted out. “Just cause these guys are boring. I didn’t realise everyone was going to be leaving so soon.” Chris could see the indecision on Sebastian’s face. “Come on, I can’t eat this myself and I can put the highlights on.”

Sebastian rolled his eyes, “How can I say no.”

“Easy, the game was rubbish.” Anthony said giving Chris a fixed stare.

“Some ice cream and a film then.” Chris suggested instead.

“Sure, but I don’t want to get in the way…” Sebastian trailed off seeing the empty lounge.

Chris rummaged in a drawer and handed Sebastian a spoon. “Come on Sebastian, let’s show them how wild we can be on a Sunday night.” He grabbed a carton of ice cream and headed for the lounge.

“Don’t let him get an ice cream headache.” Anthony said with a roll of his eyes as he left.

Sebastian took one of the cartons and put the rest in the freezer and joined Chris who was already flipping through the channels and lounging out on the couch. “You want a beer?” Chris said as Sebastian sat down.

“I’m good, I’ll stick to the ice cream.” Sebastian said taking a large scoop from the top of his carton.

There was familiar comfort as they ate ice cream and randomly commenting on the old episodes of Man v. Food.

“He must puke as soon as the camera is off.” Chris said aghast as he watched the host wiped sweat off his face and push another piece of pie into his mouth.

“I dunno, but his heart is going to give out.” Sebastian said licking at his spoon.

“I think I could to that one.” Chris said pointing at the screen with his spoon. “I couldn’t do the hot wings, but definitely a sweet challenge.”

Chris felt the movement on the couch as Sebastian peered over into Chris’s empty ice cream carton. “I think you could too.” He said offering Chris the last half of his portion.

Chris took it with a smile. “What’s wrong, you watching your weight.” He said accepting the ice cream.

“I don’t have your sweet tooth.” Sebastian said taking the empty carton from Chris. “You are a bottomless pit.”

“Hey!” Chris through a mouth of ice cream. “I work out, I deserve a treat now and then.”

“You’re right, but there is treating yourself and then there is bingeing.” Sabastian smirked watching Chris wipe dribbled ice cream from his chin.

Chris smirked back, “Look who is talking.” Hitting his hand against Sebastian’s solid chest. “You’ve swapped one addiction for another, are you ever out the gym?”

Sebastian’s cheeks flared in the touch and comment. “It’s better the gym then the club, right?”

Chris felt himself sober up quickly, feeling awful about what he had just said. “Shit Seb, I’m sorry, I’m an asshole. I…”

“Chris, it’s ok.” Sebastian laughed gently. “I’m not fragile, I can take it.”

Chris looked down at the spoon swirling in the soup of melting ice cream. “I’m sorry.” He whispered again. “I don’t know if I should be making light of it or just letting you get on with it.”

“I am getting on with it, I have to.” Sebastian said watching Chris.

Putting the tub down in front of him Chris shifted so he was facing Sebastian on the couch, he was hesitant, but he knew he had to ask. “All this,” he motioned to Sebastian body. “Is this… are you… fuck, are you…”

“I’m not using steroids Chris.” Sebastian quickly cut in.

“No! God no!” Chris said shaking his head. “That’s not what I meant. Fuck.” He groaned into his hands and ran his fingers through his hair. “I meant, are you sure you aren’t just substituting this for the drugs?”

Sebastian sat back and took a breath and gave it the thought it deserved. “I guess, I am in a way.” He looked down at the palm of his hand. “Rehab wasn’t a cure; it was just the starting point.” Sebastian looked up at Chris, “I can’t say I’m never going to drink or take anything ever again but when I feel like a want to, I focus my energy somewhere else. Right now, that’s working out.”

Chris looked down and reached for Sebastian’s hand, Sebastian paused for a moment before letting Chris take it, he couldn’t stop the shiver he felt of the cold fingers against his skin. Chris didn’t say anything instead letting the flat pad of his thumb feeling the ridge of hard calloused skin from the weights Sebastian had been doing.

“What about the reasons for wanting to?” Chris asked looking up Sebastian. “For wanting to block stuff out.”

Sebastian swallowed thickly, “I’ve never really dealt with things before, ever. I just placed band aids over the cracks and moved on. Peeling them back and dealing and understanding everything is taking a long time.” Sebastian dared a glace at Chris but kept going, “Starting at the top and working my way back, I’m not even half way through it all but, turns out I’ve been hiding from stuff I could have put to rest a long time ago.”

Chris searched Sebastian’s face, “Was I one of those band aids?”

Sebastian’s eyes shot to Chris’s, he could see the hurt there and the fear in asking the question. “No.” Sebastian licked his lips and gave out a shuddered breath. “I lied a lot when we were… I lied about taking the pills, why I was taking them and how often.” Sebastian could see Chris through the blur in his eyes. “I lied to myself that I wasn’t hurting you. But I was honest about what I felt, how you made me feel.”

Chris nodded looking at Sebastian’s fingers that were now laced with his. “Safe… you said I made you feel safe.” Sebastian nodded not able to say anything. “What was I keeping you safe from? Because it wasn’t yourself. Even when we were together you were using.”

Sebastian was taken back by the question, he hadn’t ever thought about, so when he opened his mouth to reply his words were delicate and unedited. “I could see… I could see a way out, something happy, something that didn’t scare me… because it was good. It was real and wasn’t muddied by the shit that had gone before.” He let out a small laugh. “Every time it thought of you, of us… it made me smile, it made me feel light and brave, like I could get out of that hole. It made me feel like I had a future.”

Chris reached over and wiped the tear that rolled down Sebastian’s cheek, ignoring his own and quickly dropped his hand back to the one he held in his lap. “I wish I had listened more; I knew when you were lying, and it just ignored it.” Chris felt that weight of his confession hang in the air. “I was so busy trying to cling on to what we had I never paid attention to what I should have been doing and that was looking after you.”

Sebastian shook his head fervently, “You can be responsible for other people’s happiness or mistakes. It wasn’t your job to look after me. I have to look after me. Otherwise I won’t know how to be happy with anyone.”

Chris bit down his bottom lip and watched as Sebastian’s eyes lingered on them. “Does Ashley make you happy.”

Sebastian tilled his head with a sigh, “Don’t do this Chris.”

“What? It’s just a question.” Chris defended.

Sebastian groaned and rested his head against the back of the couch, his fingers still tightly entwined with Chris’s. “She care’s Chris.”

“I care too…” Sebastian turned not lifting his head and looked at Chris. “That was not what I was asking though, I asked if she makes you happy… does she make you feel like there is a future there?”

“No.” Sebastian said without a much though, it was a quick response and it was true.

Chris felt a twist in his gut, he would have thought that it would have made him feel better to know that Sebastian’s feelings for Ashley didn’t lie deep. But it scared him that Sebastian was relying on something to wafer thin through his recovery. Chris knew Sebastian had made it clear he didn’t think it right for him to put all this at his door and Chris didn’t want to push him any further. The little Sebastian had opened up to him was enough, for now.

Chris didn’t really have a response so slouched round so his shoulder was pressed to Sebastian’s and Sebastian’s long hair tickled against his cheek. He pulled the hand he held up and looked at it. “I prefer these marks to the red scores you made.” Chris said referring to Sebastian’s habit of digging his nail into his palm when he was stressed.

“My stepdad, he used to make up this icepack and when I got home from school, he’d call me into his office and make me hold it to my palm.” Sebastian’s voice was reflective, lost in the memory. “There would be a bowl of skittles on his desk, he hated them, he got them just for me.” He huffed with a laugh. “I’d eat them while holding the icepack and he’d read to me, teaching me pronunciation.”

Sebastian gave Chris a quick glace when he felt Chris’s confused look directed at him. “I was that new kid, the foreign one, with the thick eastern European accent and his mom had just married the headteacher.” He said as way of explanation.

“He saw how I struggled to fit in, how much I hated it. He never spent time with me at school, he kept his distance, let me fight my own battles.” Sebastian gave Chris a watery smile. “He would wait till we were home and he’s patch me up and help me change the things I didn’t like. He never once made me feel stupid for it either.” 

“He must have been proud of what you became.” Chris said.

“I don’t know, I lied to him too.” Sebastian said a sad drop in tone.

Chris ran a thumb against the pulse point on inner of Sebastian’s wrist. He fought every urge to pull at him, hold him, press his lips to his skin. Instead he rested his forehead to Sebastian’s and closed his eyes.

“I can’t Chris, Ash…”

“I know.” Chris whispered.

They didn’t move they sat pressed against each other, the heat of their breaths mingled and not willing to let go. After a while Chris opened is eyes, not sure how much time had passed but could the feel the steady deep breathing in Sebastian’s chest, where his hand now rested, held there by Sebastian’s own.

The room was dark and the tv still flickered eerily illuminating the room in bursts and flashes. Chris could feel the urgency of his bladder and felt the ache of moving his body for the uncomfortable position. Sebastian stirred with a gasping breath.

“Wha…”

“I need to piss.” Chris mumbled.

Sebastian let go and groaned stretching out. He reached over and turned a lamp on and tried to focus on the tv, he had barely blinked and Chris was back at his side.

“I should get going.” Sebastian said smiling lazily as Chris.

Chris nodded solemnly, “Fancy another ice cream party sometime?”

Sebastian cocked his head at Chris, “Are we turning into teenage girls, eating ice cream and talking about our feelings?”

“I mean, that’s not exclusively teenage girls that eat ice cream and talk about feelings…” Chris defended, “But I won’t tell if you don’t.”

Sebastian laughed, “Okay deal, I don’t need Mackie holding that over me.”

Chris pulled a face and hummed, “He would the first one in here joining us if he knew, don’t believe his bravado.”

Sebastian nodded knowing it was true. “I’d like it, just us,” he looked at Chris, “If that’s ok?”

Chris smiled, unable to stop the flutter in his chest at the way it made him feel to hear Sebastian say that and look at him that way. “Of course.”

“I might have to bring some nuts or chips though, cause I’m sweet enough you see.” He winked.

Chris raised an eyebrow, “Keep telling yourself that.”

\--

Over the next few weeks Chris started having dreams of their time in London, often he woke in a state of confusion, not sure where he was. Sometimes he would reach out and the hard, warm body of Sebastian would be beside him making him even more confused and disorientated.

Sebastian had never meant to stay on those nights, but he would drift off talking to Chris, they talked about everything from work, films, family and things of past and future. They lay on Chris’s bed often letting the day light fade before letting their fingers touch and travel over exposed skin. It never went any further, there was no pawing at each other, no moving under material. They listen to each other and held on when it got hard to speak. It was the most intimate Chris felt they had ever been.

That morning he had woke to Sebastian lying over him, his head on Chris’s chest, his arm round his waist and a hand tucked under his back. Chris was warm, even with the thin layers of clothes Chris felt like he was melting, but he didn’t move, letting the moment last as long as possible, because no matter what progress Sebastian had made and what had changed between them he still didn’t want to see Sebastian run from him.

Like London they had got to know each other but this time it was Sebastian opening up and Chris listening. He didn’t need to ask or probe, Sebastian would just talk and share things he admitted he hadn’t spoke to anyone about. The night before he had explained something to Chris that made him understand Sebastian’s impulse to run, to not linger or stay in the morning.

_“My mum had to work and get me to school and she couldn’t always do that. But if she didn’t work, we couldn’t live. When she first left Romania I stayed with my grandparents. She couldn’t take me until she had somewhere to stay and a way to support us.” He explained._

_“I’d stay with my dad on the weekends. I know he loved me, I know that, but I was a burden to him. Anytime I was there, I would stay out the way and pass the time as best I could, without being seen or heard, waiting to get back to my grandmother.”_

_“He was seeing this woman who couldn’t have been anymore annoyed by me if I tried. She didn’t want me there, my dad felt like I had to stay, and I just wanted to go home. First thing on Sunday mornings, I’d put everything back in the bag my grandmother had given me, and I wait out on the step. It wasn’t the safest thing to do but my grandfather would come pick me up first thing. He didn’t like me going to my dad’s either, so he always came early to meet me.”_

_“I never said goodbye to my dad those weekends. I just got up and left. I wanted out of that situation.”_

_“What I never understood was when my mum got work in Vienna and sent for me to go with her, my dad fought her about it. He said he didn’t want me to go, that I should stay with him. All those weekends and he didn’t say anything to me or spend time with me, instead he just ignored me and let me leave without goodbyes, and suddenly he wanted me to live with him full time.”_

_“It was my grandmother that explained to me that he just wanted to hurt my mom. It was going to make him look bad that she was leave and taking me out the country and he wanted to put that pressure on her instead.”_

_“I never felt bad about leaving without saying goodbye again.”_

_“My mom did everything she could to make our lives better, to give me the best start and he just wanted to hurt us. I promised I would never let that happen.”_

Chris had just held Sebastian too his chest and held on tighter than he ever had. He pressed his lips to the top of his head and felt the tense that was in Sebastian seep out, they never spoke for the rest of the night.

Now after the sun had come up, Chris chanced running his fingers through the long dark hair. His hand froze as Sebastian shifted, he mumbled something, but Chris couldn’t make out what it was. Sebastian turned and pressed his face into Chris chest, even through the cotton of his t-shirt Chris could feel his lips indenting into his skin. Sebastian continued all the way up to his neckline of his shirt and stopped. It was almost as if the material between them voided it out. When Sebastian looked at Chris, he could see the fresh look in his eyes, something was gone, a weight lifted from his shoulders.

Chris didn’t move as Sebastian positioned himself over Chris and pressed a lingering closed mouth kiss to his own. It was the best kiss of Chris’s life and it made a lot of the hurt he had been holding onto melt away.

LA 2019

Chris had stopped listening, his memory was on that kiss Sebastian had given him, it had meant so much, but it had led to nothing, not right away anyway. He wished he could be back there in that moment just him and Sebastian. It was honest and real and full of hope. Chris had been privy to something not many had, and it was the complete openness and affection of Sebastian.

Looking round the room, there was an awkward politeness between both sides of the table. All they were waiting on was Sebastian. His manager had apologised that he was running late due to traffic. Chris couldn’t help feeling like it was Sebastian giving him one last chance to get out, call it all off, realise how mad this was.

Chris felt his phone vibrate in his pocket and dug it out, not listening as Joe mumbled about the delay. Chris stare at his phone, the conversation in the room faded, the only thing he could hear was the blood rushing in his ears.

_Unknown Number: I’m not coming to this meeting. I don’t want our relationship dissected by the people in that room. It’s between us. If you want to talk then I’ll be at the hotel bar. If you don’t that’s fine too. I won’t stand in the way of your script. I’ll be here till 3pm. Seb._

Chris looked up after reading the message several times. All the people in the room were waiting on Sebastian and Chris now knew that he wasn’t coming. Anna who was looking frustrated but kept up a forced smile in small talk, picked up her phone as it began ringing. Chris knew it was Sebastian. Chris got up and excused himself following Anna from the room.

Anna turned as she hung up the phone, her face livid. “He’s not coming.”

“I know.” Chris said squeezing his phone tight in his hand. “What hotel is he in?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song that went with this chapter: Mumford & Sons - Whispers In The Dark
> 
> Next chapter is a big one but will get it up as soon as I can. Also there will be some happy memories at long last.
> 
> Thanks again! Gayle :)


	7. Seven

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chris and Sebastian finally meet after nearly a year apart. Their emotions are running high but there is a lot of good memories as well as bad.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There are only a couple of chapters left and there is a lot to happen so I hope you join me to the end.
> 
> Thanks for reading and let me know what you think.
> 
> Song for this chapter at the end.
> 
> Gayle :)

LA 2019

Sebastian had read the drinks menu twice already, anything to distract himself from his phone. His mouth was dry in a way he could never get used to when he tried to stop drinking. This would have been a perfect time to have a drink he thought. It would have relaxed him, quenched his thirst and given him something to do. As it was, he was sipping at a coffee and wishing there was liquor in it.

It maybe wasn’t the best place for a meeting unless it was social, and this was anything but social. He had picked it quickly when he made the decision that he wasn’t going to meet Chris with their managers and attorneys. None of that had been his choice in the first place. Suddenly the people that worked for them were going to trying to structure their dysfunctional relationship and he didn’t want any part of it. If it was going to be sorted it should be by the only two people that fucked it up in the first place.

The bar was quiet, there were a few booths and tables round the room taken. He had picked a booth beside the bar, out of the eyeline of most people. From where he was sat, he could see the door and everyone coming and going. Once he was seated, he had called Anna. She hadn’t said much, but he knew her well enough to know her sigh had been one of relief at his decision to deal with this himself. Shortly after he had hung up, Anna had messaged him saying _Good Luck_. Now he just had to wait and see if he needed it.

_If_ Chris showed up, it will have been the first time they had been in a room together for nearly a year. _If_ he didn’t show up, well, Sebastian wasn’t sure what he’d do with that, he tried not to think about it for now.

He drained the last of his cold coffee and stared at the door. He couldn’t take it anymore and got up and sat in the opposite side of the booth. At least now his heart wouldn’t jump every time someone came in. Running a hand over his mouth he felt the twist of thirst on his tongue. He could vividly remember the first drink he had had after leaving rehab. He had continuously told himself and others that he would be fine to have a drink, he was just choosing not to. In reality, he had been scared and unsure if he’d be able to handle it.

New York 2015

Sebastian had been home for nearly two weeks and sleep hadn’t come easy. He was on a break during the filming schedule for Civil War and he wasn’t needed on set for nearly a month. Normally he would have jumped at the chance to get home and relax, spend time with friends and family, but this time it was different.

Sebastian turned his head on his pillow and looked at the sleeping form of Ashley. Her hair was half covering her face. Reaching out, Sebastian brushed the strands back, she didn’t stir, something he was grateful for. He was exhausted from forcing a happy smile and answering the same questions at her concern as to why he was so distant. Truth was he felt suffocated by her presence, always being there, pressed against him. He cursed under his breathe, he knew he was a shit even thinking like she was an inconvenience, but he did and had done from the moment he’d got home.

Seeing Ashley every other weekend when he was in Atlanta was fine, he was happy to see her come and go again. But coming back to New York and having her at his apartment all the time had been overwhelming. Before going to work in Atlanta, she had been at his apartment daily, she had stayed just as much as she had now. He had encouraged her to stay to be with him, he had needed that company, that person, that crutch. Now though, things had changed.

Chris wasn’t to blame, but he was part of it.

Once Sebastian had started hanging out with Chris in Atlanta, they had become inseparable. On set they would often be in each other presence, whether they were talking or not. Often Sebastian would have his headphones in and reading a book, but he just had to look up and Chris would be there, in touching distance. When there was no one around to see Chris would kick his legs out and hook his ankle round Sebastian’s, just a comforting presence.

It hadn’t gone unnoticed. If anyone had troubling finding one of them, they knew they had to find the other. There had been the odd comment but nothing too suggestive that they couldn’t joke off. It didn’t stop Sebastian blushing from head to toe every time. It was not helped by the small knowing smile Chris would give him after each comment or joke, that would make him burn up inside with all sorts of desires.

Nothing had ever happened between them though, apart from one closed mouth kiss that was as platonic as they come. It didn’t stop the heavy weight in his chest. Lying here now, looking at Ashley he felt like he had betrayed her because the time he had spent with Chris, while it hadn’t been sexual it had been the most intimate, he had ever had, with anyone, ever.

Sebastian had never felt as naked and exposed in those moments in the dark with Chris, talking and opening up to him like he had never done before in his life. It felt easier then talking to his therapist because Chris knew him in a way no one else could.

Whether they spoke of something in Sebastian’s past or something that was both happening in their lives now, the fact that Sebastian could reach out and feel the warmth of Chris made it all the more special. It wasn’t that it was easy, it took Sebastian all his self-control to not pull Chris into a heated kiss and beg him to return the feelings that burned in his gut every time they were alone.

“Fuck.” Sebastian mumbled, pulling his touch away from Ashley as he felt himself begin to harden.

He eased out from the covers and closed the bedroom door behind him. He paced across the floor of the apartment, putting the tv on low volume, hoping that something would grab his attention. Instinctively he grabbed a short glass and put ice into it before he stopped himself, he took a deep breath and filled it with water. The cold liquid was disappointing.

Sitting on the couch he contemplated calling Chris, just to hear his voice, maybe distract himself for what he felt was the inevitable repeat of the day before. The problem with that was Chris would answer and he would stay up talking to him and he’d make Sebastian feel like he was the only person in his world. Then that chip that had started in Sebastian’s heart would split even further and it would end up in the pain he was trying to avoid.

He wasn’t sure if he was trying to avoid hurting himself or Chris anymore. Chris had told him he loved him; he had told him that night in the hospital and Sebastian and said nothing back. He had never said it since. Sebastian knew why, he hadn’t returned the sentiment and now it was too late. Sebastian knew he had hurt Chris and he had seen Chris brave it out for Sebastian and had been there and hadn’t let go and he wasn’t about to get burnt again.

Problem was Sebastian had done his best to ignore his feelings that had always been there, but they were now at the forefront of his mind and in every thought and action he made. More than once he had nearly just whispered how he felt into the darkness while they lay together, but the fear of Chris rejecting him was enough scare him to keep quiet.

Sebastian was back on his feet and refilling his glass with ice and this time with vodka. It wasn’t much, a couple of glasses at most from an old bottle that he hadn’t thought to throw away. The first sip burned, muddled with a feeling of guilt and fear. The second was numbed by the first and the third drained the glass. He sat for a moment the swirling burn in his stomach spiked and eased leaving a warmth radiating though him. It was a familiar relief.

By the time the last of the bottle splashed into his glass, the haze he felt had washed away the unsure feeling, replaced with a confidence he missed in himself. His phone was in his hand and he fumbled to type a quick message and hit send.

_I miss you, Seb x_

He didn’t regret it but when his phone chimed, and he read the reply, he couldn’t stop the tightness in his throat and the sting in his eyes.

_Chris: I miss you too xx_

Sebastian was drunk but not drunk enough to dial Chris’s number, he wasn’t stupid enough to think Chris wouldn’t realise he was drunk as soon as he opened his mouth. So, he stared at the message and smiled letting his head rest against the back of the couch and closed his eyes and finally fell asleep.

The morning had been an argument he hadn’t been prepared for. Anger gripped Sebastian at the berating tone of Ashley, as she washed the single glass he had drank from with distaste and disappointment, it burned him with a humiliation that he hadn’t experienced in years.

“I just don’t understand. You were doing so well.” She said drying the glass and clashing it loudly in the cupboard with the others.

Sebastian didn’t respond, he hadn’t spoken, his head was spinning, the slight nausea of his hangover bitter in his mouth.

“What has happened in Atlanta? Are you drinking there? Are they encouraging you?”

Sebastian wasn’t sure what, “they” she was referring to.

“You are like a whole different person; you have changed since coming home. You don’t talk to me, you don’t touch me, and now this, drinking during the night.” Ashley said throwing her arms up.

“It was one drink.” Sebastian muttered under his breath.

“What?” Ashley said coming closer but having clearly heard him. “You drank half a bottle of vodka, that’s not one drink.”

She was right, he had to give her that, but for him previously that would have counted as one drink. She was also right that he didn’t talk to her, he knew he was being quiet, and he knew he it was because he she wasn’t the person he wanted to talk to. Also, he hadn’t touched her, not in the way he had in the past.

“Fuck this.” He said under his breath.

“What?” Ashley asked incredulously.

“I said, fuck, this.” Sebastian said loud and clearly.

Getting up he felt his world wobble slightly but when he was on his feet he looked down at the fire in Ashley’s eyes.

“I can’t do this anymore.” Sebastian started, “I shouldn’t have got involved with you while I was recovering, I should have waited.”

“For what?” Ashely asked helplessly.

“For the right person.” His words slipped from him cold but final. “I can beat myself up about my own mistakes. I don’t need you to do that for me. I need the person that is going to accept me for my faults and help me, not berate me for them.”

“I _am_ helping you.” Ashley said defensively.

“How? By losing your shit because I had a drink. Not bothering to wonder why? Just making a big show of finding me asleep on the couch.” Sebastian said exasperated.

Ashley shook her head, “So you start drinking again and I’m just to sit back and let you? Say nothing?”

This was the problem, Ashley didn’t know the extent of his addictions, and that was his fault for not divulging the full truth of his past. Sebastian had a ball of guilt in his stomach and he knew who he needed to talk to, and it wasn’t Ashley.

Sebastian took a deep breath, “I’m sorry Ashley, I am grateful for everything you have done but I can’t do this anymore, it’s not fair to you.”

“Are you crazy? Are you still drunk?” She asked staring in disbelief.

“I’m not drunk, I might be crazy, but I’m not drunk.” Sebastian huffed.

“Seb.” Ashley said taking a step closer.

“I’m sorry.” He said again, retreating. “It’s over.”

The confusion on her face didn’t leave as she looked round the room. He tried not to look as the silent tears slide down her face. “I… I don’t understand why.” She mumbled before looking up at him. “Why are you doing this?”

_Because I love him_.

“Because I need to be alone.” Sebastian said coldly.

Sebastian flinched as the apartment door slammed behind Ashley, she had grabbed a few things and cursed at him, leaving him standing in the middle of the room. He knew it wasn’t going to be that easy, he owed her more than a shit hungover explanation, but it was the best he could muster in the moment. He picked up his phone where it lay on the couch and read the message he had sent last night, he had made a decision.

When the plane touched down in Atlanta the following day, the adrenaline that had spurred on his decision had seeped away and the sudden realisation of what he was doing hit him. He wasn’t due back in Atlanta for another two weeks, there was no hotel booked. Where was he going to stay if this went wrong? He hadn’t even called ahead to see if Chris was there; he had had simply booked the flight and got on it.

Now with just his hand luggage and a beat of courage, he got in a cab.

It was early evening when they pulled up outside the gated house, Sebastian tried not to think, instead waiting until the car was out of sight before turning to the intercom. His hands were shaking but he forced himself onwards. When a female voice answered the intercom, Sebastian froze, he heard himself mumbling that he was looking for Chris, that is was Sebastian, all the while thinking he should have phoned.

The gate opened and so did the door to a curious looking Lisa Evans, Chris’s mother. “Sebastian, I didn’t realise you were in town. How lovely to see you.” She said pulling him into a tight hug.

“Hi,” his voice squeaked as the air was knocked form his lungs. “I’m so sorry, I didn’t realise I was interrupting your visit.” Sebastian said pulling away.

“Not at all, you’ve made it just in time, come in, come in.” She said ushering him through the door.

Sebastian had been in this house more than his own in the last few months, it felt strangely like he was coming home yet in that moment he felt dangerously out of place. Sebastian would have stopped and waited in the hall, but Lisa had a firm hold of his arm and led him through to the lounge where, the rest of Chris’s family were. The volume was loud as the chattering of voices fought to be heard over one another, animated and happy.

Sebastian’s eyes found Chris quickly. Under a weight of two young boys, perched on his lap he was flicking though a book that looked like a photo album.

“Look who’s here to join the celebration.” Lisa called cheerily.

Sebastian shrank into himself, his head dropping and running his hand through his hair. He could feel the eyes in the room fall on him.

“Scott get Sebastian a drink.” She said patting her son on the shoulder. “It’s my birthday.” She said to Sebastian beaming.

“Oh… it’s ok Scott… I’m sorry, happy birthday, I should go.” Sebastian stumbling over his words.

There was a protest of voices but there was only one that remained silent, Chris caught Sebastian’s eye. There was an odd mix of delight, confusion and a glint of worry on his face. Getting up from under his nephews Chris came over. “I’ll get it Scott.” He said relieving him of the chore his mother had set him.

Chris squeezed the top of Sebastian’s arm and gave him a reassuring smile when he saw Sebastian mouth sorry to him. “Hey man, you’re back early.”

They retreated into the kitchen. “I’m so sorry, I’m just going to go, I should have called…” Sebastian burst and began edging away, but Chris wouldn’t let him, holding on, pulling at his hand.

“Hey, hey, stop, you don’t need to go.” Chris’s voice was full of concern.

“I’m sorry.” Sebastian repeated.

“Stop, come here.” Chris said pulling him into an embrace.

Sebastian stiffened feeling awkward and self-conscious, but the longer Chris held on the more he let it slip away, resting his head in the crook of Chris’s neck and letting out a slow breath.

“You ok?” Chris asked gently. Sebastian nodded, not sure if he truly was. “You want to talk?”

Sebastian pulled himself up and looked at Chris, his eyes searching. “Not right now, I’ll let you get back to your family.”

“Stay.” Chris said after a long pause. “We are ordering in and we can talk after. Plus, there’s cake.”

Sebastian opened his mouth to reply but Lisa burst in in a flurry, he quickly dropped his hands that had been fisted in Chris’s shirt. Without missing a beat, Lisa picked up a bottle of wine from the counter. “Chris you get that boy a drink before the food arrives.”

“I’m on it.” Chris said with a smile, but not letting his gaze leave Sebastian.

“We’ll leave him to figure that one out, you come with me, it’s been so long since I’ve seen you.” Lisa said as she looped her arm with Sebastian’s.

Sebastian didn’t have much choice but to sit down and switch off his thoughts and worries that had brought him there. Chris’s family enveloped him in their festivities and he just had to go with the flow. Chris had handed Sebastian a soft drink, poured over ice, Sebastian had nervously sipped at it, as if testing for something hidden underneath. Chris gave him a wink putting his mind at ease that it was just the soft drink, before allowing himself to get lost in the stories and laughter.

As they ate Chris’s father would lean over to Sebastian and explain to him who everyone was talking about as each member of the family fought fast and loud to regale a fond memory. It made something warm inside Sebastian to know that he wanted him to be part of the conversation and not left feeling like a spare part.

It took a while, but Sebastian began to relax and drifted easily from conversation to conversation. It helped whenever he looked over at Chris, he found him smiling back and would roll his eyes at the madness of the noise.

It was getting late and Sebastian excused himself from the last game of Pictionary to get some air. He knew it had been a quick choice to get on a plane to come see Chris and it was one he had instantly regretted when he arrived at the house. Now leaning against the cool brick wall, the noise behind him muffled and his head clear he was happy he had.

Sebastian knew he’d have to head back to New York in the morning but whatever he left unsaid tonight could wait because he didn’t want to spoil this. When he went back join everyone they were winding down.

“We’ll need to think about heading back the hotel.” Lisa said rubbing at her husband’s knee.

“We still doing breakfast?” Scott asked.

“I’m not missing breakfast for anything.” Chris said looking over his shoulder at his sister whose daughter was fast asleep in her arms.

Sebastian couldn’t stop the smile and gentle hum in his chest as he watched Chris look on adoringly at his niece, his large hand enveloping her small foot. It was another side to Chris Sebastian was suddenly getting to see. His family was important to him and it was something Sebastian knew from listening, how much he craved to start in his own. It made Sebastian feel an odd sense of excitement and sadness that he couldn’t place.

“Come on then.” Lisa said yanking at her husband’s arm and drawing everyone from a quiet place.

While everyone got ready to leave Sebastian said quick goodbyes and hid in the kitchen, feeling again like he was intruding on a moment between Chris and his family. He overheard Lisa ask Chris if Sebastian needed a ride anywhere, but Chris was quick to let her know he was staying over. It made Sebastian feel a beat of nerves, but he chuckled when Lisa excitedly said to bring him to breakfast tomorrow.

When the door was closed behind them, Chris gave out a low tired whistle. He turned to Sebastian who was now leaning against the hall wall. “I can get a cab.” Sebastian said.

Chris cocked his head, “And where you staying?”

Sebastian faltered, “I can get a hotel.”

Chris shook his head, “My mom will be annoyed if she finds out I kicked you out.”

“So, I’m staying so you don’t get in trouble her?” Sebastian smirked.

“Yeah, looks like it.” Chris said raising his eyebrow suggestively. It made Sebastian heat up and they both knew it but as usual it was ignored.

Sebastian followed Chris’s lead and began collecting the glasses and took them to the kitchen. Placing them next the sink he watched at Chris rinsed them and put them in the dishwasher.

“Thanks for letting me stay.” Sebastian said leaning back on the counter, “Not just tonight but with your family here.”

Chris smiled at him and closed the machine. “You’re always welcome.” Chris dried his hands on the towel and threw it over his shoulder. “You want to tell me what the surprise visit is for?”

Sebastian dropped his gaze and studied the floor. “I… I just got up and left on a whim, it was stupid but…”

“But?” Chris asked after Sebastian didn’t continue.

Chris’s brow bunched as Sebastian began unconsciously scratching at his palm. He pulled the towel from his shoulder and ran it under the cold tap and took Sebastian’s hand in his and pressed the cool damp towel to the red angry scores.

“Fuck Seb, what’s happened?” Chris asked gently.

Sebastian squeezed his hand in the towel, unaware how badly it hurt it until he felt the sting of the cold material. “I fell off the wagon.” He said his voice distant to his own ears.

When Chris never said anything, he looked up expecting to see the disappointment or anger he’d seen from Ashley. But there was nothing there but concern and patience for him to continue.

“I’ve just found it hard over the last couple weeks, back at home, suddenly on my own.” Sebastian tried to explain.

“What about Ashley? Where has she been?” Chris asked.

“There… always there.” Sebastian said seeing the confusion in Chris’s face. Sebastian just shook his head. “It’s over between us. I finished it.”

“Oh.” Chris said not sure what to do with that information.

“It was only vodka.” Sebastian said feeling the need to explain. “I know it wasn’t sensible but…”

“Why?” Chris blurted cutting Sebastian off.

“Why, vodka?”

“No, why did you finish with Ashley?” Chris asked now with an edge to his voice.

Sebastian felt his chest tighten as he looked at Chris his eyes boring into his own. “I got drunk… I have… I didn’t feel what I feel… fuck.” Sebastian sighed. “This is easier in the dark.”

Chris nodded dropping his gaze, he pulled the towel off to see how Sebastian’s hand was. “I know.” His voice was laced with disappointment.

Sebastian felt a tight twisting in his chest as he watched the hope go from Chris and he couldn’t take it, he couldn’t let the moment pass.

“I love you.” Sebastian blurted.

Chris’s eyes shot up and he stared, unmoving just staring.

“I couldn’t sleep, I couldn’t think straight, every time Ashley tried to talk to me or touch me, it felt wrong.” Sebastian let the words tumble from his mouth. “I couldn’t stop thinking about you and knowing I couldn’t be close, so… so I had a drink.” Sebastian swallowed thickly. “In the morning I realised, I had done what I always do, hiding away, avoiding things instead of dealing with them head on. I told Ashley it was over and booked my flight here.”

Sebastian had trailed off, as he felt the grip of Chris’s hands let go of his. Whatever Sebastian had imagined Chris’s reaction to be, he hadn’t expected the broken look that crossed his face now and the way his shoulders slumped, pulling away from Sebastian.

Sebastian could feel the tightening round his throat, he was losing him. “I love you Chris.” He choked out. “I know I hurt you, I know it might be too late, but I need you to know that, I do, I love you.” The panic that flooded Sebastian, he couldn’t stop his words from coming, they were fighting over the tears threatening to mute him. “I’m sorry, I fucked it up and when you told me how you felt I was so scared and so much time passed, but these last few months I can’t ignore that and I need to you to know…”

“Stop.” Chris said his voice clear and calm. “Stop.”

“… I can leave, we can move past this, but I just need you to know how I feel…”

“Please stop!” Chris shouted looking up at him. Sebastian froze. “Just stop.”

Chris sighed and ran his hands over his face and round the back of his neck. Sebastian could see by the hue in his cheeks that he was upset but he held on to his emotions and spoke slowly.

“This is not what I thought you had come here to say. I thought you were…” Chris laughed, “I thought you were going to tell me, you were getting married or she was going to have a baby or something.” The laughter died on his lips with a shaky sigh.

“No.” Sebastian said taking a tentative step towards Chris. “I understand if this isn’t what you want to hear either.”

Chris looked up at Sebastian, a steady flow of tears rolled down his cheeks. “It is, it’s just…”

“I know.” Sebastian didn’t need to hear all the doubts that were in Chris’s head, he heard them all in his own.

Taking another step closer, now toe to toe, Sebastian took Chris’s hand in his and locked their fingers together. His other hand cupped Chris’s jaw and his thumb smudged the tears on his cheek.

“I love you.” Sebastian whispered, his thumb coating Chris bottom lip with the tears.

Sebastian waited for any sign that Chris wanted him to stop but he let his eyes close as Sebastian pressed his lips gently to his wet ones. When Sebastian pulled back, he looked at Chris until he opened his eyes.

“I still love you.” Chris’s voice was thick with emotion. Sebastian couldn’t stop the laugh from bubbling up inside him, Chris smiled along with him, “I’m serious.”

Sebastian nodded and rested his forehead on Chris’s, “I know you are.”

Chris freed his hand from Sebastian’s grip and ran his fingers through the long hair tucked behind Sebastian’s ear, he tilted his head and let his hot breath flush Sebastian’s mouth. “I love you.” Sebastian never had a chance to say or think as Chris captured his lips, his tongue slipping between them making him groan.

Suddenly the months of frustration and waiting, the tentative touches and lingering grazes of fingers went up in flames. The urgent need to touch each other, taste and claim each other was unbearable. They pushed and pulled at each other desperate to get closer. A primal growl erupted from somewhere between them, hot and wet and still the taste of tears.

They lost minutes of their lives to fumbling and pulling at material, bumping along surfaces and fighting for dominance, refusing to break their kiss. Chris pressed Sebastian against the hall wall, halfway to the bedroom, his frustration at the buttons on Sebastian’s jeans made him groan and pull back from the heat of Sebastian’s mouth.

“I’m just going to fuck you here.” Chris mumbled against his neck and gripping at his ass.

Sebastian spluttered with breathless laughter. “Get me to the bedroom and I’ll make it worth your while.”

“God if you don’t stop doing that, I’m going to come in my pants and that might be a deal breaker.” Chris said stilling Sebastian’s hips that were rutting against Chris’s hard cock.

Sebastian grinned and sagged against the wall. “Then let’s just slow down.” He took Chris by the hand pulled him in the direction of the bedroom.

“If we go any slower than we’ve been going these last few months, I might implode.” Chris grumbled.

Sebastian smiled as he sat Chris down on the bed in front of him. “You have great self-control.”

“You have no idea.” Chris said never raising his eye above Sebastian’s waist.

“I’m pretty sure I do.” He said pulling his t-shirt over his head and undoing the buttons Chris had struggled with.

Chris caught Sebastian’s wrist and pulled him till his knees hit the bed between his legs. Chris pulled the jeans down slowly over the swell of his ass and ran kisses long the band of Sebastian’s boxers that lay low on his hips. Sebastian shivered and ran his fingers through Chris’s hair, fighting the urge to beg Chris to touch him. He didn’t have to though, Chris’s hand smoothed over the soft material covering his ass, trailing his fingers round the curves before pulling at the band of the boxers.

Sebastian could have been out of it for maybe a minute or maybe an hour, but every touch Chris placed on him made it harder to breathe. When the hot wet tongue circled over the head of his cock, he let out a strangled moan. Deft strong hands held him in place as he hit the back of Chris’s throat. He heard himself whimpering, surprising his own ears, but a satisfied hum came from Chris as he worked his mouth up and back down the length of Sebastian.

He wasn’t meaning to hurt Chris, but his fingers dug into Chris’s shoulders trying to keep himself upright. He heard himself beg then, mutters of fuck and please. Chris manoeuvred him so swiftly that he didn’t even register that he was on his back until the shaking in his legs subsided replaced with a tightening in his gut.

“Fuck Chris, I’m gonna come, god, fuck, ah…” he lost all power of speech, replaced with a sharp cry. Chris didn’t stop, just slowed down and rode out the wave of Sebastian’s orgasm.

Sebastian grabbed for him pulling him up desperate to have him close. A hand slid down the front of Chris’s open jeans cupping him. Chris gave out low growl, that made Sebastian chuckle, licking into his mouth. Sebastian was shaky from his release but it didn’t stop the swift way he pulled Chris from his underwear, his hand curling in a fist round him, he tried to push Chris up but he gave a few quick thrusts into Sebastian’s hand and he choked spilling over them.

“I’m sorry.” Chris mumbled into Sebastian’s neck.

Sebastian smiled unable to contain himself, “It’s ok, I’m taking it as a compliment.”

Chris laughed, “It’s been a long wait.”

The laughter died and Chris looked down at Sebastian and he pressed slow kiss to his lips. “Too long.”

LA 2019

The closer Chris got the hotel the more he wished it was further away. The emotion that had fuelled him leaving the lawyers office was dwindling and the realisation hit him that he was going to see Sebastian unaided, no barriers, no managers or attorneys. If you had asked him months before if he could meet Sebastian like this he would have jumped at the chance but now, now it was different, he had played his hand with the script and now he felt more defensive than he ever thought he would be.

There was a moment in the lobby he felt his arrival might be blown when a family recognised him. He hadn’t thought ahead, he hadn’t prepared for that fact that while it was just him and Sebastian meeting to talk, it was still a public place. Chris wondered if Sebastian had chosen it so there would be no raised voices and at the very least, they would have to be civil to each other.

Chris was saved by someone at reception that swiftly acknowledged him and showed him through to the bar, they politely excused themselves and left Chris standing alone. His eyes scanned the room and his breath caught in his throat, Sebastian was there, sitting with his back to him. He felt his body propelling itself forward until he stopped at the edge of the table.

“Hi.” Chris said, his voice almost shocked at its own use.

Sebastian turned wide eyed, looking up at him. “Hi.”

Atlanta 2015

When Chris had woken in the morning, he had been overcome with emotion to find Sebastian pressed hard against him, the scruff of his stubble scratching at Chris’s chest and leaving red itchy marks. It could have been a dream, like so many he had had before, so to have him there and holding him, Chris couldn’t stop silent tears falling with the relief that it was all real.

Sebastian had explained as they lay tangled together the night before that he had only come with the bare minimum on his last minute trip and it been his intention to head back to New York no matter what the outcome of telling Chris how he felt. So, Chris did his best not to wake him as he watched him sleep.

When Sebastian did stir, he looked up dazed. “God what time is it?”

“Past nine.” Chris said, his voice cracking.

“Shit.” Sebastian leaned up on his elbow. “You’re breakfast plans.”

“They aren’t important.”

Sebastian moved up over his Chris’s chest and wiped at the tear rolling out the side of Chris’s eye. “What’s wrong?”

Chris gave out a shuddery breath and shook his head. “I guess, it’s just that you’re here.”

Sebastian frowned, “I thought it would be a good thing not, tears.”

“It is,” Chris assured, “I’ve just woken up so many times wishing you were here…”

Sebastian cut him off with a tentative kiss. “I’m here.”

Chris pulled Sebastian down again and lost himself in the heat of his mouth, they moved slowly with each other, all those times they were scared to touch or show their feelings were gone. During the night that had exhausted themselves with passion that was desperate and overwhelming. Now they held each other basking in the moment.

The next time Chris opened is eyes he could hear the shower running. He checked the time; he was late for breakfast but could still make it if they left now. Sebastian came into the room with a towel and a smile.

“You showered without me?” Chris mumbled while stretching.

“You’re going to be late.” Sebastian said motioning to the clock.

Chris swung his legs over the edge of the bed and grabbed for the towel hung low on Sebastian’s waist. “Come with me.”

“I can’t.” Sebastian said with a smile. “I have to get back to New York. I’ll be back in a couple of weeks.” He said trying to ease the pout on Chris’s face. “I’ll call you tonight.”

Chris nodded in a resigned way. “Every night.”

“Do you trust me?” The question was so sudden and out of the blue Chris took a long time to reply.

“Should I not?” Chris said.

Sebastian signed, “I just mean after I had that drink.”

Chris stood up so he was eye to eye with him. “You know if you feel like you might drink call me, talk to me, even if you don’t want to say anything just call. I’ll always pick up, I promise.”

Sebastian rested his head against Chris’s bare chest and whispered into his skin. “I love you.”

Chris held on tight, “I love you too.”

LA 2019

Chris could feel the pain of his heart thudding in his chest as he sat in the booth opposite Sebastian. He didn’t get a chance to say anything before there was someone at the table looking to take an order. Chris glanced at the empty cup in front of Sebastian and ordered a coffee for himself. As Sebastian spoke to the waiter Chris took the chance to study Sebastian’s profile. His hair was shorter then he had been keeping it and the beard Chris had loved -and that Sebastian had promised to grow back for him- was now just stubble on his cheeks trimmed but the grey patch at his chin was more prominent now; and the creases at his grey blue eyes more defined as he smiled at the waiter.

Chris was quick to avert his gaze as Sebastian turned his attention to him. When he didn’t say anything, Chris looked up and they locked eyes for what felt like the longest moment. Several times Sebastian opened his mouth to say something but bit his bottom lip till Chris could focus on nothing else. Chris could feel the heat flushing over him, the burn at the base of his throat choking him, he wasn’t sure if he spoke any words would come out.

Sitting forward Chris clasped his hands to hide them shaking and cleared his throat as best he could.

“I’m not pulling the script.” Chris said firmly, doing his best to keep looking Sebastian in the eye.

“I said I wouldn’t stand in your way.” Sebastian said calmly.

Chris sat back and shook his head, “Then there is nothing to discuss.”

“Then why are you here?” Sebastian bit back.

Sebastian could see the raw anxiety rushing through Chris and it something Sebastian was all too aware of in himself. It was uncomfortable to see Chris like this, he had only seen it in him a couple of times and while he was able to comfort him then, now he couldn’t, but it didn’t mean he was going to be an asshole about it either.

Sebastian did his best to stay relaxed, countering Chris’s energy.

Despite the distained look on Chris face, Sebastian could appreciate his features, down to his new haircut and slightly longer bread, that was either for new roll or the promotional tour coming up.

“You look great by the way.” Sebastian said with a small nod.

Chris’s jaw which was set eased a little and he swallowed thickly. “Yeah, well, last time I saw you it wasn’t a good look.”

Sebastian fought not to laugh but couldn’t stop himself at the memory. The last night they had seen each other had been the opening night or Chris’s play Lobby Hero in New York. He had a terrible brush cut and an eighties moustache that had made Sebastian, as well as Chris cringe.

Sebastian threw his head back laughing, “It was awful.”

Chris couldn’t stop the smile and chuckle as Sebastian laughed. “It was.”

The both let the nerves and laughter fade as the waiter came over with their drinks. They both smiled and let the moment subdue. The tiredness hit Sebastian like a ton of bricks and whatever he had planned to say faltered on his lips.

“I’m sorry it ever came to this.”

Chris couldn’t look at him, he just nodded. “I know.”

“The script is really good.”

Chris looked up then. “I, it’s not…”

“It is.” Sebastian sighed. “It’s brought a lot of things back.”

Sebastian could see the defensive armour come up in Chris. “It’s how I felt at the time of writing it, I needed to do something, to let it all out.”

“Some of it is true, maybe a bit close to the bone for me.” Sebastian said thinking back on it. “Some of it is fiction.”

“I guess I was filling in the blanks.” Chris said quietly.

“You couldn’t write about some the happier times?” Sebastian said letting a bit of the bitterness shade his voice. “We did have some you know.”

“I know.” Said Chris his voice small. “I found it harder to think back to them… passed everything else.”

They both fell silent, both not willing to approach the subject, not ready to reopen the wounds with accusations and denial.

“How’s the family? How’s Dodger?” Sebastian asked.

The small smile that flittered over Chris face at the mention of his dog and it relaxed Sebastian slightly.

“They are good… my mum asks after you.”

Sebastian smiled, “That’s nice, say hi from me.”

“I will.” Chris nodded. “Dodger…” Chris started hesitantly. “Dodger took a bit of adjustment when you left. He, ah, he kept going from room to room when he came in, looking for you, I guess. Then he sat at your side of the bed pining for a few days, but he adjusted.”

Sebastian let out soft chuckle, “Aw Dodge. It’s nice to be missed.”

“You were.” Chris said earnestly.

Sebastian cleared his throat and adjusted himself, “What about the house? You get everything finished?”

Chris nodded, “Most of it, got a few bits I still need to do but I just haven’t had the time.”

Sebastian stalled; he had run out of pleasantries but there were so many fond memories coming back to him from the house in Boston. It had been something that had been part of his life, something Chris had wanted him involved in and to have walked away from it all had been one of the hardest things in his life, it had become his home with Chris.

Sebastian laughed. “What?” Chris asked raising an eyebrow.

“Do you remember when you finished the paint in the bedroom?” Sebastian laughed harder at the memory.

Chris fought not to laugh, keeping face straight. “I thought we agreed to not talk about that ever again.”

“I never agreed to that.” Sebastian said snorting with laughter. “Oh my god the mess… and your face.”

“It was your fault.” Chris defended. “If I hadn’t been in a rush to meet you at the airport, I would have had time to put the lid on the paint properly before I left.”

“I had nothing to do with it. You had time to put the lid on and if you weren’t so accident prone. Who leaves an open tin of paint in a bedroom?”

“I was excited to show you.” Chris laughed. “I was so close to being out the room safe, tin in hand.”

“Then splat.” Sebastian laughed harder. “It was everywhere. Oh my god it was amazing.”

“It had been amazing, before that happened.” Chris laughed and then pouted at the memory.

“Aw baby it was, you had done a great job.” Sebastian didn’t see the way Chris sobered at the pet name he used.

The laughter faltered on his lips when he finally looked a Chris. It was bitter high; they both shared a great memory but the underlying pain it ended in, killed the moment.

Chris forced a smile. “Took so long to clean up. Had to get a new carpet.” He looked at Sebastian and they burst with laughter again and it made the awkwardness pass.

Late 2015

Sebastian was back in New York; he was on short notice for pickups on Civil War. There was an element where he felt he could relax, and yet he was on edge that the call would come, and he’d be back in Atlanta any day. Everything had been a whirlwind since admitting his feelings to Chris and he felt like he hadn’t had a moment to stop and breath.

When he had left Chris in Atlanta he had had to come back and face the music with Ashley and the abrupt way he had left things. It hadn’t been pretty, and he had told Chris as much when he called him, as he had promised to.

“What did you tell her?” Chris asked down the line.

“Just the same as what I had already had, that I shouldn’t have got involved and that it was selfish of me to do that to her.” Sebastian explained.

“Hmm.”

“What?”

“Why not tell her the truth.”

“That is the truth…” Sebastian said slowly.

“Oh so… being madly in love with me is just… nothing.” Chris said sarcastically.

Sebastian sighed, “Yeah that would go down really well. That would make it sound like I cheated on her.”

“But you didn’t.” Chris reminded him.

“I know but… it feels like I did.” Sebastian’s voice petered out.

“Seb, you didn’t do anything wrong.” Chris comforted, “Trust me, my dick knows all too well how much it was ignored.”

“Oh god,” Sebastian groaned.

Chris laughed, “You have some making up to do.”

“Is that all I am to you now? Some kinda sex slave.”

“Nooo… you’re… well huh, I dunno.” Chris mused.

“Oh wow, thanks.” Sebastian said flatly.

“No wait!” Chris barked with laughter, “I feel like we haven’t really spoken about this.”

“Yeah your mouth was too busy doing other things to talk.” Sebastian said fondly.

“Yes, it was.” Chris said thinking back.

“Chris!” he called knowing he was lost in thought.

“Okay, so we still have to talk about it.” He said. “But I’d like to do it properly.”

“Okay.” Sebastian said coyly.

“Let me take you out on a date.” Chris suggested

“A date?”

“Yeah a proper date.” Chris said enthusiastically.

“And when is this going to be? Do all the times I’ve put out already count?”

Chris laughed, “Soon and yes, every single time counts… they were all perfect.”

“Oh my god.” Sebastian cringed. “You are so cheesy.”

“You’ll learn to love it, like the rest of me.” Chris assured.

Their first date didn’t happen until a few weeks later when they were in Germany shooting for the film. At no point had Chris warned Sebastian that that was what they were doing until they turned up at a restaurant and taken to the table that was secluded and set of two with candlelight.

“What’s this?” Sebastian asked as Chris held out his chair.

“Our date.” Chris said with a knowing smile.

Sebastian sat down dumbfounded. “I just said to Mackie I’ll see you there.” He pointed off in a random direction from where they had come.

“Yeah I told him not to say anything.” Chris said getting himself seated across from Sebastian.

“Why didn’t you say, I feel so under prepared.” Sebastian said running a hand through his hair as if it would have been any different.

“I would have but you surprised me with your friend coming out to visit.” Chris said pouring a glass of water.

Sebastian had dropped the news that Dan was flying over to take in some of the nightlife with Sebastian for the limited time he was going to be there. It had all been a bit last minute but being one of Sebastian’s oldest friends he knew what it was like for Sebastian to travel alone and had been quick to invite himself.

“Sorry.” Sebastian said.

“You don’t have to be, I like Dan, maybe we could all hang out.” Chris suggested.

Sebastian tilted his head and smiled at Chris, “Yeah, that would good.”

Chris cleared his throat feeling awkward asking, “Does he know about… us?”

“No.” Sebastian winced. “He knows I’ve been involved with a guy on and off but not that it’s you.”

Chris nodded, “Will it be a problem?”

“Him knowing? Or not knowing?” Sebastian countered.

Chris reached a hand over and he could see Sebastian give a quick glance round the room before placing his own hand in Chris’s grasp. Chris ran his thumb over the soft skin on the back of Sebastian’s hand.

“I know we are doing this all backwards, like admitting serious feelings before even going on a date with each other.” Chris started. “And there’s the added pressure of the whole coming out thing.”

“That’s not a big deal for me Chris.” Sebastian said squeezing his hand back. “I think that might be more your issue.”

“Scott knows.” Chris said, smiling a little at Sebastian’s surprised look. “He guessed and has been doing his best to drop it casually into conversation ever since.”

“Does anyone else know?”

“Let’s put it this way, I don’t think it’s going to a big shock that there is something between us, but I’ve not sat down and told anyone else.” Chris said with a little shrug.

“Do you want to do that before…” Sebastian gestured between the two of them.

Chris looked at him curiously, “I think that boat has sailed Seb.”

“No, I mean… before making this _official_ or anything.”

There was a fond look on Chris’s face, and he pulled Sebastian’s hand up to kiss the palm. “I love you Sebastian, I don’t need anyone’s approval for that. I want this, us, I want to take you to my family’s home as my boyfriend, my partner, whatever you want to call it, I just want to be with you.”

Sebastian could barely sit at peace feeling his body heat and his face flush. Chris still held his hand to his lips and Sebastian couldn’t stop the smile spread. He felt overwhelmed and embarrassed but the happiest he’d felt in a long time. “I want that too.”

Their night ended in the most punishingly slow fuck of Sebastian’s life. Chris had caressed every part of his body, there was not place his lips didn’t touch and Sebastian had had to beg Chris to move faster before he lost his mind. Chris strung Sebastian out to the last minute before giving him what he wanted, and it had been worth it, watching his body arch up tighten round his cock as he came shouting Chris’s name. It was worth it and that was official.

LA 2019

“I miss the house.” Sebastian said with an absent-minded smile. “I remember you trying to convince me about it.”

“I was right though, wasn’t I?” Chris said warmly.

“Yeah. I still missed New York.”

“You never officially moved out of New York.” Chris said.

Sebastian gave a little sigh, “No… was a good thing I didn’t though.”

Chris tried to ignore the small dig. “Why didn’t you?”

“I like the city and I guess…” He looked at Chris and tried to keep the sadness from his voice. “I guess I was waiting on you asking me to, but you never did.”

Chris felt that kick to the gut, “Would it have made a difference ultimately if I had?”

Sebastian pondered it for a moment. “No. Not when you didn’t trust me.”

And there is was, the other boot to his stomach. Chris put the spoon that sat on the side plate into his long cold coffee and stirred, counting to ten internally.

“I’m sorry that you think I hurt you like that.” Sebastian said.

Chris was quick to respond and just as sharp. “I don’t think you hurt me Sebastian, you _did_ hurt me. You walked away.”

“You pushed me away.” Sebastian hissed across the table.

The hurt and anger that had subsided in the space of a year was bubbling close to the surface and there a thin thread holding their conversation together before it might snap.

Sebastian groaned into his hands, “This was a bad idea.”

“I think so.” Chris agreed.

They didn’t move though, they both stared down at their cold untouched drinks.

“I remember when you flew to Atlanta and told me how you felt, I couldn’t contain myself waiting on you coming back from New York, we were due to fly to Germany.” Chris took a quick glance at Sebastian who was watching him under his lashes. “I had this feeling in the pit of my stomach, I thought it was excitement, but I realised too late it was dread.”

Sebastian flinched at his words, but Chris was quick to follow up on his explanation. “I had wanted you for so long that now you were there, with me and we had finally admitted all these feelings and I was waiting, dreading, for me to muck it all up.”

Sebastian squinted at him. “Why?”

Chris shrugged, “It’s what I do. I come on too strong and I suffocate the person and seem desperate.”

“You didn’t seem like either of those.” Sebastian said delicately.

“I know,” Chris gave a watery laugh, “I went so far the other way to avoid fucking up, I did it in a whole new way.”

Sebastian couldn’t counter his argument because it was true, he had left Sebastian guessing and then Chris’s insecurities had come out and they had been the thing to push Sebastian away.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song for this chapter: Mumford & Sons - Little Lion Man
> 
> Thanks again!


	8. Eight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sebastian want's to remember the good times and find something positive in the bad but Chris has kept the catalyst of their downfall a secret and it was the beginning of the end.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is late... VERY late. If I'm honest I'm not happy with it, I have rewritten it numerous times and I'm nearly finished the next chapter so I had to get this one up! There was as few points that needed to be covered to get to the next part of the story. So I hope you guys stick with me, I'm working on the next chapter just now.
> 
> Also there was only meant to be 9 chapters but there is now going to be 10.
> 
> Thank you so much for reading and I hope you enjoy it.
> 
> Gayle <3

LA 2019

Sebastian shook the water from his hands before reaching for the small towel to dry them. He caught his reflection in the mirror. He was sure his meeting with Chris would have had him looking more tired and worn, but he had managed to hold himself together. It crossed his mind when he excused himself to use the restroom that Chris might bail and run. Sebastian would be lying if he said he hadn’t considered it himself.

They hadn’t spoke for more than an hour and yet neither of them seemed relaxed or comfortable and they weren’t much further forward. Sebastian really wasn’t sure what he was expecting from this meeting. He’d told Chris he wouldn’t stand in the way of the script and they had both shown that they could be civil in each other’s presence so there wasn’t really any need to continue.

There was part of him though that dreading going back out to the bar to find Chris gone and that same feeling was making him cling to the moment. He just wanted to spend that time with Chris, talking about the good memories and remind him that while there had been bad times, the good had outweighed that for him.

On returning to the table, Sebastian felt his heart skip a little to see Chris waiting for him to return. Chris was frantically typing on his phone when he looked up to see Sebastian. He gave a quick and empty smile and pushed the phone back into his pocket. Sebastian motioned to his cup as he sat back across from him.

“Do you want another drink?”

Chris shook his head, “No, thanks.” He looked towards the door and Sebastian felt their time slipping away.

“I guess-”

“Do you wanna-”

They both cut over each other and stopped with awkward smiles.

“I was going to ask if you wanted to maybe go get something to eat.” Chris said.

Sebastian was surprised but nodded. “Yeah, sure, just now?”

“Yeah, maybe grab something, go for a walk, might just, you know…” Chris trailed off.

“Sound’s good.” Sebastian said moving to stand.

“Ah, I don’t know if you want to head out separately?” Chris asked feeling the words fall like heavy weights.

Sebastian felt it too. “Have you got a car with you?” He asked after a moment.

“Yeah.” Chris said.

“Then let’s go.” Sebastian assured.

Being seen together had been a bone of contention between them, it had been one of the things that had sparked the beginning of the end. They were both private people and to have their lives so much in the public light, they had been guarded about their relationship. Despite their differing ways of dealing with any intrusion in their day to day life, their relationship and been one stress too far for them both.

Sebastian hadn’t been shy with who he was and was good at brushing off the questions over his private life, but Chris had actively gone out his way to make sure the question never even came up, hiding from it fervently in the end; even the small walk to the car together now, with nothing between them was hard for Chris to do casually and to see that was hard to swallow for Sebastian.

\--

2016

“Whose place is this?” Chris asked looking up at the apartment building.

“Pete’s and Sam’s, you’ve met them before.” Sebastian said trying to keep the irritation from his voice. “They were at the premiere with me, Pete had just split with his girlfriend, he got drunk and puked on the dance floor…” he rattled off.

It had been the third time he had told Chris this today, but Sebastian knew it would take a lot to get past the static noise in Chris’s head when he had a bug in there about something.

“When did Pete move in with Sam?” Chris asked following Sebastian to the elevator.

“After he split with his girlfriend.” Sebastian entered the empty elevator and fixed his hair in the mirrored wall. “He’s moving out next week… hence the party.”

Sebastian could see Chris nodding along, not really listening and his fingers ghosting over the elevator buttons, not knowing what floor to press. Sebastian reached round him and pressed the floor and stood back watching Chris chewing on his lip.

“What’s wrong Chris?” Sebastian asked with a sigh.

Chris looked at him and shoved his hands deep in his pockets. “Nothing.”

Sebastian reached out and pulled Chris by the front of his shirt, “Come here.” Sebastian slid his arms round Chris’s narrow waist and nudged his nose to Chris’s cheek, his lips caught the edge his jaw and travelled up to his ear, his hot breath making Chris sigh and keen into him. Chris’s hands reached round Sebastian and gripped his ass through the dark denim. Sebastian nipped at Chris’s earlobe making him groan and roll his hips into Sebastian’s.

“Fuck, I want to take you home right now.” Chris said chasing Sebastian’s lips.

Sebastian moaned into his mouth; it wasn’t two hours ago that Chris was taking him hard over the table in his apartment. He could still feel the edge where the table bruised against his hip.

“I’ve not recovered from last time yet.” Sebastian mumbled against his lips.

Chris gave a shudder as Sebastian pressed a hand between them and pushed Chris gently back with his bottom lip still between his teeth. “I’ll be gentle.” Chris pouted letting him go.

“Be good for me tonight and I’ll be good for you later.” Sebastian’s voice was thick with promise.

Sebastian could see the unease that had melted away in his embrace, creep back up gripping Chris. The hope of bailing from the party suddenly disappearing.

“These are my friends Chris, you’ve met most of them, they aren’t going to make a big deal.” Sebastian said knowing where Chris’s thoughts were.

Despite being together for nearly six months now Chris still wasn’t comfortable with them being out like this. He was happy with them locked up alone, the freedom to touch, hold or kiss Sebastian on a whim, no prying eyes or camera flashes. Sebastian understood and he was happy to oblige in their time alone, but he also couldn’t keep himself locked up and away from friends or family. If anything, he wanted to share Chris with them, let them see how happy he made him, not have him locked away like a dirty secret. This wasn’t about making their lives public; it was making Chris part of his life.

Chris knew how Sebastian felt and it must have been written all over his face because Chris did his best to physically relax and cupped Sebastian’s cheek and pressed a reaffirming kiss to his lips. “I’m sorry.”

Chris properly relaxed after a couple of beers and was quite happy to see the familiar faces of the friends he’d met before. When he wasn’t looking for Sebastian, he was sure he could feel his eyes on him which was a comfort of sorts. After a few more drinks he felt Sebastian’s firm hand skirt his waist, Chris enveloped Sebastian’s firm body against his glad of the touch.

With the gentle buzz of his beer fading Chris absently turned smiling and pressed a kiss to Sebastian’s lips. It took Chris a moment to recognise the taste from Sebastian. He looked down at the glass of golden liquid in Sebastian’s hand and back to Sebastian who had gone back to talking animatedly to group Chris had been engaged with.

Chris hadn’t seen Sebastian drink any alcohol in months and as far as he was aware, he hadn’t had any since the night he had spilt with Ashley. Chris watched the flushed cheeks on Sebastian glow and the slight glaze in his eye and listened to the way he tumbled over his words. Chris wasn’t sure how he felt seeing Sebastian like this again, he wasn’t overly drunk but the fear of where he’d seen him go with drinking, soured in Chris’s gut.

Chris’s arm was still firmly round Sebastian anchoring him to his side. When the conversation moved on Chris whispered into Sebastian’s ear. “You ok there?”

Sebastian looked at him and smiled with a tilt of his head in question. Chris clinked his bottle off the rim of Sebastian’s glass. “Oh, yeah.” Sebastian said looking flustered. Stretching he whispered a little too loudly into Chris’s ear. “Dan’s bother Michael didn’t know and poured me one, it’s just one.”

Chris pulled back and raised an eyebrow, “You sure about that?”

“Okay maybe a couple, but it’s ok, you’re here.” Sebastian said squeezing at Chris’s side.

Chris wasn’t fooled and saw the small glint of sadness in Sebastian’s face. “Sebastian talk to me.” He said softly.

“I’m fine Chris, come on.” Sebastian pulling away from Chris and into the small group dancing on the makeshift dancefloor.

Chris didn’t want to upturn the night with whatever was going through Sebastian’s head at that moment, but he knew they’d need to speak about it. Instead he slipped his hands round Sebastian and basked in the heat of his body leaning into his as he moved to the music.

Chris didn’t feel too bright the following morning, his hangover thumping in his head, so he didn’t think it was the right time to talk to Sebastian about his own hangover. After a few failed attempts of getting out of bed, Chris managed to coax Sebastian out to get coffee.

Sebastian’s flat cap was perched on his head as he slumped against the table in the deli staring down at his phone, Chris pushed a cup over the table to him and hunched his coat up round his ears as he took a seat across from him. The welcome breath of air from the walk to the deli had cleared his head but had done little to perk Sebastian up.

“What you looking at?” Chris asked when Sebastian didn’t acknowledge him.

“Photos from last night.” Sebastian handed his phone to Chris for him to see. “There are some good ones.”

Chris scrolled through the images and stopped at a big group one. “That’s a great one.” Chris said handing the phone back.

“Yeah, but none of us together.” Sebastian said his voice was small and he sipped at his coffee.

Chris watched him, his finger wiping at the rim of the cup, he had been muted most of the morning, Chris hadn’t been so chatty himself, but his thoughts went back to that sad smile on Sebastian’s face the night before.

“You want to talk?” Chris offered.

Sebastian kept his eyes trained on the cup and sighed, “Are you annoyed?”

Chris frowned and reached for Sebastian’s hand on the table, “Do I look annoyed?”

Sebastian shook his head, “No… but…”

“Seb, I just want you to know, you can talk to me.” Chris squeezed his hand tighter. “You don’t have to feel guilty or explain yourself if you want a drink, but if there is something that’s making you feel like you need to then talk to me, I’m never going to be annoyed about it.”

“There doesn’t need to be something wrong for me to want to have a drink Chris, sometimes it’s just wanting to be social.” Sebastian said but it didn’t convince Chris at all.

“Is… something wrong?” Chris asked watching Sebastian lace his fingers with his.

Sebastian opened his mouth to speak but the clatter of a something falling to the floor stopped them. Chris tugged his hand from Sebastian’s and watched over Sebastian’s shoulder as the waitress came over apologising for the noise and placing their food down. Sebastian watched as Chris gave the waitress a bright smile as she flustered about the dropped cutlery.

Sebastian flexed his empty hand and placed it in his lap. Chris gave Sebastian a tight smile as the waitress placed down a fresh knife and fork. Chris adjusted his cap to where Sebastian could barely see his eyes and the collar of his coat was up to his ears.

“Are you cold?” Sebastian asked.

Chris looked at Sebastian the sandwich half in his mouth and shrugged. “You know.” He mumbled round his food.

“There is no one here.” Sebastian said flatly looking round the empty deli.

Chris put his food down and wiped at his mouth looking round. He cleared his throat, licking his lips. “It’s just habit.” He gave as an explanation.

Sebastian gave a small nod and looked down at his plate. “Okay.”

“Hey,” Chris reached his hand back out to Sebastian.

Sebastian smiled and shook his head, “It’s ok.” He reassured picking up his own sandwich.

\--

2019

Sebastian stared out at the road as they drove along, the faint music playing to fill the silence between them. As the scenery became more familiar and a smile tugged at Sebastian’s lips.

“It’s been so long since I’ve been up here.” Sebastian said fondly.

Chris flashed a look in his direction and felt a smile come over his own face, matching Sebastian’s. “We were out here plenty.”

“I guess, but this felt more like you’re place, Boston felt more like home.” Sebastian could feel Chris’s eyes on him be he kept his gaze out on the road.

They didn’t speak again until they pulled up outside an old but favourite burger joint that Chris had regularly passed on the way to the dog park with Dodger. He maintained they did the best burger’s he’d ever had and when Sebastian was in LA staying with him, he had presented him with the greasy sloppy burger on a plate. Despite Sebastian’s initial scepticism he had to agree -while he lay on his back unable to move from his food comma- that Chris was right.

“Usual?” Chris offered when he saw the expectant smile on Sebastian’s face.

“I trust your judgement.” He moved to get out the car and stopped. “Do you want me to wait here?”

“I was going to drive us somewhere a bit more peaceful than a diner, but it’s your choice.” Chris shrugged.

Sebastian nodded and sat back in the seat, “I’ll wait then.”

Sebastian watched Chris duck into the diner and checked his phone. There were a couple of messages from Anna and one from Helen, even Anthony had sent a message asking for an update but the lack of message or call from Oliver made his stomach sink. He typed a quick message, saying he’d give him a call once he got back to the hotel and hoped he was ok. Sebastian stared at the phone for a long time hovering before hitting the send button. When he looked up, he saw Chris coming back to the car. Sebastian locked his phone and place its back in his pocket.

“Here you go.” Chris said handing over the bag of hot food and placing the drinks in the holder. “You good to go?”

“Yeah let’s eat.” Sebastian said with a quick smile.

Sebastian was only halfway through his burger and he’d spent more time trying to catch the falling fillings then he’d spent eating it. He turned to the table behind him and placed it in the wrapper. They were sat looking out over the park, shaded by the large tree. Chris straddled the bench looking on to Sebastian.

“Jesus,” Sebastian laughed. “The state of you.” He said picking pick at some of the wilted lettuce that was stuck to Chris’s jumper with mayo. “That’s going to stain.” He wiped his hands on one of the only napkins they had left between them.

Chris looked down, “I remember now why I wear sweats when I get one of these bad boys.” He said scooping a blob of sauce from his top and licking his finger.

Sebastian pulled a face, “It wasn’t just with these burgers Chris, half the time you have something stuck in your beard.”

Chris started whipping at his beard frantically. “No, I don’t.”

Sebastian couldn’t stop the fond smile that came to his lips and how Chris slowed to watch it. Grabbing his drink, he turned way, all too aware how easy it was to get lost when Chris viewed him with one of those looks.

“It’s odd being here without Dodger.” Sebastian with a lopsided grin.

“You guys did a lot of bonding out here.” Chris said nodding.

“We did, after our initial hesitation.”

Chris shook his head, “There was no hesitation on Dodgers part, that was all you.”

“It was an allergic reaction and I was fine after an antihistamine.” Sebastian stated.

Chuckling Chris nudged at Sebastian’s shoulder when he looked up at him in confusion. “There had been a moment, when I worried that I was going to have to choose between you both. I’m so glad it was just the once.”

Sebastian raised his eyebrow, “Yeah, had nothing to do with me taking a dose every time before I arrived.”

“You did that?” Chris asked surprised.

“Of course, I did. Did you think it was magic?” Sebastian rolled his eyes with soft laugh. There was something so endearing in Chris face that made Sebastian’s heart stutter. “I mean the more time I was round him the less I needed it but when coming back from a trip, a few weeks of away, I just took some to be sure.”

“That first reaction was bad.” Chris said thinking back.

\--

Chris had kept Dodger a surprise from Sebastian, despite it being the first thing on his mind when he spoke to him daily. Chris had finished up his latest film and had headed home, Sebastian was due to finish promotion and had managed to change his schedule where he and Chris could spend a couple days in LA without interruption.

Sebastian’s car had rolled up and Chris had managed to subdue Dodger and close him in the back room. Chris was beside himself and it showed when he couldn’t stop the bounce in his feet as Sebastian gave him a bright smile as he came through the door. Sebastian had barely got a hello out before Chris was pulling at the denim jacket down over his shoulders and pressing a hot firm kiss to his lips. Weeks of calls and texting, promises and wanton lust wrapped up in one hello.

“Hi.” Chris smirked when he pulled back and seen how flushed Sebastian was.

“Hi.” Sebastian said basking in the glow.

“I have a surprise for you.” Chris said in a whispered tone.

Sebastian gripped firmly at Chris ass, “Is it this?”

Chris chuckled and ground his hips against Sebastian’s. “Not yet, no.”

Sebastian raised an eyebrow, could feel the giddy excitement radiating off Chris, “Okay.”

“Go sit down and I’ll be right back.”

“Okay.” Sebastian said again giving him a suspicious look and went through to sit down on one of the couches.

It wasn’t until he sat down, he realised how exhausted he was, he had travelled thousands of miles in the space of a few days. While his body had stopped moving, his mind and core where still catching up. He rested his head back on the cushion and closed his eyes feeling a little peace.

It was the cold wetness he felt first, like a bolt of lightning it made him jump just as a large warm wet tongue caught him on the cheek. Sebastian pulled away at the offending owner.

“Sebastian meet Dodger, Dodger that tasty treat there is Sebastian.” Chris said holding on to Dodger and rubbing nose into his scruff.

Sebastian let out a huffed laugh, “Oh my god Chris is this the dog from the video?”

Chris had sent Sebastian a short video of a dog he had seen at a rescue home they had been filming. Chris had made a wistful comment about taking him home but then had never mentioned it again, at least not to him.

“Sure is.” Chris said beaming as Dodger continued his assault on Sebastian.

Sebastian shivered as Dodgers wet nose buried into his hair and sniffed sharply down his neck and chest, smelling Chris from him. “Why didn’t you tell me? How long have you had him home?”

“Just a couple of weeks,” Chris said gleefully. “I dunno, I just got it in my head it would be a great surprise when you got here. Plus, something in the back of my mind said you didn’t really like dogs, so I thought it best to let Dodgers amazing personality win you over.”

Sebastian scoffed, rubbing at Dodgers ears, “I like dogs, never had one but I like them.”

“You seem more a cat guy.” Chris said watching Sebastian rub Dodgers Tummy and pull a stupid face.

“Had a cat when I was younger.” Sebastian said sitting up as Dodger slide down his legs before popping back up, so his head rested in Sebastian’s lap. “Sweet little thing but never had any pet since then.”

Sebastian looked at Chris, his brow was in a frown and finger circling wildly in the air in the direction of Sebastian’s face. “Uh, you… there’s a mark…”

Sebastian put a hand to his face and could feel the heat before he touched the group of raised spots. “I think this was why.” Sebastian stood up feeling the heat prickle up over his body, he pulled his jumper up and revealed more spots above his waistband.

“Aw fuck.” Chris said pulling Dodger way from Sebastian.

“Do you have any…”

“I’ll check!” Chris hollered from the kitchen.

Sebastian headed for the full-length mirror in the bedroom and checked the hot raised bumps on his face. Carefully he pulled his t-shirt over his head and examined how the welts covered him. Chris came into the room with the phone to his ear. “Ok, ok, thanks Ma, I will. Ok bye.”

“Ma said to get in a cool shower, and I’ll got to pharmacy and get some lotion and tablets.” Chris said looking at the angry mark on Sebastian’s cheek. “I’m sorry, I’ll be as fast as I can.”

Sebastian stood under the cool shower, there was random patches of hives but nothing too serious. If he had been prepared it could have been avoided but it had been worth it to see Chris’s excitement at introducing Dodger to him.

By the time Chris had got home Sebastian was laid out on the bed, the sheets soft and smooth against his skin that was starting to calm. Chris brought him a glass of water and a small blister pack of tablets.

“Here, say’s just one a day.”

“Thanks.” Sebastian said leaning on up on his elbow. “Where is Dodger?”

As Chris spoke his eyes flitted over Sebastian’s body covered only by a towel from the waist down. He checked for any of the offending marks. “He’s out on the porch. He has his toy and treat, he’ll be fine.”

“I’m sorry Chris.” Sebastian said handing back the glass of water. “I should be fine round him now though, you don’t have to keep him locked away.”

Chris smiled and held out a hand to Sebastian, “He can wait till I make sure you’re ok.”

Sebastian allowed himself to be pulled up by Chris, his eyes and fingertips examining the fading pink marks. He brushed a thumb over Sebastian cheek where he had first noticed the reaction and kissed it tenderly. He continued down his neck and stopped at his shoulder when he heard the breath shake from Sebastian.

“All good?” Sebastian asked.

Chris couldn’t avoid noticing the way the towel tented out with Sebastian growing hard beneath it.

“I don’t know I need to check everywhere just to be safe.” Chris said with smooth tone that made Sebastian whole body jerk forward. “Lay down.”

Sebastian felt his pulse quicken and he took a step back towards the bed, not realising Chris was holding onto the edge of the towel that was wrapped round his waist. It came away leaving him exposed and aroused. He heard the towel drop on the floor as he crawled up the bed and the bed dip as Chris came up behind him.

“Stop right there.” Chris said pressing a hand to his lower back.

Sebastian did as he was told and lay flat on his stomach, folding his arms for his head to rest. Chris’s hands travelled up his sides and back down again before the bed jumped back up as Chris got up, Sebastian didn’t need to see him to know he was undressing. When Sebastian felt Chris’s weight back on him it was with the warm blanketed heat of Chris’s naked body.

Slowly Chris trailed the soft kisses along his shoulders, his tongue tasting the freshly washed skin. His hands flat against Sebastian’s sides feeling the toned muscles defined beneath his fingers. Sebastian let out a sleepy sigh, the weight of his tiredness catching up with him again as Chris lavished him with delicate affection.

Chris had moved down over his ass, massaging it as he moved lower, pressing a playful kiss and nip with his teeth to the plump flesh of his cheek, it made Sebastian chuckle into the pillow. He felt Chris hands on his thighs, his thumbs rubbing circles, the rough bristle of his beard scratched at the inside of his thighs as he moved down to the backs of his knees. Sebastian’s skin was buzzing but he was so relaxed that he didn’t feel Chris move again.

Sebastian eye’s drifted closed but shot open with a sharp gasp as Chris parted his ass cheeks and dragged a flat wet lick over his hole. Sebastian moved involuntary following the heat and pressure as Chris done it again. A flat firm hand pressed down on his lower back to stop him rutting up. Sebastian let out a whimper that he didn’t know was possible to come from his own body. There was a throaty chuckle from Chris as he heard the panting and tidal wave of pleading that came from Sebastian as he continued to rim him.

\--

Sitting there now the memory playing out in his head, Sebastian felt himself flush and was quick to look away from Chris. He shifted as his insides clenched and a throb pulsed in his underwear. He chanced a quick look at Chris who was looking down with a small smile on his face. Fuck.

Sebastian cleared his throat and took a sip of his drink. “Was a bad reaction alright.”

Chris laughed at Sebastian’s attempt to get their minds back on point. It was hard with so many of their memories laced with some of the best moments of his life with Sebastian. He watched Sebastian profile and could feel the pulling in his chest. He so desperately wanted to reach out and touch him, just hold him for a moment but the feeling was quickly washed over with sadness, he shook himself internally.

“I was talking to Robert the other day.” Chris said looking out to park.

“RDJ?” Sebastian looking at Chris.

“Yeah,” He said turning back to Sebastian. “He reminded me of the Civil War promo tour.” Chris smiled. “He said, he was going to miss us trying to hide our feelings from the world.”

Sebastian let out short snort of laughter. “Right.”

Chris felt his smile fall from his face and looked back to Sebastian. “What? What is it?”

Sebastian shook his head and shrugged, not looking up from his hands. “There was nothing like that trip.” Sebastian said of the memory. “We didn’t have a care, it was fun, it was all about waiting until we could be alone. No one knew.”

“They knew, the people round us knew Seb.” Chris said matter of fact.

“Mackie is the only one that knew for sure.” Sebastian looked at Chris out the side of his eye. “Someone put a doubt in your head.” His voice was low and accusing.

“That’s, that’s not fair.” Chris said.

“Then what happened? Because something changed after that, you put this barrier between us.”

Sebastian watched as the muscles in Chris’s arms flexed, his knuckles whitening as he gripped his hands together. “I… it wasn’t… nothing about how I felt changed, you know that, right?” Chris looked searchingly at Sebastian.

Sebastian gave a curt nod but pressed on. “You still changed, you denied it, but someone said something to you.” He watched as Chris looked at the ground. “Was it, Robert? Did he scare you?”

“What? No!” Chris said looking at him.

“Did you just not like that people thought there was something going on? They never knew Chris they- “

“Stop!”

Sebastian flinched at Chris’s shout. He knew there was something there he wasn’t being told. “What does it matter now Chris? I thought this was what we were doing, getting this all out in the open. We can’t hurt each other anymore.”

Chris looked broken at Sebastian’s words like every word could still cut just as deep now, as it did back then. Clearing his throat Chris spoke lowly, “The studio spoke to me…”

\--

“I don’t know about you, but I feel this could have been an email rather than meeting.” Chris said sitting his coffee next to Joe.

Joe checked his phone and clicked his laptop shut and stored it in his bag. “Ninety nine percent of my job can be done by emails Chris but when the studio bosses want to wine and dine you, you accept.”

Chris smirked, “I know, I also know I’m just here so you can be wined and dined.”

“Maybe if you treated me a bit more often then I wouldn’t need to lap these up.” Joe said with a pout.

“I’m not your type.” Chris winked.

“Don’t I know it.” Joe rolled his eyes. “What time is Seb’s flight getting in?”

Chris checked his watch, “Two hours. I hope this doesn’t take long.”

It took much longer than Chris could have anticipated and mainly down to the shock and anger that Chris was trying to contain to stop himself exploding in public.

Stephen Snowe was a chief executive at Disney, Chris had never met him before, but he knew he was referred to as the Grandfather of Disney. Several people had said it was because he was old school entertainment that you’d watch with your grandfather. Others said it was because he seemed like a man you’d want as your grandfather but was as stern and strict as you could expect.

On first impression Chris had gone with the grandfather you’d like to hang out with and looked forward to seeing on holidays but as he spoke that persona lifted and Chris could see the hardness beneath.

“Kevin speaks so highly of you both.” Stephen said. His voice was like syrup.

Chris didn’t even look in Kevin Feige’s direction, Chris hand seen in the way he had greeted Chris and Joe that this was not a meeting of pleasure and he had said little to no words, letting Stephen do the talking.

“You have made this franchise what it is.” Stephen said sincerely. “I’d like to see you both go far.”

Chris had sat and listened and listened while trying to read between the lines that Stephen was drawing out. As soon as Sebastian’s name came into the conversation it all became clear.

“I don’t know what you think you know.” Chris started but was thrown by the soft chuckle from Stephen.

“I don’t think I know, I’ve seen it, it’s all out there for everyone to see.” Stephen said clasping his hands on the table and leaning in.

Chris looked at Joe who looked down at his hands. Chris turned his attention back to Stephen. “My relationships are not your business.”

“No, no you are right.” Stephen said sitting back. “This franchise is though and I’m asking you to keep your _relationships_ out of it.”

“Jesus.” Chris shook his head in disbelief.

“Sebastian has been through enough troubles.” Stephen said with a grimace. Chris’s head shot up. “He doesn’t need this effecting his future just because you couldn’t keep your hands to yourself.”

Chris felt his fist tighten and then the glasses shake and clattered on the table. Both Joe and Kevin sat forward trying calm to force that was behind Chris’s anger.

“Are you fucking serious? Are you threatening me?”

“Chris.” Joe’s voice broke through in warning.

Stephen’s face was unmoved, unflinching despite the tension round the table. “I just want to see you both succeed.”

Chris was a ball of anger, his knee bounced, and hand covered his mouth and jaw hiding his teeth grinding together. He pressed the tips of the fork into the pad of his thumb till he couldn’t take the pain anymore. Joe sat beside him, watching as Kevin spoke with Stephen at the door of the restaurant. Joe nudged Chris’s leg as Kevin began his way back to the table. Kevin stopped and squeezed Chris shoulder and sat across from him.

“I’m sorry Chris, I would have said to you before if I’d known.” Kevin said. When Chris didn’t respond Kevin continued. “Nothing’s changed as far as I’m concerned, nothing.”

Chris looked at him and brought down his hand. “My private life is private; I won’t be threatened.”

“No, and I’m not condoning what Stephen said.” Kevin said with a shake of his head. “But I’m not in control of him Chris. All I can say it that he doesn’t come without power.”

Chris scowled at him, “What are you saying?”

“Be discreate, talk to Sebastian. Just do what you think is right.” Kevin stated.

Chris pushed his chair back from the table and got to his feet. “I’m not giving him up.”

The anger that raged through his body, propelled him till he was at the house, he staked the hall not knowing what way to turn. His phone beeped; it was Sebastian letting him know he was in the car on the way from the airport. He knew he’d have to tell him, explain that he was sat down and told to rethink their relationship if he didn’t want to see a direct impact on their careers.

Chris’s phone beeped again.

_Joe: Don’t do anything rash! Take time to calm down Chris._

It didn’t help, if anything it made him angrier.

As soon as Sebastian was through the door and Chris had held him and the anger that coursed through him began to subside into relief, relief that Sebastian was there, relief that Sebastian was happy to see him and relief that he wasn’t going to be alone in this. Chris could see the tiredness seeping off Sebastian when he’d finally let go, it wasn’t the right time to do this, to tell him of the idle threats of Stephen fucking Snowe.

_“They can only hurt you if you let them Chris.” Joe had whispered frantically when Stephen had got up to leave after a curt goodbye. “Fuck them!”_

_“What if he cuts Seb from the franchise? what if he leaks the stuff about the rehab?” Chris questioned._

_“The rehab is nothing new, he can weather that. Anyone can.” Joe shook his head thinking, “You just have to speak to Sebastian, you have to be more careful in public, no public displays of affection.”_

_“There is none of that now.” Chris said coldly looking to Joe._

_“It’s just a case of being careful, that’s all.” _

When he and Sebastian had been fooling around, they had been so careful when they were in others company, not even admitting to themselves there was anything going on. Now though with their feelings open and their developing relationship he realised how his instinctive reaction round someone he cared for came out. He was tactile and couldn’t keep his eyes off Sebastian, never mind his hands. He hadn’t been able to hide that affection for Sebastian when they had been on the press tour. That was what that fucking Snowe was basing it all on and Chris couldn’t even deny it.

“You have long fingers.” Chris murmured in to the dark.

Pinching the individual fingers between his index and thumb, he ran the length of Sebastian’s digits one by one to the neatly trimmed nails. He held his hand loosely in his own where it landed on his stomach after Sebastian had crashed into the bed. Chris circled his fingers round Sebastian’s wrist and continued to trail his fingers along the dusky skin of his arm. He could see the hair begin to stand on end and the goose bumps that followed.

Lying here now, with Sebastian at his fingertips, he wanted to show that affection, but Sebastian was exhausted. His plane had been delayed, he had been flying back from promotion in Singapore for his latest film, he had barley slept and with a short stopover he had come straight to see Chris.

Chris rolled over until he was on his side and pulled the sheet down just so it was still covering Sebastian’s ass. Pressing a wet warm kiss to Sebastian’s shoulder Chris couldn’t stop the joy in the hitch in breath beside him as Sebastian fought to fall into slumber.

“Seb.” Chris whispered against his warm skin. “Baby.”

Chris had watched Sebastian strip with not much grace and mumble about how the journey had been and he had all but given up at looking for his toothbrush in his case before Chris took over the search and handed it to him, toothpaste and all. He had come out of the bathroom and smiled a seductive and tired smile at Chris, crawled up into his lap and kissed him with the last of the energy he had.

Chris had taken pity on him and the hard cock that lay against his own. Taking them both in his hands he rolled them together and tightened his fist round them, Sebastian had moaned and thrust up into his hand. Sebastian gripped round Chris’s neck and licked into his mouth panting with desperation. Words broken and raw between them of missing and needing each other sent Sebastian over the edge and Chris close behind him with a groan. He had stilled in Chris’s lap, his head on Chris’s shoulder, looking down at the mess between them.

It was only after a moment when their breaths had calmed that Chris could feel the weight of Sebastian as he began to fall asleep against him. Chris had done his best to gracefully get Sebastian onto the bed to so he could clean them up, but Sebastian’s arm hand landed over him and he didn’t want to move so he didn’t, instead just enjoying the heat of them together.

“I love you Sebastian.” Chris said his lips against nape of Sebastian’s neck.

Sebastian shivered and mumbled into his pillow. Chris was sure it was the same sentiment back.

Chris just listened to the deep soothing breaths of Sebastian’s sleep. “I’m not going to let them hurt us.” Chris pressed another kiss to Sebastian’s neck. “I promise, they can go fuck themselves.”Chris sighed at the sound of his own voice in the quiet room, “I won’t let them hurt you.”

\--

Sebastian shook his head staring at Chris, the words sinking in, “They couldn’t… they didn’t.”

“The threat wasn’t aimed at me.” Chris looked as Sebastian tried to work out what he was saying.

“What the fuck Chris, why didn’t you tell me this then?” Sebastian spat out. An anger gnawing at his gut.

Chris shook his head he couldn’t bring himself to look at Sebastian. “It didn’t matter.”

“The fuck it mattered!” Sebastian shouted. “Jesus Chris why keep this from me?”

“Because I wasn’t going to let them do that to us, it wasn’t going to change how I felt.”

The air was heavy between them, Sebastian rested his head in his hands. “So the studio threaten you with ending our relationship, or I’d be out a job?” He felt Chris shift beside him. “You didn’t think that important enough to tell me?”

“I thought I was protecting you.” Chris’s voice was small.

“But you didn’t end it,” Sebastian looked up at him. “They must have known that.”

“I just made sure I was more careful; they didn’t need to know if it wasn’t obvious.” Chris explained.

Sebastian shook his head, “This doesn’t make sense.” He turned to look at Chris. “Why not just tell me.”

“I was trying to protect you; it was the first time I’d seen you happy and content in a long time. I wasn’t going to let it affect us and it didn’t.” Chris stated.

“No? You sure about that?” Sebastian asked. “All those times you pulled away from me, all those moments where you were there but would take a step back. Every time we were around other people, friends and family?”

Chris shook his head, “I was being careful, protecting us.”

Sebastian groaned into his hands and swore under his breath. “All those things, all those little things, if I’d known Chris, if you’d just told me… It wouldn’t have mattered that we weren’t doing these things, but I would have known. You sent so many confusing fucking signals… I…”

Chris knew he should have told Sebastian about the meeting, but he thought he was doing the right thing but there was also the selfish reason too. “I thought you might agree with them.” Chris voiced his biggest fear.

“What?” Sebastian asked incredulously.

“You had spoken before about not wanting to get in the way of my career… I thought if I told you, you might walk away once you knew the scale of it, what was a risk.”

Sebastian was dumbfounded and stared silently are Chris, his words ringing in his ears.

“I loved you Chris, I wouldn’t… I…” Sebastian froze when he saw the tears coming down Chris’s face into his beard.

“I felt I’d just got you back, I didn’t want you to listen to them.” Chris choked out.

“It was a risk that should have been mine to take.” He said, his anger petering out.

The fact that Chris had kept this from Sebastian didn’t surprise him now in the light of what had become of their relationship. What hurt and angered Sebastian was that Chris had had that doubt about his character so early on and he had been powerless to defend it.

The seed of doubt that had been planted, had sprouted into the mistrust Chris had in Sebastian. Ultimately, they had won, the studio had got their way, it had destroyed both Chris and Sebastian, maybe not publicly but privately, they were on different paths.

“Should I have just kissed you up on stage?” The words tumbled out of Chris’s mouth into the silence that had settled between them.

Sebastian just shook his head and looked straight ahead. “That wouldn’t have solved the problem.”

“Maybe not, but at least people would have known, it would have been a fuck you to them all.” Chris rationalised.

“It wasn’t about everyone knowing Chris and you know that.” Sebastian said looking over at Chris.

Sebastian thought for a moment “Is it your intention on coming out on the back of this manuscript?”

Shaking his head slowly Chris cleared his throat. “It’s not my intention to out anyone, me or you. But it doesn’t scare me, not anymore.” His words trailed off to barely a whisper.

Time lapsed as they sat in silence, it played over his Sebastian’s head, he wasn’t sure if he could believe it and he wasn’t sure he had the facility to deal with it now. What anger he might have had back then finding out something like this, seemed numbed now, the threat of loss was not as great since they had already lost each other.

Sebastian turned back to the table behind him and absently began clearing up the rubbish. He had nothing to say and didn’t know what to do, it all seemed so pointless now. Chris watched him and wiped at his tears.

Sebastian seemed to stare into space lost in thought. “I’m sorry.” Chris said reaching out and taking Sebastian’s hand. “I should have told you. I’m sorry.”

Sebastian looked down at Chris and he could see he was, for Chris being an actor, he was a terrible liar, his heart was on his sleeve and it broke Sebastian’s heart to see him as upset. Sebastian couldn’t find the words; he didn’t know what to say. “Okay.” He nodded and took his hand from Chris’s hold. He took the bag of rubbish away, giving himself a moment to think, his mind reeling.

When he came back he sat down with a deep sigh, he looked at Chris, his face red and blotchy. “If it had backfired and they had cancelled my career, would you have told me you knew why?”

Chris thought for a moment, “I didn’t even think, I just… I didn’t think.” Chris admitted and Sebastian nodded. “I’d have quit, I’d have left it all for you.” Chris said earnestly.

Sebastian huffed a laugh, “Great both of us out of work actors, what a pair that would have made.”

Chris smiled grateful at Sebastian’s attempt to lighten the mood. “I could have gone to teaching or something, I would have looked after you.”

“Damn straight.” Sebastian huffed a laugh. “I could have been your trophy husband that got drunk at family gatherings… given Aunt Marie a run for her money.”

Chris burst with laughter, it warmed his body to see Sebastian chuckle too. He couldn’t stop the rise and fall of his emotions fluctuating from the tears to laughter, he was a mess and knew it. Chris let out a shuddery breath as his laughter subsided.

“I told Aunt Marie.” Chris said after a moment watching Sebastian’s profile, a smile on his lips.

Sebastian looked at Chris with a moment of confusion before raising his eyebrows. “Wow, then let’s get back together now she knows. Do we have her approval?” His voice drawled.

-

Sebastian pictured the image he had of Aunt Marie from the only time he had met her. She had brought along her neighbours’ daughter to Chris’s housewarming in Boston, all in the hope that she had found the love of his life and he could start a family with her.

Chris had explained that while she was the biggest supporter of her nieces and nephews, she wasn’t averse to letting her opinion be known on their lifestyles. When Scott had come out to his family, she had said very little but had maintained that he’d “Come good.”

_“What the fuck does that mean?” Sebastian asked._

_Chris shrugged, “I dunno, that he’s experimenting and that one day he’s going to change his mind.”_

_“Experimenting?” Sebastian said sceptically, “He’s now what… thirty-three? How long is this experiment meant to last?”_

_“I know, I know, but look she means no harm, she loves us all and him being gay doesn’t change that.” _

_“What does Scott say about it?” Sebastian asked._

_“He just brushes it off, he’s threatened to bring home a girl at Thanksgiving one year just to make her smile.” Chris joked._

_“And when are you going to tell her about us?” _

_Chris had half laughed and rolled his eyes, “I’ll give her thanksgiving and then tell her at Christmas.”_

There had been so many friends and family at the housewarming it had been hard for Sebastian to keep track of everyone, but Chris had been sure to introduce Sebastian to all the new faces. It maybe hadn’t been what he had expected in a way of introduction.

_“You know my buddy Seb.”_

_“This is Sebastian a buddy I worked with.”_

_“Yeah my buddy Seb from New York.”_

Sebastian had stared blankly at Chris after the first dozen times, it wasn’t that he was expecting to be introduced as his boyfriend, but Chris seemed unaware and too buzzed with the party to notice he had given him a new name. Thankfully Scott and swooped in before Sebastian lost the plot as Chris brought another new face to meet him, but not without getting his own kick out of it.

“Come on _buddy_, let’s get you a drink.” Scott had smirked.

\--

Sebastian smiled fondly at the memory.

“What did you say to her?” Sebastian asked Chris of his confession to Marie.

“She was over at my parents and had brought up the whole conversation of me settling down again.” Chris said. “Everything was still raw, and I bit her head off, told her to stop going on, that I’d just split up with the guy I was in love with.” Chris gave an awkward half smile.

“How did she take it?” Sebastian asked.

Chris huffed, “Pretty well actually.” He looked away feeling the heat under Sebastian’s stare. “I had to apologise. Dad told me not to bother, said it was the funniest thing he’s seen in a while.” Sebastian laughed.

Chris looking away with a sad smile. “I told a lot of people after we split up.”

“Oh yeah?” Sebastian said arching an eyebrow.

“Yeah,” Chris give a small laugh, “turns out a lot already knew. Couple of the guys ribbed me for the way I so masterfully failed to hide my feelings and how I looked at you.” Sebastian blushed at that. “They’d seen my game plenty of times before, knew what was going on.”

“Did they ask why you didn’t say anything?”

Chris took a thoughtful breath, “I think they knew that I was nervous about it. I think they were also disappointed that I thought they might have any other reaction then being supportive.”

“Yeah, I bet they did.” Sebastian nodded.

Chris looked out over the park and took a drink of his soda. “They… they also said I was a fucking idiot.”

“For anything in particular or just in general?” Sebastian said with a smirk.

“Ha, Ha.” Chris said shooting him a quick squinted look. “For letting my insecurities getting in the way and messing it up.”

“There was a bit more then just your insecurities.” Sabastian stated.

Chris nodded knowingly, “If I’d been honest with you, not kept _that_ from you. Maybe if I’d just not been so concerned what other people thought it would have been different.”

Chris could feel the heat of Sebastian’s eyes scorching his skin. Chris chanced a look and could see the hard line of Sebastian’s jaw clench as if he was fighting to hold something back.

“You had told me once if I’d just turned my mind off and listened, maybe I wouldn’t have hurt us both, that it was all my fault.” Chris said tilting his head almost in question.

Sebastian gave a little shake. “What we said in the heat of the moment Chris…”

“It was more often than not, the truth.” Chris finished.

Sebastian felt sick then, thinking back to all the horrible things they had thrown at each other during their breakup.

“You really think I cheated on you?” Sebastian asked tentatively.

Chris dropped his chin to his chest and shook his head. It did nothing to convince Sebastian which was a kick to the gut.

“Am I the reason you went back to drinking?” Chris asked.

“Yes.” Sebastian answered honestly and looked away at the twist of pain in Chris’s face. “Yes.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading. Let me know what you think :)


	9. Nine

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The reasons for their relationship coming to an end is all out in the open.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can take no more angst after the this chapter and I promise there will be no more! This a long one but its gets it all out between them and then there is one final chapter.
> 
> Thank you so much for reading <3

Early 2017

Chris milled about the kitchen pretending to be busy, he wiped the same spot on counter several times and stirred his coffee that had long gone cold. He hated this part of the day, or any part of the day that Sebastian was leaving. I didn’t matter how long he would be gone for, but that last hour hearing him pack up and placing his bags in the hall by the door made Chris feel anxious and depressed. He’d never admit it out loud, but he wished if Sebastian _had_ to leave that he would do it during the night while Chris slept, that way he wouldn’t have to watch him go.

Chris tried to make a metal list of the jobs that still had to be done to the house he’d bought in Massachusetts. It was something Chris could lose himself in and on some days when he was struggling through the upheaval of the work, the thought of Sebastian coming back and seeing the progress he had made spurred him on. It was starting to feel like a home, but it felt empty as soon as Sebastian left.

The longest Sebastian had spent at the house with Chris had been two weeks and it had flown by. Chris could see Sebastian getting itchy feet to get back to New York. The thought had crossed his mind if it was Sebastian’s home too, if Sebastian moved in then maybe he wouldn’t get so restless. It was a thought that Chris never voiced, concerned it might scare Sebastian off.

Opening the door to take the bin out, Chris bumped into the recycling box, there was a loud hollow clunk from the empty bottles. Chris knew he had only emptied it a few days ago so to see it full of beer bottles and several wine bottles again gave Chris a sinking feeling that he had decided to ignore.

It wasn’t something Chris wanted to think about, but it was a constant niggle in the back of his head. It was a combination of two people having some drinks, not just one. They would have a beer before dinner, maybe a bottle or wine with dinner and Sebastian would pour Chris a nightcap but never took one for himself. Sebastian had his limit and he stuck to it. That was until Chris realised a few nights ago they had gone through three bottles of wine -and when Chris checked the fridge the following morning- most of the beer.

Chris had woken up all week with a hangover, a dull ache that Sebastian had kissed away and made him forget about it. Chris had promised himself he wouldn’t let it happen again, but they were in a lazy routine. They would curl round each other till late morning, until Dodger would wait no longer pining to get out. They’d grab some groceries and a coffee and walk the outskirts of the park throwing a ball of Dodger. If Chris’s head was clear enough, he’d join Sebastian in the gym, but he was honest enough to admit that he just wanted to watch Sebastian get hot and sweaty.

By the time dinner rolled round Chris would have made Sebastian dirtier than he had been going into the shower and he found himself again with a bottle of beer in hand and Sebastian distracting him with kisses.

Sebastian always looked so bright eyed in the morning and showed no signs of a hangover, that might have been what fooled Chris into thinking that it hadn’t been that much that they’d drank. Being there just the two of them, tipsy and wrapped up in each other made Chris ignore the problem and it was a problem, Chris knew it, but he wasn’t about to sour their last moments together bring it up.

“There you are.” Sebastian said as Chris came in the door. “I’ve called a car.”

“I could have taken you.” Chris said.

Sebastian gave him a look and shook his head. “It’s ok.”

“Of course, you could just stay here this weekend.” Chris said pulling Sebastian to his chest. “It’s going to be fun.”

It was the start of the football season and Chris had invited some friends over to watch the preamble and game at his place. Sebastian had been quick in letting Chris know that he might just head back to New York and attend the party he was invited to. Chris had been disheartened and admitted he was hoping it would have been a good chance for Sebastian to hang out with his friends more.

“Fun as in you ignoring me all afternoon and having to check myself every time, I’m within three feet of you… hmmm I think I’ll pass.” Sebastian had said with a slight challenge.

Chris cocked his head to the side, “That’s not fair… I want you here.” He said pressing a kiss to Sebastian’s hair.

Sebastian sighed as the warmth of Chris’s embrace. “We can hang out with other people Chris, you don’t want to do the party, which is fine. I don’t want to hang around for just a football game.”

Chris took Sebastian by his shoulders and held him at arm’s length despite Sebastian’s protest. “Baby, sweetheart, light of my life, if you call it _just_ a football game again… you won’t be invited back.” Chris tilted his head at him with a fixed smile.

Sebastian couldn’t stop the laugh at Chris’s semi-serious face. “I’ll see you in few days.” He said pressing a kiss to Chris’s lips.

“Few days?” Chris said as Sebastian pulled away. “I thought it was just the one night.”

Sebastian kept his back to Chris patting his pockets for his wallet and phone. “Yeah but I thought I’d try catch up with the guys from the gym too.” When Sebastian stood back up, he could see the little frown on Chris’s face even when he tried to hide it with a smile. “I’ll call you.” His phone buzzed in his pocket. “That’s my car.”

Sebastian didn’t stop Chris from wrapping his arms round him, Chris’s body pressed hard against his, enjoying the burn from Chris’s bread as he kissed him and violating the terms of a tender goodbye kiss with his tongue, it made a weight drop to his gut and his dick grow hard.

“Fuck.” Sebastian huffed as Chris pulled back, there was smug look on Chris’s face as there was no way of hiding the hard outline in Sebastian’s jeans.

“Have a good time baby.” Chris smirked enjoying the way Sebastian’s cheeks flushed.

Chris knew Sebastian had had a good time; he could see by the photos that Sebastian sent but he could see more in the pictures that appeared online. Chris felt stupid searching his boyfriend online, but he felt a weird curiosity and it wasn’t a bad thing. That was until he saw something that made his gut twist in discomfort. Ashley.

Sebastian had told Chris he was going to catch up with people from the gym, he didn’t realise that it had meant Ashley and it would be at the event he was going to. Maybe Sebastian didn’t know, maybe he did, maybe he just didn’t think it was important enough to say. Chris wasn’t even sure that they had kept in touch. Surely, he would mention it, Chris didn’t want to ask, it would show that he’d looked for the pictures so, Chris tried to put it to the back of his mind, it wasn’t important.

It wasn’t.

\--

“Fuck, fuck, Chris… please… aaahhh.” Sebastian grit out through his teeth as Chris fucked him hard against the wall, his teeth sinking into Sebastian’s collarbone.

A trail of Sebastian’s clothes from the door to the bedroom lay in the wake of his arrival a couple of days later. Chris had wasted no time in working Sebastian up into a frenzy before he could even get out of his jacket. There was a desperation in the depth of Chris to claim Sebastian, make him feel missed and wanted but there was something selfish underneath, Chris wanted Sebastian to feel him, beg for him and making Sebastian his.

There was a hesitation in Sebastian at first as Chris took him roughly, it wasn’t something that he was used too but he can’t say it didn’t turn him on. He found himself encouraging Chris as teeth sunk a little deeper, fingers gripped harder, it was something he wasn’t even aware he needed as the groans were ripped out of him. Even the first feel of Chris’s wet slick fingers pressing into him leaving bruising marks that were sunk into his skin, had him reeling and desperate for more.

“What’s got into you?” Sebastian had voiced but had been ignored as Chris grabbed at him and walked him back until his shoulders colliding with the smooth cool wall.

Sebastian had just held on lost as Chris licked into his mouth, urgent hands grasping as Chris hoisted Sebastian’s legs up and he braced himself hard against the wall, feeling the harness of Chris’s cock pressing against his hole.

“Chris.” Sebastian has warned, his voice shaking at the adrenaline. “Fuck, slow down…”

“I need you.” Chris had panted into Sebastian’s cheek as he pressed into him.

Sebastian couldn’t speak, his words strangled at the intrusion and mixture of discomfort and pleasure. Chris didn’t slow once he was seated in the heat of Sebastian, instead taking a punishing speed, hips jerking as he fucked him. The air was full of stifled moans and begging, Sebastian’s fingers pulled at Chris’s hair and he rotated his hips when Chris began to slow on verge of his high.

Chris stilled letting Sebastian move in his lap and he gripped Sebastian’s heavy wet cock between them and started tugging hard and fast, it didn’t take long for Sebastian to give out a strangled shout, coating Chris and himself. Chris was felt the heat of Sebastian’s release tighten round his cock and gave a few short sharp thrusts before he exploded deep inside him.

Chris dropped one of Sebastian’s legs, his hand coming flat on the wall beside his head to steady himself. His head was spinning, and his legs felt unstable, his breath was hitched and painful. Sebastian placed his hands on both cheeks and pressed gentling closed mouth kisses to Chris’s lips. Chris slipped from Sebastian and they both gave out a hiss.

“Fuck.” Chris breathed.

“That was… fuck…” Sebastian swallowed thickly and pulled Chris till his head rested on his shoulder and his breathing relaxed.

Chris lay out on the bed and listening as the shower shut off. He had a sick feeling in the pit of his stomach, Sebastian had barely spoken, instead just giving Chris the kisses, he thought Chris needed. Chris wasn’t sure what had come over him, he wasn’t sure if he had overstepped the mark, Sebastian had asked him to slow down and he hadn’t, needing something himself.

When the door to the bathroom opened Chris braced himself but only found a soft and wet Sebastian, a faint smile on his lips. He rubbed the towel over his chest and watched Chris, they could both be heated by Chris’s cheeks right then. Sebastian sat on the end of the bed and let the towel rest over his lap. He reached out as Chris sat up, their fingers linking together. Sebastian spoke after a moment when he realised that Chris was not going to look at him.

“You going to tell me where that came from?” Sebastian voice was soft inquisitive.

“I’m sorry,” Chris started, a tear dripping down on his leg.

“Hey,” Sebastian said moving closer and squeezing at Chris’s fingers, “What’s wrong, what’s happened?”

Chris wiped at the tears on his cheeks, “Did I hurt you?” He asked looking up at Sebastian.

“No… no, just a little rougher than normal… I’m ok.” Sebastian tried to reassure.

Chris looked at the marks on Sebastian’s shoulder where his teeth had pressed into him. “I don’t know what came over me.” His voice was distant and scared, at his own admission.

Sebastian crawled up into Chris’s lap, his towel abandoned and his skin still damp. He pulled Chris’s hands up and pressed them to his chest, concerned with how scared Chris seemed to be to touch him. His knees pressed into the side of Chris’s hips.

“Look at me.” Sebastian whispered. Chris did with but with a little doubt. “I’m fine, if I’d wanted you to stop, I’d have said stop.”

Sebastian pressed a hot wet kiss to Chris’s lips, “I love you; you can tell me if something’s wrong.”

Chris sniffed and let his arms circle round Sebastian’s waist. “I missed you.”

Sebastian wasn’t convinced that was the reason but gave a small nodded and pushed Chris back into the covers and lay on top of him. He could hear Chris’s heart beating slowly and the occasional hitched breath as his tears trailed off.

“How was the game?” Sebastian asked his fingers trailing up and down Chris’s bicep.

“Slow but we won.” Chris said. He swallowed thickly and tried to keep his voice neutral. “How was the party?”

Sebastian gave out a sigh, “It was good, the usual, drinks and posing for some pictures. Was more fun after we left.”

Chris could feel his heart racing and was worried Sebastian would feel it as is picked up pace. “What did you do after?”

“Few of the guys from the gym came out, it was good to see them.” Sebastian said letting his finger lightly trace round Chris’s nipple. “Even saw Ashley.” Sebastian said matter of fact. “She was surprisingly happy to see me. It was nice, she’s met his guy that’s an artist, she’s talking of moving out to California to be with him.”

Sebastian propped himself back up on his elbow and looked at Chris concerned. “You ok?”

Chris let out the breath he’d been holding and nodded, “Yeah, yeah I’m fine.” He let out a puff letting his body relax. “Did you tell her about us?”

Sebastian shook his head, “I told her I’m with someone, not who… are you annoyed I didn’t?” He asked when he saw the slight disappointment on Chris’s face.

“No… no, it might be weird.” Chris reasoned.

“No, it wouldn’t Chris, but I think she’d know something had gone on if I’d told her it was you. I don’t want people this think we did something when I was seeing her.” Sebastian pressed as kiss to Chris’s chest and moaned as Chris ran his fingers through his hair and tugged at it.

“I love you Sebastian.” Chris whispered.

Sebastian looked up from where his lips were pressed to Chris’s chest and cocked an eyebrow suggestively. “Show me.”

\--

2019

Sebastian never looked at Chris. They both knew they wouldn’t speak about it again if they didn’t do it now, no matter how the chill of the early evening air got to them.

“I knew you were a jealous person, even away back at the start,” Sebastian sighed, “You thought something was going on with one of the stunt guys.”

Sebastian heard Chris swallow thickly beside him. “At first it just felt like you wanted me, needed me…”

“I did.” Chris’s voice was barely audible.

“… But at the same time, you kept me at a distance.” Sebastian continued his train of thought, ignoring Chris. “That can’t be all to do with what the studio had said.” Sebastian turned to Chris looking for an answer, but Chris wasn’t forth coming.

“You hid so much of your life from people close to you, that you weren’t you anymore.” Sebastian said pining Chris with a look.

Chris stared at him dead on, his chest rising and falling quickly. He didn’t have an argument, so he sat and listened, like he knew he should have done back then when it could have made a difference.

New York 2017

Sebastian flipped to the last page of the glossy magazine and turned it over, Chris’s face stared back at him, it had given him a warm feeling see it at first. Now having read the interview within the pages, he felt an odd sense of detachment, sadness, bitterness. On one hand he could say that was _his_ Chris on the cover and the passion he spoke in the article made him proud, it was a short snapshot into the mind of Chris but nothing too revealing. On the other hand, it was a lie.

As expected, the interview had gone into his personal life, family, home, dog and then his love life.

What was he to say? Sebastian rationalised, he wasn’t going to come out in the interview, he wasn’t going to mention he and Sebastian had been dating for over a year, he hadn’t even got past telling his immediate family. That was fine. It was, Sebastian reminded himself.

Sebastian knew even if Chris mentioned there was someone special in his life, that would be like opening a can of worms and however careful they were now, they would have to reinforce it tenfold. Chris had only become relaxed enough to go out locally with Sebastian in his hometown, which usually ending with Sebastian giving in and letting Chris drag him home.

No, it wasn’t an option. But what stung, was what Chris _had_ said.

** _What’s next for you, after you hang up the shield? _ **

_“I definitely want children. I definitely want a family. But you cannot put the cart before the horse. The family only works if it’s built off the extension of the love you feel for a person. If you all of a sudden want to the kid more than you want the relationship, you may be on shaky ground.”_

** _And what about that relationship?_ **

_“Well that’s where I have to start, I just haven’t met her yet.”_

** _Yet. There is still a chance for us ladies._ **

_Definitely._

It was imprinted in Sebastian’s brain, but still he read it over again.

Chris did want children, Sebastian knew that, that wasn’t a lie.

Chris hadn’t met the woman that was going to give him children yet. That was true. But he was also in a relationship with Sebastian, telling him he loved him. When exactly were these ladies going to get a chance?

Sebastian cursed himself because he was reading too much into one article, one half-truth. He knew if he asked Chris about it his fears would be kissed away because what they had was real. So was the fact that in the space of a year, no one past Chris’s close family knew about them, not his friends, not the people he worked with. It was also true he wasn’t comfortable in this own skin or just going out casually with Sebastian.

How could you build anything on that?

Sebastian stuffed the magazine into the bin and poured himself a drink to forget.

Few weeks later

Sebastian was reclined back on the sofa, his feet resting on the small table in front of him. On first glance Chris thought he had fallen asleep reading, his eyes were closed, a hand holding a book of paper to his chest, his breathing slow. Then every so often he would pick up the paper, let his eyes scan it then place it back and close his eyes again. He had done it several times, Chris watching from where he sat at the dining table, his laptop screen long faded to black.

Chris didn’t want to intrude but the small crease between Sebastian’s brow was something Chris wanted to kiss away. Standing over him Chris cleared his throat gently, Sebastian’s eyes fluttered opened and stared up. Chris was caught right there in that gaze, curious and beautiful, it was the moments like this that reaffirmed daily to Chris why he loved Sebastian.

“What’s up?” Sebastian asked when Chris didn’t say anything, only a smile on his face.

“Nothing.” Chris said leaning down and pressing a small kiss to Sebastian’s forehead.

Sebastian watched as Chris collapsed into the chair beside him, a stupid grin in place.

“What you reading?” Chris asked.

Sebastian handed over the script that was in his hand and edged closer to Chris. Chris took the invite gladly and tucked Sebastian under his arm, his head resting against his chest. Chris gave the script a quick look over and turned back to the page Sebastian had been mulling over.

“This what you are off to film?” Chris asked. Sebastian just hummed against his chest.

They didn’t speak a lot about work and projects, it wasn’t that they weren’t interested in what each other them were doing it was more that it was just another reminder that it was going to be; more travel and more time apart. The ritual of packing and the bags at the door were one that was ignored and unspoken.

Another reason they don’t talk about projects had been from the time they had argued about a script Sebastian was reading, Chris had scoffed at it and so had started a long debate about entitlement and choice. Sebastian had maintained that Chris had never truly known what it was like to be a struggling actor, he had never been on his last dime and taken any role he could get to keep a roof over his head. Chris was quick to point out neither of them technically had. It had just enraged Sebastian more and asked Chris to just respect his choices, it was his career to make.

The memory had given Chris an unpleasant feeling. He squeezed at Sebastian and pressed a kiss into his hair. “You are going to be amazing.”

This had Sebastian shifting round so he could see Chris’s face, searching for any sign of anything disingenuous. Chris pouted almost reading his mind, “Shut up you idiot.” Sebastian said stretching to pull Chris into a kiss.

Later that night Chris had watched Sebastian get ready to go out. It always made Chris feel insecure and processive. There was nothing stopping Chris from going with Sebastian apart from his own anxieties. It was always the same when he came to New York; apart from the odd night with Sebastian’s close friends Chris had never really ventured out with Sebastian.

Tonight, Chris thought it might have been different, he was due to fly out to LA for a photoshoot and meeting and Sebastian was due on set in Portland for the next month. They wouldn’t get to see each other for weeks. Chris in his own selfishness had thought it might have made Sebastian change his mind and he would have stayed at home with Chris that night. But it hadn’t and despite Chris’s obvious and childish sulking for most of the afternoon, it hadn’t deterred Sebastian getting ready.

“Are you sure you couldn’t just skip the show?” Chris asked his frustration flaring in his voice.

Sebastian gave him a tired look in the mirror’s reflection. His own patience at Chris’s attitude to his plans had been withered to nothing. “I’m supporting my friend Chris, there is nothing to stop you doing the same.”

They had been on the verge of this argument all day, it was one that Sebastian was sick of having, because it wasn’t just a one off in his eyes, it wasn’t just because they weren’t going to see each for the month, Chris pulled this shit every time he came to stay in New York and no matter how much he’d deny it, Chris made Sebastian feel like he wasn’t to be trusted, that he must be kept at home away from alcohol and people. Sebastian wondered if Chris even realised that he was doing it.

“Don’t try make me sound like a dick.” Chris said.

“Wouldn’t dream of it… you are doing that all by yourself anyway.” Sebastian mumbled.

“You know what,” Chris said getting up from the seat where he was watching Sebastian, “I came here to spend time with you, we aren’t going to see each other for weeks, all I’m trying to do it enjoy the time we have.”

Sebastian turned and looked at Chris incredulously. “Chris it’s the opening night of my friends play; you knew this before coming down. If that was a problem then you had two choices, come with me or not bother coming at all.”

“You want me to leave is that it?” Chris asked annoyed about how petty he sound in his own ears.

Sebastian sighed, “No Chris, what I really want is for you to come with me.”

Chris crossed his arms over his chest, “You know we can’t…”

Sebastian groaned and threw his arms up in the air, “Who the fuck says we can’t Chris?” Sebastian burst making Chris flinch. “Fuck sakes, all we do is stay cooped up away from everyone, who do you think is going to care if we show up at the same event together? Huh? Oh my god two people that know and have worked together and are friends at the same fucking party! Who gives a shit!”

Sebastian’s breathing was ragged, he could see Chris’s face of stone, his jaw flinched and biting back something, but nothing came. When Sebastian next spoke, it was with exasperation.

“So what if someone sees us together? I’m not asking you to stick your tongue down my throat or fuck me in front of cameras… I’m not even asking you to hold my hand or sit with me.” Sebastian took a tentative step forward. “I’m not even asking you to come with me if you don’t want to go… just don’t make me feel guilty about living my life.”

Chris looked away from Sebastian unable to feel the weight of Sebastian’s eyes on him. Chris had the reason why; Chris had the answer, Sebastian didn’t know the risk a photo or rumour about them could potentially do. Chris felt bitter about it and lashed out.

“Are you going to be drinking?” Chris asked turning to look back at Sebastian.

It was a low blow and it was out the blue, Chris still hadn’t said anything about his concerns, but it was there in the undertones. Chris was sure Sebastian drank more when Chris wasn’t there, he was all too aware of Chris watching him.

Sebastian took a step back with a tight smile and shook his head, “Fuck you Chris.”

Chris flinched as the apartment door slammed behind him. Chris scrubbed his hands over his face and groan to himself, “You are a fucking dickhead.”

Chris sat for what seemed like hours just staring into space, the words of his own argument making him cringe. What was he doing? Sebastian was right, he had to live his life and he had never begged or forced Chris to go anywhere with him. Even when they did see friends Sebastian was restrained and gave Chris room, not even making it a question in front of people they knew.

The real problem was that Chris knew it wasn’t enough, Sebastian wanted more. He Himself wanted to be out there holding Sebastian’s hand, kissing him without fear and coming home with him. Chris was putting those restrictions on himself and he had let the studio reinforce them with their fucking threats.

Chris sat up with a jerk, it took him a moment to realise where he was. There was a shuffling a muffled crash as stuff as pushed off the side table by the front door. Chris was still on the sofa, he pulled at his neck where there was a kink from lying awkwardly. He squinted at his phone and checked the time; it was four in the morning. His attention went back to the door.

“Seb?” Chris whispered.

Sebastian was on his knees trying to pick up the stuff that was on the floor. He didn’t look up instead abandoning the stuff and kicking off his shoes. Chris got up and went over to Sebastian.

“Seb?” Chris said again kneeling beside him. “Hey, come here.”

Sebastian reeked of alcohol and cigarettes, his head hung heavily and rolled with each gentle movement. Chris wondered how he even got home in such a state. Helping him out of his jacket Chris got him to his feet. Sebastian couldn’t hold on so let Chris take most of his weight. Chris felt sick to see Sebastian as drunk, he cursed himself for what he had said, only giving Sebastian more fuel to drink.

With some more help Sebastian managed out of his clothes. Chris put a glass of water next to the bed and pulled Sebastian up the bed and rolled him onto his side, Chris tucked himself behind him to stop him rolling onto his back.

Chris pressed a kiss into Sebastian’s hair and sighed. “I’m sorry Seb.”

Sebastian seemed to let out a long low breath, “You… you need out of your head…” His voice was thick and slurred, but it was clear, and Chris felt the guilt sting him all over.

“I know.” Chris whispered into his skin and held on a little tighter.

They never seen the morning, but Chris was due to leave in the late afternoon. He had heard Sebastian up in the haze of his sleep but when he opened his eye again Sebastian was back in bed, head buried under the pillow.

Chris got up and made some coffee and the best hangover food he could from what was left in the fridge. When he took it through, he found Sebastian sat up in bed his brow in a frown looking at his phone.

“Peace offering.” Chris held up a tray and shrugged.

Sebastian gave a half smile and put his phone down and patted the bed. Chris placed the tray down and sat across from Sebastian. “I’m sorry, for last night and what I said.” Chris said.

Sebastian took a breath and gnawed on the side of his cheek. “No…” Sebastian shook his head, “It was a shitty thing to walk out, I’m sorry.”

They both stared at each other, both knowing what needed to be said.

“I’m worried Seb, I don’t like seeing you that drunk.” Chris said as firmly as he could. “I also don’t want to be the reason for you getting in that state.”

Sebastian looked away, “You’re not the reason.”

Chris felt himself sink, he knew when Sebastian was lying, he’d been on the receiving end of his lies before, but Chris knew it was Sebastian trying to stop the argument before it went any further.

“I’m sorry I was a dick.” Chris offered.

Sebastian let out short laugh, “You were a bit of a dick.” He couldn’t stop the smile that grew on his lips.

Chris smirked, “Okay don’t start.” He said picking up half of the grilled cheese sandwich he’d made for Sebastian and stuffed it in his mouth.

They ate quietly, only the sound of the Sebastian’s phone vibrating beside them on the bed. After the third time Sebastian picked it up and quickly dismissed the call with a soured look.

“What’s wrong?” Chris asked.

Sebastian shook his head absently, “Someone got my number last night, I don’t know who but…” He looked up at Chris and gave a shrug, “I’m just going to block it.”

It took all the willpower Chris had to not take the phone from Sebastian and check the messages. “Someone from the afterparty?”

“It doesn’t matter.” Sebastian said abandoning the phone on the bed.

Chris looked where it lay as Sebastian got up and headed for a shower. Chris kept thinking of the state Sebastian had been in the night before, the messages could have been from anyone but the first thought that came to Chris’s mind of Marc the dealer Sebastian had used in the past. What if it was him, what if Sebastian had messaged him, what if he was trying to get back in touch.

Chris picked up the phone and put if back down again, it was probably just a fan that had spoken to Sebastian at the afterparty. Chris knew how open Sebastian was, he would never turn someone away, but would he be drunk enough to give out his number? Sebastian spoke to everyone and his open and sweet nature was a huge appeal and Chris could see how everyone gravitated towards him. That thought didn’t make Chris feel any better.

Chris picked up the phone there were three missed calls and one unread message from the same number. Chris felt a heat that creeped up his throat and made him feel sick. He braced himself and clicked on the message.

_Unknown: Hey man, nice to meet you last night, I’ve tried calling but no luck! You left your wallet in the back of car. Give me a shout and I’ll get it back to you. Sal (Best Uber in town!)_

“Fuck.” Chris breathed. A cold pricking feeling of relief flooded him.

It was nothing, it was fucking nothing, a lost wallet, the driver getting back to Sebastian. Chris felt the lightheaded feeling drown him. He put the phone back on the bed and felt tears sting at his eyes. The guilt of where his mind had gone, the possibilities. Chris heard the door to bathroom open and he tried to hide any guilt that might show in his face.

“God, I feel better.” Sebastian rubbed the towel at his hair but stopped when he saw Chris’s face. “What’s wrong.”

Chris stood there his body shaking slightly, “Nothing I’m just going to miss you.”

Sebastian wrapped his arms round Chris’s waist, “I’m sorry about last night… about the drinking.” His voice small and petering out.

Chris just shook his head and kissed Sebastian, as all the pent-up emotion, fear and shame came out in a burst. He didn’t stop for breath till he had Sebastian pinned to the bed, Sebastian pulling at his shirt. Everything was so fast and urgent; Chris felt with every thrust and call out from Sebastian drove him forward. There was a growl from deep in Sebastian’s chest as he hit his own release and Chris chased his own. When there was a white out in his vision, he collapsed on top of Sebastian.

Chris’s breath was gasping in Sebastian’s ear. “Chris.”

Chris looked at where Sebastian was pulling, his fist was clamped round Sebastian’s wrist. As his fingers unhinged from the soft skin, he could see the bruising mark where his fingers had dug in.

“Fuck… I’m sorry… shit…” Chris said not knowing if he should try sooth the burning skin or leave it alone.

Sebastian flexed his hand as the blood flowed back in. “It’s ok.” He whispered.

Chris buried his head in the crook of Sebastian’s neck. It wasn’t ok and it shouldn’t be ok, no matter how much Sebastian said it was. He felt the shame choke him and the tears begin to spill as Sebastian murmured softly to him and stroked his back.

Chris wasn’t ok.

2019

“Fuck.” Sebastian wiped his hand over his mouth, he wished he had a drink, all these feelings and memories went hand in hand with his drinking.

“I never knew where I was with you. One minute you were all over me, processive and jealous over anyone I spoke to, the next you are keeping me at a distance and then you were doing interviews talking about some future you wanted with someone else.” Sebastian looked searchingly at Chris.

“All I wanted was to shout from the rooftops that we were together.” Chris said after listening to Sebastian. “All the hiding, I hated it.” Chris said pained.

Sebastian gave a curt laugh, “You hid from everything, even yourself.” He said his voice hard.

The dismissiveness in Sebastian’s tone angered Chris, “What did you want me to do? Put out an announcement in the paper?” He watched Sebastian’s jaw twitch. “We were together wasn’t that enough?”

Sebastian lent forward into Chris’s space on the bench, his finger digging into his own chest as he spoke. “I wanted you to tell me I was enough. That the things you wanted, you wanted with me, that I wasn’t just a stopgap till you met this fucking woman that was going to give you this family you wanted, that you gushed about in every fucking interview.” Sebastian sat back and tried to steady his breathing. “What was I to do with that Chris, huh?”

“I wanted…” Chris said his voice rough.

“I don’t think you knew what you really wanted.” Sebastian said with a shaky breath.

“I want you!” Chris said raising his voice. “I knew it was always you I wanted.” He took a deep breath trying to keep himself from losing it. He couldn’t look at Sebastian, his lip was wobbling and his eye’s glassy at Chris’s words.

“I just didn’t know how to deal with it.” Chris reasoned. “It was the biggest relationship of my life and the most complicated.” Chris edged his hand out wanting to touch Sebastian, grip his hand, feel how warm he was but he pulled away pressing his fist to his lips.

“You looked at me to the be strong one, the one that could hold it together when it was hard. But I’m flawed too Sebastian… and every time I couldn’t be that person for you, I felt you slip away, and I got paranoid.”

Sebastian wiped the tears from his cheeks briskly, “I didn’t put that pressure on you.”

“No, maybe you didn’t, but I did it to myself and I fucked it up.” Chris said shaking his head. “I tried to be a boyfriend and keep our relationship private, I tried to be the actor that said all the right things that people wanted to hear in interviews.” He looked up at Sebastian feeling his guilt eat at him. “I tried to protect you but all I came off as was a possessive fucking asshole.”

Mid 2017

Chris’s fingers were laced through Sebastian’s hair, he tugged and moaned as the Sebastian’s teeth latched onto his nipple. “Fuuuuuuck.” The bristles of Sebastian’s beard rubbing off his chest, something Chris couldn’t get enough of, the feeling of his bread on his own and the new sensation of it over his body.

Chris hadn’t been able to stop himself reaching out and stroking at Sebastian’s face as he ate his breakfast. The new beard and the quaffed hair had Chris daydreaming, he just wanted to touch that small grey patch at his chin… Sebastian’s eyebrows had shot up and Chris was lost, Sebastian pinning him back on the sofa and getting his shirt unfastened quicker than he could blink.

Sebastian placed wet kisses up Chris’s chest and straddled his hips, he licked into Chris’s mouth and chuckled at the groan it elicited from Chris. He could feel Chris hard beneath him but jumped at the sudden buzzing from Chris’s crotch.

“Jesus.” Chris said trying to get his phone from his pocket. “Fuck, oh fuck.” He said squinting at the phone and dropping it on the chair beside him.

Sebastian nipped at his jaw, “What’s up?”

“Nothing, stupid meeting.” Chris said gripping and squeezing at Sebastian’s ass.

Sebastian groaned sat up looking down at Chris, flushed with hooded eyes. “Is it important?”

Chris squished his face up making Sebastian laugh, “I don’t want to go.”

Sebastian pouted, “Then don’t.” He said continuing his assault on Chris’s body with his lips.

Chris hummed a enjoying the pressure of Sebastian above him when felt his phone again beside him. His hand batted at it and cancelled the call from Joe and groaned. “I have to go.”

“No.” Sebastian said sliding his fingers into the waistband of Chris’s jeans.

The phone buzzed again, and Chris looked at it. “It’s Mackie.”

“Ugh.” Sebastian went lax on Chris’s chest, his hands faltering. “You really know how to kill the mood.” He tucked his head under Chris’s chin as enjoying the laughter that rumbled in Chris chest.

“I know deep down he’d be hurt by that.” Chris said opening the message. “What the fuck?”

Sebastian rested his head on his hand and looked at Chris, “What?”

Chris’s brow knitted and a scowl in place. He turned to the phone to Sebastian who gave it a quick look and gave laugh. “Oh god.” He drawled and rolled his eyes. “Mackie sent you that?”

Chris looked back at the message.

_Mackie: I knew you’d never keep that boy satisfied! ;)_

Below was as screen shot from Instagram of photoshopped picture of Sebastian with another guy.

“Who the fuck is that?” Chris asked not quite seeing the joke.

“It’s Xavier Dolan.” Sebastian sat up as Chris pushed himself up from under him. “It was his birthday and Jessica sent-“

“Jessica?” Chris cut over him.

“Chastain.” Sebastian said with a concerned look at Chris. “Here.” He said pulling put his phone and opening the app and handed it to Chris to see the full post instead of just the screenshot Mackie had sent. “It was a joke.” Sebastian said when Chris never said anything.

“He’s flirting with you.” Chris said his voice low.

Sebastian took the phone back with a small chuckle, “Yeah, that’s kind of the joke.”

“That’s not a joke.” Chris said looking at Sebastian sternly.

The smile dropped from Sebastian’s face when he seen how serious Chris was. “Are you kidding right now? Chris I’ve never met this guy, he’s openly flirting on social media because of a stupid picture.” Sebastian shook his head when all Chris did was drop his gaze, but his jaw was still set. “Chris!”

Chris tried to shrug it off shaking his head, “Ok, it’s a joke.”

“No, look at me.” Sebastian said pulling at Chris’s chin till he caught his eye. “What are you thinking.”

“You’re mine.” Chris said flatly.

Sebastian just stared at Chris, not sure what to do that. He opened his mouth to say something, anything but just closed it again instead pressing a gentle kiss to Chris’s lips. Chris deepen the kiss, his hand fisted tight in Sebastian’s t-shirt pulling him back against Chris. Sebastian was breathless, pressed hard against Chris, the ache in body desperate for his touch.

When they broke apart their breathing laboured and hot. Sebastian looked into Chris’s eyes that were a little scared and unsure.

“I’m yours.” Sebastian whispered between them.

Chris closed his eyes, there was silent sign of relief in those words that quelled an anxiety that he had let take over him. When Chris looked back Sebastian smiled and pushed him back against the cushions and kissed him again.

Five weeks later.

“Are you in my hoody?”

“I’m cold.”

“Sure, you are… you look cute in it.”

“Shut up or I’ll take it off.”

“Please do.” Chris said wiggling his eyebrows.

Sebastian sat with his laptop balanced on his knee, Chris’s face filling the screen. They were thousands of miles apart and were likely to be for weeks to come. Sebastian was struggling and he knew Chris was too, he could hear it in his voice and see him trying to hide it when they spoke over facetime.

“I spoke to my therapist today,” Sebastian said looking at his hand, the familiar hot scores on his palm that he made when most anxious. “She said I need to talk, no matter how scared I am of the outcome, it’s never going to be bad as I think it is.”

“What are you scared about?” Chris asked.

Sebastian sighed and shifted, he suddenly wished he wasn’t on the screen. “Have you ever thought about why your past relationships have never worked out?”

Chris seemed to sit forward, filling up more of Sebastian’s screen, “Yeah, it’s because they weren’t you.”

Sebastian smiled and rolled his eyes, feeling the embarrassment. “Apart from that.”

Chris smiled and sat back and thought for a moment sighing, “We wanted different things, we were moving at a different pace from each other, I wasn’t ready to settle down.” He said listing his reasons.

“What about not getting the time together?” Sebastian asked looking for Chris reaction.

Chris nodded, “It’s hard, really hard, but what we are doing now, talking, seeing each other, that’s important and it can’t stop, we can’t stop talking. There’s a difference of being in the same place and not being there for each other.”

“What about being in the same place and not being there for each other?” Sebastian asked.

Chris huffed heavily and chewed on the inside of his cheek as he watched Sebastian. “We can support each other without having to open up our lives to the world Seb.”

“I don’t want to lie about my life.” Sebastian voice was small, and he shrugged of shoulders, trying to play off the weight of the words. He looked back at the screen, “This feeling of being alone is familiar.”

Chris dropped his head at those words, “I’m sorry.”

“I struggle with this, the most, the distance, not seeing each other. At least when you are here it’s short lived.” Sebastian tried to swallow back the lump in his throat. “I miss you.”

Chris looked up his own face full of sorrow, “I miss you too Seb.”

2019

“I remember you coming home after that trip.” Sebastian started. “It was the longest we had been apart, and I felt a strange mix of excitement and nerves.”

Chris cleared his throat, “I remember.” He gave a fond smile. “I think I was just as nervous.”

“When I saw the hair and beard…wow” Sebastian gave a little shake of his head and felt his face flush.

Chris laughed giving him a knowing smirk. “Yeah… I was more nervous for my life that night…”

“Whatever-“

“… smothered to death by kisses and…”

“Shut up…”

“… love…”

Sebastian laughed watching Chris dramatically exclaim the hardship of Sebastian’s affection. It was a light moment that cut through all they had been talking about. As Chris tailed off his monolog, Sebastian chuckled tiredly.

“I miss you.” The words tumbled off his tongue so easily, when he realised what he’d said he quickly amended it. “I mean… I meant… I missed you.”

Chris just let a small smile grow and settle. “I miss you too.”

The words soothed them both.

\--

Late 2017

“I feel rough.” Sebastian said tucking the phone between his ear and the pillow, so he didn’t have to use any energy unnecessarily.

Chris chuckled in his ear, “How did it go?”

Sebastian thought back to the night before of the LA premiere of I, Tonya. “It was good.” Sebastian grinned making his head wince. “I may have overindulged at the after party.”

“You looked hot.” Chris said lustfully. “I can’t get enough of that look.”

“Well don’t get too used to it, will be all change in the new year.” Sebastian teased. “I’m sure I didn’t look so hot at the end of the night.”

“I duuno, I think Chace did a good job of you keeping your dignity.” Chris murmured down the line.

“How do you know?” Sebastian asked. “What are you doing?”

“Err… fuck.” Chris gave an awkward laugh, “Okay I might be online checking you out.”

“Oh my god.” Sebastian laughed. “Are you stalking me.”

“Maybe, some might call it just checking their boyfriend out.” Chris defended, unable to hide the smile in his voice.

“You creep.” Sebastian teased. “The picture I sent not good enough for you?”

“I’m just proud of you, was watching some of the interviews.”

“Tonya Harding came for the screening, it was surreal.”

“Did she like it?” Chris asked.

“Yeah she did.” Sebastian laughed,

Sebastian bit his lip thinking, he wanted to tell Chris everything about the night wasn’t sure what reaction he would get but thought of Chris looking through the pictures online and having not told him, Sebastian knew it was best to be honest.

“I uh, I met Xavier Dolan last night…” Sebastian paused before continuing, “He came to the screening and we got chatting.”

“The guys from the photo?” Chris asked.

Sebastian couldn’t tell from Chris’s voice what he thought so he just continued. “Yeah, he was talking about a couple of projects he’s working on. He said he’d like to maybe sit down and see about working together in the future.”

There wasn’t a sound at the end of the line, Sebastian pulled the phone from his ear to make sure they were still connected. “Chris?”

“Yeah,” Chris said just a little too brightly. “Sounds good.”

Sebastian wasn’t convinced but continued telling Chris about the night before. “It was such a good night you would have loved it.” Sebastian finished, his voice sounding rough from his hangover.

“Yeah.” Chris said as if coming out of a daze.

“You got a lot on today?” Sebastian asked.

“Did he come on to you?” Chris asked.

Sebastian would be lying if he wasn’t expecting Chris to say something. “Xavier?”

Chris gave a sigh, “Yeah.”

“He flirted but it wasn’t serious, it was just messing about, he never tried anything.” Sebastian tried to ease Chris’s fear.

“But when y… people drink they are more forward.” Chris said trying to cover his faux pas.

Sebastian bit his tongue; he knew what Chris was about to say even if he corrected himself. Sebastian tried to swallow down the sudden anger boiling up inside. “He’s harmless Chris, it doesn’t mean anything.”

Sebastian didn’t want to start the argument; they were too far from each other and he was too hungover to deal with this now. There wouldn’t be a proper conversation and it wouldn’t appease the fact that Chris alluded to the fact that he didn’t trust Sebastian, again, because it shouldn’t matter who or how many people flirted with him, Sebastian wasn’t going to act on it.

“I know, sorry, I’m just…” Chris sighed heavily at the end of the line. “I miss you and I’m lonely and I’m jealous. I’m jealous that I’m here and I didn’t get to celebrate with you last night.”

“I miss you too.” Sebastian said letting the anger he felt peter out. “Not long till the holidays and we’ll get some time together.”

“I can’t wait.” Chris said with genuine relief in his voice that made Sebastian smile.

Chris loved Christmas and he loved it even more that Sebastian had agreed to come and stay with him and his family. While Sebastian had spent lots of time in Massachusetts with him, they had only ever had the odd dinner with his sister’s family or his parents. This felt different and it felt real, like they weren’t just seeing each other casually, they were going to be able to relax and be a couple with his family.

Sebastian knew it was what Chris wanted, to have his whole family together and for Sebastian to be a part of it. It wasn’t that Sebastian didn’t want to be there at Christmas, but he felt he had to be. They had spent so much time apart over the year and Chris seemed, different, unsettled, and when he had asked Sebastian to come and be with him Sebastian knew he couldn’t say no.

The filming schedule for Sebastian’s current film had him working right up to Christmas and with little time to see his own family and friends, Sebastian felt the pressure put on him to be everywhere at once. He decided to delay his trip by one day, explaining to Chris he wanted to have a day with his mother. Chris had wholeheartedly agreed and told him not to worry but when he finally arrived at Chris’s house, he could feel the tension and the anxiety rolling off Chris. It was evident in the way he held him, kissed him and refused to let go. It seemed to be a recurring event every time they got back together, no matter the time they spent apart.

Sebastian winced as Chris nipped at his skin trying to loosen the fly on his jeans. “Chris, stop… stop.” He said pushing up from under him. He could see Chris physically shaking, his fingers not working. Sebastian gripped at them and brought them to his lips. “Baby what’s wrong?”

Chris shook his head, “I’ve just been so desperate to see you, I just…”

“Chris, you knew where I was and I was coming here, did you think wouldn’t?” Sebastian wished Chris would look at him, but he was worried what he might see in Chris’s face.

“I’m just would up, sorry.” Chris said swallowing thickly.

Sebastian ran a hand up Chris’s neck and held his jaw firmly. He leaned in and pressed a bruising kiss to lips. “I’m here Chris, I’m here, only for you.”

Sebastian pushed Chris back on to the bed, pulling his t-shirt up, he tugged at it until it was over Chris’s head. He straddled his legs and slide his fingers between Chris’s, holding his arms up over his head in the pillows and applied a firm pressure, capturing him, making it hard for him to move. Sebastian licked into his mouth and rolled his hips down feeling Chris hard beneath him.

“Just let go Chris, let me look after you.” Sebastian murmured against his lips. “Get out of you head, it’s only us.”

It took a bit of persuasion, but Chris finally began to relax, Sebastian drawing out the feeling so embedded in his head and body. He let Sebastian in and the emotion out.

Over the next few days whatever seemed to be feeding Chris’s anxiety dampened down and Sebastian watched the Chris he knew and loved andhe seemed to be at peace. Often Sebastian would look up and find Chris lost watching him, a smile on his lips, it made Sebastian’s heart race and his cheeks flush.

In moments alone at night Sebastian got Chris to open up, trying to bridge the gap that he felt had grown between them in the last few months. Chris admitted he was feeling lonely and that he felt like he was watching Sebastian from the side lines, his life was moving on and Chris felt like he wasn’t a part of it.

Sebastian had tried to reassure Chris; they both knew the time apart was hurting them, but it didn’t need to be like that forever. Looking at them now in that moment, those few days together it felt right, and they were happy. They had spent the last few days in what felt like the best dream. Nothing outside to bring them down. Until it did.

As much as Chris tried to fight it, he couldn’t stop his insecurities that were overruling his head and heart and it was that was in control now.

“It’s only two days Chris.” Sebastian said folding the last few t-shirts. “Then you are in New York.”

Chris watched as Sebastian zipped up the bag. “You could have said no.” His voice was calm trying to control his anger.

Sebastian looked at him. “You know that’s not true. It’s part of the job, they want me back early. Then I go back early. You would be the same.”

Chris shook his head and looked away, swiping an abandoned t-shirt of his from the chair, could feel the words coming up like vomit as he watched Sebastian’s back.

“This feels like old times, you show up, we fuck, and you leave.” Chris felt some satisfaction in seeing Sebastian’s shoulders tense before the sick feeling washed over him at his own hurtful words.

Sebastian took a moment before turning to Chris. “Except it’s not Chris, we’ve spent nearly a week together, in the same bed, waking together, making love to each other, being together every minute of the day and being happy, with your family, in your home.”

Chris couldn’t meet his eye, unable to let himself fix it, make it better, apologise.

“Fuck this.” Sebastian said pulling his bag from the bed and walked up to Chris, giving him the chance before he left. “I’m sorry that’s how you feel.” Sebastian never looked back.

\--

2019

“You shut down after that.” Chris said. “Even after I apologised, and you said you had forgiven me; you weren’t the same.” Chris said.

They had moved to the car it was getting cold. Both wanting to avoid the conversation, but they didn’t know how to make it any easier.

“It was a built-in reaction.” Sebastian explained. “I was trying to stop myself from getting hurt.” Sebastian looked at Chris as he stared down at the steering wheel in front of him. “I didn’t know where all your anxiety had come from, all the mistrust you had in me. It didn’t matter what I said there was no way to get you to listen to me. It was like you had decided that I was going to hurt you and you’d blow any small thing out of proportion just to start an argument.”

Chris looked at Sebastian. “I tried, to fix it.”

Sebastian cocked his eyebrow, “No,” he shook his head, “It was too late.”

\--

Chris had called Sebastian; he’s made a point to go and see Sebastian on location but no matter what apologies he gave he never felt they never really reached Sebastian. They seemed to move through the motions, sweeping another argument under the carpet and growing more distant day by day.

It was coming up to Superbowl weekend and Chris had suggested that everyone came over to his home to party. Sebastian hadn’t said much about it, he wasn’t long finished up on set and had come to Boston to see Chris before he was going to California for a week.

“I was thinking that maybe this weekend we could tell the guys about us.” Chris said over his glass of wine.

Sebastian looked up from his plate of pasta that Chris had presented with a glass of wine for dinner. “You know I’m going Cali, right?”

“Yeah,” Chris said nodding, “I just… I wanted to… I’m going to tell them.”

Sebastian chewed slowly on his mouthful of food. “Why now?”

“Why not?” Chris shrugged not really having the balls to say what he really thought. _Because I think I’m losing you and I want to prove to you that I love you._

Sebastian gave a small smile that gave Chris a little spark of hope. “Then why not wait until we are both here, wait till I get back.”

The small spark of hope was extinguished. “Yeah ok.” He gave a strained smile.

Chris’s team lost and despite his attempts to be social, he was drunk and as his bother told him, _obnoxious_. Chris excused himself as people began to leave and Scott took over any hosting duties. Chris had lay back on his bed and dialled Sebastian but there had been no answer. Sebastian hadn’t been in touch most of the day and despite Chris keeping him up to date with his teams defeat he was yet to get a response.

Pulling up the laptop he began searching the event that Sebastian was at. It was something Chris would never go to, but Sebastian had always been more open to fashion shows and parties. Chris struggled to focus on the screen, his head swimming. He reached for the beer bottle perched on edge of the table and drained it.

Never in his dreams did he think that his was the way he’d spend his night, stalking his boyfriend online. He checked his phone again. It as past midnight and there was still nothing from Sebastian, Chris turned back to the laptop and searched.

A few pictures came up and it made Chris smile, Sebastian looked hot, even if it wasn’t Chris’s favourite look, he missed the full beard and the longer hair he could run his fingers through, and his smile. His smile. It looked genuine, happy, there was no straining behind it, not tight and thin. The jealous thread was plucked in Chris’s chest. The more he looked the worse he felt. Then he saw it, there was short video where Sebastian was talking to someone, tall, dark hair, chiselled face and smile that made Sebastian blush and smile reached his eyes.

Chris threw the laptop across the bed.

When Chris woke in the morning it was to his phone ringing. He looked round him and cursed when he felt the weight of his hangover pulling his head back down. He put the phone to his ear and tried to clear his dry throat.

“What the fuck Chris.” Sebastian voice came down the line before Chris would speak. “What is wrong with you?” His voice was hushed and bitter like he wasn’t alone

Chris wasn’t sure but the stale taste of bourbon on his tongue and the pound in his head made him groan, “Seb… I…”

“I’m not doing this now Chris, I can’t. We’ll talk when I get home… I just can’t deal with this now.” The line went dead.

Chris squinted at the screen of his phone, it was half six in the morning, he groaned sitting up and looked at the round the lounge where he must have passed out. He looked his call log, he remembered trying to call Sebastian several times, all had gone unanswered. When he checked his messages, he felt sick.

_Chris: who is jon?_

_Chris: is this why are you aren’t here?_

_Chris: are you fucking him._

_Chris: are you fucking cheating on me!_

“Fuck!”

\--

Chris wasn’t sure if he should have let himself in to Sebastian’s apartment, but he couldn’t just sit in the hallway. He was due home at some point today, Chris had no idea when, and since Sebastian hadn’t replied to any of Chris’s calls or messages the day before, Chris had decided to wait it out, he had sent a message to Sebastian to let him know he was there and it crossed Chris’s mind as it got later in the day that maybe he wasn’t going to come home at all.

Chris jumped when he heard the front door open. He stood in place and watched as a tired looking Sebastian dumped his bags at the door. He looked at Chris but didn’t engage him. Chris took a step forward and stopped when Sebastian put his hand up.

“Don’t.” Sebastian walked past him into the lounge and dropped his keys on the table.

“I’m sorry Seb.” Chris said turn to him.

“What for? For getting drunk or for accusing me of cheating or for thinking so little of me?” Sebastian asked.

“I trust you.” Chris was quick to respond.

Sebastian just looked at him sadly, “Do you?”

“Yes.” Chris said taking a step towards him.

“Really? So much so you accuse me of cheating.”

“I was drunk,” Chris quickly pointed out.

“Were you drunk the other times too?”

Chris frowned and shook his head, “What other times?!”

Sebastian rolled eyes and huffed, “You don’t even realise you are doing it, do you?” Chris just looked at him expectantly. “Ashley, Xavier, now Jon.”

Chris bit back his protest because it was true. “I…” Chris shook his head looking round wildly for an excuse, he had none. All the fear and anxiety kicked in and twisted into anger.

“It’s not them you don’t trust, it’s me you don’t trust.” Sebastian said the pain evident in his voice.

“Can you blame me?” Chris spat. He instantly regretted it.

“What the fuck is that supposed to mean? I’ve never given you any reason to think I would cheat!” Sebastian said shocked.

“What about when you’re drinking?” Chris threw at him. “You’ve made a lot of bad decisions when you are drunk!”

The shock and hurt from the words seemed to take moment to sink in. The room still ringing with the echo of Chris’s voice. They stared at each other each defensively. Sebastian’s body seemed to sag, and his next words were an open thought, not filtered to soften the blow.

“Like I did with you, you mean?” Sebastian watched Chris swallow, his eyes pooling with tears. “Were they bad decisions too Chris?”

Sebastian’s voice was a low drawl and with every word it torn strips from Chris. “Every time I was drunk or high; was that you taking advantage of my bad decisions? Because you could have said no, but you didn’t.” Sebastian took a step towards Chris, “Or is that my fault too?”

Chris wanted to drop, for the whole moment to end. “No.”

“I’m done.” Sebastian said. “I don’t want to do this anymore.”

Chris could swear he could see Sebastian shutting down in front of him.

Chris opened and closed his mouth several times to say something, but he couldn’t, there was nothing, his throat was choked, and he felt sick.

“Seb…”

“No, Chris, it’s over.”

\--

2019

The night was black and the few lights that lit that car park were dull enough to hide their silent tears. Neither of the spoke. No matter how many months had passed, the words between them had left them scarred.

It hadn’t been the last time they had spoken but it had not been any easier. Sebastian remembered Chris looking through him when he had turned up at the opening night of Lobby Hero. Sebastian knew it wasn’t a good idea, everyone had told him not to, but Chris wouldn’t accept his calls and no message was returned in a plead to talk, they couldn’t leave it the way they had.

Joe had finally taken pity on him, his own advice to talk to Sebastian had fallen on Chris’s deaf ears. Sebastian was sure Chris was going to ignore him, but he got his chance, his desperate plea for Chris to talk to him. Chris had held his arm in a gentle grip and spoke in a hushed tone.

_“You are right, I took advantage and I have no trust in us, in you.” _

The words were just his own repeated back and Sebastian knew Chris was just hurting him, he knew or at least he thought he knew. Chris had pulled the barrier up; he was never going to show any weakness.

_“Please Chris. Just let’s talk properly.”_

Sebastian had never got a response, instead someone had asked for a picture and they were both forced to put on their friendliest display for the camera. Chris had turned away after and Sebastian had been given no choice but to walk away. He didn’t remember much about the next month after that.

Sebastian gave a sad laugh, the wetness of his tears and the emotion clear in his voice. “I can’t tell you how many times that picture from opening night has been place in front of me to sign.”

Chris gave Sebastian a side glance and nodded. “I saw it just last week at a con.”

“I’m sorry I did that to you on opening night.” Sebastian said earnestly.

Chris shook his head, “It’s ok, I should have spoken to you before then… I just…” Chris couldn’t keep the tears from falling, he pressed his face into the palms of his hands.

Sebastian wanted to reach out, but he knew he couldn’t, he just watched as Chris tried to compose himself.

“I did trust you; I know you didn’t cheat, I never meant any of it.”

Sebastian could feel himself vibrating out of his skin, he had a choice to make, neither one of the easy but he couldn’t come this far and not be honest with Chris and himself.

“I slept with him.” Sebastian’s voice came out and was foreign to his own ears. “I slept with Jon.”

Chris felt the air leave him, the punch to the gut was enough to end him here and now. Sebastian kept looking at him, he was still talking about Chris couldn’t hear anything, too concerned with the rising heat in his chest, creeping up his throat, he was going to be sick. Chris got out the car and gulped at the cool air. He could sense Sebastian suddenly standing feet from him, fear in his stance wanting to make sure he was ok but knowing he had to keep his distance.

“We weren’t together Chris.” Sebastian’s voice cut through the quiet night.

Chris walked a few steps from the car and tried to gather himself braced his heart for what he needed to know. “Tell me.” He said over his shoulder, not sure he could cope with seeing Sebastian.

“It was after we split up, about a month after I last seen you.” Sebastian tried to keep his voice level, he owed Chris the clear truth. “I was in a bad way, I just kept working and when I wasn’t working, I was drinking, getting high.” Sebastian saw Chris flinch, but he didn’t turn to look at him.

“There was an event in New York, I went and we saw each other and I just kept thinking about what you had said… you didn’t trust me, you thought I’d cheat on you because I made bad decisions when I’m drunk.” Sebastian hated the sound of his voice even trying to justify it.

“So, I came on to him… I threw myself at him.” Sebastian looked up at the night sky and cleared his throat, trying to stop his voice was wavering. “I did it to spite you.” He let out a cold laugh, “The logic of a drunk man. How would you find out or care?” He looked back down at his feet. “You didn’t know and all I’d done was make myself feel worse and prove that you were right.”

The silence stretched between them for what felt like hours. Sebastian took a tentative step towards Chris, his back still to him and his head hung low.

“I wasn’t right.” Chris said, his voice small and stopping Sebastian in his tracks.

Chris turned and looked at Sebastian, they were both raw and exhausted, faces smeared with tears and bodies heavy with emotion.

“I wasn’t right.” Chris said again. They fought their urges to look away. “We weren’t together.” He gave Sebastian a small nod as if to absolve him of that guilt. “If I hadn’t of pushed you away, neither of us would have been hurt.”

“Chris…” Sebastian started but Chris looked away and walked round him to the car.

Neither of the spoke as Chris drove them from the park back to the hotel where they had first met that day. Chris didn’t even know if that was where Sebastian was staying. Cutting the engine Chris let out a heavy sigh.

“I’ll pull the script.”

Sebastian looked at him with a side glance and shook his head. “Don’t, it’s a good.”

Chris huffed in laughter but didn’t respond.

Sebastian sat forward, his hand on the door handle. “You are the only person I’ve been with because I loved them.” Chris looked over at him. “Not because I needed you, not because I needed help, or a crutch. I was in love and all I needed was to be myself.” Sebastian looked back at Chris, “You gave me that peace for a while, I wish I could have done the same for you.”

Sebastian gave a Chris a sad smile and took a breath and opened the door.

Chris watched Sebastian’s figure walk towards the hotel lobby.

“You did.” He mouthed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So obviously this is a story, made up fiction but I love the little things with Xavier and Jon. I think Chris would be the jealous type and I think any human that came into contact with Sebastian would flirt with him. I mean look at him! 
> 
> Xavier Dolan Instagram post - just google it.  
HOT model Joh is Jon Kortajarena - google it!
> 
> So the song that goes with this chapter is White Blank Page by Mumford and Sons.
> 
> Thanks for reading and let me know what you think.


	10. 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's the premiere of Endgame and Chris and Sebastian have to see each other one... last... time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the final chapter of this story and it's been a long one! I hope the conclusion is satisfying for anyone that has read it and stuck with me through it.
> 
> As always this is fiction and a great deal of fantasy, however I have tired to use a few of blurbs from interviews without changing their own voices. I hope you like it.

Sebastian had thought he wouldn’t sleep that night, but when he woke the following morning thirty minutes before his alarm sounded, he felt a strange feeling of peace and contentment. It had been so long since he had slept the night through and woken with a clear head. Maybe the emotion of the day before had exhausted him to the point where his brain had finally switched off and given him some of the relief he so desperately needed.

For the first time in months Chris wasn’t his first thought when he opened his eyes and when his thoughts finally did filter to him, there was no anger, no pain but a warmth. It made Sebastian’s heart still for a moment before the familiar unbearable thudding started in his chest. He went cold despite his skin being warm from sleep. Squeezing his eyes closed he buried his head in the pillow, taking deep breaths in and letting a shuddering breath out. The panic passed quickly but it still drained Sebastian of his energy. It would pass eventually, now it was all over he knew the feeling of uncertainty and anxiety would pass.

With the beat of his heart slowing back to normal he picked up his phone from the bedside table. He knew there was a call he had to make, one that he had avoided the day before. When scrolling through the contacts on his phone, his thumb hovered over Chris’s name but quickly he pushed any thought aside of how he might be after yesterday and if he had any peace from it all; instead he continued down the contact list.

“Hey.” Oliver’s voice purred in Sebastian’s ear, it was warm and familiar, and it made Sebastian smile.

“Hey yourself. I’m sorry I didn’t call last night.” Sebastian apologised.

“It’s ok I didn’t think I’d hear from you.”

Sebastian felt his brow frown. “Why?”

Oliver sighed at the end of the phone, “When you said you weren’t going to the lawyers meeting, I just knew.” There was a pause in his voice maybe wanting to say more but he didn’t. “Are you ok?”

Sebastian rolled onto his back and stared up the ceiling in thought, “Yeah… I really think I am.”

\--

It was the day before the premiere of the final Avengers film and there was little time to think never mind anything else. Chris was on his eighth or ninth interview and the palpable energy he started the day with had waned. His mind had begun to wander, and the questions put to him were now on automatic recall.

“Hey, you ok?” Chris was knocked from his thoughts with the words and the gentle hand on his knee from Scarlett.

The people in the room were starting to filter in and out, a change of crew and interviewer. Chris couldn’t be sure how much he had missed. “Yeah, I’m fine.” He said with a bright smile that seemed so false to himself. “Just tired, been a long couple of weeks.” He tried to explain.

He wasn’t dumb enough to think that the people in the room didn’t know what was going on, or what had gone on in the past. In fact, if Chris was honest the five other people in front of the cameras with him knew, they knew much more than Chris or Sebastian ever gave them credit for. Maybe they didn’t enquire, they didn’t get involved but they had known what Chris and Sebastian had had was special. Something more than friendship.

Chris was even sure, the fact that he had seen Sebastian as recently as two days ago must have filtered down to everyone on the floor with him just now. Joe had been careful to not mention or ask about Sebastian, instead accepting Chris’s seemingly calm and happy persona. The only person that had outright asked, had been Mackie.

\--

“I need to know what I’m going into here.” Mackie had said over a late-night drink the night before. “Do I need to go in ready to mend some broken hearts or have a bottle of vodka ready so he can forget.”

“You haven’t spoken to him?” Chris asked curiously.

Chris hadn’t heard anything from Sebastian since he had dropped him off at the hotel. It seemed like a dream that had happened a lifetime ago and not just the day past. Chris’s mind and body had been overloaded with it all and he had finally just shut it down, waiting to finally draw a line under it.

“Yeah, I’ve spoken to him over the phone, but he’s being odd…” Anthony said taking a sip of his beer. Anthony knew he’d be pressed to get much information out of Sebastian when he saw him the following day, so he knew his best shot to get the lowdown from Chris.

“Maybe he’s being cautious because he knows you might be talking to me.” Chris suggested wiping droplets of beer from his top lip.

Anthony shook his head, “He knows I don’t go back and forth like that.”

“What do you mean odd, how is he odd?” Chris asked curious.

“When I asked him how it went, he said, _I think I got what I needed_.” Anthony raised an eyebrow at Chris, “What did you give him?”

Chris shook his head at whatever Mackie was trying to imply, “Nothing.” He smirked taking a drink. “We just talked it all out, everything, the good and the bad…” Chris shrugged trying not to think back on it.

“So, closure, that’s what he got.” Anthony said nodding.

“If that’s what you want to call it.” Chris sighed. “I think he was already there, it had been a year, he was over it, he just wanted to know the reasons I acted the way I did… it must be what he needed.” He reasoned.

Anthony scoffed, “He was never over it, why do you think he was on self-destruct for most of the year.”

“I think we both were.” Chris said. “But I think maybe now, we can move past it.”

Anthony nodded, “Or in Sebastian’s case move his affections on to someone else.”He said draining his bottle. “When he said he still loved you, I was so scared about this meeting, but I think you are right, he can move past it and maybe realise what he has with Oliver.”

Chris just stared at Anthony as he placed his empty bottle on the table and picked up his cigar. Anthony looked up at him motioning to his beer, “Want another?”

“Sebastian still loves me?” Chris asked his voice slightly broken.

Anthony laughed but when he seen that Chris was serious in his question, the laughter died on his lips. “Are you serious?”

Chris looked back down at the bottle in his hands, “Never mind.”

“No wait,” Anthony said repositioning himself to face Chris. “You both raked up all those feelings, the hurt and anger and you didn’t tell each other how you feel, now?”

Chris just shook his head, “I don’t know how I feel…”

“Sure, you do, you spent the last damn year writing that shit down.” Anthony said firmly. “Then went on to throw it in Sebastian’s face making him have to face up to his own feelings.”

Chris looked up at Anthony, feeling lost and suddenly bereft, “He told you he still loves me?”

Anthony sighed and felt like he had just let Sebastian down by letting this slip. “Yeah,” he nodded. “Just a week ago.” Anthony winced at the way Chris crumbled. “He didn’t say anything?”

Chris shook his head and tried to swallow down the burning lump in his throat. “No. We didn’t… there was just so much, I just thought…” Chris wiped a hand over his face and sighed. “It’s over, we both walked away knowing it’s over and… I guess he found what closure he needed.”

Anthony watched as Chris tried to process it. Reaching out he placed a hand on Chris’s shoulder and squeezed. “Aw man, you know I don’t like seeing either of you like this, but you are both so fucking stupid, it hurts to watch.”

Chris gave a wet snuffled laugh. “Right?” He nodded along in agreement.

“I have one question for you.” Anthony said pulling back and inhaling the smoke of his cigar before billowing it out around them. Chris looked at him expectantly. “Why would you wait for Sebastian to say something? All he thinks that you are angry at him for something he didn’t do.”

Chris felt defensive at the question. “He admitted he slept with Jon, that guy…”

“What was after you split up.” Anthony cut in casually.

Chris frowned in disbelief, “You knew?”

“Of course, I knew, who do you think cleaned him up after that mess and mass of guilt.” Anthony said with a nonchalant shrug. “He acted out, made a mistake,” Anthony reasoned.

“I know.” Chris admitted letting his head drop, “I told him it didn’t matter.”

“Oh, how big of you,” Anthony said raising an eyebrow, “Now back to my point, why don’t you tell him how you feel?”

There was one good reason, Chris was too scared to admit it to himself.

\--

The day was almost at an end, Chris got down from the stool and stretched, bringing some relief to his stiff body. One more interview to go and Chris could head home, Scott had messaged to say his parents had landed and were on the way to the house. The whole family were going to be there for the premiere, and it gave Chris some moral support for what they knew was going to be an emotional end to a long decade of films.

It had been long and emotional for everyone, not just Chris. All day they had been reflecting through the years, now distanced from the filming of it all, knowing they wouldn’t be back like that together again. Everyone had grown, their lives had changed, they’d fallen in love, married, divorced and had families, moved on and matured.

Chris watched how these facts were unimportant to anyone else but the individual, it wasn’t asked about, it wasn’t speculated. They had lived their lives, and no one cared and ultimately, they were happy.

Except for Chris.

Looking from the outside Chris hadn’t changed, he was still single, he hadn’t had kids, he hadn’t moved on in life, but that wasn’t true. Chris had been part of one of the biggest relationships of his life, it had shaped him, scared him and made him realise what he wanted in life. And what did he have to show for it?

Nothing.

Sitting there now another question asked and Chris didn’t care, he didn’t care what people thought of this film or the end of this era. He didn’t give a damn!

Too long he had been scared by what people might think, what it would mean if people had found out about his relationship with Sebastian. He hadn’t put _them_ first, he hadn’t put Sebastian first instead of these stupid worries, he hadn’t even put his own feelings first.

All he had been left with was a broken heart and the knowledge he had done the same to Sebastian, he’d broken him, doubted him, pushed him away and all he had got in return was his love.

Chris could suddenly feel all the eyes in the room on him. “Sorry?” He asked having missed the question.

The interviewer smiled and repeated herself. “You have previously said you were unsure about taking on this role ten years ago. If you could go back and talk to that younger you, what advice would you give him?”

Chris cleared his throat, “Err…” all he could see in his mind was Sebastian.

Those first few weeks in London, he had been so scared, so nervous but they had each other. That look in Sebastian’s face when they first kissed and the feeling of being drawn to him, the need to see him, speak to him, touch him. The night he thought he’d lost him, pale and passed out on the floor, the fear that made him realise that he loved him and didn’t want to be without him. The waiting he’d done for Sebastian to come back to him, all the nights they held hands in silence, intimate and sweet. Hearing Sebastian admit he love him, the way he opened up and told Chris more about himself than he ever told anyone before. The excitement that they had started their journey together, the optimism of the future, so much like it had been when they first met.

The memories now soured in his gut, littered with harsh words and anxieties of mistrust, lies and fear. Chris found is harder to remember a true smile on Sebastian’s face in more recent memories. Then there were only tears and that broken look as Sebastian gave up on Chris and let go. The last he’d seen just two days ago was tiredness and disappointment.

There had been disappointment.

_He still loves me, and I never told him how I felt._

Chris focused back at the interviewer, “Jump.” He could feel himself redden when everyone looked at him confused. “Just jump into it, don’t be scared, you won’t be alone.” He clarified. “You are going to meet the most important people… the most important person in your life and you’re going to make mistakes but don’t be scared because they will be there with you.”

Chris felt his chest tighten and the sudden panic of knowing what he had to do hit him. He looked past the camera and crew and looked at Joe for an out. Joe took a moment, a bit stunned like the rest of the room but kicked into action, telling the crews director time was up.

The room began to wrap up and Chris was off his chair his phone to his ear and Joe grabbing his things ushering him through the door.

“I think I know where they are.” Joe said following Chris to the elevator.

“Hey, it’s me, call me when you get this, I’m going to put this right.” Chris said to Mackie’s answer phone.

“How are you going to do that Chris.” Joe asked when they were finally in the car.

Chris took a deep breath and exhaled trying to calm the quell of anxiety in his stomach. “I just need to tell him… I don’t want to walk away without him knowing.”

“Chris,” Joe started his tone a gentle warning, “Don’t say anything you can’t take back.”

Chris looked at Joe, his eyes were brimming with determination for a change rather then tears. “I just need him to know how I feel Joe, I’m not going expecting anything in return… I promise.”

Joe couldn’t stop the little tug of a smile at the corner of his lips, “Okay, let’s do this.” Joe turned to the driver and gave address of the studio where he knew some of the cast including Sebastian were doing press.

By the time they pulled up Chris’s phone was ringing, it was Mackie, Chris was quick to answer. “Hey, you still at the studio?”

“Ah yes, I am. What are you doing?” Anthony asked.

“Is Seb with you?” Chris asked feeling his heart in his throat.

There was silence at the other end for a moment too long before Anthony spoke again but in a hushed voice. “Yeah dude but he’s not alone.”

Of course, they weren’t alone, they were doing interviews and there were crews and cameras and publicist and agents… “Oh.” Chris said realising what Anthony was alluding to. “Oliver is there, just now?”

“Yeah, came in this morning.” Anthony said as discreetly as he could, people obviously in earshot.

Chris felt his high crash a little, the anticipation of what he was about to do or say drowned out by realisation and doubt of the situation. Joe was across from Chris; he could sense the problem in Chris voice. Leaning forward Joe squeezed Chris’s knee and mouthed the word “Jump.”

Chris nodded, “Can you get Seb alone, I just need five minutes.” Chris listened intently, the phone pressed to his ear then let out a short breath, “We’re in the parking lot at the back, I’ll wait.” Chris hung up the phone and looked down at it. “He’ll get him out here.”

They waited in silence, Joe peering out the blacked-out windows at the possible two entrances to the building. He could feel the charged energy coming off Chris. “You ok over there?” Chris shook his head, his breathe was sharp and shallow. “Just say how you feel Chris, nothing can get any worse.” Chris gave him a strained smile in return.

They both jumped at the hard, sharp knock to the window beside Chris. Helen, Sebastian’s assistant gave them an exasperated look as if she could see them through the dark window. Chris cursed internally; he hadn’t expected to see Helen of all people but opened the window to greet her.

Giving them both the once over she smirked, “Do you want to go inside where it’s private or out here in the open.”

“What about Oliver?”

“Give me some credit,” Helen said cutting Chris off, “Sebastian is _in an interview_.” She said, air quoting her words. “Come on Chris, it’s my job.”

Chris followed Helen into the building, she was fast and careful to make as little fuss when they seen anyone. Chris never really had given Helen the credit she was due, it was another thing that he and Sebastian had fought about in their time together. Chris had never really been able to forget how Helen seemed unhelpful when he had tried to track down Sebastian after the Civil War premiere. Even their interactions after that night had been stiff and cold, kept to the bare minimum. 

Sebastian had always defended Helen and pointed out numerous times how their time together might have been harder had Helen not been able to facilitate Sebastian trips to be with Chris so often. Or just how often she had had his back. What Chris didn’t want to admit was how many times Helen had got Sebastian home safe, despite that state he had got himself into with no one to blame but himself.

Helen stopped outside a door in a hallway of doors and turned to Chris expectantly.

“Does he know I’m here?” Chris asked nervously.

“No,” She said giving him the once over. “I’ll make your life hell if you hurt him anymore than you have.”

Chris opened and closed his mouth a couple of times and gave a small shake of his head. “I won’t, I promise.”

Helen knocked the door and opened it stepping back for Chris to enter.

Sebastian put his coffee cup down and looked up briefly from his phone when the knock came at the door. He didn’t think anything of it, Helen had excused herself for moment to double check the schedule, he had two short interviews to do and he could get back to the rest of the day with Oliver.

When the door closed, he heard a gentle cough and he looked up again and froze. “Chris?”

Chris was could feel the pulse in his throat and the heat in his body making it shake from the adrenaline. He took a step forward as Sebastian uncrossed his leg from his lap and shifted forward in his seat, concern etched on his face.

“Hi.” Chris said not sure he could hide the nerves from his voice.

Sebastian looked at the door and back at Chris. “What are you doing here?”

Chris took a deep breath, “I… I needed to see you.”

Sebastian rose from the couch and took a step forward, “Why? What’s wrong?”

“I didn’t know if I would see you after the premiere and I’ve been doing these interviews all day, going over and over the last ten years and after the other night I couldn’t just leave things like we did…” Chris could hear himself babbling.

Sebastian searched Chris’s face, “Are you..”

“I’m jumping.” Chris blurted and cringed seeing the confusion on Sebastian’s face.

“What?”

“Fuck, sorry.” Chris groaned pinching the bridge of his nose.

“Chris?” Sebastian said after a moment when Chris hadn’t said anything trying to gather his thoughts and nerve.

“I want to say something I should have said months ago.” Chris said slower and calmer than he had managed so far.

Sebastian took a step back and put his hands on his hips, almost ready for an attack. “Okay.”

Chris swallowed thickly and ran his hands through his hair and beard, thinking where to start. “I err… I’ve spent a year being angry, for everything that happened between us, thinking somehow I was getting over it.” Chris felt the familiar tingle burning at the tip of his nose and heat in his cheeks as he tried to fight back the threat of tears. “I need you to know that I don’t regret that it ended.”

Sebastian let out a pained huff, looking up at the ceiling and turned his back on Chris, “Jesus.”

“No listen,” He took a step towards Sebastian, “Please, I’m sick of not being honest and I’m trying now Seb… please.” Chris watched as Sebastian turned slowly back to him, tears in his eyes.

Chris knew he had to explain, no matter how hard it was to hear. “I don’t regret it, because we couldn’t go on the way it was. All we were doing was hurting each other. We needed that break, that time to process it, to understand how not to hurt each other anymore than we had.”

“That’s great Chris, I’m glad you feel better about yourself.” Sebastian said bluntly.

“I don’t feel better about myself,” Chris corrected. “But I do understand my mistakes and what I lost…” He fidgeted wringing his hands, “What I wish I still had, what I’d fight to get back in a heartbeat.”

“You can’t go back.” Sebastian said with a tired sigh.

“I’m not asking to.” Chris said.

“Then what?” Sebastian asked shaking his head at the pointlessness of the conversation.

“I want to try again; I want _us_ to try again.” Chris said his voice as calm as he could keep it.

Sebastian’s head snapped up and he frowned at Chris. “Are you fucking… crazy?”

“Maybe,” Chris said with a small laugh. “I love you; I always have, I haven’t got over you, us.” He stated, all of it fact.

“No Chris,” Sebastian said taking a step back and looking round him wildly letting it run though his mind, filtering what Chris had said. “No.” He said again shaking his head.

“Seb, please just hear me out-” Chris pleaded.

“Why?” Sebastian shouted as he threw his arms out almost hysterically, “Why would I put myself through that again? Why would we do that to each other.”

“Because I know you still love me.” Chris blurted. “I know you do.” He said emphasising he knew it to be true.

Sebastian froze, the look of shock on his face melted as the words sank in. Dropping his head Sebastian clicked his tongue. “Mackie.”

“Yeah.” Chris said shaking some nerves off.

“Look, Chris…” Sebastian started but stopped as Chris reached out, his hand suspended between them.

“I’m not asking for you to run off with me into the sunset.” Chris said urgently, “I just want you to know that this is how I feel… if I don’t do this I…” He scratched at the back of his head, shaking it trying to find the words. “If I don’t do this then… I won’t know that I’ve done everything I could before I walk away and move on… with no regrets.”

Chris watched as Sebastian tried to process it all, he nodded and gave out a shuddery breath. He grabbed at the sofa he had been sat on and sank down. Chris came and sat on the coffee table in front of Sebastian.

Sebastian held out his hand to stop Chris before he started, “Chris, I’m with Oliver.”

Chris couldn’t hide the biting sting of that fact, “I know, I’m not trying to come between you.”

“No?” Sebastian asked incredulously.

Chris pursed his lips and sighed, “I never put _us_ first when we were together Seb, I’m being selfish now because I’ll regret it for the rest of my life for not even trying, for not even talking to you about it.”

Sebastian pressed the heels of his hands into his eyes and slowly dragged his hands down his face, trying to sober himself in the moment before looking at Chris. He could see the defences that Chris had had up the previous night when they had met, were down, he was open and vulnerable and fucking hopeful. It made Sebastian want to hurt him and comfort him all at once. Sebastian knew there was no fix for this, for them but he’d hear Chris out because deep down he wanted Chris to be right, he wanted to consider it.

“We self-destructed Chris, it would happen again.” Sebastian said.

Chris let out a breath he was holding, a small relief that Sebastian was even going to talk to him and not just ask him to leave. “I let so many other factors influence me, the studio, the media, my own fears of coming out and being who I really am when I’m with you.”

Sebastian cocked an eyebrow at Chris, challenging him. “What is so different now?”

“My fears were unfounded; my friends fucking knew, and my family, it didn’t matter to them.” He watched as Sebastian scrapped at the knee of his jeans listening and fighting back his own tears. “I’m done with the studio; they can’t hold that threat over me anymore and the media… I’m making this movie Seb, it’s going to be out there.”

Sebastian looked at Chris, he couldn’t be angry with him, he knew it was Chris’s choice to do the film and he had told him too. He wouldn’t have to take claim for Chris’s portrayal of him. There would be people that knew it was him but unless he came out and said it was true it would be a mystery.

Sebastian never said anything instead he decided to open himself up, if Chris wanted this discussion, he needed to know Sebastian’s fears.

“I can’t go through that again, not being trusted.” Sebastian said his voice barely a whisper.

Chris rocked forward where he sat and clasped his hands, he knew that had hurt Sebastian most and Chris knew he could not hold back now.

Chris looked at him directly in the eye, “I can’t turn off being jealous Seb, there would be something wrong with me if there wasn’t some jealousy, but I do trust you.” Chris countered.

Sebastian thought back on those times he knew Chris was overly jealous, processive even and he knew he should have called him out on it, stopped it calmed him down, but he couldn’t not live his life either.

“I can’t put you through that again, that fear, that anxiety.” Sebastian said more to himself looking away from Chris.

Chris lent forward and nudged Sebastian’s knee to make him look back at him. “Jealousy and anxiety made it worse, but it was the secrets, they were the foundation for it all. My anxiety is still there, just focused on something else right now and will change again tomorrow.” Chris knew Sebastian understood this.

“As for the jealousy, I was jealous, I was jealous that it wasn’t me out there with you, I wanted everyone to know that you were with me, you loved me.” Chris fought not to wipe the tear that rolled down Sebastian’s cheek, or pull his bottom lip from between his teeth. “I’m not jealous of people talking or looking at you, I’m jealous that they don’t get to see how much I love you.”

Sebastian let out a shuddered breath and looked down, the dark drops from his tears soaking into his jeans. “What if I fail, what if I drink too much, what if I can’t keep my sobriety?”

Chris opened his mouth and shook his head gently, not sure why it worried Sebastian but he answered it as honestly as he could. “We’ll deal with it together.” It didn’t seem enough, he took Sebastian’s chin between his thumb and finger and made him look up.

“We both have weaknesses; you know that, and we know what they are. We can’t write each other off for things that might not happen. We can work on them, support each other and do our best to avoid them.”

“I’m flawed Chris.” Sebastian said.

Chris shook his head cupping Sebastian’s cheeks, worried by the doubt he saw there. “We are all flawed Sebastian; we all make mistakes. You have never hurt anyone. I should have been there to support you instead of letting you down.”

“Fuck.” Sebastian said with a hiccupped sob.

Chris sunk down to his knees in front of Sebastian, he wanted to hold him but was scared to overstep the line. When Sebastian’s hands reached out and fisted in Chris’s shirt pulling him closer, Chris grabbed on, squeezing his eyes closed and ran his fingers over his shoulders, his neck and into his hair as Sebastian rested his head on Chris’s shoulder. Chris held him tight and whispered over and over “I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.” His voice desperate and scared.

Sebastian didn’t want to let go, he wanted to crane into the heat of Chris’s body, believe everything he was saying and open his eyes and it be a new day and they could both live happily ever after. But this was crazy, as much as it was everything Sebastian had dreamt of and wanted to hear, he knew it wasn’t that simple. So much had happened over the space of a few days, there was going to be a crash and someone if not both would get hurt.

Chris felt Sebastian’s body relax and pull away slightly. Chris let go but left his hand on Sebastian’s arm, he didn’t want to lose that contact, that touch he had missed so much, that he might never have again. Sebastian’s eyes and nose were red, the tiredness he’s seen the other night, pulled at his features, something Chris had seen reflected in the mirror back at himself.

“I’m sorry Seb.”

They sat in silence for moment until Sebastian reached out and took Chris’s hand in his.

“I don’t want to give you false hope.” Sebastian said. “Just because you love someone doesn’t mean it’s right to be with them.” Chris listened and laced his fingers with Sebastian’s. “I know you don’t want to think it but it’s so easy to fall back into those familiar comfort zones and repeat the same mistakes.”

“It’s different, we’ve changed.” Chris said squeezing at Sebastian’s hand.

“I never changed Chris,” Sebastian said pointing to himself, “I’m the same person I’ve always been.” he said slowly.

After a moment Chris nodded. “I’ve changed, and I’m not scared anymore.” Chris said a confidence that even Sebastian felt radiate off him.

Sebastian shook his head in disbelief, wiping the dampness from his face, “This doesn’t all just go away Chris, all the hurt and anger, you think that can just be brushed away and we move on? Start a fresh? Just wipe that last couple of years away?”

Chris levelled his eyes with Sebastian, he knew Sebastian was right and while there was doubt closed to the surface, there was also hope. “No, I know that I need to learn from it all, and if you don’t want to try again, I get it, I do. I just want to be happy again.”

Sebastian squeezed at the hand that was in his, “Then make sure you are happy in yourself first, don’t rely on anyone else doing that for you.”

“I’m trying.” Chris assured.

Sebastian gave a half smile and tilted his head looking at him. “Chris I… I need time to think, this is…”

“Crazy… I know.” Chris couldn’t stop the deflating feeling crushing him.

There was a soft knock at the door, Sebastian closed his eyes and cursed under his breath. Reluctantly they let go and sat back from each other. Sebastian called out and the door opened quietly, Helen gave them an apologetic smile.

“We have to go Chris.” She said looking between them.

Sebastian dreaded to think what they must look like, the room seemed so much hotter than it was, and the atmosphere tinged heavy with emotion.

“I’ll be right out.” Chris said his eyes never leaving Sebastian’s.

When the door closed Chris got up from where he was perched on the table. He held out a hand to Sebastian and helped him up. Sebastian let Chris pull him against him, their foreheads pressed together, Sebastian’s breath hitched as Chris spoke, “Whatever happens I want you to know I’m a better person because of you.”

Sebastian closed his eyes and swallowed thickly. “Chris, I can’t…”

“I know.” Chris said feeling Sebastian’s hand fist in his shirt by his sides and then let go.

When Chris finally pulled back from the little bubble they had been standing in, he knew they were both parting with a little hope.

\--

Chris’s house was busy, and it made him feel more relaxed, his parents, his brother and sisters and their families made it hard for him to let his mind wander from the task at hand. They were all getting ready for the premiere, the cars would be there to pick them up shortly.

Despite his attempt to get an early night Chris had spent a long time up talking, well listening, maybe more daydreaming. His thoughts were on nothing other that Sebastian. Every so often a twist of cold dread would drop to the pit of his stomach thinking back to that afternoon and the look on Sebastian’s face at the shock at fear of Chris’s words. Chris would squeeze his eyes closed and think of Sebastian’s touch, the way he had clung on and let Chris hold him. The discomfort dispelled and it reaffirmed the reason he had gone to see him.

Standing in front of the mirror now he felt that same twist and willed it away, he knew he was putting too much on this, he couldn’t get his hopes up, he knew that he had done what he could and if Sebastian walked away then he had to do as he promised, respect his decision and move on.

“My god you are wearing more make up then Ma these days.” Scott said knocking Chris from his thoughts.

Chris cocked an eyebrow at him and punched him on the shoulder, “Shut it.”

“You need it to hide those worry lines.” Scott teased.

“You have no idea.” Chris fiddled with his watch strap and felt his phone vibrate in his pocket and moved so Scott could get to the mirror.

“Wow,” Scott said watching Chris’s face easy into a happy smile at the phone in his hand. “Who has got you smiling.”

Chris looked up from the message, three little words that felt like they meant more from Sebastian.

_Seb: Good luck tonight_

He wanted to tell Scott, he wanted to let him know what he had done and how he felt but he was scared, not sure how much he was setting himself up to be knocked down.

\--

Sebastian put the phone back in his pocket and took a tentative sip from his glass of fizz. He wasn’t keen on drinking anything until later, but Oliver had brought the glass in as he had finished getting ready. His body was here but his mind somewhere else, it was going to be a big night and the last thing Sebastian wanted to do was get drunk and do anything stupid. Not now.

Sebastian had been in a daze since seeing Chris the day before. It was like he was in a dream, everything around him, he was hyper aware of. He felt that he was transparent, every time his mind wandered to Chris, he was sure everyone could see his heartbeat faster in his chest.

The thought of Chris’s words and his pleading face were haunting and equally exciting. Had Chris come to him weeks after they split and said all those things; Sebastian knew he would have jumped into Chris’s arms and given it everything that he had left in him to make it work.

The intense colours of his world faded then, bring him back to reality. It hadn’t been a few weeks, not even months; it had been a year and Sebastian had moved on, he was in a relationship with Oliver, one that after the length of time they had been together must mean something.

Sebastian watched Oliver fixing his hair in the mirror, there was a warm glow in his chest and that was where it seemed to stay, it had always been the same with Oliver, it never grew and it never faded, it was just there. Sebastian knew his feelings for Chris had never been that way, they had sent him into the depths of despair and the highest carefree feelings he’d had in his life. Maybe that’s what love was about, he wasn’t sure he could risk it, risk this with Oliver for a whim. Chris said he was jumping but Sebastian knew he had been too hurt to just do that again so easily.

The gentle hand on his cheek brought him from his thoughts. “Earth to Sebastian.” Oliver said pressing a kiss to his lips.

Sebastian let his eyes close and his hands plane over Oliver’s back, pressing him to his chest. Sebastian felt the warmth inside grow slightly with Oliver’s mouth to his, but it quickly died when Oliver pulled back from the kiss. Holding Sebastian’s face between his hands Oliver smiled at him.

“I’m so proud of you Seb.” Oliver whispered. “I love you.”

Fuck.

\--

Mackie clasped his hand round that back for Sebastian’s neck as the headed into the theatre, both were still buzzing from the red carpet. Mackie could feel the energy rolling off Sebastian and despite the calm exterior, he was bubbling underneath.

“You going to tell me why you are fucked or are you going to leave me hanging all night.” Anthony said in Sebastian’s ear.

Sebastian blew out a deep breath as he gave Mackie a side glance, he had managed to keep a lid on things till he got the car and had sent an emergency text off to Mackie about Oliver’s confession.

“Oliver,” Sebastian said under his breath, looking ahead to where he could see Oliver chatting to a couple of friends that had come with them. “He dropped a bomb on me before we left.”

Anthony cocked his eyebrow, “He pregnant?”

Sebastian stopped and looked at Mackie. “Very funny,” he said with mock laughter. “He said he loves me.”

Anthony sighed at the sad look on Sebastian’s face. “Wow it’s a hard life being you, huh?” They moved with the flow of people toward their seats. “Two admissions in as many days, what did you say.”

Sebastian shrugged, “Nothing, I just kissed him.”

“You not feeling it?” Anthony said watching Sebastian carefully.

“I thought after everything I would know one way or the other, but Chris coming to me yesterday…”

Anthony grabbed Sebastian’s upper arm and stopped Sebastian in his tracks, he turned to look at him surprised by the seriousness in his face. “Look Seb, I’m saying this as much for you as I am for Chris and Oliver and Chris. You. Have. To. Be. Sure.” He watched Sebastian’s head nod. “You can’t jump ship on that boy on a ‘what if’, but don’t lead him on. I don’t want to watch my friend get hurt again.”

“I know.” Sebastian said in a small voice.

Anthony let go of his arm and Sebastian moved on, following the guide to his seat. He could see Oliver giving him a loving smile as he approached. Sebastian returned it but felt an emptiness with Anthony’s words ringing in his ears. From where he stood he could see Chris’s seat, he wasn’t in it and he found himself looking round and finding the familiar heat in his belly at seeing Chris talking animatedly in the aisle, his laugh travelled over the crowd and Sebastian knew by the possessive grip on his heart who he wanted.

Sebastian watched the film in small bursts, his eyes sometimes on the screen while his mind elsewhere. Often his eyes were averted to the back to Chris’s head. He wondered if what Chris had said the day before was still true. Sebastian knew he couldn’t rush in as Mackie had said and make another mistake, risk hurting anyone else. So, when the cast were on the stage at the end of the screening, he knew he had to find something out.

Ever since Chris had been threatened by, he studio about their outwardly affection Chris had always kept his distance from Sebastian in public. Now knowing why, Sebastian wanted to know if that still stood, or whether as Chris had said the day before, that he had changed, that he didn’t care anymore, that he wasn’t scared.

It was stupid and almost anticipating his actions Mackie pressed a firm hand to his chest and whispered in his ear, “Are you sure?”

“I have to know.” Sebastian said as he continued to clap with the rest of the auditorium.

As people started to rise from their seats Sebastian set across to the centre of the stage. Chris with his back to the audience and was talking to some of the cast. Sebastian never let his eye’s waiver as he approached and reached out a hand to Chris’s shoulder. Chris looked over and faltered, a look of surprise that chilled Sebastian, maybe he was wrong to have tried. But Chris quickly dismissed his conversation and looked back at Sebastian, his smile bright and open, a happiness to see him. Chris wrapped his arms round Sebastian pulling him close, it was brief but firm, holding him steady.

Chris lips were turned into Sebastian ear, “You look great.” Chris said as he pulled back, suddenly bashful.

“You too,” Sebastian smiled, “You did great.” He said talking about the film.

Sebastian’s heart was thumping in his chest and his ears ringing, he wasn’t sure he would hear anything else said, the crowd dispersing making a louder noise. He didn’t need to hear anything though, as he stood there, Chris’s eyes were on him and hand ran down the length of his arm till his fingers hooked, lightly with Sebastian’s. Sebastian fought the coil of heat in his core and squeezed Chris fingers and let go.

“I’ll see you after.” Sebastian said with a smile and backed away.

Sebastian did see Chris later that night but from afar. More than once when Sebastian looked up and he was in touching distance of Chris, but they never got the chance to talk. So many people were vying for their attention.

As the night had began to wind down, Sebastian had checked his phone, there was a message from Chris.

_Chris: I don’t know when ‘after’ will be, but I’ll wait._

Sebastian frowned at the message and looked round the room, feeling the eyes on him; and they were. Chris was in a group of people talking but he was watching Sebastian, a shy smile at being caught staring. Sebastian gave a small smile back and felt confused when Chris abruptly looked away. A moment later Sebastian felt a hand on the small of his back and the familiar sent of Oliver leaning into him.

“You ready?” Oliver asked.

Sebastian nodded unable to say anything, as he walked away, he looked back but Chris was gone.

Neither said goodbye.

\--

Toronto Film Festival September 2019.

‘After’ had been a long time, much longer than Chris had anticipated. But as he kept reminding himself, Sebastian hadn’t promised anything.

They had kept in touch; Sebastian had started a random text thread rating old movies they had watched a hundred times. There was no flirting, but their messages were fast a furious through the first few days. Chris lived for that alert that he had a message, often holding off reading it until he knew he’d have a proper chance to reply. As the days went to weeks their chat became more relaxed and less frequent, every other day instead of daily.

Then came the silence.

It was the longest week of Chris’s life, several times he picked up the phone to call but stopped himself, instead waiting a little longer for Sebastian to reply to another random message.

Sebastian never replied to Chris’s messages.

So, Chris called Anthony_._

“They split up, just in the past week.” Anthony said down the line.

“What happened?” Chris asked.

“I’m guessing Oliver didn’t like Sebastian messaging his ex-boyfriend continuously… OR… the small problem that Sebastian couldn’t return his feelings.” Anthony said as matter of fact.

Chris didn’t know what to do, should he call Sebastian, should he acted like he didn’t know, Sebastian hadn’t told him himself, so Chris knew it wasn’t the best idea to go in guns blazing.

“Is he ok?” Chris asked.

Anthony hummed down the phone and said, “Better than you would think after a breakup.” As if hearing Chris’s thoughts Anthony continued. “Give him time, they are still in the process of sorting all their shit out.”

Chris did give it time.

When Sebastian finally started messaging Chris back he apologised for his lack of response and after a couple of messages told Chris the news.

_Seb: Oliver and I ended things._

_Chris: Are you ok?_

_Seb: Yeah, it was going to happen, eventually._

And that was it.

Now Chris hadn’t expected Sebastian to come knocking down his door when he had split up with Oliver, but Chris had to admit he had hoped there may have been more. More conversation round it, maybe the underlying reason… But Chris never asked, he feared he’d put his foot in it and scare Sebastian away.

Their chats had become less frequent with Sebastian over filming in Europe and as disheartening as it was Chris knew it was likely that the friendship, they had salvaged was all they were going to have.

It had been 5 months since the last time they had been in the same room and as Chris kept reminding himself was another day apart, another day of getting over each other. So when Sebastian had suggested they should meet up during TIFF, Chris couldn’t stop himself from getting his hopes up and he knew he shouldn’t but even just the thought spending some time in each other’s company lit him up.

They were both promoting at the festival and while their schedules would be busy, it would be the only chance with Sebastian due to return to Europe for filming. Chris would take it, even if it was ten minutes over a coffee. He knew they couldn’t go on avoiding each other leaving everything so open ended.

As the weekend had come closer Chris could feel his hopes sinking, Sebastian had said his schedule had delayed him, he wouldn’t be doing promotion, he’d still be try make the final night for the premiere of his film but he would be straight back on a flight to London after. Their window of opportunity was slim, and Chris felt his last chance slipping away.

Tonight, was Chris’s last night in Toronto and he hadn’t heard anymore from Sebastian. They could chalk it up as missed opportunity, something he felt was always going to be the case until they stopped trying.

Chris flipped the microphone in his hand in front of a stage of people a smile stretched on his face. Chris waited until everyone had taken their seats and followed Joe back out of the building to the waiting car.

“I need a drink.” Chris said with a huff. “Where’s the bar?”

Joe looked at the dejection in Chris’s body, “You know you could always go to Europe.”

Chris looked back at him, his eyebrow raised, “I’m not making a fool of myself again for your amusement.”

“No more then usual.” Joe said taking a bottle of fizz from Megan in the back seat. “Here this will help.” He said pouring a glass and looking at Chris.

Chris put his hand out to take the glass and saw Joe look a Megan and flash of panic crossed his face and he threw the liquid from the glass towards Chris, soaking his t-shirt, jacket and pants. Chris sat stunned, looking down at the mess before laughing in shook.

“What the fuck?” Chris said wiping some of the liquid from his beard.

“Sorry!” Joe said pulling a grimace. “It slipped.”

Chris shook his head laughing, “You threw it!”

“I never!” Joe countered.

“That’s enough boys, you better get changed.” Megan said with a sigh.

Despite being soaked though, it didn’t stop Chris enjoying a couple of glasses on the way back to the hotel, he had time for a quick shower and change and then back out to the afterparty. The buzz of the drink made him smile as he rode the evaluator to his floor. The stickiness of the champagne itched at his skin as it dried. He was barely in the room before he began stripping out of his jacket, his t-shirt was next and as he pulled it from his face, he gave a start and shout.

Standing looking back at him an amused look on his face was Sebastian. Chris felt his heart racing from the fright and the realisation of what he was seeing. Holding the balled-up shirt to his chest Chris took a step into the room.

“Seb? What… you’re here.”

Sebastian smiled and gave out a nervous laugh, “Yeah, but not officially, so don’t go telling anyone.”

“How did you…” Chris looked back at the door. He knew it didn’t matter but it was such a surprise, he wasn’t sure if he was drunk or hallucinating.

“Same person that did that.” Sebastian said point to the shirt clutched to Chris’s chest.

Chris looked down suddenly aware he was half naked and flushed, “Shit, right.” He said shaking out the t-shirt to put it back on.

“It’s ok,” Sebastian laughed, “I can wait, get changed… or don’t.” The tone in his voice dropped and had Chris looking up at him searching his features.

Sebastian cleared his throat and scratched at the back of his neck. Chris couldn’t not admire the smooth, tanned skin pulling over the firm and sculped muscle that showed when his t-shirt rode up his arms.

“I would have been here sooner,” Sebastian started, a little tilt in his voice. “Not here, here. But here with you. I wanted to see you sooner but…” He dragged his teeth other his bottom lip in thought, “Mackie scared me.” He finally said, feeling stupid at the reason. “He told me too many people had been hurt and to be sure before I did anything.” He paused looking at Chris, for a reaction.

Sebastian could see the way Chris’s breath hitched as his chest rose and fell, “And?” Chris asked his voice was rough.

“I knew what I wanted to minute you came to see me Chris, I just… am I too late?” he asked his voice small.

Chris stalled his mind short circuiting, he opened and closed his mouth, he could see the slight fear in Sebastian’s face. Chris let out a breath he had been holding and surged forward dropping his shirt and taking Sebastian’s face between his palms, he looked for a moment, just a check for any flash of doubt before pressing his lips to Sebastian’s.

Chris felt Sebastian’s hesitant fingers over his naked lower back but when Chris licked across Sebastian’s lips, he felt the sting of fingernails digging in and clawing at his skin. Chris moaned into him, his tongue exploring the heat of Sebastian’s mouth.

Chris felt himself being pulled forward, almost toppling over as Sebastian pressing his body flat against Chris’s chest. Chris looped an arm round his waist holding him where he wanted to be. Every fibre of Chris’s body was alight, the weeks, months, year of dreaming about touching and tasting Sebastian. The muscle memory of how he felt in his arms, how to hold him, curve round him till he could feel the drumming of his heart.

It was him and he was real, Chris was scared to stop, scared that this was just another dream.

There was a shudder through Chris’s body as their lips parted with their breathing laboured. 

“No.” Chris whispered, and he felt Sebastian’s body stiffen.

“What?”

Chris pulled back so he could see Sebastian’s eyes. “No, it’s not too late.”

The worried frown on Sebastian’s face crumpled and he gave out a breathless laugh and pressed his forehead to Chris’s “Thank fuck.”

Chris laughed and caressed his thumb over Sebastian’s stubbled cheek, he knew there were things he knew should really be said but there was only one thing on he wanted to know.

“Is this real?” Chris asked, he watched at Sebastian’s eye fluttered open and looked up at him.

“Yes.” Sebastian said simply.

Chris smiled and crushed his lips to Sebastian’s.

\--

The after party was great, real nice, that’s all Chris could say because he was desperate to leave, anxious to get back to the hotel and make sure Sebastian hadn’t changed his mind. He had kissed Sebastian within an inch of his life had asked him to come with him, scared to let him out of his sight but Sebastian had declined. The earlier flight he had taken to get to see Chris had left him sleepless and exhausted and he didn’t want to admit he was there until he had to work. He had promised Chris he’d be at the hotel and they’d get a chance to spend time together, but Chris couldn’t shirk the afterparty.

Reluctantly Chris had let go of Sebastian long enough to grab a shower, the sticky sweet alcohol washed from his skin. When he came out the bathroom, Sebastian had been laying on top of the sheets, still in his clothes, snoring gently. Chris wasn’t sure how much time he lost to just watching him.

A gentle tap at the door had knocked Chris from his daze. A sheepish looking Joe stood in the corridor, not sure if he should be happy, smug or regretful for interfering. Chris at any other time would have milked it and dragged out Joe’s discomfort at not knowing, but not today, not now. Chris couldn’t hide the happiness he felt, and he wrapped Joe up in a hug.

“Thank you.” Chris said his voice close to breaking.

Joe gave Chris a firm hug and pat on the back, “I hope this isn’t part of your post coitus hug.”

Chris let out a bellowing laugh, “I wish!”

“Jesus.” Joe groaned as the walked down to the elevators. “So, can I ask?”

Chris smiled and felt the tug of emotion in his throat. “I think we are going to be ok; we are going to try.” His said honestly.

When Chris got back to his room later that night, he wasn’t expecting to find Sebastian still there instead he thought he’d have gone back to his own room; but there he was, sound asleep in Chris’s bed. What made Chris’s heartbeat faster was that Sebastian had obviously woken and taken off the clothes he’d been wearing and folded them and put them on the chair. Beside the chair was a small suitcase, which he must have brought from his room, it was open with a few things spilling out. Sebastian had got under the covers of Chris’s bed and fallen asleep, waiting for Chris to return.

Chris stripped down to his boxers and cautiously pulled the cover back and slipped in beside Sebastian. He was nervous, not wanting to be presumptuous, but unable to reach out and touch the warm skin. His fingers danced up Sebastian arm and down over his chest and over the dark hard nipple. Chris heard the soft sleep sigh and it rushed straight to his groin. The bed shifted and Sebastian turn to face him, still half in sleep.

Chris tightened his arm round Sebastian and pulled him close to his chest. Sebastian was pliant and moaned, his knee coming up and slotting between Chris’s legs like they had so many times in the past. Sebastian’s lips pressed instinctively against his chest making Chris shiver.

It was then that a sudden fear gripped Chris, a panic he hadn’t felt in so long. Sebastian sensed the change in Chris’s breathing and looking up at him, the lights were dim be he could see the wildness in his eye.

“Chris.” Sebastian said running a soothing hand over is face, “Look at me.”

Chris looked down at the concern in Sebastian’s face and just shook his head, unable to talk. Sebastian pushed himself up and turned the bedside light on before trying to get Chris to sit up with him.

“Breath Chris, with me, slowly.” Sebastian counted out the breaths for Chris until the stiffness in his body expelled and he relaxed against Sebastian who whispered, “Talk to me.”

Chris’s voice was strangled but he forced it out. “You’re here,” he let out a sob, “You are really here.”

Sebastian’s heart broke, holding Chris tighter. “Yeah, I’m here, I’m not going anywhere.”

Chris pulled out of Sebastian’s hold and cupped his face with one hand, “I’ve missed you.”

“I know,” Sebastian said. “I missed you.”

Chris licked his lips trying keep calm and not panic again. “I haven’t… it’s been so long.”

Sebastian felt an odd dip in his core, he wasn’t sure if Chris had been with anyone while they had been apart and with Chris knowing that he had, Sebastian now knew where the panic was coming from.

“We don’t have to do anything, not if you don’t want to, not till you are ready.” Sebastian said soothingly.

“I want to.” Chris said a bit too quickly making Sebastian laugh.

Sebastian bit on his lip and his eyes grew dark, Chris’s thumb still caressing his cheek. Sebastian pulled Chris’s hand round to his lips and pressed a wet kiss to his palm and the tips of his fingers in turn. Letting his tongue dip out and lick at the pad of one finger before closing his mouth round it and sucking.

Chris grave out a guttural groan, his eyes closing and cock growing hard. “Sebastian.” He breathed.

Sebastian dragged the wet finger from between his lips and over his chin traveling down over his hard chest and to the waist of his boxers, his cock heave and hard beneath. “I’m going to show you I’m really here.”

Chris was spaced out, his whole body alight as Sebastian straddled him, his lips traveling to places forgotten and more sensitive from lack of touch. Chris could hear the noises coming from his own mouth, but he couldn’t connect them in his head. The moment the heat of Sebastian’s mouth closed round his cock, sent Chris jumping forward but Sebastian’s deft hands held him down and devoured him relentlessly. The flush and desperation to hold on and not come after only seconds had him whimpering which just had Sebastian moaning with his mouth full.

“Fuck, please, Seb, I’m…. fuck… I can’t.”

Sebastian pulled back gripping him at the base of his cock, stopping him from going over the edge. “Tell me what you want.” Sebastian purred.

“You, please.” Chris begged. He could see the lust in Sebastian’s eyes before he swallowed Chris back down and increased his pace. “Fuck… ah… Seb…”

Chris whited out and shouted as the hot coiling in his gut exploded, his fingers dug in the muscle of Sebastian’s shoulder and the fingers clawed at his short hair. Sebastian slowed and licked the last of the come from Chris’s cock.

“Come here, please.” Chris said looking down, his vision slightly blurry.

Sebastian blew gently on the wet tip of Chris cock and smiled at the violent shiver it sent through him. Gone was the fear and panic from before, instead Chris held him firmly, pulling till his lips were against his own, his tongue licking into his mouth claiming him. Sebastian let himself be enveloped by Chris, his strength overpowering him. Sebastian moaned content with his hand in Chris’s hair and the other running the length of his back.

Chris rolled them over and caught the waist of Sebastian’s boxers, pulling them over the curve of ass, Sebastian was quick to help discard them. Chris was half on top of him, his hand closing round the length of Sebastian, his thumb swiping over the wet tip.

“Fuck.” Sebastian mumbled again Chris’s lips.

Chris started stroking Sebastian, matching the gentle thrust of Sebastian’s hips. Despite their time apart, Chris could still read Sebastian’s body, the stilted thrust as he came close to an orgasm and the determined huff as he fought for dominance in their kiss. It made Chris grin stupidly at the distraught noise Sebastian made as he pulled himself from their kiss, wanting to see Sebastian, lose control and the way his mouth parted, and his eyes fluttered back into his head as his orgasm surged through him and spilling over Chris’s hand.

“Chris.” The word was long and drawn out from Sebastian’s lips, Chris couldn’t take his eyes off him.

Sebastian’s eyes finally opened as Chris’s hand stilled. He was caught in the gaze of Chris, a look of awe on his face before he finally smiled down at him.

Leaning in Chris pressed his lips to Sebastian’s and whispered against them, “I love you.”

Sebastian’s lips met his firmly. “I love you too.”

\--

Epilogue

Toronto Film Festival September 2020

“Fuck.” Chris said dropping the mic.

“Stop doing that.” Joe hissed watching Chris lob it in the air again.

“I can’t, I’m nervous.” Chris said wiping at the sweat at his hairline.

“Hey, how’s it looking?” Helen, Sebastian’s assistant asked pressing her shoulder against Joe’s to nudge him out of the way to see the crowd’s reaction to the film screening.

They were ten minutes from the credits, and it was the first time Chris had worked up the guts to look out. The auditorium was packed, and he didn’t need to see the screen to know where they were in the movie. Every time there was a laugh or a sigh from the audience at the right moment it felt like a win.

Sebastian had chosen to sit out in the audience, unable to take Chris’s nerves, instead wanting to enjoy it and gauge the reaction in the crowd. It wasn’t like Sebastian hadn’t seen it; he was in it after all.

It had taken some convincing and few auditions and screen tests of different actors to convince Sebastian to take the role. He maintained that his reasoning in taking the part was he couldn’t take incessant mumblings and fraught ramblings of Chris every night when trying cast to role.

\--

Eight Months earlier.

Sebastian padded through to the lounge; Dogger hot on his heals. Placing his mug on the table and the plate that was balanced on top of the book in his hands. Stretching his legs out Sebastian let Dodger clamber over him and squeeze into the back of the chair and resting his head in Sebastian’s lap, where he’d wait patiently until Sebastian relented and give him the last and best corner of his sandwich.

Sebastian picked up his book and flipped it open, a small note fell from the pages. Dodger sniffed at it before Sebastian picked it up, recognising the writing.

_What if I made you a producer on the film?_ _Xx_

Sebastian rolled his eyes; it was the latest in a long line of offers Chris had made to get him to take the part in the film.

“No!” Sebastian shouted, knowing his voice would travel to where Chris was working down the hall.

It took a moment, but Chris came into view and crossed his arms over his chest. “Why not?”

“Cause, Chris, it’s weird. Playing myself?” Sebastian said scrunching up his nose.

Chris pouted and came to sit at the end of the couch and stroked Dodgers back. “Even with the rewrites?”

Chris had re-written the script based on the first few tenuous years of their relationship. Even with a change in genre from, hard drama to black comedy, it was still an odd and weird scenario for Sebastian to be in. The script had changed enough where Sebastian felt it wasn’t based on the events that happened to them but a lose idea of who they had been during those times.

Sebastian sighed, “Chris…”

“Please, just come do the screen test, if it doesn’t work then I’ll drop it.” Chris pleaded.

“You want to find out if I have chemistry on screen, with someone that is pretending to, be you?” Sebastian said raising his eyebrow.

Chris’s eyes squinted; he knew how it sounded but he also knew he wanted Sebastian part of the project. “Yes?” He answered, unsure he liked that take on it.

Sebastian took a bite of his sandwich and chewed mulling it over. “You promise you’ll drop it if it doesn’t work out?”

Chris bit his lip trying not to smile. “Promise.”

Sebastian rolled his eyes again and smile, “Okay, fine.”

Chris sat up and leaned over Dodger and kissed Sebastian, “Thank you baby.”

\--

Being directed by Chris had been an ill-founded worry because Chris had been passionate and dedicated, he knew what he wanted had pushed Sebastian to get what he needed. The experience was helped by the fact that their relationship was not open on set. They were professional and reserved, many of the cast and crew unaware of their personal circumstances.

Despite that the days shoot where Sebastian had had the one and only intimate scene of the movie, Chris had come to him with a suggestion.

“I’m going to have the assistant director in charge for scene.” Chris said very matter of fact.

“Why?” Sebastian knew the reasons he might find it weird but was surprised that Chris would take the step back on his own movie.

“I just want you comfortable and to not have anything else on you mind.” Chris said taking Sebastian’s hand in his.

Sebastian bit his lip in thought then asked. “Why have the scene in the movie as all?”

Chris’s brow knitted together and answered without hesitation. “Because it’s an integral part of his story, he it is discovering someone new and its passionate.”

“Right and you think I can pull that off?” Sebastian asked.

Chris sighed, “Of course you can, I know you can.”

“So, you know it’s me acting right and that’s all it is?”

Chris relaxed and tilted his head, “Yes.”

“Good.” Sebastian nodded. “Then you should direct it, no one else.”

Chris took a moment and small smile crossed his face. “Thank you.”

“You can thank me properly later.” He said with kissing Chris’s jaw.

It had been no more awkward than any other sex scene in Sebastian’s career but at least he had a good understanding of the context. Plus, no other sex scene had led to a mind-blowing orgasm from the director later that day…

“Can I be honest.” Chris said between rough kisses.

Sebastian sat back on Chris’s thighs where he pushed him onto the bed and pulled Chris’s shirt open. “What?” He asked, smiling at how flushed Chris’s cheeks were.

Chris looked down, not meeting Sebastian’s eye. “I struggled watching you today.”

The smile slipped from Sebastian’s face. He hadn’t noticed, Chris had been focused and not once did that slip. Sebastian pulled at Chris’s shirt to get him to sit up, “Come here.”

Chris sat up, he felt stupid, he only had himself to blame, he had asked Sebastian to do the role and the scene and he had been the one to direct it. He knew it meant nothing; he knew it was never an intimate thing with so many people round them, but it didn’t stop the twinge in his gut watching it back now it was over.

Chris rested his hands-on Sebastian’s hips, and closed his eyes as Sebastian started pressing kisses down his jaw and neck and back to his lips. “Can I be honest?” Sebastian asked his breath hot against Chris’s skin. “I hate every woman you have kissed on and off screen.”

This made Chris bark with laughter and he opened his eyes, surprised to see a semi-serious look on Sebastian’s face. “That’s a lot of women.” Chris mused.

“Yeah I know,” Sebastian said watching his lips. “That’s why I think about this,” Sebastian said rocking in Chris’s lap, the hard heat of his cock trapped in his jeans. “And I think about how they will never know what it feels like to have you fuck them, like you do to me.”

Chris’s hands we’re roaming Sebastian’s back under his thin t-shirt, his hips trusting up to meet Sebastian’s. “You’re mine.” Chris growled.

“I’m yours.” Sebastian said panting into Chris’s mouth. “Forever.”

\--

When Chris looked out into the auditorium now, he couldn’t see Sebastian, he was due to come up on stage and join the Q and A after the film. There was a lot of interest in the pair of them working together again and in such a different capacity and with the run up to the film release Chris had felt the pressure to keep what privacy they had managed over the year, private.

Sebastian had been quick to recognise the signs of Chris’s anxiety after they had been pictured, getting a coffee in New York a couple of times. They hadn’t strolled down the street hand in hand, but they had been together, side by side and that was enough to start a rumour and the anxiety in Chris’s head.

While they didn’t address media speculation, not that there was much, Sebastian could see that it made Chris fragile.

“What if we just make a statement?” Chris had blurted as Sebastian started drifting off to sleep.

“What?” Sebastian mumbled.

Chris turned and propped himself up and looked down at Sebastian’s confusion. “What if we just announce we’re together? Take control before they make it a story.”

“You’d be making it a story Chris.” Sebastian said reaching up and rubbed at Chris’s bread, “Look, we don’t have to do anything, no one is knocking on the door asking for answers about why we went for a coffee more than once.” His thumb rubbed over the redness of Chris’s lips where he had been biting them. “We don’t need to do anything, deal with it if it comes but Chris, people aren’t going to care.”

“I care.” Chris said his voice gravelly.

“I know you do,” Sebastian said pressing a kiss to the closest part of his body. “Look, maybe you should head back home for a few days, New York gets you so wound up.”

Chris pouted. “Maybe, but only if you come with me.” Chris looked down at Sebastian with big eyes.

Sebastian chuckled, “I can come for a few days.”

Chris smiled and blushed, “What about all the days?”

“I thought you were going to LA next week?” Sebastian said with a hum.

Chris laughed nervously, “No, I was meaning… why don’t you move in… to the house… with me…”

Sebastian paused and searched Chris’s face, “Like…”

Chris shuffled round so he wasn’t looking at Sebastian upside down and took his hand, “Would you, Sebastian Stan, move in with me?”

When Sebastian didn’t answer straight away, Chris felt a moment of flight and tried to recover, “I mean you don’t have to, it’s not, I don’t want you to feel pressure…”

“Chris…” Sebastian grinned and laughed putting at finger to Chris’s lips, “I’d love to, if you want me to. I’d love to live with you.”

Chris lit up, his whole body went crashing into Sebastian and kissing him, Sebastian laughed beneath him trying to wriggle out of his grasp.

“Calm down,” Sebastian said panting, his face burning from Chris’s beard. “I have a few months left on this lease…”

“Fuck the lease.” Chris said sucking at Sebastian’s collarbone.

“Well I think it’s worth the wait, it will be after film release, everything will have calmed down. Moving is stressful.” Sebastian explained.

Chris rolled off Sebastian and stared up at the ceiling, holding his hand. “If you think moving is stressful, wait till you have my Ma there every weekend wanting to know when we are going to start a family.”

Sebastian turned his head to see Chris’s profile and smiled. “Tell her to at least give us a year.”

Chris turned his head to stare back, “Don’t say thing you don’t mean now.” A smile played on his lips.

“I won’t.” Sebastian smiled back.

Sebastian moved in the next week.

\--

“Hey.” Sebastian whispered in Chris’s ear, making him jump and drop the mic again.

“Fuck.” Chris said swatting at Sebastian’s arm. “Gave me a fucking heart attack.”

“It would only just be putting you over the edge, you are so wound up as it is.” Sebastian said placing his hand on Chris’s chest and feeling his heart racing.

Sebastian pressed a quick kiss to Chris’s cheek before they were about to join the stage. “You’ll be fine. I love you. See you out there.” He whispered.

Even when people raised from their seats to applaud the film, Chris didn’t relax, Sebastian knew as the questions came from the audience and the animated way he spoke, Chris’s mood was bound to crash later. Once the cameras were off, and the door to the outside world was closed behind them, Chris would retreat into himself and go quiet. Sebastian wouldn’t disturb him; he wouldn’t try to cheer him up or try shake him out of it. Instead he’d wait for Chris to come to him and Sebastian would wrap him up in his arms and kiss him gently, until Chris told him what he needed.

Sebastian smiled at the thought of being that person for Chris, the arms he wanted to be in and the fact that Chris felt safe enough to let go and have Sebastian look after him.

Looking out into the audience Sebastian was surprised at the next question that came which seemed to calm Chris, it was one they both had been asked before and answered without the other present.

A girl stood in the aisle and spoke nervously into the microphone. “You and Sebastian have worked together over the years, what has been the best moment filming with Sebastian?”

Chris squinted out into the audience and looked quickly at Sebastian and smiled.

“Filming with Sebastian?” Chris asked.

Chris’s nervous energy transferred to Sebastian as he squirmed in his seat, arms folded over his chest and looking up from under his lashes at Chris. 

“Probably from the first movies, with those memories him and I were both in a very similar place in terms of excitement, uncertainty, and hope. You know, I think we both were a little bit ‘deer in the headlights’… unsure of what commitment meant, unsure of what the journey ahead would mean…” 

Chris looked over at Sebastian his eyes locked with his, Chris knew he was in danger of saying too much but fuck he wanted to tell everyone how much Sebastian meant to him.

“I have a soft spot.” He said bushing off his words making people laugh, including Sebastian. “But he’s such a sweetheart, he’s such a good guy, you all know what I mean, it comes out of his pores.” 

Chris and the audience laughed as Sebastian covered his face in embarrassment. 

“He’s just such a great guy, and I really couldn’t have imagined kind of dipping our toe into these, you know, uncertain waters at that stage with anyone other than him, he was so sweet, and I think that first movie him and I just were so terrified together, it made for a lot of nice memories.”

Chris shook himself and looked back out at the audience and the woman looked to Sebastian.

“And same to Sebastian.” The girl said into the microphone.

Sebastian smiled and looked across at Chris who played nervously with his beard, watching Sebastian.

“I’d say this film, this experience of knowing each other after all this time and having the trust in each to make this project.” He said looking out at the audience. “You know… I love Chris, he’s a great guy and I hope we make more memories in the future.” Sebastian said not answering about the film at all.

Sebastian looked back at Chris and saw the heat and understanding in his eye. A moment too long passed that could have been awkward to those that didn’t know but Chris just winked and smiled.

“Should we just get out of here?” Chris joked easing the tension and meaning every word.

The end

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And that's it... sigh. That was hard going, well done if you finished it!
> 
> I really hope you enjoyed it. Thank you so much for reading. Please let me know what you think.
> 
> I do have tumblr but I don't post on it because I'm too busy (and lazy) looking at all the great blogs on there for Chris and Seb and most importantly Evanstan and the amazing writers, so will see you there!
> 
> Thanks again! Until the next story! 
> 
> Gayle :)

**Author's Note:**

> I will be updating on a weekly basis. I hope you enjoy and please feel free to give me any feedback.
> 
> Thanks :)


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